Thursday, January 22, 2015

A New Bill Belichick Book by Lacey Noonan and Me

new Bill Belichick balls book funny by Lacey Noonan

Deflated Balls to Remember
A new book by Lacey Noonan (with Bob Melonosky)

Selected Excerpts from Deflated Balls to Remember:

"When Bill's balls broke the plane of my end zone, I felt the pressure decrease, pound after pound after pound, until he showered me with his love, just like Richard Seymour and Rodney Harrison showered Bill with gatorade when the Pats won 19 in a row back in 2004."

"Bill's balls grazed the upright but bounced in for the score, my grip firm despite the wetness, thanks to the scuffing up Tom Brady preferred."  Bill Belichick's face stayed exactly the same, his lips forming a line straight and true, his eyes staring blankly,  as he had the greatest orgasm of his entire life.


Finally, I think I've sucked every last drop of humor out of Bill Belichick's balls.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Bill Belichick's Balls

Bill Belichick balls funny New England Patriots underinflated deflated


Is anybody really surprised that Bill Belichick has deflated balls?

And Because I Can't Help Myself More Ball Jokes

I've always said Bill Belichick has a set of balls on him -- that are squishy and underinflated.

Tom Brady likes his balls scuffed up and soft, so he can get a good grip on them.

Before each game, Bill Belichick submits his balls for inspection.  Officials check the pressure of Bill's balls and weigh each one individually to assure that they meet with NFL regulations.

ESPN is reporting that Roger Goodell is heading to Atlantic City where he'll burn Bill Belichick's balls in an elevator.

Bill Belichick Press Conference About His Balls (courtesy of my brother)

Bill Belichick balls funny

Bill Belichick: My balls are inflated to the pressure that's best for the team.  Next question?

Bill Belichick: My balls have the same inflation they always have, and they treated last game like any other game.

Bill Belichick: My balls need to execute better in all phases of the game.

Bill Belichick: My balls are moving on to Seattle, who's a great team, in all phases of the game, and they are tough, physical and know how to execute.

Bill Belichick Bellichick funny

Bill Belichick: My balls are neither over or under inflated.  They are sagging, in all phases of the game, and they need to execute better.

Bill Belichick: My balls, like in every game, are examined by the referees, who are just doing their job, every game, and I think they try to do their job in every phase of the game, and execute.

Bill Belichick: My balls are something you should ask the NFL about.  I'm focusing on my team, and getting them ready for the next game.

Bill Belichick deflated balls funny


Bill Belichick: My balls on film tend to favor the a-gap, and that's something they've been working on, but we need better execution.

Bill Belichick: My balls were drafted in the late second round, with one of two picks we traded down for, which represents ball value, not deflation.

Bill Belichick: My ball status is something for the trainers and medical staff and I'll wait to see what they say about them and then we'll do what's best for the team.

Bill Belichick: My balls are nothing new, and they've been handled like this since the 60's, and Lombardi handled them the same way, then there was the spread offense, and of course Joe Paterno knew something about ball-handling and it's evolved, so my balls are nothing new.

Bill Belichick: My balls were walk-ons at Rutgers.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 1/16/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

Mark Wahlberg Dirk Diggler

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Khloe Kardashian big camel toe cameltoe
'Camille the camel is trying to say hi!' Khloe Kardashian makes fun of her VERY tight white jeans
My Comment:   If she wants more customers she should spend less time advertising the gaping vacancy of her "nether region," and more time fixing the place up so we'd want to visit.

When you're the ugliest Kardashian, sometimes you have to go to great lengths to get attention.  If Khloe was actually able to teach her vagina to talk, even if it just said "hi!" and her mom videotaped her vagina in action, maybe performing with Gary Busey,  Khloe would be a bigger star than her brother Rob.

Miley Cyrus naked nude uncensored
Patrick Schwarzenegger’s girlfriend Miley Cyrus goes full-frontal for most shocking shoot yet
My Comments:  Miley has more ugly tattoos than an Algerian midfielder.

She also has the skinny, ill-defined arms of an Algerian midfielder.

Miley doesn't seem to have a grand plan for her body as a canvas.  It looks like she gets really high, somebody says lets get more ink and Miley says. "Sure, but not too big."


Tina
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler impersonate Bill Crosby at Golden Globes
My Comment:  Who the heck is Bill Crosby?  Is he one of those valets/footmen/butlers on Downton Abbey?  "Blimey, the Countess has more wrinkles than an ascot ironed by Thomas."


Bruce Jenner woman transgender
Bruce Jenner shows the strain as he puffs on a cigarette after 'mean' magazine adds lipstick to cover photo and claims he would come out as 'transwoman' in 2015 
 My Comment:  On next week's cover, Kris Jenner will reveal that she has a kock in 2015.

See, I was right.


