Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Maybe, and Warren Ellis

Isn't Maddie cute when she's mad?

Two plugs today. And curling. Lots of women's curling! This humble blog got over 2100 visitors yesterday (Editor's note: A normal day would be about 15 visitors). They came for one reason, the smoking hot babes of olympic curling, then they left immediately when they saw what this blog was really like.

The new US embassy to the Court of St James’s has been designed, says the US State Department, to "reflect the values of the American people"

That's a photo of the proposed American Embassy in London. This is a reminder why it is always worth visiting That was plug Number 1.

Now a reminder that you should never get your hopes up. The 'guy that knows the guy' got me the nude photo of the sexiest American athlete to ever curl my toes with a broom. Yes, its hot Nicole Joraanstad nude!

I didn't even have to photoshop a curling stone on it. How do we know that's Nicole Joraanstad? Damned if I know. The guy at seems to have spent a lot of time and effort identifying dozens of curlers in various stages of undress. He even has a couple of photos of Madeleine Dupont that I have seen nowhere else. That's plug Number 2.

I have never seen Nicole Joraanstad's back without a uniform on it but in interviews she claims to have a curling tattoo in the middle of it. For those of you that are not big curling fans, Nicole Joraanstad's front looks like this.

I have also never seen Nicole curl a stone but that's not from lack of trying. NBC won't show her because she is US Team's Number 2 and all her best work gets edited out of the telecast.

Moral of this story? Always check out the back of the calendar where they show you the little thumbnails of each month's photos BEFORE you buy it. Don't get me wrong. It's a great back with beautiful skin and inviting curves but could we have Nicole looking over her shoulder with smoldering eyes, please?

I turned on the olympics last night, flipped from NBC to CNBC to MSNBC, looking for my Team Denmark the Official Home of the Hot Dupont Sisters, and found nothing. A night of the olympics without Danish women's curling is a night without me. I got up off the couch and sat down at the computer.

Here's a photo of Denise and Maddie Dupont discussing the benefits of peeling versus setting a corner guard.

Other posts about women's curling:

Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics - Women's Curling, USA vs. Denmark

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not! Where's My Curling NBC!?!

I was planning a very special evening. I had cold Tuborgs in the fridge, open-faced, liverwurst sandwiches on chewy rye bread and a nice hunk of havarti on the coffee table, a near Smörgåsbord or kolde bord as my new Danish girlfriends would call it.

I'm sitting on my couch, my broom in one hand, my remote in the other and...

figure dancing and hockey!

Where's the women's curling NBC!?! Where's the UK vs. my scrappy Team Denmark? Where's the Brit's hot skip, Eve Muirhead? Where are my Dupont sisters?

I opened a Turborg and told myself to calm down. Women of this quality are often late. They have pressing demands and NBC never shows anything live.

At 8:00, I flipped from NBC to CNBC to MSNBC. No Madeleine Dupont, no Denise, no nothing. I finally find something in these crap olympics that I like and NBC doesn't bother to show me a second of it. The liverwurst was slowly going crusty and dark, the harvarti was getting shiny and warm, and I was left with nothing but the Tuborgs.

Men's curling? Whothefuck watches men's curling? Women? I don't think so. The only curling these guys are doing off the ice are the 12 ounce variety. Are millions tuning in to see the actual gameplay and strategy? (Editor's note: That's a joke. There is no action in curling.) The only people on the planet Earth that watch men's curling are the team's parents.

Hot girl-on-girl curling action found only in women's curling is what we want to see. The key NBC, is the "wo" part.

No post about women's curling can be complete without mentioning America's own sexy Nicole Joraanstad (Editor's note: I can finally spell her last name without looking it up!).

And just a reminder that the appeal of these gorgeous women is that they are not models. They are athletes that care about more than blow and shoes. Here's Nicole Joraanstad with a trophy so impressively big, I feel compelled to put my own broom away in shame.

A Head's Up
Turns out that I work with a guy, that knows a guy with a brother-in-law, that spent a night at Rikers with a guy, that knows a guy that went to UofW, Madison with Nicole, and I think I may just have an exclusive real soon!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

When I first saw this image I said, "Vad har en 50-öring med en naken Madeleine Dupont att göra?!" Maddy! Say it ain't so! It couldn't be my sweet, innocent Madeleine Dupont, half of the hot, Dupont sisters of Team Denmark. You remember them. They turned me against my own country -- when they gave me all those come-hither looks over the big, rock in their hands.

