Friday, December 9, 2011

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 1

I found these in a box in my mom's attic. Before this blog, before National Lampoon, before Uncle Melon -- I used to be a real writer.

a book bob melonosky wrote about space guys kicking assStarfleet Commanders Kick Ass, c. 1984 - This sold well but then I had to give all the money to Gene Roddenberry's estate.

a book written by Bob Melonosky about the golden age when he played golf with his grandpaGolf With Grandpa, 1991 -- The New York Times Book Review said, and I quote, "There's A River Runs Through It, Tuesdays with Morrie, and then there's this piece of..." Pretty high praise for yours truly. I didn't have to give any of the money back. It's still in an old pair of jeans.

a book written by Bob Melonosky about a rocket ship and a penisMy Penis Your Destination, 1992 - Arnold Schwartznegger was going to option it but then he didn't.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Alabama's Own Statue of Liberty

alabama statue of liberty immigration policyAlabama has its own Statue of Liberty. It's in Birmingham. Not a gift from France but from the founder of the Liberty National Life Insurance Company -- which makes it better than the Yankee one. It's also better because it's smaller. You can take dramatic photos of it being dwarfed by the American flag. You can not do this with the Yankee statue unless you built a flagpole that was a mile long and took a photo from a helicopter.

Secret Agent Maxwell Smart, upon seeing the Birmingham statue said, "That's the second biggest Statue of Libery I've ever seen." And he was right.

Sadly, the Tea Party held a good old fashioned Statue Toppling and Book Burning yesterday.

toppling the statue of liberty, tea party fun, great ideas for your next tea partyThe Daughters of the Confederacy provided refreshments. Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann, the candidate with the highest rating with respect to immigration (NumbersUSA gave her an Excellent for "Oppose Amnesty" and a full KKK rating for "Hatred/Racist") was in attendance. Though she was busy firing an automatic weapon into the air, she was kind enough to give us a quote, "About darn time, I don't know who I hate more the Mexicans, the French or them New York, edumacated women that think they're better than me."

Here's the inscription from Alabama's Statue of Liberty.

alabama's atatue of bigotry says

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Is Chris Christie Too Fat to be President?

The pundits at Fox News are claiming that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is too fat to be President of the United States.

Can a really fat guy be President of the United States? I dunno, let's ask former President William Howard Taft...

funny william howard taft fat moustache rides

Oh wait, he's too busy enjoying his retirement.

What' so terrible about a really fat guy being president? Bill O'Reilly says that Governor Christie is weak and lacking in discipline.

new jersey governor Chris Christie too fat to be PresidentGovernor Christie disagreed... until I offered him an Oreo cookie -- then he agreed to agree. For two Oreo cookies he fixed a couple of parking tickets and gave me a free helicopter ride. For a Mallomar, he said I could have his wife, Snooki and Joe Piscopo for a few hours while he ate dinner. Sadly, I did not have a Mallomar.

fat stupid and from Jersey is no way to go through life son, Chris Christie too fat to be presidentFat and skinny had a race
Fat fell down and broke his face
Skinny basically reneged on every campaign promise and has turned out to be either the biggest, ineffectual pussy since Jimmy Carter or more conservative than Hillary Clinton and I can't believe all the time I wasted working for that lying skinny-ass douchebag.

In conclusion, is Chris Christie too fat to be president? No, but he is too much of a rightwing nutjob elitist scumbag that has fucked over every decent person in New Jersey that isn't a fucking multi-millionaire. And he still has two more years...


Make that 4 more years.  Chris Christie is the new George W. Bush.  He effortlessly fakes that he is a regular guy when he is the farthest thing from it.  He is an elitist scumbag but he is very, very charming on camera. 

Be frightened people.  All he needs is a Karl Rove and he will fuck us all over with a smirk and another slice of pie.

Friday, September 30, 2011

My Dick Discusses The Debt

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Saturday night I tried to see Moneyball but it was sold out so I went to see The Debt. This made my dick very happy. While my dick likes Brad Pitt, it turns out that it really, really likes the redhead in The Debt, Jessica Chastain. Not only is she gorgeous and sexy and skilled in the martial arts-- she also kills Nazis which was a huge, unexpected turn on.

