Friday, April 11, 2014

My Breakfast Bet of the Day

Danish that looks like Rory McIlroy not betMasters Neil Gaiman

I bought a chocolate danish today that looks just like Neil Gaiman so I placed a  £12,00 bet on Neil to win the Masters. Drinks are on me!

Queen Latifah's Melons

Sometimes this blog makes me smile.

Queen Latifah's net worth

Like when I saw "Queen Latifah's melons" as a search term in the site statistics.  Somebody typed "Queen Latifah's melons" into google and then visited my site.  Cool.  But why?

Queen Latifah's real name

Turns out that I'm number 1 for "Queen Latifah's melons" on google image search.  Yippee!  Click on the photo of Queen Latifah in the top left-hand corner and you end up at my blog.

I took my own trip to wikipedia and found out that when she isn't busy fulfilling all the duties required of the reigning Queen of Latifah, Queen Latifah is an accomplished, amateur botanical geneticist, responsible for the creation of the Latifah melon (Scientific name: Danaelainus owenis).  It's a delicious cultivar of the traditional honey dew and the rare French Charentais.

Sadly, there are no melons belonging to Queen Latifah here.  That google guy left disappointed -- which saddens me.  After an exhaustive search of the internet that took 5 minutes, I could not find a single photo of "Queen Latifah's melons" to share with everyone.

Queen Latifah with fruit

Will citrus do?  Looks juicy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/11/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian Nick Cannon funny
'There have been a lot of people since me!' Nick Cannon disses Kim Kardashian as he reminds the world he once slept with her
My Comment:  Sleeping with Kim Kardashian is like farting in an elevator, every guy has done it, we just don't admit to it.

When I wrote this joke last week, it was about how kissing Tara Reid was like farting in an elevator.  I'm going to milk this baby like North milks mama. 


Ivanka Trump goggie style butt hot
Ivanka Trump takes adorable Arabella through her morning yoga routine
My Comment:  I could "down dog pose" with Ivanka all day.  You know, because I really like yoga.


wet
Coming soon… another self-indulgent video: Bikini-clad Kim Kardashian flips her wet hair in a raunchy tease
My Comment: Free Willy!!!  Whales should not be kept in captivity.  Sad.  #Blackfish

Miley Cyrus kissing dog
'What am I gonna do without him?' Miley Cyrus is inconsolable after beloved dog Floyd dies while she's away on tour
My Comment:   Can you imagine the horrible, horrible things that dog had to watch?  Poor dear probably killed himself.

Seriously, doesn't it look like the dog is afraid he'll get herpes?

Miley Cyrus naked nude nipples
Miley Cyrus goes topless and straddles a horse statue while holding a blunt in leaked new single cover
My Comment:  Never before has so much been made of so little.  Hope they hosed down that horse when they were done.


Kim Kardashian butt photoshop funny
Yes, my bum looks big in this! Kim Kardashian reveals her inflated posterior in a tiny bikini as she poses for beach shoot
My Comment:  Hey girls, Never go to the beach without your towel, sunscreen and photoshop.

See that fake looking gap between her left arm and her hip?  Photoshop.  Luckily, I have an old friend at the American Embassy in Thailand and she was able to send me the unaltered photo.


Kim Kardashian butt photoshop before and after

Kim Kardashian's butt before photoshop.  Yummy!

Accepted Comments

funny Kim Kardashian bikini photoshop fail
She wants to look her best for the wedding photos': Kim Kardashian determined to shed another 5lbs for Kanye nuptials
My Comment:  I think you left off a 0. She must want to lose 50 pounds before the wedding.  Rating ▲35

I'm not usually a fat joke guy but the Kardashians are unbelievable. Rich liars are some of my least favorite people.

Kim Kardashian photoshop fail funny bikini

The Daily Mail - All the Kardashian News That's Fit to Print.

Friday, March 28, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/28/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin consciously uncoupling funny
What is conscious uncoupling? Don't call it a divorce. The teachings behind Gwyneth Paltrow's New Age separation from Chris Martin
My Comment:  You know what's funny?  I've unconsciously coupled with both of them on separate occasions.   We all used to pass out a lot at parties.


Kim Kardashian pee on Kayne West R. Kelly funny
'North peed on him!' Kim Kardashian reveals Kanye West was victim of unfortunate accident during Vogue cover feature photo shoot
My Comment:  R. Kelly would pay good money for that!  I think we found Baby North's future career.