All of you laughed when I told you that watching curling was a major turn on. Now the world has taken my advice and jumped on the Danish pastry cart.

So, is that really Madeleine (or maybe Denise) Dupont showing us a bit of her corner guard? Or is it a photoshopped pornoqueen?

Hurray! It is Madeleine Dupont, showing off her sweet, Danish treats to raise money for her curling team. To see what I've hidden under the curling stone, just google "madeleine dupont kalendar." Trust me, she's more delicious than a prune danish.

This got me thinking... if McDonalds, and Coke, and Budweiser, and AT&T, and the list goes on forever, didn't sponsor the U.S. Olympic Team, would our athletes have to pose nude to afford uniforms, and gloves, and other stuff?

More importantly, would I be able to buy a calendar with Nicole Joraanstad posing in nothing but a broom? Damn you, McDonalds!

Nicole Joraanstad could melt the ice in Antarctica. Look how cute she looks wearing culottes and shoes she stole from a pilgrim. Do you think it's an accident that the edge of that monitor is lodged snuggly in between her ass cheeks? It is not!

Quick Note - I must be smitten. I actually looked up the schedule for Team Denmark and their next match is today against the UK at 2 PM. My brother says that the English skip is 19 and easy on the eyes. NBC better not screw this up!

Other posts about women's curling:
Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Really.
Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics - Women's Curling, USA vs. Denmark

Friday, February 19, 2010

My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics, Vancouver 2010: Women's Curling - USA vs. Denmark

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Watching sports from my point of view is always a challenge. Female athletes tend to wear clothes that help them win and they usually move around a lot. Rarely are they splayed out on satin sheets dressed in Vicky's finest. Just the other night, I began fantasizing about an incredibly cute figure skater only to find out that she was twelve, 3 foot 8, and a boy.

Let's get one thing straight, the women of women's curling are women. They might not prepare for a match with long hours in a gym toning and shaping their bodies, but they definitely wear more makeup than a male figure skater.

And they have curves. These chicks are "off the broom!"

And because the actual sport provides no action whatsoever, there are a lot of close ups. I like close ups and I like these curling women. They tend to have serious triceps and significant junk in the trunk and that is alright by me. I've always been attracted to big sloppy women, I'll take Mariah Carey over Calista Flockhart every time.

So, with the knowledge that these woman are more likely to shop at Lane Bryant than the Junior Miss section at Sears, let the drooling begin.

That's Allison of the US team. I'd like to get my rocks off in her house! (Editor's note: That's funny because it contains two examples of curling jargon, rocks and house.) Unfortunately, Allison is what Garrison Keillor would call a chatterbox. The girl never shuts up. How many times can you say, "Yah, good play, yabetcha!" during a single curling match? Oh, about 57,000 times. She has a midwest accent that's thicker than cream on a cow (Editor's note: I stole that pearl from the Prairie Home Companion). That's when I noticed that the entire US team talked like the pregnant sheriff in Fargo. If it was Iron Chef, the producers would be forced to use subtitles. It's kind of annoying, actually.

Now, I understand why their husbands are all happily at home, back in Minnesota, painting wooden ducks while their wives are out peeling stones at the local rink. Sure these women are smoking, corn-fed hot and can curl your toes six ways on Sundays (Editor's note: I don't have a clue where that came from. All this pastoral goodness must be getting to me). Yah, and that sweeping skill must sure come in handy if you own a porch, which I am sure they all do, but how about a little more sliding and a little less yakking?

Before we move on to the Danes, let's reflect on this photo of US Team Number 2 Nicole Joraanstad. Are we done reflecting and have we cleaned off the keyboard? Regrettably for me, NBC never showed her during the telecast. She pushes her stones second so NBC cut all her best scenes out. Bad NBC!

I'm as American as a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial but I found myself pulling for Team Denmark. As far as I could tell they were the underdogs, didn't have a clue where to put their rocks (Editor's note: The announcers, two old sounding Fargo guys never agreed with their strategy and those guys seemed to know what they were talking about), and then they always "peeled it off the broom" which I think is a bad thing.

And Team Denmark had the Dupont sisters.

