Monday, April 28, 2014

Donald Sterling Cartoon Needs a Funny Caption

Donald Sterling Cartoon - funny caption contest.

Donald Sterling funny cartoon

Obviously, I got nothing. Do me better and you'll win a rare UncleMelon.com t-shirt*




*Employees, their immediate family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this prize.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/16/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kate Middleton and Prince William show affection
They can't keep their hands off each other! Kate and Wills show they're very much in love with tactile displays of affection
My Comment:  Back at Oxford, when I was dating Kate,  we used to show our love with projectile relays of infection.  Good times.

When Kate used to pat my shoulder firmly, I'd shiver with anticipation and have warm memories of my old rugby coach, Mr. Tully.


Emily DiDonato hot bkini bathing suit Fap Island
Jake Gyllenhaal's ex Emily DiDonato displays her curvaceous figure in several sexy outfits on the beach 
My Comment:  Wow, Emily looks gorgeous!  I'd Fap all over that Island.  Oops, I just did.


Kim Kardashian butt funny tail
Kim Kardashian wants an eye-popping booty that everyone notices 
My Comment:  If she grew a tail, her posterior would be worshiped as a monkey-god in India.


Heidi Klum topless hot nipples boobs naked boy toy
Heidi Klum, 40, goes topless while frolicking with her 27-year-old toyboy lover Vito
My Comment: A chubby, flabby boy toy?  Where do I apply for the job?


Kim Kardashian lands on her ample derriere after taking a tumble
My Comment:  Kim is supposed to look like Audrey Hepburn? It looks like she ate Audrey Hepburn for breakfast, with a side of bacon.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kim Kardashian Paris short hair
Kim Kardashian reveals new short hair while shopping in Paris
My Comment:  Kim looks like one of the guys from Tron except she's too fat to ride a Light Cycle.  Rating ▲1

Kim Kardasian Tron cameltoe camel toe



Billionaire Howard Lutnick sues Southampton zoning boards and MEMBERS for $56m because they reject his plans to build a basketball court
My Comment:  If he doesn't like it, he should take his billions and move to Russia. Good riddance. Real men play basketball at public playgrounds. Another rich wimp.  Rating ▼54

I'd love to ball with this 1%er pussy.  He's bald like Michael but he looks soft, and white, like a kitten's belly.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time Woody Harrelson showed up at our court at the 14th St. Y over on First Avenue.  Woody didn't have much game -- but the weed?   SportsCenter highlight worthy.


Indian monkey god
Indian boy with a tail worshipped as a monkey-like god
My Comment:   A heartwarming story. The Indians have always been an accepting and tolerant people, willing to caste off their differences and embrace everyone without prejudice. Rating ▼152

Wasn't sure why this comment was getting so much negative response -- until I saw the comments on my comment.  The sarcasm was lost and anti-Indianism was carrying the vote.  I'll take the ▼152 anyway I can.  BTW, there was an Indian monkey-god with a tail story a few weeks ago, submitted same comment, didn't get through.


Kylie Jenner before after plastic surgery
'It hurts my feelings': Kylie Jenner, 16, slams plastic surgery claims branding them 'insulting'
My Comment:  Don't go under the knife, if you can't take the strife. -- Emily Dickinson  Rating ▲56

Without the Kardashians, The Daily Mail would be just two pages of monkey tail stories.

Friday, April 11, 2014

My Breakfast Bet of the Day

Danish that looks like Rory McIlroy not betMasters Neil Gaiman

I bought a chocolate danish today that looks just like Neil Gaiman so I placed a  £12,00 bet on Neil to win the Masters. Drinks are on me!

Queen Latifah's Melons

Sometimes this blog makes me smile.

Queen Latifah's net worth

Like when I saw "Queen Latifah's melons" as a search term in the site statistics.  Somebody typed "Queen Latifah's melons" into google and then visited my site.  Cool.  But why?

Queen Latifah's real name

Turns out that I'm number 1 for "Queen Latifah's melons" on google image search.  Yippee!  Click on the photo of Queen Latifah in the top left-hand corner and you end up at my blog.

I took my own trip to wikipedia and found out that when she isn't busy fulfilling all the duties required of the reigning Queen of Latifah, Queen Latifah is an accomplished, amateur botanical geneticist, responsible for the creation of the Latifah melon (Scientific name: Danaelainus owenis).  It's a delicious cultivar of the traditional honey dew and the rare French Charentais.

Sadly, there are no melons belonging to Queen Latifah here.  That google guy left disappointed -- which saddens me.  After an exhaustive search of the internet that took 5 minutes, I could not find a single photo of "Queen Latifah's melons" to share with everyone.

Queen Latifah with fruit

Will citrus do?  Looks juicy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/11/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian Nick Cannon funny
'There have been a lot of people since me!' Nick Cannon disses Kim Kardashian as he reminds the world he once slept with her
My Comment:  Sleeping with Kim Kardashian is like farting in an elevator, every guy has done it, we just don't admit to it.

When I wrote this joke last week, it was about how kissing Tara Reid was like farting in an elevator.  I'm going to milk this baby like North milks mama. 


Ivanka Trump goggie style butt hot
Ivanka Trump takes adorable Arabella through her morning yoga routine
My Comment:  I could "down dog pose" with Ivanka all day.  You know, because I really like yoga.


wet
Coming soon… another self-indulgent video: Bikini-clad Kim Kardashian flips her wet hair in a raunchy tease
My Comment: Free Willy!!!  Whales should not be kept in captivity.  Sad.  #Blackfish

Miley Cyrus kissing dog
'What am I gonna do without him?' Miley Cyrus is inconsolable after beloved dog Floyd dies while she's away on tour
My Comment:   Can you imagine the horrible, horrible things that dog had to watch?  Poor dear probably killed himself.

Seriously, doesn't it look like the dog is afraid he'll get herpes?

Miley Cyrus naked nude nipples
Miley Cyrus goes topless and straddles a horse statue while holding a blunt in leaked new single cover
My Comment:  Never before has so much been made of so little.  Hope they hosed down that horse when they were done.


Kim Kardashian butt photoshop funny
Yes, my bum looks big in this! Kim Kardashian reveals her inflated posterior in a tiny bikini as she poses for beach shoot
My Comment:  Hey girls, Never go to the beach without your towel, sunscreen and photoshop.

See that fake looking gap between her left arm and her hip?  Photoshop.  Luckily, I have an old friend at the American Embassy in Thailand and she was able to send me the unaltered photo.


Kim Kardashian butt photoshop before and after

Kim Kardashian's butt before photoshop.  Yummy!

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

funny Kim Kardashian bikini photoshop fail
She wants to look her best for the wedding photos': Kim Kardashian determined to shed another 5lbs for Kanye nuptials
My Comment:  I think you left off a 0. She must want to lose 50 pounds before the wedding.  Rating ▲35

I'm not usually a fat joke guy but the Kardashians are unbelievable. Rich liars are some of my least favorite people.

Kim Kardashian photoshop fail funny bikini

The Daily Mail - All the Kardashian News That's Fit to Print.