Friday, December 18, 2009
When told by a reporter that "fifteen in spanish is actually quince," Ochocinco put on a sombrero and spit in the reporter's face.
An emotional and teary Ochocinco then asked, "Why did Chris Henry have to die so young?"
The same reporter replied, "The guy was beating on the back window of a speeding pickup truck with no shirt on and an arm in a sling. I'd say he died of poor judgement."
Authorities have not ruled out suicide as the cause of death.
It was an evening of slippery fun! As the sun set over Passaic, guess what we had for dinner? Nope. We fooled you. We had burgers at the Burger House. Delicious! The missus and I sat at our table enjoying some Manny's over ice while the kids played in the nearby fountain.
What a surprise! The fountain squirted applesauce! Our little Sascha snuck some sour cream when he thought nobody was looking.
There are over 18 rides and many exhibits. The most impressive exhibit was a five story statue of Sitting Bull made entirely of latkes. Never before has a Native American seemed like he belonged to one of OUR tribes! :)
The Melonosky family gives Latkeland 5 stars!!! Enjoy it with your family soon!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Hermey and Rudolph rode the little iceberg through the night until they got to a strange and desolate island. "This looks like the just the place for a couple of misfits," said Hermey.
But they were not alone. Soon, Benny introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Benny and this is the Isle of Misfit Sex Toys," he said. Hermey was confused and asked, "Why are you a misfit?"
"I'm a pair of ben wah cubes and no little girl wants to play with a pair of ben wah cubes," Benny replied sadly. "I'm a misfit."
Gary Glitter was next . "I'm body glitter that looks like herpes. No, little girl wants to wear me when she goes out dancing," he said. "I'm a misfit."
"No woman wants to wear me when they play either" said a sad Consuelo. "I'm a frumpy, Guatemalan maid costume. This island will always be my home."
I had to remove the rest of the post because the content filter at work wouldn't let me visit my own blog -- too many bad words. It gets more disgusting and more funny, promise.
I moved the entire bit to UncleMelon.com.
Friday, December 11, 2009
I wasn't planning on doing a Hanukkah bit because its all been done and most of it more than 5,000 years ago. But then Steve, the guy in the cubicle next to me, said the funniest damn thing ever and I figured I would share.
Steve's photos can be found at HudsonValleyXXXposed.com.
I'm working on a game involving spinning a ladle for next Hanukkah. I think its going to be like Spin the Bottle only Jewisher.
During my research for this post I came across this disturbing page on Wikipedia:
Its a list of Jews. And they have us categorized by type. It's hard to see but some of the types are:
Easily Bruised Jew
Kind of Handsome for a Jew
Pretty Nice Guy for a Jew
Some of my Best Friends that are Jews
Jew that Occasionally Buys a Round
Italian Women that are so Jewish they might as well be Jews
The Jew at the Club
Additional types on Wikipedia's List of Jews submitted by my readers*
Deaf, Dumb and Blind Jews
Deaf, Dumb and Blind Jews that Sure Play a Mean Pinball
Jews for Jesus
Jews Not for Jesus
Jews You Know
Jews You Don't Know
Jews Who Eat Armour Hot Dogs
Jews that Only Eat Hebrew National
Jews Who've Been In Space
Jews Who've Helped Gentiles Get In Space Using their Mathematical Jewish Brains
Jewish Women With Sexy Voices
Jewish Women Who Perform Oral
Jews Who Make Lists
Jews Who End Up on Lists
Half-Jews that Make Lists of the Types of Jews on Wikipedia's List of Jews
*That reader would be my brother, Dave Melonosky
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
There's going to be one happy kid this holiday season!!! It's Thomas the Tank Engine!!!
Calling All Engines! Thomas is in trouble and he needs all his friends to help him! Don't cry, Timmy. I'm sure you can help Thomas. It's not like he's in real trouble -- like he's gotten his coal tender preggers. He's in a little trouble -- like he's forgotten where he's placed his kippers and doesn't want crumpets for breakfast. You'll be able to help your friend Thomas.
You're crying because it's a a video tape? You want one of those new fangled DVDs instead? Shut your trap, you ungrateful, needy, little bastard...
