Tuesday, July 28, 2009
"No, I mean, well, no. I don't regret. I don't, I don't regret saying. I mean I regret saying, you know, you know what I'm saying. I mean, I stand by the things that I said, but I don't regret, I regret saying, that in that forum. That was not the proper forum."
Do you think the Wilpons regret not firing Omar Minaya?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Even with all the festivities up in Cooperstown, Mr. Henderson found the time to bring me back a bottle of Costa Rican hot sauce from his recent vacation before heading for the Hall of Fame.
The sauce is very tasty. However, on the hotness scale, 10 being Vanessa Hudgens and 1 being your wife and/or girlfriend, this sauce is a Liza Minelli (Thanks, Steve).
Hot it ain't.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
For those Yankee fans out there that only get their news from the Post and Fox, that's Ms. Dowd over there on the right. She's a columnist for the New York Times that writes humorously scathing articles about Bushs and Clintons. She's kinda good looking for a reporter that writes stuff. Not ridiculously good looking like the fake Newsday reporter in Crocodile Dundee, but okay for a real woman. She's an almost 5.
We're Number 1! We're Number 1! We're the number 1 site for Maureen Dowd Cameltoe. Who knew? So, why are we number 1?
Because Rickey Henderson wrote the following in a comment a couple of months ago:
Would Maureen Dowd's cameltoe have kept you at the NYTimes website? Rickey suspects so...
Unfortunately for me, in the whole frickin' world, there is only one pervert with a computer interested in this particular toe. Hey Rickey, next time can you do me a favor and work "Erin Andrews cameltoe" into a comment?
Friday, July 17, 2009
As always, these bits are not intended for the faint of heart, pregnant women or the discriminating reader.
Fills that holywater thing with Budweiser and the crowd opens up to receive communion!
Famous Alumni: Rico Petrocelli, Phil Rizutto and Tony C.
Team: Nashville Jewboys
History: This Double A member of the Southern League used to be called the Nashville Jigaboos until some savvy marketing guy noticed that while there were no Jews in the crowd, they were a couple of Jigaboos. After the name change, the cheap seats were always full.
Mascot: Rebe Schlomo
Mascot Antics: The Rebe keeps the crowd rolling in the aisles with his childish ways. Eyes light up when he gives away one of his ridicuously large crackers that he calls matzohs. During the 7th inning stretch this "meshugeh" mascot has been known to blow a chauffer or drink the blood of a God fearing Christian.
Famous Alumni: Sandy Koufax, Hank Greenberg, Art Shamsky and Rod Carew.
Team: Atlanta Braves
History: The Braves started out in Boston but Bostonians wanted to name their team after a pair of socks so they moved to Milwaukee but Milwaukians wanted to name their team after beer so they moved to Atlanta.
Mascot: Chief Knockahoma
Mascot Antics: Formerly the Chief of the Creek Nation, Knockahoma sold out his tribe for a dry teepee in the leftfield bullpen and a whole lot of wampum. So while the rest of the Creek cried their way to Oklahoma, Chief Knockahoma does a little dance after every hometeam homerun.Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, Tomahawk Chop or are they heiling Chipper Jones? Hanoi Jane knows.
Famous Alumni: John "White Rat with Mouth of Squaw" Rocker.
Team: Jacksonville Men's Room Attendants
History: Formally known as the Jacksonville Watutsi, the team changed its name to be more politically correct in the late 80's after some protesting by the local rabble rousers.
Mascot: ol' Willie
Mascot Antics: Changed the name but kept the mascot. Instead of a bone in his nose, ol' Willie gets tangled in the TP and then asks the crowd for tips. Invariably, the crowd chants "Get a Job!" and the bleachers erupt in laughter.
ol' Willie will loan you his comb and slap on some aftershave, just don't tinkle on his shoes!
Famous Alumni: Joe Black, Kevin Brown, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown and Alvin Dark.
History: Famous for their "Homeland Defense" strategy, this minor league team is currently on hiatus pending military tribunals. Always popular with visiting Kings and Shah's, the Lackawanna/Nashville rivalry often leads to bloodshed.