I wanted to be the guy that impregnates her then lies in bed with her naked for nine months feeding her my homemade rugulach (which is really easy to make in a food processor but really impresses hot Jewish chicks).

This movie takes place in Berlin in 1966 and Israeli in 1999. Young Rachel is played by Jessica the smoking hot redhead of my dreams. Old Rachel is played by Helen Mirren. This was easily understood. There was only one female Jew in Berlin in 1966 and she had a large, hideous scar on her right cheek. When Helen Mirren shows up with a large, hideous scar on her right cheek, my dick had no problem figuring out who she was. Unfortunately, my dick is not the smartest organ in my body despite the fact that I have often been been accused of thinking with it.

In 1966, there are two male Jews that want to capture a Nazi and bang the hot redhead of my dreams. One is a square-faced, pale-skinned, Irish looking Jew and the other guy is a long, thin-faced, swarthy looking Jew with thick black hair. Both handsome, both Jewish, but they couldn't look less alike. Polar opposites.

In 1999, there are two old male Jews that are interacting with Old Rachel. One is square-faced, pale-skinned and Irish looking and the other is... just guess, I'm not typing all that out again.

Except that they switched. Somehow, thirty years later the Irish guy went swarthy and the swarthy guy went pale. What the fuck!?!

Worst casting ever!!! Why would you painstakingly recreate Cold War Berlin then cast the exact wrong actors in the corresponding roles!?!

I thought that the loss of blood from my brain during all the gynecological scenes may have left me confused so I asked the guy next to me. He was just as befuddled. IMDB confirmed it.

Stupid movie. However, the next time I go to the Carnegie Deli I'm ordering a Rachel sandwich, hold the meat. I'll supply the pastrami, dankeschön.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Cut Off by a Lover of Jesus

Warning! The following post is a rant. It contains lots of f-words and is not funny.

This morning I was cut-off by an asshole with a Jesus fish on his car. I'm not talking about a slight, sorry but I didn't see you cut-off. I'm talking about a narrowly escaped a five car pileup I had to slam on my brakes so hard that now I'm going to have to replace them six months earlier kind of cut off.

Where the fuck does a good Christian have to go so badly at 5:40 AM that he's willing to risk my life?

Because if Jesus was driving that fucking Toyota minivan on the New York State Thruway at 5 fucking 40 in the morning, I think he may have used his left hand turn signal and waited for an appropriate time to change lanes-- regardless of his urgency. But what do I know? I'm not a fucking Born Again Christian.

Just in case I missed the subtle Jesus Fish, Mr. Turn the Other Cheek While I Ram my Toyota Sienna Up Your Ass had a hot pink bumper sticker proclaiming his love for Jesus for all the world to see. Thanks a lot Dickhead! Now, I know who to hate.

I'm glad you love Jesus. You know what I love? I love masturbating.

i love masturbating

But I don't slap a fucking bumper sticker on the back of my car so I can feel better than you.

Look, God knows that I rarely honored my mother and father, I often covet my neighbor's wife and I love to take the Lord's name in vain -- but you know what I don't do? I don't risk another person's life because I'm late for fucking church.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman

That's me and my first wife Sarah Silverman entertaining the neighbors and their kids.

I like to think that in an alternate universe I'm married to Sarah Silverman...

...and it's 1967.
...and she likes to pee on me.
...and we're thinking about swinging with the neighbor sitting all the way on the left.
...and in two years I'm going to buy season tickets at Shea Stadium.

Strangely, I look about as happy in my alternate universe as I do in my real universe...

...and my hair looks worse.

I stole this photo from Retropace. Go visit, there's lots of great stuff!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

More Yankee Hate

jesus christ montero can hitJohn Sterling the despicable, unlistenable, makes Phil Rizutto sound like Vince Scully-able, radio announcer for the Yankees makes these personalized homerun calls that suck.

Some examples:

Nick Swisher - He's swishilicious (kid you not)
Curtis Granderson - The Grandy Man can! THE Grandy Man can!

and the alltime worse...

Jason Giambi - The Giambino! This is proof that 1.) there is no God (because if there was, He would allow Babe Ruth to rise from his grave and rip John Sterling into a hundred little pieces) and that 2.) all Yankee fans are idiots.

So, the Yankees have this new guy whose even better than Joba Chamberlain (remember him?) and almost as fat, Jesus Montero.