Denise and Madeleine Dupont look like the kind of girls you might find in a bus station in LA that want to be actresses and are willing to work really hard to make their dreams come true. That's a good look.

They also speak english like an American in a Chevy commercial. I wouldn't need an interpreter or subtitles. Yeah, okay, I'll say it. They're so hot I'm surprised the ice didn't melt! Yeah, I feel cheap and tawdry. It's a good feeling!

This is the part of the post we have all been dreading, the curling sexual euphemism part. You know, where I go:

I wish those sisters would pebble the stones... between my legs! or
I dropped my hammer on Denise's button and split 'em nicely! or
I sent a spinner to Maddie's tee line, went for the in-turn, and got the steal before she set her guard! or
How'd you like Denise's back house weight... in your face? or maybe
Maddie can come-around my corner guard... anyday!

Hmm, that's my entire load. I think we both were expecting more.


NBC is even more American than a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial. When I went looking for photos of the Curling Cuties I started at, the official 800 billion dollar website of the Vancouver 2010 games. These are the only photos of the Dupont sisters on the site. I guess they should consider themselves lucky that NBC bothered to scan their passport photos.

Go Denmark!

Other posts about women's curling:

Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Really.
Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing

Other posts by my dick:

My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Thick, Blue, Ragged, Blue Lines of Skiing

I hate these olympics. I really hate them. When I was a kid, I loved the olympics. I've tried to watch them, honest, I really have. Every night I flip over to NBC 8 or 10 times, give them a couple of minutes to interest me -- and they always fail. I'm not sure if it's the television coverage or the actual sports or both.

Take the blue lines, please. Take them away and give me back my white snow. Those blue lines are flat-out, butt ugly. They look like:

1. Every Porta-John on Whistler Mountain has leaked
2. The Tidy-Bowl Man is trying to draw a football field in the snow in a pathetic attempt to turn the olympics into a real sport.
3. A Giant Smurf has pissed all over British Columbia.

I know its for safety reasons, depth of field and speeds up to 70 MPH (I try not to listen to Bob Costasworth but the stuff leaks in). What was wrong with the nice pine branches they've been using for 100's of years? They're all wintery and Christmasy, and don't remind me of stuff from a toilet.

In the old days, Franz Klammer did not need Blue Dye #4 to nearly break his neck racing down a mountain. He did just fine with pine needles and a shot of Jag.

Iconic. Beautiful. And a week or two later? Cheryl Tiegs wearing nothing but net!

I've got 1,000 other reasons why I hate the olympics but I'm planning on dragging them out over a series of whiny, nit-picking posts so stay tuned "because when we get back, our own Suzie Creamcheese will have an interview with the massive blonde American that won the gold medal in the downhill while we totally ignore the cute, brunette, underdog American that brought home the silver because it was not in the script."

Talk about the agony of defeat, torn ACL, broken ribs and a mouth full of mysterious blue crystals.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

More Wall Street Journal Humor - Diversity in the Workplace

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

It's a rabbit! It's funny because the rabbit is wearing a suit and thinks it's people. Wait, this is the Wall Street Journal, it must be deeper than that. Is it saying that corporate America is so greedy they would hire rodents, pay them in lettuce and then eat them in a classic Sauce Chasseur? Nah, it's the same tired bit that children's television shows have been doing since Captain Kangaroo.

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

And today's winner so far is:

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch. Note: There are a bunch of these cartoon rips so just scroll on down.

Monday, February 8, 2010

My Super Bowl Hangover

For me, watching Super Bowl IVMMCLVCMXXX, was like watching Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh mudwrestling. There's nobody to cheer for. You end up sitting there and hoping they both choke to death on slop.

The teams and their stars both stink.

Team: Indiannapolis Colts
The Indiannapolis Colts snuck out of Baltimore in the middle of the night and then kept their name and their right to conjur up the image of Johnny U. All their faithful fans back in Baltimore could go to hell.

Star: Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning is a douche bag. Could the guy say no to one frickin' sponsor? Can he say, "I'd like to endorse your hemroid suppositories but why not ask Joseph Addai?"

And watching Brother Eli celebrate after every touchdown is sickening. How come we didn't get to watch Eli and the hot blonde crying after the game? My friend SleehRat calls them Goober and Gomer and I wish I had thunk it.

