Thursday, December 3, 2009

On Language: Douche Bag, Encouraging its Proper Use

It's Thursday which means it's time for another fun edition of On Language.

Douchebag when used properly is a great word. There's a guy at work that has mastered its use. It's often funny and always paints an exacting picture of the targeted person. I do not use douche bag enough in polite conversation. I tend to use an asshole when a douche bag is more appropriate.

This got me thinking about what a douche bag really is. I know what a douche is, I have a TV and a mom, but what is a douche bag?From Wikipedia, A douche bag is a piece of equipment for douching—a bag for holding the fluid used in douching. In case you do not have a mother or a television, a douche is a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons. Prepackaged douches look like little water bottles with fancy spouts. I prefer Summer's Eve. It has just the right balance of sweet and tart with a nice citrus finish.

The Wiki boys don't stop at the Webster line, Douching has been touted as having a number of supposed but unproven benefits. In addition to promising to clean the vagina of unwanted odors, it can also be used by women who wish to avoid smearing a sexual partner's penis with menstrual blood while having intercourse during menstruation.

Hey, I'm from New York. I enjoy a nice schmear on my bagel, my penis, just about anywhere, smear away, baby!

That douche bag up there holds a gallon of douche. No matter the time of the month, I'm not sure I want to go anywhere near a vagina that needs a gallon of fluid to feel fresh and clean. Hygiene-wise its clear, front door gets a douche, backdoor gets an enema and the side door gets you right on the driveway.

But what about the slang meaning? While the French have been douching since 47 B.C. and gynecological handbooks started using the term douche bag around 1907, Dr. Bill Long traced the use of douche-bag (sic) as a derogatory term back to 1967, douche-bag - an unattractive co-ed. Interesting that a device use to clean out female gentalia was used to describe females. By 1970, it morphed into its contemporary usage and is almost always used to describe males. Interesting that a device inserted into female gentalia is used to describe males.

Here's my favorite definition courtesy of Wikipedia: Douche bag, a person with a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

The most famous douche bags according to the Urban Dictionary are:
Kevin Federline
Macaulay Culkin
Leonardo DiCaprio
Chris Klein
The Gallaghers from Oasis
and P. Diddy.

I can't argue with that list because I do not know any of those guys. Thousands of websites claim that that you can tell a douche bag by just looking, this I can argue with.

I'll use my boss as an example.

Let's start off with a picture of my coffee mug and the following words, I love my boss (wink). So, while it is true that I hate my job with a passion worthy of Mel Gibson, and it is true that my job is mind-numbingly boring, unfathomly useless and demeaning in ways that only a piss bucket boy from the 1700's would understand, it does pay the bills and I love my boss (wink).

You saw the wink, right?

Lets look at my boss. There he is at a retirement party for that retired guy from Management and Budget. Sure he looks like a tool but he doesn't look like the Urban Dictionary description of a douche bag.

Wide open collar that exposes his manly chest? No. Dickish wannabe hairdo with too much product? No. Really hot babe that we all want to f by his side? Not likely.

Is he a person with a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent. Hellyes! Arrogance and irritating without malicious intent? That my friends is my boss the douche bag.


  1. William Safire said...

    How dare you use "On Language" without express written permission from ME!!!

    BTW, perusing a few outdated lexicons is not enough to write an "On Language" article. This post sucked the big one.

    With respect to douches (from the French for shower):

    I'd rather be the doucher than the douchee.

    Actually, I'd rather not have anything to do with a douche of any kind.

    With respect to TIger Woods:

    Looks like someday he'll be down here hacking with the bad boys. I can't wait. We need to replace Jerry Falwell in the worst way.

    A bit of advice my friend, you should go hit on that hot wife of his now while she's still bouncing on the rim!


  2. Bill,

    You kidding me? Did you copywrite "On Language?" That is so lame. I guess I'm gonna get an e-mail from the estate lawyer.

    Burn in hell, Old Man!!! 2L8


    btw if you think I have a shot at that delectable swedish fish you are more than dead, my friend, you're delusional.