Friday, January 11, 2013

My Dick Reviews The Hobbit

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

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The Hobbit sucked. End of review.

There are no women in The Hobbit --  except for 2 minutes of the frigid Queen of the Elves. When that Queen Elf looks at you with her cold, blue eyes, your mighty sword wants to crawl back into the scabbard and not come out again until we get back to The Shire.

No women.

Peter Jackson: "But Dick, there were no women in the book."
Me: "Hey Peter, you stuck a whole lot of crap in the movie that wasn't in the book but you couldn't find a place for a female of any species?"

What if one of the 17 indistinguishable dwarves was a women? She wouldn't have to be a gnarled, misshapen dwarf, she could be like that Mini-Me Aragorn. Maybe a shrunken down version of Liv Tyler? Perfect in every way and 3 feet tall.

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The last vision I have of the gorgeous Princess Arwen was that one up there. Aragorn was out of town on business and we met behind the dunes on the plains of Rohan. Inset your favorite LOTR euphemism here. I'd go for something that includes hobbit holes.

So, on the standard scale of At Least One Woman of Childbearing Age Per Movie Please where 1 Desireé Cousteau is no woman present and 5 Desireé Cousteaus is an old  Super 8 mm found only in the seediest sections of Alderaan  called Deep Inside Princess Leia, I give The Hobbit 1 Desireé.

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If you can figure out the connection between The Hobbit and Ms. Cousteau, you will win a rare, Uncle Melon How to Eat Pussy t-shirt*.  Here's a hint, it's exactly three degrees of separation.

Other posts by my dick:

My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

*Disclaimer: Friends, family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this contest.