Team: New Orleans Saints
The Saints may be worse. The owner Tom Benson hates New Orleans. He tried to use the horror of Hurricane Katrina as an excuse to move the Saints to his hometown of San Antonio. The NFL had to use bribes and threats to get him to go back to New Orleans.

Star: Drew Brees
Drew Brees is a selfish, Scrooge-like prick. He sees no reason for current players to assist in setting up a system to help out former players. Former players that helped create the incredibly successful league that they all cash in on now. Former players that are now suffering from bad knees, bad health and brain injuries.

Drew Brees should suffer a career ending blow to his head, loose his (hopefully) un-guaranteed millions in salary and endorsements, get turned down by the disability board, have his model/wife leave him for greener pastures and then bad-mouth disabled, former players that had to work second jobs during careers that lasted less than 10 years.

No wonder I drank too much. Good game. though.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor - Dying Polar Bears

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. I have been studying this crappy cartoon for months:
No Child Left Behind
Dog Day Afternoon
Health Care is So Funny
My Weekly Foray into Highbrow Hijinks
Bitter Drinkers
"How to" Books for Those Less Intelligent than Most
Humor is a Bitch

And it has never been funny, not even a little... until yesterday. Yesterday's Wall Street Journal cartoon was dark, sick and funny. I'm thinking that the regular OpEd editor was out of the office and someone from the mailroom approved it.

If you watched the heart wrenching Planet Earth episode where the starving polar bear has to swim for weeks because global warming has melted all the ice in the artic, and if you cried like I did, when the polar bear finally finds land, is surrounded by 85,000 delicious-looking walruses but is too weak to catch one -- so he dies. Then this cartoon is going to make you laugh.

It's funny, right-wing, and exemplifies Rupert Murdoch's capitalistic philosophy. And it is drawn pretty good, the bears look like bears and the ice looks like ice. Normally, the drawings stink.

So, I'm going to do it different this time. Usually I write funnier captions but today I'm going to write the lame captions that should have been on the cartoon.

And now, for the first time ever in the history of Australian journalism, a funny Wall Street Journal cartoon!!!


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mi Nana y Salma Hayek

Apparently, this image needs an explanation. I got a little too cute during my 36 Hours in Mexico City bit.

A reader named DanielBig69, while fiercely proud of his Mexican heritage, is extremely ignorant when it comes to art history. So me, a skinny white boy from New York, is gonna school Big Dan on some art history hecho en Mexico -- even though he claims to be big and mean and violent, and has threatened to shove my own sister up my own cowpiehole (not his words). I have no sister and a very tight cowpiehole so I'm not shaking in my zarape.

Let's start off with the obvious, I like Frida Kahlo. She was very attractive. I totally dig her art. And her bisexuality? Yum! She's on the left, Salma Hayek with a 5:00 shadow pretending to be her is on the right. Yum and yum.

Quick note: If I was Frida Kahlo's agent, I'd have given her some good advice.

Painter Frida: How come my paintings aren't selling better?

Agent Bob: The paintings are super, babe, but let's loose the eyebrow. Take a razor or wax or a tweezer and let's clear a half inch path right there. And then get those 47 self portraits and some Benjamin Moore Cappacino Cream and daub a bit of paint on everyone of those beautiful faces right where your nose meets your forehead. We're talking serious dinero. I'll sell everyone of 'em tomorrow.

Painter Frida: Okay, Hasta manana.

Agent Bob: One more thing, Sweet Cheeks. Put the e back in your name. Frida? What is that? You're asking for a million typos.

Here's the original Frido Kahlo painting called Mi Nana y Yo:

I don't know art but I know what I like. And I like that Frida has painted herself drinking from the tree of life and the tree is a big, brown boob. Yes, the other tree is leaking. Calm down, Big Dan. Paul Gauguin wished he painted this tableau.

So I took a photo of Salma Hayek looking for all the world like a Fertility Goddess.

And a photo of Salma Hayek in a pose that is as close to a baby sucking on a teat as I could find.

Added one eyebrow.
Now remembering that Salma Hayek portrayed Frida Kahlo is a big Hollywood movie, Tah dah! My Mi Nana y Salma Hayek.

Was I trying too hard? Sí. Do I deserve to be sodomized by a Big Dan? Hey Dan, how about you don't laugh and never come back and we call it even?