Sterling needs to come up with a personalized home run call because the guy is going to hit 61 homeruns in September.

john sterling sucks steinbrenner dickI sent Sterling a tweet and suggested:

"It is high, it is far, it is gone. Another homerun for Jesus! Christ, that sonofabitch can hit!"

He went with:

"Hey Zeus, is loose."

The Yankees suck on so many levels.

I've been a Yankee hater ever since they dissed Hank Greenberg. Here's some proof:
What Does Andy Pettitte Do Behind His Glove?
The George Steinbrenner Plaque is SO BIG...
Derek Cheater! So help me, Jeter
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - A Tampa Bellhop Remembers The Boss
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - It Happened in an Elevator
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Derek Jeter, Gulf Coast League Rookie
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin and a Cow
George Steinbrenner - May You Burn in Hell...
A-Rod the Centaur Part 2
Alex Rodriguez the Centaur
Derek Jesus Christ for MVP
Yankee Memorabilia for Sale
Our Baseball God is an Ironic God: Joba the Slut Pitches on Mother's Day

There's more but my mouse hand got tired.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

CGI My Wife, Please

Peter Jackson has Golem. James Cameron has his beloved Avatars. And now, Judd Apatow has his wife, Leslie Mann.

judd apatow wife funny cgi nude boobs tits

I just found out that Judd Apatow is filming a bunch of nude scenes with his wife -- only her naughty bits are all going to be CGI.

Makes for a funny Judd Apatow scene.

Judd Apatow looks over the shoulder of the CGI guy.

"Can you make them a little bigger... bigger... bigger... good.

Now the nipples, erect, more erect, more, now put those little bumps on them, more, more, more. What the heck? Let's put a pair of puffies on those bad girls.

Wow, sorry. You got a roll of paper towels?"

judd apatow wife funny cgi nude boobs tits

Wait, we can be funnier.

Judd Apatow looks over the CGI guy's shoulder.

"What have you got for me, Bobby?

Hmmm, can you deflate them both about 40%? No, give them some sag, make 'em really deflated. Good. Now, make the right nipple bigger and the left one shouldn't be so round. It looks more like a gorilla's nose,with dimples and kind of wrinkled. Give it a few coarse, black hairs. Excellent.

How about some freckles and a rash in the cleavage. Nice. Make the rash redder, redder, redder. Okay, almost there. Can we do sweat? Good. Put some sweat glistening underneath."


"Now, does this thing have a nag button?"

Monday, August 8, 2011

Rise of the Beneath of the Planet of the Apes Part Two

Caesar from Planet of the ApesCaesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes!!! You know, if I was a scientist like James Franco, and I was the stepfather of a super-intelligent ape, I would name him Gandhi.

It wouldn't make for much of a movie.

Frieda Pinto: "Hey Jim, what's Gandhi doing today?"
Me: "Oh, he's downtown sitting in the square not eating, again."
Frieda Pinto: "Great. If you're not busy this afternoon how about we have lots of great sex."
Me: "Okay."

Gandhi ChimpActually, my movie is sounding better and better.

Photoshop Notes (Just in case Hilary wants to use my ape photo) - Those are Gandhi's actual glasses stolen from wikipedia and cleaned up a little. And that's a baby bonobo. In the original Planet of the Apes, the gorillas were the army guys, the orangutangs were the Weasleys, the chimps were the scientists, and the bonobos were the hedge fund managers. For a free UncleMelon t-shirt, what were the gibbons?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

More Wall Street Journal Humor - St. Patrick's Day, Leprechaums, But No Irish Jokes Please

This is a repeat from March 17, 2010. I've got deadlines people.

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

It's St. Patrick's Day! Every morning DJ, every local TV anchor, every a-hole at work is dusting off the Irish jokes and getting a laugh -- except the Wall Street Journal. You have to work really, really hard not to be funny with a setup involving two leprechauns and a gigantic mushroom, on St. Patrick's Day. We can never accuse the Wall Street Journal of not working hard.

Am I the only person that expects Fred and Wilma Leprehaun to walk out of that mushroom house? And do leprechauns live in mushrooms or do they just sit on them?

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

And today's winner so far is:

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch. Note: There are a bunch of these cartoon rips so just scroll on down.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My Charlie Sheen Jesus Bit Stolen!!!

