Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.
The sexiest thing about this movie were Gale's eyes. Gale is a dude.
Given that this movie has more important female roles than an afternoon of Spanish soap operas, the lack of stimulation is astounding.
Jennifer Lawrence's face was incredibly puffy. And her nose was raw and rashy from all the blowing. And her eyes were red and moist. BECAUSE ALL SHE DOES IN THIS MOVIE IS CRY!
I never thought I would write a paragraph about Jennifer Lawrence that
included the words, puffy, raw and moist and not get hard. Thank you,
Boo hoo, they knocked down the Hall of Justice in my hometown. Boo hoo, everyone in District 8 is dead. Boo hoo, Peeta looks like he lost weight. Boo hoo, they didn't destroy an old photo of my dad. Boo hoo, my bratty sister, that I risked my life for when I volunteered in her stead at the culling, is showing a complete lack of appreciation by going off to save her stupid cat during a fucking air raid. Boo fucking hoo.
Did I mention Kat was wearing a Katwoman suit? I didn't? Because it didn't matter. She never kicked any ass in it. In between tears, she sat in a bunker and watched Peeta get saved on TV. Watching Peeta get saved is my job. Miss Katniss Everdeen, you're job is saving Peeta's skinny ass.
Did a crying Superman ever sit in his Fortress of Solitude watching Aquaman save Lois Lane on his big screen TV?
Did a crying Spider-Man ever sit at home in Queens watching The Sub-Mariner save Mary Jane on Aunt May's old black and white?
Did a crying Batman ever sit at home in his cave watching The Flash save Robin on his 3D High Def Bat-o-Vision.
Katniss is a girlie girl. Now, it's my turn to cry. Boo hoo.
It's well established that I like me some eyebrows. Elizabeth looks like Edward Scissorhands in drag. Wait, she just looks like Edward Scissorhands. Cue the Pac-Man dying sound effect.
The sports bra and weird futuristic hairdo/tat made her look too much like a Bride of Christ hooker from an old Transmetropolitan comic book. Yuck.
Her profile gets shown a lot in this movie. Never seems to be her good side.
Admit it, even Gale looks less dreamy without eyebrows. Although, the way I photoshopped him, he kind of looks like a hunky Romulan.
So, on the standard Nicole Kidman in The Hours scale where 1 is me getting a hand job from Edward Scissorhands and 5 is
me taking a bubble bath with a nymphomaniac, I give The Hunger Games: Mockingjay -- Part 1 one Elizabeth Banks masturbating in the bath.
Other articles by my dick:
My Dick Reviews American Hustle
My Dick Reviews The Hobbit 2
My Dick Reviews House of Cards
My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing