Thursday, May 28, 2009
Why wasn't Gary Sheffield running hard last night when he got thrown out at home? And why did Jerry Manuel give him a pass? If Ryan Church had failed to run hard, Jerry would have thrown Mr. Church under the bus, backed the bus over his body and kicked him in the nuts for good measure.
Could Jerry be scared that Sheffield would go off like a cluster bomb filled with hate, entitlement and 'roid rage? Probably.
Is it just me or should they have made that bobble head's head a little bigger? What with the massive amounts of steroids and human growth hormones it looks as if Gary Sheffield's head was designed to scale.
I'm sorry but I have forgotten the point of this post. Oh wait, steroids and HGH make hitters better.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I need a current movie porn name for a bit I'm posting at the site. The best I can do is, Gapes of Girlfriends Ass. The guys at work didn't even recognize the move I was mocking (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, duh. And no I haven't been dragged to it, yet). So, I e-mail my brother and 5 minutes later I get a long list that contains the following:
There Will Be Blood, She's A Virgin
No Cunt for Old Men
The Taking Of Helen by 1, 2, 3!
Journey to the Center of Eartha Kitt
Marley and Me and Peanut Butter
The guy is a comedic idiot savant. Up,Yours might be my favorite. It's the touching story of a square old pedophile, his pear-shaped, vaguely Asian, special boy and a dog that talks dirty. Up,Yours with Peanut Butter, anyone?
Friday, May 22, 2009
This requires no explanation. Okay, maybe a little. Authentic game used Derek Jeter Herpes Scabs and Sores scrapped from the floor of the locker formerly known as St. Jeter's Basilica. Stop muttering. This ain't Erma Bombeck. And yes, those really are yucky herpes images gleened from google. To the best of my knowledge, they are not from Derek Jeter.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
1. National Lampoon bought it even though it had been on UncleMelon.com for years and had been read by several dozen people. A couple of Benjamin Franklins for absolutely nothing, sweet.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
BTW, here's irrefutable, scientific proof that the empty seats are causing the increase in wind and subsequent increase in home runs.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Given that hockey playoff scores are now part of the 20 minute updates on sports talk radio, I figured I'd post this hockey bit.
Canadian or Lesbian? has a weird origin story. This guy that owned either CollegeHumor or ConsumptionJunction approached my brother and me about writing a monthly humor section for a magazine he was launching. The magazine was going to be called Dream. It was going to be just like Maxim or FHM but with thick, shiny paper and wide open beavers inside. It didn't seem like much of a business plan to me but I was not an internet millionaire. My stupid site was costing me money to run.
We were supposed to fill four full pages every month and were going to get paid a whopping 25 cents a word. We were also going to be allowed to use real, live models and art production so we didn't have to steal photos off of google. It seemed too good to be true. Remember that thought.
We had a ridiculous deadline for the first issue and getting paid was going straight to our heads. We immediately were propelled back to high school. We were counting every word and mulitplying each one by 25 cents. We added as many and's and the's as we could. We never used a can't when we could use a can not. We asked if hyphenated words counted as two.
Then the guy (I just can't remember his name) tells us he wants a bit called Canadian or Lesbian? because you know, that would be so effing funny, so do it, okay? We didn't even know what it meant or why it was so inherently funny. My brother came up with the idea that maybe its because both words end in "ians."
So we write the bit and use Neve Campbell and Jill Hennessey as stand-ins for the promised art production. The guy loves it. He also loves everything else we wrote. I had this great idea for a foto funnies series on sexual perversions that could only be done with real models. It was kick ass funny in a very old school National Lampoon way.
Then the guy screws us. He's got no problem paying us -- it was only like 80 bucks. But it was a no go to the original production. His lawyers said it was okay to use the images we stole from the internet for the mock-ups. So we bailed.
And ended up with this pretty funny bit called Canadian or Lesbian?
Hot, Canadian babes are often hard to tell apart from hot, lesbian babes. They share many common characteristics. Why is this important? If you are a man, trying to pick up a lesbian babe can be difficult and may result in embarassing public rejections. If you are a lesbian that isn't too discriminating, a Canadian lesbian can often be acquired for the price of a beer.
The following picture points out the confusing areas of concern:
So how do you tell them apart? Luckily, there are glaring differences that with a little practice can be easy for the connoisseur to identify. Here are the major differences:
Lesbian: Would never let anyone named Stanley cup her ass
Canadian: Would drink a quart of Labatts from Stanley's cup
Lesbian: Broad shoulders and sensible shoes
Canadian: Broad shoulders and CCMs
Lesbian: Prefers to score between periods
Canadian: Prefers to score during a period
Lesbian: Pubic hair moustache on upper lip
Canadian: Molson moustache on upper lip
Lesbian: Suffers from chronic muff jaw
Canadian: Suffers from living in Moose Jaw
Lesbian: Little or no stick work but spends a lot of time in the crease
Canadian: She makes up for her lack of size with great stickhandling, a nasty wrist shot and her hip check is a beauty, eh?