This guy stole my Charlie Sheen Jesus bit!!!

Not just the image, which would be hard to bitch about since I "borrowed" the original photo, but the entire bit. The words, the words I thought up.

Of all the thousands of bits I've written, this shitty bit gets stolen.

Jesus, and I'm talking to all 5 of You, please make this guy's liver rot. Thanks in advance.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Charlie Sheen is Bigger than Jesus

Charlie Sheen Jesus,Charlie Sheen twitter,charlie sheen bigger than Jesus
On Wednesday, Charlie Sheen joined twitter. One day later he has one million followers. Those are Jesus Christ numbers! If he keeps acting psychotic and hate-filled on camera, in a year he'll have 365 million followers (I used to be good at math in school). You know that the old white men in the Vatican are shaking in their boots or slippers or Nikes or whatever they wear.

According to Google, there are five Jesus Christs with twitter accounts. This is an amazingly small number. Why there are at least six guys at my job that think they are Jesus Christ and one of them is an accountant.

These Jesus Christs have two things is common. First, they are pretty lazy. I would expect at least a tweet a day from Jesus. How hard can it be to quote yourself? Hell, Pat Robertson tweets twenty times a day and he's only God's second cousin on His mother's side. Second, they are all trying very hard to be funny. Jesus is known for a lot of things -- but a sense of humor? Not the funniest guy at the seder table I'm sure.

Let's review the work of all the Jesus Christs in an effort to determine who is the real Jesus amongst them. Let me clarify, there are five Jesus Christs on Twitter in english. God blessed America for a reason. I'm not sifting through all the Jesus Christs on Twitter in Aramaic.

In Reverse Order of Googality

Jesus H. Christ has only 1,904 followers and only eight tweets total from back in April of 2007.
Best Tweet - Solved that Sudoku. In case you were wondering.

Rating - Poser

King of the Jews has 16,881 followers but is following 15,640! Not a good ratio for the Son of God. One of the people He's following is a 15 year old kid from Ireland that only tweets about Taylor Swift.
Best Tweet - Welcoming Ronnie James Dio with open arms, man was that guy surprised to see me.

- Wannabe Jesus

Jesus Christ was propably first because he has the best name, Jesus Underscore Christ. I capitalized the underscore because above all I'm respectful. Unfortunately, He lists his home as Idaho and has only 8,806 followers.

Best Tweet - Jesus needs small indie girls to escort his reincarnation around Spokane.

Rating - Poser, but the next time I'm in Spokane, we gonna hang.

Jesus has 275,336 followers. Not Charlie Sheen numbers but not bad.

Best Tweet - I drive a Dodge Stratus.

Rating - Possible

Most popular according to google, Jesus M. Christ has 191,708 followers and is only following 40. But one of those 40 is Mr. Charlie Sheen.

And he's number 1 on Jesus' speed dial. Did I just hear the entire Vatican Council shudder? Jesus M. Christ is the funniest of all the Jesuses in a Jimmy Kimmel sort of way and seems to be in love with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers. Jesus is supposed to love everyone so maybe I'm just reading something into this.

Best Tweet - The people of Sodom and Gomorrah think Charlie Sheen has been a bit over the top.

Rating - Possible

Being only half-Christian, I can't tell which of the possible Jesuses is the real Jesus. If you're better qualified post a comment or send me an e-mail. All hate mail should be sent here.

Conservatively, if you add the two best Jesuses together, you're only talking a half a day of work for the out-of-work Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen bigger than Jesus? Yes.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Piano Man - The Ballad of Big Ben Roethlisberger

funny big ben roethlisberger piano man

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's a hot chick sitting next to me
Makin' love to her tonic and gin

She says, "Sir, can you stop staring at me
I'm not really sure who you are
But you're sad and you're dumb and don't seem like fun
And I could care less 'bout the cost of your car."

