Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Omar Minaya: Regrets? I've Had a Few, But Then Again, Too Few to Mention...

When asked if he had any regrets, General Manager Omar Minaya answered with,

"No, I mean, well, no. I don't regret. I don't, I don't regret saying. I mean I regret saying, you know, you know what I'm saying. I mean, I stand by the things that I said, but I don't regret, I regret saying, that in that forum. That was not the proper forum."

Do you think the Wilpons regret not firing Omar Minaya?

Monday, July 27, 2009

A Big Thank You to Rickey Henderson

Heartfelt thanks to Rickey Henderson for the thoughtful gift.

Even with all the festivities up in Cooperstown, Mr. Henderson found the time to bring me back a bottle of Costa Rican hot sauce from his recent vacation before heading for the Hall of Fame.

The sauce is very tasty. However, on the hotness scale, 10 being Vanessa Hudgens and 1 being your wife and/or girlfriend, this sauce is a Liza Minelli (Thanks, Steve).

Hot it ain't.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Maureen Dowd's Cameltoe

This morning I was perusing the visitor statistics for this blog and discovered that one of the ten visitors I had yesterday got here by typing "Maureen Dowd cameltoe" into google.

For those Yankee fans out there that only get their news from the Post and Fox, that's Ms. Dowd over there on the right. She's a columnist for the New York Times that writes humorously scathing articles about Bushs and Clintons. She's kinda good looking for a reporter that writes stuff. Not ridiculously good looking like the fake Newsday reporter in Crocodile Dundee, but okay for a real woman. She's an almost 5.

If I was sitting across from her on an R train and caught some serious cameltoe, I'm not sure if I would get an erection or nauseous.

To be fair and balanced, back when I was writing regularly for National Lampoon, an article Ms. Dowd wrote bumped a bit I wrote. My bit was a very funny and clever Christmas satire with Bush and Cheney and Scrooge by way of the Blackadder.  Ms. Dowd's was this Santa Claus thing that was not-so-funny and not-so-original. Why was a Pulitzer prize winning reporter submitting to Lampoon? And I was planning on using that $350 for Christmas presents! And fake redheads don't usually do it for me!

So some guy is looking for relief and figures a nice photo of Maureen Dowd's cameltoe is going to put him over the top. How did he get here?

We're Number 1! We're Number 1! We're the number 1 site for Maureen Dowd Cameltoe. Who knew? So, why are we number 1?
Because Rickey Henderson wrote the following in a comment a couple of months ago:

Would Maureen Dowd's cameltoe have kept you at the NYTimes website? Rickey suspects so...
Unfortunately for me, in the whole frickin' world, there is only one pervert with a computer interested in this particular toe. Hey Rickey, next time can you do me a favor and work "Erin Andrews cameltoe" into a comment?

Friday, July 17, 2009

PC Team Names

From the PtB archives: Rather than write another depressing post about the cluster-eff that is the Mets, I'm posting an old bit. My excuse is that they are in Atlanta. I've updated it for 2009 by adding Omir Santos. It amazes me that I took so much time drawing each guy yet I totally screwed up the glove. It's at least three sizes to small and for those of you that grew up on Village Hill Drive looks just like Joey Apicella's old mitt. I'm going to blame all the oxycontin I was popping for my ruptured achilles tendon.

As always, these bits are not intended for the faint of heart, pregnant women or the discriminating reader.

The Mets are heading down to the deep south to play a certain team that has a name that offends all the PC police. See if you can pick out the real team from all the made up teams I've assembled here on my blog.

Team: Terre Haute Fighting Dagos

History: The third most famous fighting team after the Irish and the Gamecocks, this Chicago White Sox affiliate got its name after the owner, Bill Hancock, watched his Italian gardener beat up his Irish maid.

Mascot: His Holiness Pope George Ringo II

Mascot Antics: No visit to the old War Memorial is complete without the traditional running of the Papist during the 7th inning stretch. A young boy between the ages of 8 and 12 is selected at random from the crowd, dressed in an altar boy costume and sent out on the field. The bells ring and the boy races for the centerfield gate with the Papist close behind. If the boy gets there first, he wins knockwurst for his entire section. If the Papist catches him, well, we're talking a different kind of wurst.

