Friday, December 18, 2009

Distraught Ochocinco Vows to Wear Henry Jersey

Cincinnati. Chad Ochocinco said that he will honor his late teammate Chris Henry on Sunday by wearing his number 15 jersey against the San Diego Chargers and by legally changing his name to Unocinco.

When told by a reporter that "fifteen in spanish is actually quince," Ochocinco put on a sombrero and spit in the reporter's face.

An emotional and teary Ochocinco then asked, "Why did Chris Henry have to die so young?"

The same reporter replied, "The guy was beating on the back window of a speeding pickup truck with no shirt on and an arm in a sling. I'd say he died of poor judgement."

Authorities have not ruled out suicide as the cause of death.

Our Trip to Latkeland

Last night, I bundled up the family and headed out to Latkeland in Teaneck, New Jersey. For you folks that aren't in the know, a latke is a potato pancake and Latkeland is like Legoland only greasier.

It was an evening of slippery fun! As the sun set over Passaic, guess what we had for dinner? Nope. We fooled you. We had burgers at the Burger House. Delicious! The missus and I sat at our table enjoying some Manny's over ice while the kids played in the nearby fountain.

What a surprise! The fountain squirted applesauce! Our little Sascha snuck some sour cream when he thought nobody was looking.

There are over 18 rides and many exhibits. The most impressive exhibit was a five story statue of Sitting Bull made entirely of latkes. Never before has a Native American seemed like he belonged to one of OUR tribes! :)

The Melonosky family gives Latkeland 5 stars!!! Enjoy it with your family soon!

Sitting Bull says, "Ugh. Me no like latkes."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Isle of Misfit Sex Toys

Hermey and Rudolph rode the little iceberg through the night until they got to a strange and desolate island. "This looks like the just the place for a couple of misfits," said Hermey.
But they were not alone. Soon, Benny introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Benny and this is the Isle of Misfit Sex Toys," he said. Hermey was confused and asked, "Why are you a misfit?"

"I'm a pair of ben wah cubes and no little girl wants to play with a pair of ben wah cubes," Benny replied sadly. "I'm a misfit."

Gary Glitter was next . "I'm body glitter that looks like herpes. No, little girl wants to wear me when she goes out dancing," he said. "I'm a misfit."

"No woman wants to wear me when they play either" said a sad Consuelo. "I'm a frumpy, Guatemalan maid costume. This island will always be my home."


I had to remove the rest of the post because the content filter at work wouldn't let me visit my own blog -- too many bad words. It gets more disgusting and more funny, promise.

I moved the entire bit to

Friday, December 11, 2009

Chanukkah Chilarity

A True Story

I wasn't planning on doing a Hanukkah bit because its all been done and most of it more than 5,000 years ago. But then Steve, the guy in the cubicle next to me, said the funniest damn thing ever and I figured I would share.

Steve, Kat and I were discussing the holidays over coffee. Kat was singing some lame Hanukkah song that her kid learned in school. We all decided that the best Hanukkah song is Adam Sandler's song about Jews that are so gentile looking (i.e., attractive) that they can't possibly be Jewish. Steve found it on youtube, funny Jew -- had to happen eventually.

Then Steve said, "What about the Ladle Song? That's pretty good and really famous."

Did I mention that Steve and Kat are Catholic? Me being the half-Jew asked, "Ladle Song? How does it go?"

Steve proudly sang, "Ladle! Ladle! Ladle! I made it out of clay!"

After I wet them, I asked, "Why the hell would we sing about an effing ladle?"

"Cause you spin it around or something."

It troubles me that Steve would think that tonight, all over the world, Jews are gathering together to spin a ladle. But you know what? I didn't correct him because (1) the son-of-a-bitch grew up in the Bronx and should know better and (2) it's so frickin' funny that other Jews he runs into during his life should get a little joy from Steve's ideas about their holiday.

Spinning a ladle is not that much stranger than spinning a dreidel. That's a dreidel down there.

Steve's photos can be found at

I'm working on a game involving spinning a ladle for next Hanukkah. I think its going to be like Spin the Bottle only Jewisher.

End Note

During my research for this post I came across this disturbing page on Wikipedia:

Its a list of Jews. And they have us categorized by type. It's hard to see but some of the types are:

Real Jew
Easily Bruised Jew
Jew Lawyers
Kind of Handsome for a Jew
Pretty Nice Guy for a Jew
Some of my Best Friends that are Jews
Jew that Occasionally Buys a Round
Italian Women that are so Jewish they might as well be Jews
The Jew at the Club

Additional types on Wikipedia's List of Jews submitted by my readers*

Blonde Jews
Blind Jews
Deaf Jews
Dumb Jews
Deaf, Dumb and Blind Jews
Deaf, Dumb and Blind Jews that Sure Play a Mean Pinball
Jews for Jesus
Jews Not for Jesus
Non-Religious Jews
Jewish Jews
Jew-ish Jews
Un-Jewish Jews
Jews You Know
Jews You Don't Know
Jews Who Eat Armour Hot Dogs
Jews that Only Eat Hebrew National
Jews Who've Been In Space
Jews Who've Helped Gentiles Get In Space Using their Mathematical Jewish Brains
Jewish Women With Sexy Voices
Jewish Women Who Perform Oral
Jews Who Make Lists
Jews Who End Up on Lists
Half-Jews that Make Lists of the Types of Jews on Wikipedia's List of Jews

*That reader would be my brother, Dave Melonosky

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Toy for Tots

Every year the company that pays my salary collects toys for needy children through the Toy for Tots Foundation. Some nameless drone from HR puts a box in the lobby and then a month later calls the Marines and they send a guy to pick up the toy.

There's going to be one happy kid this holiday season!!! It's Thomas the Tank Engine!!!

Calling All Engines! Thomas is in trouble and he needs all his friends to help him! Don't cry, Timmy. I'm sure you can help Thomas. It's not like he's in real trouble -- like he's gotten his coal tender preggers. He's in a little trouble -- like he's forgotten where he's placed his kippers and doesn't want crumpets for breakfast. You'll be able to help your friend Thomas.

You're crying because it's a a video tape? You want one of those new fangled DVDs instead? Shut your trap, you ungrateful, needy, little bastard...

It has only been a couple of weeks. Even with all the pretty lights and piped in Christmas music, I'm not really in my full holiday depression mode yet, so the tots might still have time.

I know you're saying to yourself something like, "Instead of cracking wise skinflint, go to Toys R Us and buy a frickin toy you cheap, half-Jew, joyless, cranky f-tard!"

That would require me to get up out of my chair (work) and/or couch (home).

An aside:

The Toys for Tots Foundation has been around since 1947.

The mission:

The mission of the U. S. Marine Corps Reserve Toys for Tots Program is to collect new, unwrapped toys during October, November and December each year, and distribute a lethal barrage of 40 mm Bofors cannon fire at a rate of 30 rounds per second to needy children in the community in which the campaign is conducted.

The poster:

This poster creeps me out. I would have gone with the happy American-style Santa, you know, the guy that hangs with Ronald McDonald, not the Norman Rockwellian German-style Santa that is scary in a killer clown sort of way.

And the poster implies that Santa was in the Corps. Once a Marine, always a Marine. When was Santa a highly trained killing machine? He's pretty old. No way was he killing gooks in Nam. Krauts in the Big One? Krauts in the not-quite-as-big-as-the-Big-One? Confederates during the Civil War? Mexicans in Montezuma? Barbarians in Tripoli? Don't worry Timmy, Santa only kills when he has exhausted every other possible option.

Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Semper Fi!

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Blind Side - Showing Off Sandra Bullock's Best Side

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Why is the The Blind Side so popular?

Let's ask my dick. My dick says "Sandra Bullock's ass." I've seen the newspaper ad for this movie probably 50 to 100 times and Sandra's ass looks better everytime.