Kim Kardashian breastfeeding funny
Shirtless Kanye West cradles cherubic baby North as inside shots of Kim Kardashian's Vogue shoot are revealed
My Comment:  When do we get to see a shirtless Kim with Baby North snuggling against her massive fake boobs?  Maybe the cover of Hustler?  They should hire me as their PR person.


Scarlett Johansson one big boob funny
Scarlett Johansson wears red to the Captain America: The Winter Soldier UK premiere… but there’s no sign of her baby bump yet
My Comment:   These celebrity chicks tell everyone they're pregnant while the sperm are still making their way up the fallopian tube.  More importantly, why is Scarlett's pushup bra only pushing up the right one?

Scarlett Johansson boob slip funny

It looks like the under-wire in the left cup had a major design fail from excessive stress.  This concludes the structural engineering portion of the broadcast.


Tara
'I've kissed Tom Brady': Tara Reid reveals she once had a surprise fling with Gisele's quarterback husband
My Comment:   Kissing Tara Reid is like farting in an elevator, every guy has done it --  we'll just never admit it.

If you can look past Tara's incredibly inviting hangers and her incredibly uninviting stretch marks, there's a whole lot of sumpin' happening in her crotch.  Camel toe? More like the whole foot.

Tara Reid cameltoe camel toe

Camel foot?  More like a camel vagina, actually.  Did you know that in northern Australia a camel toe is called a Wanda?  See that W up there?  That's why.  This concludes the etymological portion of the broadcast.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


funny Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian pushes baby North through airport in high heels and skin-tight dress on way to Korea... 
My Comment:  "Korea is the best kountry kause it starts with a K." -- Kim Kardashian, probably. 
Rating ▲14

 
Kendall Jenner butt ass
Not a rip-roaring success: Kendall Jenner flashes more than intended in stonewashed jeans with a tear across her bottom
My Comment:  That's a ripping good bum.  Rating ▲3

Do you think that when Kim looks in the mirror she sees Kendall's body with a gigantic pair of fake boobs? This concludes the cheap  psychoanalysis portion of the broadcast.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

It's Ruin a Childrens Book Day Over on Twitter #RuinAChildrensBook

What you're missing on Twitter because you don't follow me.  Thanks to the 18 followers I do have.  You are the best and most desperate people I don't really know.

#RuinAChildrensBook

 
ruin a children's book green eggs and salmonella
Green Eggs and Salmonella 


ruin a children's book the very horny caterpillar
The Very Horny Caterpillar 



ruin a children's book How the Grinch Stole My Virginity
How the Grinch Stole My Virginity By Cindy Lou Who


I'll add more if my boss stops checking up on me.

 A new one...

Where are the White Women At?
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, Where are the White Women At?


One more...

Winnie-The-Poo


Slow day at work...
The Giving a Handjob Tree


Last one, I promise...

If You Give a Mouse Some Nookie

Friday, March 21, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/21/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Angus T Jones Christian nutjob
Bearded former Two and a Half Men child star opens up about his embrace of Christianity and why he left the $350,000-per-week windfall for Jesus
My Comment:  Forget the lies they teach you in church and remember this truth, "Jesus hates a douchebag."


Lindsay Lohan covered in STDs
Revealed! Now Orlando Bloom, Ashton Kutcher and Ryan Phillippe named on Lindsay Lohan's list of 36 celebrity lovers
My Comment:  She's the new Typhoid Mary.   Thanks to Lindsay Lohan, every decent looking chap in Hollywood has herpes, hepatitis and the clap.  She should be put in quarantine for the good of all mankind.

Add a couple of more celebs to the list of guys who I will never be sharing a joint with.


This photo with the following caption appeared in an article about gays and the New York City St. Paddy's Day parade.

Michael Bloomberg Irish
Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, an Irish American, marched in the parade every year he was in office.
My Comment:   Mikey Bloomberg is as Irish as I am.  His father was Patty O'Bloom from County Kike.  Mikey changed his name when he went into the financial business in order to avoid the Irish prejudice inherent within the system.


Kim Kardashian big butt funny
Kim Kardashian shows off her curvaceous derriere in figure hugging skirt.
My Comment:  My grandmother used to say, "If you can't hide it, paint it red."  Is there any red paint left in Los Angeles?