Kris Jenner transgender camel toe


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Mark Wahlberg racist felon
Former prosecutor says Mark Wahlberg should not be pardoned because he hasn't acknowledged his 'racist' past 
My Comment:   It's all about $$$. He wants to get a liquor license for his loser brother's restaurant. Hey Mark, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.  Rating ▲29

Mark Wahlberg underwear funny camel toe

Rightwing nutjobbers don't like Mark Wahlberg, a convicted racist that shoots people in every movie even when he's playing an accountant?   Isn't Mark the new Clint?  I still can't figure you bastards out.

Friday, January 9, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 1/9/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


heidi klum naked nipples beach
Heidi Klum displays her fantastic figure... as she enjoys another day on the beach with toyboy lover
My Comment:  That guy is the worst boytoy ever.  Did she get him free when she bought a stick of gum?


Kim Kardashian fat ass daily mail funny
Kim Kardashian shows off famous booty in a pair of low slung jeans
My Comment:  Kim Kardashian still has a fat ass.  News at 11. This is proof that the Daily Mail is required to have 10 Kim Kardashian stories a day or her mom stops sending them a check.


Paris Hilton doggy style funny
My dream puppies!' Paris Hilton 'spends $25K on two adorable Pomeranians and gives one to mom Kathy as an anniversary gift'
My Comment:  "She's known for being quite the animal as the proud owner of seven dogs."  Why is Paris Hilton known as an animal?  Does she beat her dogs?  Does she "sleep" with them?  Please explain.

Seems Daily Mail editors get paid to hack famous cell phones. They leave the actual editing to the site's commentators.


Vanessa Hudgens hot sexy cleavage yoga pants leopard
Jungle fever! Vanessa Hudgens flashes her perfectly-toned abs in a leopard print crop top and leggings for a glamorous workout
My Comment:  Maybe Khloe Kardashian thinks she looks like Vanessa when she waddles to a workout dressed like a cheetah.


Khloe Kardashian fat slow stupid workout

Fat, stupid and slow is no way for a predator cat to go through life , son.  -- Dean Wormer.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Cara Delevingne eyebrows big bushy
'You truly had the best eyebrows in the world': Cara Delevingne pays touching tribute to lookalike grandmother after she passes away aged 102
My Comment:  When I die, I hope my eyebrows aren't the only things my granddaughter misses. Cara's a superficial piece of lint or that grandmother was a serious be-atch.  Rating ▼1 

Seriously, "best eyebrows" is the best you can come up with when you describe your dead grandmother?  The only way that's a touching tribute is if Cara is actually touching her grandmother's eyebrows when she says it.

 Besides, everyone knows that Nicholas Cage has the best eyebrows.


Teresa Guidice prison photo mugshot
'I live for my daughters': Tearful Teresa Giudice shares her love for her family and reminisces about her early years in pre-prison interview.
My Comment:  If she cared about her daughters more than money, she wouldn't be in jail. The girls would be better off without her.  Rating ▲11

Chris Christie felon funny

Where's all my red arrows?  I would have thought that Teresa, a disgustingly rich, New Jersey stay-at-home mom with big boobs and a felony conviction for mail, wire and bankruptcy fraud, would be a poster girl for Chris Christie's Republican Party.  Apparently not.

Bonus Fun! 

Because I care about my loyal readers.  And because I created an image of Chris Christie banging Teresa Guidice doggy-style then shrunk it way down to fit in the Daily Mail header at the top of the bit.   And because, what the hell, how often to get to screw with two felons from New Jersey by having them screw?  Here's the big version of the photoshop.

funny Teresa Guidice porn fake nudes Chris Christie screwing the electorate

So for everyone who got to this page by googling:

Teresa Guidice porn

Chris Christie screwing the electorate

Teresa Guidice fake nudes

Chris Christie giving the good news to a big donor

Teresa Guidice sitting on a big boner

and

Chris Christie O-Face


Enjoy!

 BTW, it looks like the Governor is making all the right moves in all the right places.

This concludes the google punking portion of the broadcast.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Downton Abbey is Fiddler on the Roof for WASPs. A Rerun.

Another rerun.

How did I miss the return of Downton Abbey?  Oh yeah, they don't advertise it during football and basketball games.  Seeing Anna fluff a pillow would be a nice break from the continuous airing of those pretentious, squirmy, psychotic Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials.  Instead of wanting to buy a car, those commercials have brainwashed me into wanting to punch Matthew McConaughey in the face and smash that ridiculous car with my Felix Millian Model, 38-ounce Louisville Slugger that I keep under my bed to ward off home invaders.


 
funny Downton Abbey is Fiddler on the Roof

I got to be honest, just like most guys, I watch Downton Abbey. I sit through an hour of fireplace cleanings and bed making and women with broken hearts because it might infinitesimally increase my chances of banging the crumpet with whom I share my couch.