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Make a great play, you're the quarterback
Make a great play tonight
And we'll all forget what a shit you are
Cause you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He slips roofies in their drinks for free
And he's quick with a lie or a solid alibi
When there's someplace you're not supposed to be

He says, "Ben, I believe you've gone too far."
As my fist crushed the nose on her face
"I'll bury her out back cuz you're an NFL star
You better get out of this place"

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Now Paula's a real estate novelist
Who cares if she's somebody's wife
Sheila was with Davy, who served in the Navy
I did her while he protected my life

And the waitress is crying uncontrollably
As my victims all slowly get stoned
My bodyguards have to drag her into a stall
Because I can't fuck a bitch on my own

Make a great play, you're the quarterback
Make a great play tonight
And we'll all forget what a shit you are
Cause you've got us feelin' alright

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows I get to stick one with my dick
For a grand he'll forget about it all in awhile

And her screams, they sound like a B-movie star's
And my cock it smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and pretend they can't hear
And say, "Ben, did you gape that sweet rear?"

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Make a great play, you're the quarterback
Make a great play tonight
And we'll all forget what a shit you are
Cause you've got us feelin' alright

Thursday, January 20, 2011

You Guys Amuse and Frighten Me, and Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock looking all hot and Dominican although she's probably going for mexican because she's from the west coast
This is my Sandra Bullock fantasy so I'm going with the chola look. Feel free to replace it with the southern Republican housewife looking Sandra if that's what inflates your dinghy.

Last night, one of my loyal readers, lost in waves of lust and confusion, typed sandra bullock cock in her ass into google. Google, trying its best to help during a time of need, sent the lonely bastard to my blog where he found no relief and no Sandra Bullock participating in physical acts favored by Tony Curtis and Jimmy the Greek.

sandra bullock keywords used to find meWhat kind of desperation causes a man to type that phrase into a search engine? What was he really hoping to find? America's Sweetheart has done a lot of dumb things in her life but getting filmed with a cock in her ass is not one of them.

But my loyal readers, I always aim to please and I make this promise to you. If I ever find myself and my cock in the unlikely position of entering into an agreement with Sandra Bullock's buttocks, I will borrow a good camera and I will get a photo and I will post it on this blog. I'll frame and light the shot correctly, adjust the aperture to maximize the depth of field and I will make sure Sandra Bullock is looking over her shoulder at me by yelling something appropriate in a hoarse, out of breath voice. Something like, "Sandra Bullock! Look at me you dirty chola, look at my penis boldly going where your poopies normally exit your body!"

sweaty sexy sandra bullockHours later, while Sandra Bullock's sweat mingles with my own, as her heartbeat echos through my six-pack abs, I will listen to Wagner's Ring Cycle, to drown out Ms. Bullock's whispers of gratitute and her endless stories about her precious kid.

More Sandra Bullock Stuff
Here's why google sends me one-handed Sandra fans.

My Dick Reviews the Blind Side
A Quick Note on Sandra Bullock's Buttocks
Sandra Bullock's New Boyfriend

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Last (I Promise) Story I'd Like to See in 2011 - Mel Gibson Rises From the Ashes

Mel Gibson Better than Gefilte Fish

funny mel gibson photo Gibson's List movie poster
Mel Gibson is once again the darling of Hollywood when he releases his loving remake of Schindler's List on the Jewish holiday, Tisha B'av. Immediately nominated for 27 Golden Globes, Gibson's List is filmed entirely in Yiddish. Gibson, portraying the fictional character Oskar Gibson, is lauded for his performance -- including his spot on accent. Mel also plays the smaller, supporting roles of Moe and Curly Howard and Larry Fine.

Mike Greenberg of ESPN Radio's Mike and Mike in the Morning proclaims, "Better even than the second comings of Michael Vick and Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson has cemented his place at my seder table. Abraham? Very, very, good. Moses? All star. Mel Gibson? Greatest human being ever to grace this or any other planet!!!"

rabbi mel gibson saying kiddish
Rabbi Mel Gibson saying the kiddush before going apeshit crazy.

Mel Gibson's resurrection is short lived. Invited to lead the evening service for Rosh Hashanah at the Beverly Hills Reformed Synagogue, Gibson begins frothing at the mouth and speaking in Aramaic. He then pulls from his pocket two scrolls. The first scroll contains a list of all the Jews in Australia. The second, much bigger scroll, contains a list of all the Jews in Hollywood. All the Jews are identified on maps using "surveyor's marks."

