Friday, December 11, 2009

Chanukkah Chilarity

A True Story

I wasn't planning on doing a Hanukkah bit because its all been done and most of it more than 5,000 years ago. But then Steve, the guy in the cubicle next to me, said the funniest damn thing ever and I figured I would share.

Steve, Kat and I were discussing the holidays over coffee. Kat was singing some lame Hanukkah song that her kid learned in school. We all decided that the best Hanukkah song is Adam Sandler's song about Jews that are so gentile looking (i.e., attractive) that they can't possibly be Jewish. Steve found it on youtube, funny Jew -- had to happen eventually.

Then Steve said, "What about the Ladle Song? That's pretty good and really famous."

Did I mention that Steve and Kat are Catholic? Me being the half-Jew asked, "Ladle Song? How does it go?"

Steve proudly sang, "Ladle! Ladle! Ladle! I made it out of clay!"

After I wet them, I asked, "Why the hell would we sing about an effing ladle?"

"Cause you spin it around or something."

It troubles me that Steve would think that tonight, all over the world, Jews are gathering together to spin a ladle. But you know what? I didn't correct him because (1) the son-of-a-bitch grew up in the Bronx and should know better and (2) it's so frickin' funny that other Jews he runs into during his life should get a little joy from Steve's ideas about their holiday.

Spinning a ladle is not that much stranger than spinning a dreidel. That's a dreidel down there.

Steve's photos can be found at

I'm working on a game involving spinning a ladle for next Hanukkah. I think its going to be like Spin the Bottle only Jewisher.

End Note

During my research for this post I came across this disturbing page on Wikipedia:

Its a list of Jews. And they have us categorized by type. It's hard to see but some of the types are:

Real Jew
Easily Bruised Jew
Jew Lawyers
Kind of Handsome for a Jew
Pretty Nice Guy for a Jew
Some of my Best Friends that are Jews
Jew that Occasionally Buys a Round
Italian Women that are so Jewish they might as well be Jews
The Jew at the Club

Additional types on Wikipedia's List of Jews submitted by my readers*

Blonde Jews
Blind Jews
Deaf Jews
Dumb Jews
Deaf, Dumb and Blind Jews
Deaf, Dumb and Blind Jews that Sure Play a Mean Pinball
Jews for Jesus
Jews Not for Jesus
Non-Religious Jews
Jewish Jews
Jew-ish Jews
Un-Jewish Jews
Jews You Know
Jews You Don't Know
Jews Who Eat Armour Hot Dogs
Jews that Only Eat Hebrew National
Jews Who've Been In Space
Jews Who've Helped Gentiles Get In Space Using their Mathematical Jewish Brains
Jewish Women With Sexy Voices
Jewish Women Who Perform Oral
Jews Who Make Lists
Jews Who End Up on Lists
Half-Jews that Make Lists of the Types of Jews on Wikipedia's List of Jews

*That reader would be my brother, Dave Melonosky


  1. Bob,

    I'm going to miss Hanukkah, it was my favorite holiday. The candles on the menorah were so pretty when we dimmed the lights in the room.

    Now flames render my flesh charred and lap at the remnants of my soul. It's really not as nice.


  2. Bob,

    I thought of the greatest Hanukkah song ever. I wrote it with my childhood friend Butchie Goldberg.

    I have a little penis
    I take it out and play
    And when its hard and ready
    With my penis I will play

    Oh, penis, penis, penis
    I took it out to play,
    Oh, penis, penis penis
    With my penis I'll schtupp those hot Mandelbrott sisters!

    Goldberg ended up copywriting it and has made a small pile of gelt over the years. I got nothing. Not even a Mandelbrott sister.


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  4. nipe45,

    You super-Jew nazis piss me off. Go back to your Talmud class and search the ancient text for a sense of humor.

    Thanks for the comment!


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  6. dolonpl,

    By including a link to an independent film project site on a post about Chanukkah, are you implying that the Jews control the world's media?

    You anti-semitic scumbags piss me off. GO back to molesting altar boys and let my people go.

    Thanks for the comment.


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