Glory Days - Freedom Fries and Hot, Leggy Blondes in High Heels

I was cleaning off my desk at home when I found an old copy of the Russia Journal. I appeared in an article with Maureen Dowd about the funniness of freedom fries. It's the second time I have crossed paths with Ms. Dowd. Remember when I bitched about the time at National Lampoon when her lame Santa Claus bit bumped my killer Bush bit ruining Christmas for everyone expecting a present from me. No? That post is called Maureen Dowd's cameltoe.

The main point of the Russia Journal article is how I was much funnier than some guy named Ivan Eland, a writer for American Prospect.

The best part of the article is that when they referred to my site they got the name wrong. They called it unclemelon.org. Everyone knows that my site is called unclemelon.com. UncleMelon.org is the website for an organization that raises money for old guys with gigantism of the testes.

When they used the wrong name, I lost out on all the traffic I would have gotten from the massive readership of the Russia Journal. Think of all the oligarch hating Russians that prefer their news in English that I missed out on. One of those guys was a fan that actually e-mailed me about the article which is how I found about it.

My bit makes fun of the fact that the stupid congress went after only the French and only fries. You can read it here. The real suporters of Freedom Fries were Bob "Mayor of Capitol Hill" Ney and Jimmy "No Prostate" Saxton. Ney is now a convicted felon and spends his days lowering his handicap at Federal Correctional Institute, Morgantown, West Virginia. Saxton is still protecting us from the French from his recliner somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. I ended up marrying the beautiful Mandy Pepperidge and becoming a U.S. senator. Yea, me!

Besides actual laughs, my bit also had something nobody else had, a hot French freedom maid with a french freedom fry between her legs. Back in the day, I used to have to come up with a hot babe tease or nobody ever visited the bit. Oh wait, I still have to do that.

This image not only got casual readers to visit a political bit void of sex, it also made unclemelon.com extremely popular with microphiliacs worldwide. If microphilia is not a fetish that you are familiar with, it's when you have a sexual attraction to little people. And by little, I'm not talking about the everyday regular guy desire to munch on a Munchkin, I'm talking REALLY little like a 3-inch tall, leggy blonde in high heels.

John Hughes and My Vagina

John Hughes had a major influence on me. Not through his movies, although I liked a bunch of them, but with his writing at National Lampoon.

My Vagina published in April 1979 was the funniest damn thing I had ever read. It was about a typical teenage guy that wakes up one morning to find that his penis has been replaced with a vagina. Not only was it very funny, it was also the kind of thing I wanted to write.

Vacation '58 was great, when the aunt dies, shit! It was way better than the movie.

I never realized it before today, but I have been ripping off his Engagement Guide for the past 10 years. An excerpt:

Question: "What is at the core of our current problems with Mexico?"

If she answers: "I just love this song, turn it up! Oooo, I love the nightlife!" She is a dumbass.

If she answers: "You haven't phrased the question very well. Are you referring to the natural-gas pricing debacle or the general ill feeling toward the Yanqui?" She is a smartass.

If she answers: "We're not very nice to them; let's fuck, then I'll make you dinner and vacuum out your car." Don't wait for the wedding. Elope and buy her anything she wants.

I found a pirated version of My Vagina on a transgender site! Enjoy.

Shameless Plug: The Vermont BJ Company

From the PtB Archives:I reposted a Father's Day Classic, The Vermont BJ Company.

This bit has a special place in comedy history. It was the first time National Lampoon ever rejected one of my submissions. It was called The Vermont BJ Company or How to Write a Funny Article for National Lampoon. Why did they reject it? I'll give you three guesses.

Was it not dirty enough for the frat boys? It's called Vermont BJ Company! Next.

Was it not funny enough? I wrote it! Next.

They were afraid of being sued? This is the U.S. of effing A. Satire and parody are protected under the first amendment, and by satire and parody, they mean any lame attempt at humor even if its not satire or parody, e.g., The Onion.

They rejected it because it made fun of National Lampoon.

That's when I realized that this was not my daddy's National Lampoon.

Typos, National Lampoon and a Shameless Plug

I was just reading a bit that is posted over at the site, admiring my own cleverness and wit, when I found two typos. I hate typos. What pisses me off about these particular typos is that not only did I miss them, no fewer than two editors at National Lampoon missed them two. (I did that on purpose cause it's whacky).

I have this dislexic thing about your and you're. I know I have this problem. I've always had this problem. You would think that whenever I type these frickin' words I would be extra careful. You would be wrong.

The bit is called Eighteen Magazine's Guide to the Prom. It's memorable for a couple of reasons.

1. National Lampoon bought it even though it had been on UncleMelon.com for years and had been read by several dozen people. A couple of Benjamin Franklins for absolutely nothing, sweet.

2. I really, really like the photoshop job I did on that dandelion corsage. I especially like the two dangling flowers. Most of the stuff I do is crap but not always.

3. The loser with the pink cummerbund is Stuttering John Melendez from the old Howard Stern Show. Why did I use it? Because dogs can lick they're own balls. I got a thing about their, there, and they're, two.