Fills that holywater thing with Budweiser and the crowd opens up to receive communion!

Famous Alumni: Rico Petrocelli, Phil Rizutto and Tony C.

Team: Nashville Jewboys

This Double A member of the Southern League used to be called the Nashville Jigaboos until some savvy marketing guy noticed that while there were no Jews in the crowd, they were a couple of Jigaboos. After the name change, the cheap seats were always full.

Mascot: Rebe Schlomo

Mascot Antics: The Rebe keeps the crowd rolling in the aisles with his childish ways. Eyes light up when he gives away one of his ridicuously large crackers that he calls matzohs. During the 7th inning stretch this "meshugeh" mascot has been known to blow a chauffer or drink the blood of a God fearing Christian.

Famous Alumni: Sandy Koufax, Hank Greenberg, Art Shamsky and Rod Carew.

Team: Atlanta Braves

The Braves started out in Boston but Bostonians wanted to name their team after a pair of socks so they moved to Milwaukee but Milwaukians wanted to name their team after beer so they moved to Atlanta.

Mascot: Chief Knockahoma

Mascot Antics: Formerly the Chief of the Creek Nation, Knockahoma sold out his tribe for a dry teepee in the leftfield bullpen and a whole lot of wampum. So while the rest of the Creek cried their way to Oklahoma, Chief Knockahoma does a little dance after every hometeam homerun.Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, Tomahawk Chop or are they heiling Chipper Jones? Hanoi Jane knows.

Famous Alumni: John "White Rat with Mouth of Squaw" Rocker.

Team: Jacksonville Men's Room Attendants

Formally known as the Jacksonville Watutsi, the team changed its name to be more politically correct in the late 80's after some protesting by the local rabble rousers.

Mascot: ol' Willie

Mascot Antics: Changed the name but kept the mascot. Instead of a bone in his nose, ol' Willie gets tangled in the TP and then asks the crowd for tips. Invariably, the crowd chants "Get a Job!" and the bleachers erupt in laughter.

ol' Willie will loan you his comb and slap on some aftershave, just don't tinkle on his shoes!

Famous Alumni: Joe Black, Kevin Brown, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown and Alvin Dark.

Team: Lackawanna Camel Jockeys

Famous for their "Homeland Defense" strategy, this minor league team is currently on hiatus pending military tribunals. Always popular with visiting Kings and Shah's, the Lackawanna/Nashville rivalry often leads to bloodshed.

Mascot: A-hab the A-rab

Mascot Antics: During the 7th inning stretch A-hab, with sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest, chases down groundskeepers dressed in yarmulkes. When he catches them they all "explode" in a cloud of smoke, leaving the happy Mullah dancing in tattered clothes. On special events night local police take turns beating the mascot with nightsticks. Twice a game he lays out a blanket on top of the dugout, faces east and prays for a comeback.

Famous Alumni: Omar Vizquel, Omir Santos and Khalil Greene.

Team: Cleveland Indians

History: The lesser known team by the lake, the Indians have a storied history of success, drawing incredible crowds that seem to breed and expand during extra-inning games. While attending these games is fun, don't try ordering an all beef hotdog.

Mascot: Mahatma

Mascot Antics: Mahatma thrills the crowd by drinking his own urine, demonstrating his abstinence by ignoring the advances of a tipsy Suzyn Waldman, and telling an off-color Bangladeshi joke now and again. When the opposing team homers, he immolates himself (and a few fans) using petrol and an incense burner.

Every Tueday is Leper Night. All lepers that purchase a general admission ticket get a cherry Slurpee at half price.

Famous Alumni: R. Swoboda

Team: Rock Ridge Drunken Irish

History: The town wanted something Irish and "fighting" was already taken. Besides the only real fighting the Irish ever do is killing themselves, and that's not good for team unity.

Mascot: Hank the Angry Leprechuan

Mascot Antics: A drunken, angry Hank leaves a trail of green vomit wherever he goes. Buy him a Big Beer and in return, Hank will shower you with gold, if you know what I mean. Once in the playoffs with the score tied and the bases loaded, the manager sent Hank in to pinch hit. Instead of drawing a game winning base-on-balls, Hank dry-humped the umpire's leg resulting in immediate ejaculation.