I don't think too much about the show. I don't wonder why a Monty Python bit about trench warfare that cost about  £2 (that's two pounds sterling or about $3 American) can look more realistic than this show because of the judicious use of dirt. I don't think about how fucking big that house is yet we only see four rooms. I don't think about why the chauffeur gets his own house and what does he do all day when nobody ever drives anywhere. I don't wonder what you call the female butler. I gotta believe that she has a cool name like butler or valet but what is it? And what does she do all day?

But once during a particular slow scene (ha, that's quite droll because every scene is slow, oh, so painstakingly slow and British), a synapse fired and I realized that I was watching Fiddler on the Roof. A Fiddler on the Roof for WASPs.

Less facial hair, better frocks.
Less singing, more eating.
Less dancing, more stiff upper lips.
Less Jews, more Episcopalians.

But it's the same damn story.

funny downton abbey dad and an old jew

They're both about these cranky, old dads that really aren't that bad once you get to know them.  They both have shriveled up shrews for wives that aren't that important and they both have three daughters that are the whole story.

funny downton abbey crawley sisters and Hot Orthodox Jew porn

Three daughters that drive their dads crazy. That's entertainment!

For the record, that photo of the Milkman sisters is really, really hot if you're an Orthodox Jew. Back when I was in yeshiva, we would dream of yanking it to a photo of three hot sheyne meydels wearing only their gotkes. Look at those bare arms!  We would dream because if we actually yanked it, the rabbi told us it would fall off and that the Italians would take it and make sausages for their pizza.

But which of these long suffering dads has got the worst daughters? And should the Fiddler on the Roof guy sue the Downton Abbey guy? And maybe I should pitch Downton Abbey: The Musical to Matthew Broderrick.

funny downton abbey mary and her turk killing vagina versus Barbra Streisand
Mary vs. Tzeidel
The most important daughters with respect to screen time, Tzeidel was played by a young Barbra Streisand in her film debut. Mary is portrayed by a hot, British hat.

Fiddler Dad sets up Tzeidel with a butcher that is fat, old and rich. young steven spielbergTzeidel falls in love with a skinny, wimpy, little shnook named Steven Spielberg. To be fair to her dad, this is before Mr. Spielberg emigrated to America and became famous and rich.

Fiddler Dad has to cancel the wedding to the butcher and reschedule everything, causing all kinds of trouble, including the loss of a significant deposit to the caterer.

The worst thing Mary does is kill a Turk with her vagina. Being a snooty British television show, we don't get to see how, but I'm pretty sure that the Turk died with a smile on his face. Sadly, Mary almost never smiles anymore because killing a Turk with your vagina was frowned upon by the British uppercrust. Personally, if I knew Mary's vagina killed a Turk I'd be first in line to be the next victim. Now that I'm out of yeshiva I dream of dying with a big, mother-effing smile on my face while my schmeckle is buried deep.

Mary and her killer vagina win this battle.


funny downton abbey sybil marries a leprechaun

Sybil vs Hodel

The second most important pair of daughters are also the most attractive, unless you have a thing for gingers. Hodel falls in love with the tutor, Starskihutch. The tutor runs off to Moscow to be a cop or
to participate in the revolution and Hodel runs after him.

Sybil falls in love with the chauffeur, Branson. Branson runs off to Ireland to be a writer or to particpate in the revolution and Sybil runs after him. Branson is alarmingly short, like leprechaun short, and is very Irish Catholic, more Irish Catholic than Jackson Heights in the early 80s.  Starsky is Jewish and more or less regular-sized.

Sybil wins, but just by a nose. (The Anti-Defamation League can kiss my ass, it's a horseracing thing.)


funny downton abbey homely edith versus the Jewish Lucille Ball
Edith vs. Chava

Chava has a thing for White Russians and we're not talking vodka and cream. She does the unthinkable and falls in love with a cossak-loving Christian with a hoe. Dad is Redhead Jew marries WHite Russianrightfully upset and tells her she is dead to him. That's tough love. My dad told me I was dead to him once but then I unexpectantly coughed up the toilet water, kicked him in the nuts and made good my escape.

Edith is homely and bored. She kisses a dairy farmer and tries to marry a rich guy named Anthony with a dodgey arm that is all talk and no trousers. There were a thousand hints that Tony One Arm was a pansy but I chose to ignore them because I don't like to be judgemental.   Upon further reflection, we know Tony's gay because Thomas the Bumsucker, a gay man with the single worse gaydar of any gay man ever in the history of gaydom, never hit on him.

Edith's abhorrent behavior has resulted in a significant amount of sighs, hurumphs, and mutterings.  That doesn't sound biblical but if you're rich and you're British, that's the equivalent of spitting on your daughter and dancing on her metaphysical grave.

Edith wins big, big enough to call the match a tie.

Both fathers have shite for daughters and Downton Abbey is Fiddler on the Roof without the Jews. Can Matthew Broderick do a convincing English accent?

The End.