Wednesday, December 3, 2014

My Dick Reviews The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Katniss crying Mockingjay Jennifer Lawrence funny
Through the whole 2 hours and 15 minutes, I never peeked my head out of my briefs.  I stayed hunkered down in District 13, safe, slightly bored, flaccid.

The sexiest thing about this movie were Gale's eyes. Gale is a dude.

Given that this movie has more important female roles than an afternoon of Spanish soap operas, the lack of stimulation is astounding.

Katniss Everdeen hot or not Jennifer Lawrence funny Mockingjay
Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen
Jennifer Lawrence's face was incredibly puffy. And her nose was raw and rashy from all the blowing. And her eyes were red and moist. BECAUSE ALL SHE DOES IN THIS MOVIE IS CRY!

I never thought I would write a paragraph about Jennifer Lawrence that included the words, puffy, raw and moist and not get hard. Thank you, Mockingjay!

Boo hoo, they knocked down the Hall of Justice in my hometown. Boo hoo, everyone in District 8 is dead.   Boo hoo, Peeta looks like he lost weight.  Boo hoo, they didn't destroy an old photo of my dad. Boo hoo, my bratty sister, that I risked my life for when I volunteered in her stead at the culling, is showing a complete lack of appreciation by going off to save her stupid cat during a fucking air raid.  Boo fucking hoo.

Did I mention Kat was wearing a Katwoman suit?  I didn't?  Because it didn't matter.   She never kicked any ass in it. In between tears, she sat in a bunker and watched Peeta get saved on TV.   Watching Peeta get saved is my job.  Miss Katniss Everdeen, you're job is saving Peeta's skinny ass.

Did a crying Superman ever sit in his Fortress of Solitude watching Aquaman save Lois Lane on his big screen TV?

Did a crying Spider-Man ever sit at home in Queens watching The Sub-Mariner save Mary Jane on Aunt May's old black and white?

Did a crying Batman ever sit at home in his cave watching The Flash save Robin on his 3D High Def Bat-o-Vision.

Katniss is a girlie girl. Now, it's my turn to cry.  Boo hoo.

Elizabeth Banks hot or not funny Mockingjay
Elizabeth Banks as Stylist Chick
It's well established that I like me some eyebrows.   Elizabeth looks like Edward Scissorhands in drag.  Wait, she just looks like Edward Scissorhands.  Cue the Pac-Man dying sound effect.

Margaery Game of Thrones hot or not funny Mockingjay
Hot Princess with Push-Up Bra from Game of Thrones as Hot Director (hot as in currently popular or in demand) 
The sports bra and weird futuristic hairdo/tat made her look too much like a Bride of Christ hooker from an old Transmetropolitan comic book.  Yuck.

MILF Porn Star from Dirk Diggler as President Hippie Bride of Frankenstein
Her profile gets shown a lot in this movie.  Never seems to be her good side.

Gale Mockingjay hot or not funny

Admit it, even Gale looks less dreamy without eyebrows.  Although, the way I photoshopped him, he kind of looks like a hunky Romulan.

So, on the standard Nicole Kidman in The Hours scale where 1 is me getting a hand job from Edward Scissorhands and 5 is me taking a bubble bath with a nymphomaniac, I give The Hunger Games: Mockingjay -- Part 1 one Elizabeth Banks masturbating in the bath.

Elizabeth Banks bathtub hot

Other articles by my dick:
My Dick Reviews American Hustle
My Dick Reviews The Hobbit 2
My Dick Reviews House of Cards
My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

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