Big Time Producer: What have you got for me, baby?
Marketing Guy: A closeup shot of Sandra Bullock smiling, with tears in her eyes, from late in the third act, black guy out of focus in the distance.
Big Time Producer: Whoa, a little airbrushing please. She has wrinkles. Gross.
Marketing Guy: Yes, Sir. Remove the hint of laugh lines. Got it.
Big Time Producer: To hell with it. Give me her ass!
Marketing Guy: Excuse me, Sir?
Big Time Producer: I want Sandra Bullock's ass right in my face. I want painted on white pants, I want ass crack, butt camel toe, whatever you kids call it, I want an ass that looks so tasty that all of America wants to eat it for Thanksgiving!!!
Marketing Guy: Yes, Sir!
Big Time Producer: And tell the art department geeks to take 3 inchs off her waist. That'll make that ass pop!
Marketing Guy: Great idea, Sir. What should we do with the black guy? Make him really small and have the yard markers point from his distant silhouette directly at Sandra Bullock's ass?
Big Time Producer: Nah, put his big fat ass right next to Sandra's delicious little ass. Black/white. Yin/yang. Beautful/ugly. It's feng shui, baby!!!

So, will I go to the movie theater to see Sandra Bullock's ass and another uplifting "What Would a Poor Black Person do Without a Kindly-Hearted White Person" biopic? No. While I would love to be able to ease my liberal guilt by spending $12 and 2 hours watching another "White People as Savior" flick and I'm obviously fascinated with Sandra Bullock's ass, I'm broke and I already have the newspaper ad of Sandra's ass. Thank you, Big Time Producer.

If you liked my dick this time, you'll love what it had to say about Patrick Swayze's untimely death or Avatar 3D or maybe the Vancouver Winter Olympics.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Eli Manning Signs Wall at Cowboy Stadium

Dallas Cowboys not Happy about Eli's Autograph on Wall

IRVING — Cowboy linebacker Bradie James was at his outspoken best Wednesday when he talked about the Cowboys - Giants rivalry and one of the points he made was that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning had defiled the new stadium after New York’s 33-31 victory in September.

"Eli signed the inside of the locker room," James said. "He put his phone number. You got to be discreet about that stuff. We won’t forget that. It just makes for a more intense game."

If there was any doubt about the authenticity of the signature, Manning put an end to that Thursday when he confirmed that he did, in fact, sign a concrete column in the visitors’ locker room.

"It’s a pretty common thing," Manning told reporters in New York. "It's how Peyton hooked up with Zach Thomas. Heck, it's how my dad met Jack Youngblood."

Archie and Peyton Manning was unavailable for comment.

Cowboys coach Wade Phillips said he likes and respects Manning, but also said, "Things come back around in this league. Eli is a classy player but he has to learn to keep it on the down low. I really respect him, especially his family. I played football against his dad in college and we shared the soap in the shower but you won't find my signature on the wall at Ole Miss."

Manning did not seem concerned when told that the Cowboys were using his autograph as motivational fodder.

"I kind of heard a few things about it," Manning said. "I figure they’ll eventually get over it. Next time I'll just put my number on my facebook wall."

Thursday, December 3, 2009

On Language: Douche Bag, Encouraging its Proper Use

It's Thursday which means it's time for another fun edition of On Language.

Douchebag when used properly is a great word. There's a guy at work that has mastered its use. It's often funny and always paints an exacting picture of the targeted person. I do not use douche bag enough in polite conversation. I tend to use an asshole when a douche bag is more appropriate.

This got me thinking about what a douche bag really is. I know what a douche is, I have a TV and a mom, but what is a douche bag?From Wikipedia, A douche bag is a piece of equipment for douching—a bag for holding the fluid used in douching. In case you do not have a mother or a television, a douche is a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons. Prepackaged douches look like little water bottles with fancy spouts. I prefer Summer's Eve. It has just the right balance of sweet and tart with a nice citrus finish.