Famous Alumni: Roberto Kelly, Fred McGriff and Chone Figgins.

Team: Massachusetts Mid-Level Managers

Formed in the mid-70's by that leftist, half-wit Ted Kennedy to avoid any possible insult to any type of human being with any type of behavior and/or belief that might not represent majority or minority thinking, the Middies never keep score so as to not hurt anyone's feelings.

Mascot: Ronnie Rainbow changes his/her head every inning.

Mascot Antics: Handing out "Have a Nice Day" smiley faces and taunting umps when they yell "Yer Out" and "Strike," or "Yer Safe" and "Ball." Spends a lot of time on the cell phone. When wearing the disabled head, Ronnie has fun spelling out Massachusetts in American Sign Language.

Famous Alumni: Frank Off-White, Bill Navajo-White and Roy Oatmeal-White.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Even FOX Sports Hates Obama

Six hundred cameras and FOX misses President Obama's first pitch. We get to see his windup and then, nothing. Not even a replay. What the eff?

I found the video on MLB.com. It's not enough pressure throwing a baseball in front of millions of viewers, they have to line up the surviving members of the Gashouse Gang behind home plate. Imagine if President Obama had accidently nailed Red Schoen­dienst in the head. Think FOX would have been able to show that 1200 times from 600 different angles. Bill O'Reilly would have done a week on it.

My Review
Obama may have short armed the ball (New York fans get to see Jeter and Wright short arm throws several times a week), but I liked the jeans, the jacket and the jogging -- and the arm pump after. Maybe in seven years, President Obama will become a lefthanded reliever instead of building houses for the less fortunate, or making boatloads of money working for the Bin Ladens.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Chief Justice Roseanne Barr!!! I mean Sonia Sotomayor!!!

Is it just me or does Sonia Sotomayor look just like Roseanne Barr?

I keep expected Tom Arnold to lean in and whisper something in her ear.

Monday, July 13, 2009

David Wright, a Joke

Mr. Met: Did you hear that All Star David Wright is going to participate in the 2009 Home Run Derby?

Lady Met: Really?

Mr. Met: Yeah, they needed another guy to run around in the outfield and catch flyballs!

I never claimed it was a good joke.

Isn't it about time that someone told David the old Ralph Kiner quote?

Home run hitters date Molly Beers, singles hitters date hometown steers.

I know you jokers, it looks like David Wright in a wig but it isn't. I asked her if she was a woman and she said yes. I asked if she would be willing to date David Wright this year and she said yes. She's Janice from Astoria. She's nice and plain.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Jesus Christ, Jeter Christ, Derek Jeter Messes Up!

Derek Jeter messes up. His bone head move probably cost the Yankees a game and a sweep of Toronto and all anybody wants to talk about is the ump.

Because Jesus Jeter is infallible

Of course, unlike the real Jesus, Jeter did not turn the other cheek. Embarassed by his Little League mistake, he threw the umpire under the bus. That's a bad "Pinstriped Prince of Peace."

The ump blew the call. It happens. Then, finding himself in an unwanted audience with a vengeful "Fisherman of Wins," he stumbled on his words and now may be excommunicated.

I got to listen to this play described on the radio by the Yankee announcers. So, I had no clue what was happening. John Sterling thought Jeter was out by a mile (for you out of towners, the poor, old man has very bad eyesight). He couldn't be bothered to look at the monitor for the replay but assigned the task to his color commentator, Suzyn Waldman. She got distracted by Jeter arguing.

This manly display by the Yankee Son of God shortstop caused her to audibly moan as another cunt bunny was ejected onto the floor of the Lowe's broadcasting booth. BTW, you can buy an authentic game used Waldman cunt bunny here.

For anybody that knows anything about the game of baseball let me remind you that Jeter got thrown out trying to steal third with no outs. I waited for the mandatory lecture about not making the first or third out at third base. That's what announcers do. They have to. It's in their contracts. It's mandated by Major League Baseball, Inc.

Nope. It was Jeter. Not a single mention about the bad baseball play. Bad fundamental baseball. Even after the next batter singled -- which would have driven Jeter home from second easily.

Hey Yankee fans, how do you listen to this crap, game after game?