Mascot: A-hab the A-rab
Mascot Antics: During the 7th inning stretch A-hab, with sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest, chases down groundskeepers dressed in yarmulkes. When he catches them they all "explode" in a cloud of smoke, leaving the happy Mullah dancing in tattered clothes. On special events night local police take turns beating the mascot with nightsticks. Twice a game he lays out a blanket on top of the dugout, faces east and prays for a comeback.
Famous Alumni: Omar Vizquel, Omir Santos and Khalil Greene.
History: The lesser known team by the lake, the Indians have a storied history of success, drawing incredible crowds that seem to breed and expand during extra-inning games. While attending these games is fun, don't try ordering an all beef hotdog.
Every Tueday is Leper Night. All lepers that purchase a general admission ticket get a cherry Slurpee at half price.
Famous Alumni: R. Swoboda
Team: Rock Ridge Drunken Irish
History: The town wanted something Irish and "fighting" was already taken. Besides the only real fighting the Irish ever do is killing themselves, and that's not good for team unity.
Mascot: Hank the Angry Leprechuan
Mascot Antics: A drunken, angry Hank leaves a trail of green vomit wherever he goes. Buy him a Big Beer and in return, Hank will shower you with gold, if you know what I mean. Once in the playoffs with the score tied and the bases loaded, the manager sent Hank in to pinch hit. Instead of drawing a game winning base-on-balls, Hank dry-humped the umpire's leg resulting in immediate ejaculation.
Famous Alumni: Roberto Kelly, Fred McGriff and Chone Figgins.
Team: Massachusetts Mid-Level Managers
History: Formed in the mid-70's by that leftist, half-wit Ted Kennedy to avoid any possible insult to any type of human being with any type of behavior and/or belief that might not represent majority or minority thinking, the Middies never keep score so as to not hurt anyone's feelings.
Mascot: Ronnie Rainbow changes his/her head every inning.
Mascot Antics: Handing out "Have a Nice Day" smiley faces and taunting umps when they yell "Yer Out" and "Strike," or "Yer Safe" and "Ball." Spends a lot of time on the cell phone. When wearing the disabled head, Ronnie has fun spelling out Massachusetts in American Sign Language.
Famous Alumni: Frank Off-White, Bill Navajo-White and Roy Oatmeal-White.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Is it just me or does Sonia Sotomayor look just like Roseanne Barr?
I keep expected Tom Arnold to lean in and whisper something in her ear.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Lady Met: Really?
Mr. Met: Yeah, they needed another guy to run around in the outfield and catch flyballs!
I never claimed it was a good joke.
Isn't it about time that someone told David the old Ralph Kiner quote?
Home run hitters date Molly Beers, singles hitters date hometown steers.
I know you jokers, it looks like David Wright in a wig but it isn't. I asked her if she was a woman and she said yes. I asked if she would be willing to date David Wright this year and she said yes. She's Janice from Astoria. She's nice and plain.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Derek Jeter messes up. His bone head move probably cost the Yankees a game and a sweep of Toronto and all anybody wants to talk about is the ump.
Jesus Jeter is infallible
Of course, unlike the real Jesus, Jeter did not turn the other cheek. Embarassed by his Little League mistake, he threw the umpire under the bus. That's a bad "Pinstriped Prince of Peace."
The ump blew the call. It happens. Then, finding himself in an unwanted audience with a vengeful "Fisherman of Wins," he stumbled on his words and now may be excommunicated.
I got to listen to this play described on the radio by the Yankee announcers. So, I had no clue what was happening. John Sterling thought Jeter was out by a mile (for you out of towners, the poor, old man has very bad eyesight). He couldn't be bothered to look at the monitor for the replay but assigned the task to his color commentator, Suzyn Waldman. She got distracted by Jeter arguing.
This manly display by the Yankee
Son of God shortstop caused her to audibly moan as another cunt bunny was ejected onto the floor of the Lowe's broadcasting booth. BTW, you can buy an authentic game used Waldman cunt bunny here.
For anybody that knows anything about the game of baseball let me remind you that Jeter got thrown out trying to steal third with no outs. I waited for the mandatory lecture about not making the first or third out at third base. That's what announcers do. They have to. It's in their contracts. It's mandated by Major League Baseball, Inc.
Nope. It was Jeter. Not a single mention about the bad baseball play. Bad fundamental baseball. Even after the next batter singled -- which would have driven Jeter home from second easily.
Hey Yankee fans, how do you listen to this crap, game after game?