The Wiki boys don't stop at the Webster line, Douching has been touted as having a number of supposed but unproven benefits. In addition to promising to clean the vagina of unwanted odors, it can also be used by women who wish to avoid smearing a sexual partner's penis with menstrual blood while having intercourse during menstruation.

Hey, I'm from New York. I enjoy a nice schmear on my bagel, my penis, just about anywhere, smear away, baby!

That douche bag up there holds a gallon of douche. No matter the time of the month, I'm not sure I want to go anywhere near a vagina that needs a gallon of fluid to feel fresh and clean. Hygiene-wise its clear, front door gets a douche, backdoor gets an enema and the side door gets you right on the driveway.

But what about the slang meaning? While the French have been douching since 47 B.C. and gynecological handbooks started using the term douche bag around 1907, Dr. Bill Long traced the use of douche-bag (sic) as a derogatory term back to 1967, douche-bag - an unattractive co-ed. Interesting that a device use to clean out female gentalia was used to describe females. By 1970, it morphed into its contemporary usage and is almost always used to describe males. Interesting that a device inserted into female gentalia is used to describe males.

Here's my favorite definition courtesy of Wikipedia: Douche bag, a person with a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

The most famous douche bags according to the Urban Dictionary are:
Kevin Federline
Macaulay Culkin
Leonardo DiCaprio
Chris Klein
The Gallaghers from Oasis
and P. Diddy.

I can't argue with that list because I do not know any of those guys. Thousands of websites claim that that you can tell a douche bag by just looking, this I can argue with.

I'll use my boss as an example.

Let's start off with a picture of my coffee mug and the following words, I love my boss (wink). So, while it is true that I hate my job with a passion worthy of Mel Gibson, and it is true that my job is mind-numbingly boring, unfathomly useless and demeaning in ways that only a piss bucket boy from the 1700's would understand, it does pay the bills and I love my boss (wink).

You saw the wink, right?

Lets look at my boss. There he is at a retirement party for that retired guy from Management and Budget. Sure he looks like a tool but he doesn't look like the Urban Dictionary description of a douche bag.

Wide open collar that exposes his manly chest? No. Dickish wannabe hairdo with too much product? No. Really hot babe that we all want to f by his side? Not likely.

Is he a person with a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent. Hellyes! Arrogance and irritating without malicious intent? That my friends is my boss the douche bag.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tiger Woods Beaten Up By Swedish Wife

or Shocking Photo of Tiger Woods Revealed!!!

Up to a few days ago, I could give a fart about Tiger Woods.


Based on my TV, the idea that Tiger Woods may have cheated on a woman that looks as good as a woman can look fascinates everyone. That Mrs. Perfect 10 may have hit Tiger Woods upside the head with his own golf club? That cracks me up.

***I expunged the rest of this bit because it made me cringe.***

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Solange Magnano: Former Miss Argentina Dies From Cosmetic Buttocks Surgery

Another Post Courtesy of the Huffington Post - I kid Arianna Huffington when we end up in the same Pilates class but her site does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — A 38-year-old former Miss Argentina has died from complications after undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks.

Solange Magnano, a mother of twins who won the crown in 1994, died of a pulmonary embolism Sunday after three days in critical condition following a gluteoplasty in Buenos Aires.

"Mr. Magnano? About your wife, there's good news and bad news. First the good news, your wife's ass looks terrific! Now the bad news, she's never going to use it again and neither are you."

Feel free to bombard me with buttock puns, gluteoplasty euphemisms and hate e-mails.


From my brother, Dave:

I once tricked a girl into a little "cosmetic surgery" on her buttocks. She didn't die, but she couldn't sit down for a week.

Miss Argentina?! Of course I do, that country's got quality ass. Unfortunately, the quality of their ass surgeons? Not so good.

Sphincter?! Hell, it killed her!

If only the embolism had gone to her brain, it wouldn't have done any damage!