Thursday, July 22, 2010

36 Hours in Nantucket: A Travel Guide*

*Not associated with the series of New York Times articles that pissed me off.

Last week, when the editors at George Magazine pitched this assignment, I jumped at it. With the exception of Houston, Texas, there are not too many places in the world I won't visit as long as I'm paid well and get to expense everything. I borrowed a crisp white shirt with lots of buttons, a pair of Nantucket Reds, and a blue blazer from my obnoxious neighbor Spaulding, and headed for the ferry.

Nantucket is like Martha's Vineyard without the annoying black dog. With a name easier to pronounce than the nearby islands of Tuckernuck or Muskecunt, it is also far more popular. Nantucket is Algongouin for "in the midst of old money," if you ever visit, you literally have to bring a boatload of cash -- not a Boston Whaler, we're talking at least a 41-footer.

Friday 5 PM

Take a stroll down Main Street and stare at people that all look like the grandparents of those precious Lands' End models. It will make you feel good to rudely bump into all these rich assholes that some how manage to spend the whole summer on an island not working, so do it.

Stop in at the revered Mitchell's Book Nook. This store was recently saved from being turned into a Juicy Girl Couture Outlet by the wife of Google Founder, Willoughby C. Googlebinder. Talk about throwing heaps of new money after old. I bought a book of Robert Frost poems set in New England (57 dollars). I plan on sprinkling poems throughout this article in order to haughty it up a bit. Don't worry, they are in the public domain.

Friday 8 PM

The coolest new restaurant in Nantucket is called Dune. Way sweeter than Hard Rock or Mars 2112, you'll be greeted by young Paul Atreides, the heir apparent to Duke Leto Atreides and the scion of House Atreides. Order the tasty Melange-Spiced Duck with a side order of Duncan Idaho potatos (74 dollars) from your lovely blue-eyed waitress.

Good Food in a Fun Setting By Robert Frost

There once was a bistro named Dune
I went there for lunch just past noon
The waitress was hot
A tube collected her snot
When she tossed my salad, I finished too soon.

Friday 10 PM

Have a drink with the young (on Nantucket that's anyone under 62) crowd that gathers down by the water at the Weathered Beam. Try a Boston College Coed on the Beach (28 dollars), that's made with aged rum, Nantucket Nectar Pomegranate Pear Cocktail with a squeeze of an old man's sack. Now try a breathing Boston College coed on one of the sofas that are scattered on the actual beach.

A Girl from Nantucket by Robert Frost

There once was a girl from Nantucket

With a cunt so small no one could fuck it
She said with a grin
As it failed to go in
If you want, I can bend down and suck it.

Saturday 10 AM

Stroll through the Nantucket Farmer's and Artisans Market, two whole blocks containing 65 booths filled with every imaginable piece of crap made out of blueberries or driftwood.

Saturday 1 PM

Get a beach permit for $150 because what are you going to do with that kind of chump change anyway, buy another necktie? Rent a big, gas guzzling SUV (200 dollars for 3 hours) and head out west to Eel Point for the Seal and Turf Special (137 dollars for two). Back in the good old days, Nantucket was famous for more than rich, old people and dirty poems, whales and seals fueled the local economy and the local's gastrointestinal tracts. The tender baby seal breasts sauteed in whale oil partnered with broiled Black Lab tenderloins harken back to a simpler time.

Saturday 8 PM

Put on a pair of Nantucket Reds (70 dollars at Murray's Toggery Shop) or a pair of almost identical looking and way more comfortable pink khakis (27 dollars at Lands' End) and sneak into the Nantucket Yacht Club for whatever lame event they have scheduled. Rub elbows with the kind of WASPs you used to watch on TV. Try to get lucky with a visiting niece or hump a dowdy dowager. You could get really lucky and get to spend your summers in a beautiful place, doing absolutely nothing that betters the lives of anyone but yourself.

Love Lost by Robert Frost

There once was a dawk from New Yawk
Who needed a rich bitch to powk
Struck out at the Club
So he started to rub
And sprayed jizz from Nantucket to Montauk

Sunday 11 AM

After waking up alone, with the realization that tomorrow you have to go back to your crappy apartment and your vitality-enviscerating job, visit the Nantucket Shipwreck & Lifesaving Museum (suggested donation, 40 dollars). Sure your life sucks worse than Karl Rove with a mouthful of broken glass, but at least you haven't drowned in an angry, bone-chilling sea, yet.

Sunday 12 PM

There's just one more chance to overpay for a pretentious meal so head over to celebrity chef Todd English's latest excuse to make barges of money, The Summerhouse Restaurant. Sample classic dishes that have been civilized so that they can be easily gummed and pooped into a pair of Depends. Crab cake with corn salsa and Portugese orphan kidneys (57 dollars) is simply a ramped up standard. Warm lobster salad with ramps and poached Kennedy jowls (64 dollars) is another dish that requires the use of a with and an and.

Sunday 2 PM

While taking a final stroll through the dunes at Bluff Walk, marvel that the many mansions covered with weathered and worn wooden shingles could have been spared this indiginity with the prophylactic use of affordable vinyl siding (1.60 dollars per square foot). As your sunburned legs brush past the poison ivy that the billionaire owners plant along the boardwalk to discourage scum like you, leave Nantucket content with the knowledge that the Lyme Disease that the tick burrowed deep in your pubes is injecting into your bloodstream disables those with blue blood just as effectively as regular red-blooded Americans.

Cheap Shot at the Kennedys by Robert Frost

ol' Kennedy was at a place on the Cape
Where he drank and he drank to escape
He once killed a daughter
But it wasn't manslaughter
And his nephew got away with a rape.


  1. Bobby,

    This bit is done. Put her to bed. What did you do? Run a word search and replace Mexico City with Nantucket?

    Best pair of Nantucket Reds I ever had was Maggie O'Hooligan and her sister Bridgette. They both waited tables at a place that specialized in bearded clams.


  2. Bill,

    I disagree. I think this post added a bit of freshness to the bit; like the way the City smells after a heavy rainfall has washed all the dogshit off the sidewalks but before the sewers backup.

    Redheaded twins... we've all been there!


  3. Great bit Bob,
    Living in the same state as Nantucket I know all too well the types of people that visit the island in the summertime. Lets just say that when it rains, I worry they might drown from water in their noses.

  4. I agree with all above members well i really enjoyed after read your article thanks for sharing us.

  5. Mike,

    Thanks for the comment! I appreciate it.

    London Holiday,

    Ms. Holiday it has been a long time! Next time you're in NYC we need to hook-up. Thanks for the comment!