This poster creeps me out. I would have gone with the happy American-style Santa, you know, the guy that hangs with Ronald McDonald, not the Norman Rockwellian German-style Santa that is scary in a killer clown sort of way.
And the poster implies that Santa was in the Corps. Once a Marine, always a Marine. When was Santa a highly trained killing machine? He's pretty old. No way was he killing gooks in Nam. Krauts in the Big One? Krauts in the not-quite-as-big-as-the-Big-One? Confederates during the Civil War? Mexicans in Montezuma? Barbarians in Tripoli? Don't worry Timmy, Santa only kills when he has exhausted every other possible option.
Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Semper Fi!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Big Time Producer: To hell with it. Give me her ass!
Big Time Producer: I want Sandra Bullock's ass right in my face. I want painted on white pants, I want ass crack, butt camel toe, whatever you kids call it, I want an ass that looks so tasty that all of America wants to eat it for Thanksgiving!!!
Marketing Guy: Yes, Sir!
Big Time Producer: And tell the art department geeks to take 3 inchs off her waist. That'll make that ass pop!
Marketing Guy: Great idea, Sir. What should we do with the black guy? Make him really small and have the yard markers point from his distant silhouette directly at Sandra Bullock's ass?
Big Time Producer: Nah, put his big fat ass right next to Sandra's delicious little ass. Black/white. Yin/yang. Beautful/ugly. It's feng shui, baby!!!
So, will I go to the movie theater to see Sandra Bullock's ass and another uplifting "What Would a Poor Black Person do Without a Kindly-Hearted White Person" biopic? No. While I would love to be able to ease my liberal guilt by spending $12 and 2 hours watching another "White People as Savior" flick and I'm obviously fascinated with Sandra Bullock's ass, I'm broke and I already have the newspaper ad of Sandra's ass. Thank you, Big Time Producer.
Friday, December 4, 2009
IRVING — Cowboy linebacker Bradie James was at his outspoken best Wednesday when he talked about the Cowboys - Giants rivalry and one of the points he made was that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning had defiled the new stadium after New York’s 33-31 victory in September.
"Eli signed the inside of the locker room," James said. "He put his phone number. You got to be discreet about that stuff. We won’t forget that. It just makes for a more intense game."
If there was any doubt about the authenticity of the signature, Manning put an end to that Thursday when he confirmed that he did, in fact, sign a concrete column in the visitors’ locker room.
"It’s a pretty common thing," Manning told reporters in New York. "It's how Peyton hooked up with Zach Thomas. Heck, it's how my dad met Jack Youngblood."
Archie and Peyton Manning was unavailable for comment.
Cowboys coach Wade Phillips said he likes and respects Manning, but also said, "Things come back around in this league. Eli is a classy player but he has to learn to keep it on the down low. I really respect him, especially his family. I played football against his dad in college and we shared the soap in the shower but you won't find my signature on the wall at Ole Miss."
Manning did not seem concerned when told that the Cowboys were using his autograph as motivational fodder.
"I kind of heard a few things about it," Manning said. "I figure they’ll eventually get over it. Next time I'll just put my number on my facebook wall."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Up to a few days ago, I could give a fart about Tiger Woods.
Based on my TV, the idea that Tiger Woods may have cheated on a woman that looks as good as a woman can look fascinates everyone. That Mrs. Perfect 10 may have hit Tiger Woods upside the head with his own golf club? That cracks me up.
***I expunged the rest of this bit because it made me cringe.***
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — A 38-year-old former Miss Argentina has died from complications after undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks.
Solange Magnano, a mother of twins who won the crown in 1994, died of a pulmonary embolism Sunday after three days in critical condition following a gluteoplasty in Buenos Aires.
"Mr. Magnano? About your wife, there's good news and bad news. First the good news, your wife's ass looks terrific! Now the bad news, she's never going to use it again and neither are you."
Feel free to bombard me with buttock puns, gluteoplasty euphemisms and hate e-mails.
From my brother, Dave:
I once tricked a girl into a little "cosmetic surgery" on her buttocks. She didn't die, but she couldn't sit down for a week.
Miss Argentina?! Of course I do, that country's got quality ass. Unfortunately, the quality of their ass surgeons? Not so good.
Sphincter?! Hell, it killed her!
If only the embolism had gone to her brain, it wouldn't have done any damage!