Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Random Rude Remarks with photos from last night's performance on DWTS.
There is no truth to the rumor that Bristol Palin made it to the finals by eating the other contestants. (FYI, those are her heaving breasts)
Her partner tried to explain to her that musical chairs was not a style of dance popular in pre-war Berlin, but Bristol always knows better.
And now a cheap shot at her mother, Sarah Palin. This is Sarah Palin's actual prom photo.
I have to admit that I'm pretty disappointed. Sarah is not all that. She looks like the chubby wannabe loser in Saturday Night Fever that John Travolta boinks in the backseat and then dumps off the Verrazano Bridge. Believe me, Sarah would not win any beauty pageants in Brooklyn. And that cheap date didn't even buy her a corsage. No wonder she ended up with Todd.
This concludes today's Bristol Palin update. Thanks for coming.
More Bristol Palin
Bristol Palin's Camel Toe - what happens when too tight pants meet too large labia majora.
Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - see above only plural.
Bristol Palin in a Monkey Suit - see above only furrier.
Friday Fotoshop Funnies: Bristol Palin Shakes her ... - ass.
Bristol Palin or Rare Pink Hippo? - you decide.
Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy? - rare photo of Bristol after she's been ridden hard and put away wet.
I Wouldn't Fuck Bristol Palin with Ann Coulter's Dick! - Bristol goes to a tea party wearing $13,000 earrings.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Why are masses of horny, one-handed surfers landing on my beach? Google. I'm number 3 for Bristol Palin camel toe. Yeah, my mom is proud.
While I have her legs displayed prominently in various posts so I can make fun of them, and her breasts (completely obscured by clothing) have been known to hang around here, there have not been any camel toes belonging to Bristol Palin on this blog, until now. I always aim to please my anonymous, dick-holding fans. This toe is for you!
Here she comes, walking down the street.
Sweet merciful crap, that's a beautiful camel toe. Are you sure that you wouldn't rather have a nice photo of Britol Palin's beer gut? I'm going to have to use photoshop to enhance the toe. It's there, it's just hard to see. Give me a few minutes.
Now we know why Bristol dances like shit.
Seriously, her mother should shoot a camel and make slippers out of those bad boys. They look warm and snuggly.
Does anyone know why camel feet have that weird hole in the front?
Big thanks to regular contributor William Safire for suggesting this update in his comments!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game
by Circus After Dark Productions
Platform: Xbox Rated: Mature
☆☆☆☆☆ (32 customer reviews)
399 new from $9.89 8 used from $2.99
Processing takes an additional 4 to 5 days for orders from this seller.
Ships from and sold by Circus After Dark Productions.
- Take a young, agressive prospect through the keep all the way to The Show.
- Start out as a junior handler, shit shoveller, bucket boy, NFL quarterback, enforcer or getaway driver.
- Need to get rid of puppies that are too nice? Drown 'em, strangle 'em, break their necks, skin 'em, you decide!
- Play by Cajun Rules or make up your own damn rules.
- Test your dog's gameness with 12 different bait animals including rabbits, kittens, poodles, and the ever popular Mexican Hairless.
Dogfighting, we've all dreamed it but do you have what it takes to join the ranks of the cruel, ruthless dogmen? Heartless enough to turn a lovable scamp into a cold-blooded Grand Champion? Find out, order The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game today!
"Not since Jesus of Nazareth has a better, more deserving man risen from the ashes! Michael Vick is the greatest man ever, until Tiger Woods wins another major. I love him and want to bear his children and wipe his ass with my tongue." Mike Greenberg, Mike and Mike in the Morning, ESPN Radio.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Disney World has a major problem. Mother nature and her darned DNA can't make a woman that lives up to the standards created by the horny artists locked up in those Disney Studios. While standing in long lines in the hot sun, I expect the type of eye candy ol' Walt used to put up in Cinemascope. Instead I get this...
Ariel, The Little Mermaid
Ahhh, there is nothing like a sweet, innocent, half-fish, half-gorgeous teen, with beautiful C-shells. (For the purposes of this discussion lets assume she's at least 18. She got married in the movie and it didn't look like Arkansas.)
Okay, so the woman (I can't bring myself to say "actress") portraying Ariel is attractive but compared to the cartoon version she looks like yesterday's bait! Look at Ariel's body! What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to filet that tuna!
BellePoor, bookish Belle, alone in a spooky mansion with a beast that lisps like that half-a-fag Robbie Benson. Her only friends? A candle and a bunch of other household crap. God, she must have wanted to crush that loud-mouth teapot into a whole family of Chips.
Whoa, look at the mug on the human Belle. What rodent did she sleep with to get the job? What rodent did her mom sleep with to get that kid?
Jasmine, in a perpetual tie with Pocahontas for sexiest, non-white Disney babe, she's fallen a bit from grace what with Aladdin sitting in Guantanamo and her magic carpet perpetually grounded because her name keeps getting put on Homeland Security's "No Fly List."
Again, I'm sure the human Jasmine is cute when she dresses up as Chip 'n/or Dale but she doesn't even look Arabic (OK, that might a been what the suits in Orlando were going for). Look at the cartoon Jasmine! A 10-inch waist, a nice full B-cup, and more curves than the Saudi peninsula. Ya never had a friend like me, baby!
Aurora, Sleeping Beauty
I've never seen the movie Sleeping Beauty (at one point growing up I was a boy). I'm sure the story is very nice, involves her mother being dead and includes some lesbian-overtones with furry, little woodland creatures.
I think the human Aurora's been snoozing, after filling up with ribs at the Piglet cookout. They needed the leftover material from Jasmine's pants for that dress! The "real" Aurora looks more like a Barbie doll than a Barbie doll. Can a woman have a waist smaller than 10 inches? Where does she put her important stuff, like her stomache, intestines and gall bladder?
Ah, Cinderella, everyone's dream girl, always on her knees in front of her evil stepsisters, spending hours taking care of their wood floors. Scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, until they're both satisfied with her handiwork. Oh my, where was I? Oh yeah, blogging.
Now this Cinderella is cute in a girl-next-door-to-the-grain-elevator-you-can-get-drunk-with-some-Jack-and-Kool-Aid-and-cop-a-feel-kind-of-way. The real Cinderella looks more like a Barbie doll than Sleeping Beauty, 'cept she has that collar on. I like that collar. Where's my leash and my chew toy?
Jane, from Tarzan
This was almost a tie! Apparently native americans are hot in acetate and human flesh. I asked for her number at Goofy's Beach Club Character Breakfast. She told me that her long tortuous relationship with John Smith had left her with a strong distaste for the white man. Damn English!
Of course the cartoon version has tom-toms the size of wigwams and a face that can not exist in the real world, especially on the Rez. Pocahontas' face is so caucasian that it looks like it belongs on one of those sexy goldfish from Walt's early days. She has no nose, just slits -- because fish breathe with gills, stupid. And if her eyes were any more spread apart, she would have no depth perception at all, but would be able to see a larger fish sneaking up on her from behind.
Hottest African-American princess ever. Looking good in the flesh and as a computer graphic. I have no jokes because I am old and have not seen a Disney princess movie that's come out after 1999.
The highlight of my visit to Disney world was not the real life characters. Human Jasmine was a major disappointment. She was wearing a bathrobe with a hood and was showing less skin than Mary Poppins.
Finally, take a look at Ariel, specifically where her body transforms from human to fish.
What is that adipose fin-like appendage that circles her waist and points directly at her vagina (if she has a vagina). It can't be used for propulsion and isn't even aerodynamic.
I did exhaustive research on mermaids on the internet for five minutes and found these guys.
Finally (for real this time), during my research I found this photo of Alyssa Milano dressed as a mermaid. Enjoy.
*Cloaca - the posterior opening that serves as the only such opening for the intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts of certain animal species. Some fish, and all birds, repitles and amphibians possess this orifice.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Three hours into my vacation at Disney World, I noticed something weird. There were more scooters in the park than there were strollers. When I say scooters, I'm not talking about these things.
Why do I care if Americans are too damn lazy to walk? Look at this photo I took of the guys I was with on my trip.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Snow White has been busy improving the lives of her housemates. With the help of the Pharmaceutical Research Manufacturer's Association (PhRMA), Snow White has all the dwarves on human growth hormone, and has carefully selected prescriptions for each of their "quirks." Snow White has joined us today as a special guest:
Allergic Dwarf, formerly known as Sneezy, was very pleasant and meant well. But just try to eat your bowl of porridge when the dwarf across the table from you is schnuffling, and dripping, and wiping his little snot covered fingers all over the tablecloth. And when he sneezed! Sure we used it for a couple of cheap laughs when we made the movie but I literally had to get out the mop and the bucket and scrub half the cottage everytime he let one loose. Thanks to Claritin and the good folks at the Schering-Plough Corporation, Ally is a happier, less disgusting dwarf that is a pleasure to live with!
Manic, as we call him now, was Happy to the viewing public, but he had a much darker side at home. We could only film during his "highs," and when the bottom dropped out, he'd hide in the mine for days, sobbing uncontrollably. Only Sleepy could get any sleep for weeks on end. Once the electroschock treatments failed and the lobotomy scar healed, we started him on Depakote. The drug worked wonders leveling out his moods. It's enabled Manic to sign a long-term deal, reunite with his long-time lover Dale, and become a productive, if highly unimaginative member of our group.
Dopey no more, thanks to the good people at Shire Pharmaceuticals and Adderall. I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life embroidering his name on every shirt, but now he's working toward his GED and actually helps the others count their morning pills! We've renamed him Addy, after the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) that prevented him from focusing on diamonds, learning scripts, and protecting his ass in the shower. Sure, Adderall is just a mixture of amphetamines, but he and Narcky are up all night working on new projects for our production company.
And what about me? Prince Charming and I tried to make it work but I realized that I was happier with the dwarves. Thanks to the wonderful world of today's magical pharmaceuticals, my life is like a Disney movie!
A short note about cartoon character bits. Everytime I do a bit about cartoon characters, I start getting lots of visitors from search engines looking for "cartoon porn, Judy Jetson naked, or Charlie Brown and Linus teabagging." Its a great source of traffic. Of course when they get here, everyone is pretty disappointed. As a prophylatic measure (prophylatic will be good for a few hits), here's an image that may qualify as Snow White porn.