Editor's Note: For reference, these babes are Canadian, Neve Campbell was born in Guelph, Ontario and Jill Hennessey was born in Edmonton, Alberta. Their sexual preference will require further study.
A post about hockey and I didn't go on and on about the time I skated against Gordie Howe. You guys lucked out. Ask anyone that knows me.
And just for the record, our good friends to the north are good sports, CanadaKicksAss.net
David Wright's error in the first reminded me of the years I played high arc softball for Deer Park Ironworks. Nice bunch of guys, heavily into steroids. My thighs were smaller than the team's average bicep -- but I could throw better than anyone else on the team. That short armed throw last night is the result of way too much time spent benching the rack. Big, tight pecs.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Alyssa is famous for that show with Tony Danza, that show Charmed (which I never watched because I used to be a boy) and having her naked breasts plastered all over the internet back in the wild west days of the web.
So back when I wrote my infamous bit How to Eat Pussy I used a photo of Alyssa to illustrate some forgotten, but surely funny, aspect of cunnilingus. Here's the photo with two annoying Mets logos and the back of my head* obscurring her amazing talents.
Weeks went by and the bit became extremely popular. If you typed "How to Eat Pussy" into google, my site was at the top of the list. That converts to thousands of visits a day. When I die, my wife has promised to put the following on my gravestone:
Then I got an e-mail from Alyssa Milano's mom. She was very upset and feeling quite litigious. How dare I post a photo of her daughter on the internet that showed off her vacant stare and pre-performance enhanced breasts (not to mention her puffy nipples -- no, her mom did not mention her puffy nipples). Turns out Alyssa Milano's mom runs a company that scours the internet looking for celebrity photos that are being used without permission or compensation. Alyssa's mom was not so much outraged by my use of her daughter's breasts but that I hadn't paid her for the priviledge. Pimp-le! I was screwed.
I wrote back that I was sorry and replaced the Alyssa photo with this:
It's funnier and Meryl Streep's mom hasn't bothered me at all.
*That is not really my head. It's some guy at a backyard barbecue. His mom hasn't e-mailed me either.
I'm gonna do my Mike Lupica impression:
- Joe: Doesn't it seem like every player Joe Torre manages takes steroids? And he's always surprised. Joe, stop being surprised.
- Bill: Remember Bill "Amber Alert" Welke? He blew two calls last night. He singlehandedly is going to ruin the umpires annual bs report. He also has never seen a run down before. Bottom line, Phillies scored 2 extra runs and the Mets were forced to use Frankie "Don't call me K-Rod."
- The Sheff: Gary Sheffield left 5 runners on base last night. For the season, 38 runners - drove in 3. Pathetic.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Shonn Greene is a running back out of Iowa. At 5'11" and 227 lbs, he's undersized and was slow at the combines. Something tells me that he could stand in the batter's box and waggle his bat just as effectively as Gary Sheffield. Sign him up, Omar.
While we are on the subject of Shawn Green, it was a little bit sad early this season when Kevin Youkilis passed Art Shamsky bumping him off the Top 10 list.
All-Time Jewish Homerun Leaders
Hank Greenberg 331
Shawn Green 328
Sid Gordon 202
Al Rosen 192
Mike Lieberthal 150
Mike Epstein 130
Steve Yeager 102
Brad Ausmus 79
Ryan Braun 76
Kevin Youkilis 72
Tied for 11th place, Art Shamsky/Lou Boudreau 68
That's a pretty good team for a bunch of nice Jewish boys.
The list was compiled by JewishMajorLeaguers.com. I updated it for 2009.
Monday, May 4, 2009
This Sean Greene plays a mean tuba and looks like a light hitting second baseman. I know we have two of those but we can always use another.
Jayson Werth is officially the Mets Killer. When he's not getting clutch hits, he's gunning guys down at the plate. I'd rather see Ryan Howard and Shane Victorino whenit counts than Mr. Werth.
But this post is about the Sheff. He batted cleanup, again. And left 4 runners on base, again. What happened to using Sheffield only as a pinch hitter? Last week I assumed that Omar Minaya was intellectually challenged and explained things with simple words and pictures. I have come to the conclusion that Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel are both effing stupid.
Gary Sheffield batting .176 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs is the cleanup hitter. Gary Sheffield has come to the plate with 32 runners on base and driven in 3. That's 9%! That's worse than everybody's whipping boy, David Wright.