The year ends with the announcement that Mel's next project, due in theaters in 2012, will be Gibson on the Roof. Pre-screenings indicate that Mel Gibson will be holding a violin not an AK-47.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

More Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Kim Kardashian and Me

Trump Casino Collapses Trapping Every Kardashian and Entire Cast of Jersey Shore

In a tragedy strangely reminicent of the Chilean Mining Accident of last year, the Trump Taj Mahal Casino collapses, trapping every member of the Kardashian family and the entire cast of Jersey Shore under tons of rubble. The victims were in Atlantic City shooting a new reality show scheduled to air in the fall called Kim and Khloe Go to White Castle.

funny kardashians, snooki and those other jersey shore guys in a big, naked pile Donald Trump hastily organizes a combination rescue mission and television show called Kan You Rescue a Kardashian and maybe Snooki? The winner will receive $25,000 and a Bruce Springsteen Limited Boxed Set.

Local legend and part-time comedian/hustler Bob Melonosky develops an ingenious plan and gets the go ahead to implement it. His idea involves a pink eraser, four push pins and a rubber band. Unfortunately, Bob becomes distracted by his blog, online porn, Top Chef: Allstars, and a bird that keeps banging into his window at work, and it takes him 69 days to reach the b-list celebrities. Everyone perishes except for Kim Kardashian and Bruce Jenner. Bob rescues Kim in front of a grateful nation transfixed by the drama unfolding on their television screens. Overnight numbers are good so Fox orders another season.

funny snooki's teeny tiny feet not really a meal Snooki's teeny, tiny feet are not really a meal fit for a Kardashian.
Kim Kardashian falls madly in love with Bob Melonosky and promises 69 straight nights of 69 as a symbol of their love. However, Kim has survived 69 days in the rubble by licking condensation off of rocks and eating the late, great Snooki's left foot -- not a very nutritious diet. This has resulted in a tightening and significant reduction in Ms. Kardashian's famously bountiful booty. Bob no longer finds her appealing and leaves with the cash.

funny kim kardashian and OJ Simpson togetherKim was always present at Uncle OJ's murder trial.
A distraught Kim looks for a rebound relationship but she has already dated every NFL player, current or retired, under the age of 40. She finally finds love in the arms of O.J. Simpson, former NFL player and long-time family friend. A wedding transpires behind the walls of the Lovelock Correctional Facility in Pershing County, Nevada where O.J. is serving 33 years for kidnapping and armed robbery. The only attendees are Paris Hilton, the maid-of-honor and Kato Kaelin, the best man.

funny Kim Kardashian and OJ Simpson in a big, naked dream team pileKim was often brought into legal huddles to add her perspective on the proceedings.
After their first conjugal visit, Kim Kardashian is found brutally stabbed to death. The only clues in the trailer are a bloody print from a Size 12 Bruno Maglis shoe and a man's glove on the smallish size. A disconsolate O.J. vowes to find the killer.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 3: Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods Marries Selena Gomez

Cute Selena Gomez at a celebrity golf tournament where she met her husband, Tiger Woods.
Days after Tiger Woods wins the 2011 Masters Tournament he shocks the world by marrying America's Sweetheart and Disney Goldmine, Selena Gomez. Mike Greenberg of ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning is brought to tears by the news declaring, "Never before in the history of western civilization has a greater man risen from the depths. I will now drink of Tiger's blood and eat of Tiger's body."

tiger woods remarries, selena gomez secret wedding, funny selena gomez, funny tiger woods Days after remarrying, Tiger Woods is caught cheating on his new bride when he accidently tweets the location and time of an illicit coupling to 430 million followers. TMZ breaks the story and the New York Post has a field day when Tiger's mistress turns out to be none other than Nadya Suleman, the notorious Octomom.

funny tiger woods photo, tiger cheats on new bride selena gomez
Octomom claims that Tiger Woods has been invading her spacious den at least twice a week since before his first marriage. More exciting news, she's currently pregnant and its a long par 3, Tiger triplets.

Will Selena Gomez stand by her man and save her marriage? Will Tiger Woods finally reveal that he is HIV positive? Will Octomom ever meet a nice guy on e-harmony? And finally, Mike Greenberg wants to know if all these unfortunate events will affect Tiger's chances to win the next major event on the PGA schedule, the U.S. Open held this year at the challenging Blue Course of the beautiful Congressional Country Club located in Bethesda, Maryland?

We can only hope.