If you look closely at Kim Kardashian's ample butt, you can clearly see  Phobos and Deimos, the moons of Mars.  I watched Cosmos on Fox at 9:00 EDT last Sunday and learned that the moons got confused and began orbiting Kim during her third trimester.  Cosmos on Fox, entertaining and educational!


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Justin Beiber addidas
Who needs Jimi Hendrix! Justin Bieber poses with a guitar as he stars in new ad campaign for Adidas.
My Comment:  Justin is the man and it's a good-looking shoe. Sweet. I'm gonna get me mom to buy me some. I am a Beibeliever!  Rating ▼26

I got another comment through.  But it got deleted.  I rant on and on about here.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- Special Banned Edition

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog. 

You guys know the drill.  I post comments on The Daily Mail and try to get as many red "dislike" arrows as possible.

The heartbreaking moment The Little Couple star Jen Arnold reveals to viewers she is battling stage three cancer
My Comment:   The Kardashians should take note.  Cancer is great for ratings.  I would figure out a way for the fat brother to get it -- testicular cancer would be perfect for some light-hearted genital jokes.  Khloe would be 2nd choice. You don't want the pretty ones ending up bald and ugly, that would be bad for merchandizing.  Rating ▼157

157 red arrows in about an hour.  This was going to be my best comment ever.  Back in August 2013, I dared to defend Justin Beiber and got a Rating ▼453.  Apparently, readers of The Daily Mail like this little family even more than they hate Justin Beiber -- but then my joy was gone.

I saw a little warning saying my comment had broken the house rules then the little warning closed.  I just studied the house rules and I don't see any rule that this comment violates.  I think one of the rightwing, nutjob, celebrity-worshipper, househags complained about my comment.  I'll never know.

For the record, I have never seen this show.  I never will see it.  I'm sure in real life this couple is good people.

But a reality show is not real life.

This woman is not your friend.  She is a performer on a TV show.  Her show competes with the Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo and The Big Bang Theory for your eyeballs.  Your eyeballs mean $$$.   Reality TV is all about making money.

The Kardashians don't live in the house that's on the show.  It's a set.  If a producer suggested that Kim has to get ovarian cancer for ratings, the mom would do it.  Imagine a bald Kim picking out the prettiest $100,000 wig with her idiot sisters giggling over every choice.  Then The Daily Mail would reveal that it was all fake and everybody would be upset until the next time the girls showed some side boob. 

My comment was not a cancer joke. It was not a dwarf joke.  It was a sophisticated observation about reality television and the diminishing intelligence and decaying morality of their target audience.

I'm a nice guy and I can prove it with a story about me and a "human of short stature."  I used to work with a dwarf.  Her name was Donna.  She was a word processor and was an excellent typist even with her incredibly short fingers.  She was also very nice and pretty hot for a dwarf.

We used to go to lunch together every week.  I used to let her drive even though I was scared to death I would die inside the crumpled, burned-out remains of her Chevy Impala.  It wasn't the blocks on her gas pedal and brakes that were scary.  She was a terrible driver that would not shut up and liked to talk with her hands like an Italian fishmonger.  She was Italian.  She had hairy arms but I dig that.

Did I mention that she used to talk endlessly about her loser fiancee. He worked construction but like many dwarfs wanted to be an actor.   He did some dwarf-tossing at local bars because it was show business and that really upset Donna.  Basically, the guy was a little prick.

Bottom line, I could have banged her.  Easy.  I didn't.   Even though it would have been epic.  I didn't because I'm a nice guy and she was vulnerable, horny and usually tipsy off of one wine spritzer.

So, now that you know I'm a nice guy with only good intentions did you ever hear the one about the little person who finds out that his wife has cancer?  The guy takes his wife shopping to try and cheer her up but it only makes her sadder.   He gets pissed off and asks her why.  She says, "I didn't like any of the headstones and I don't want to be buried in a kid's coffin.  I don't care how much cheaper they are"


Monday, March 17, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/17/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny Daily Mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

driving while black in Florida funny
Aren’t you a little young to be behind the wheel? Adorable moment toddler is ‘pulled over’ by police in her toy convertible and given a $4 ticket
My Comment:   After the officer gave her the ticket, he shot her in the back.  It's Florida, and she's driving a BMW while black.


Kourtney Kardashian see-throug hot
Kourtney Kardashian unleashes her wild side in see-through blouse and jean
My Comment:   Wild?  More like cheap.   I'm sure that outfit cost $3000, but she looks like a two-bit ho. The only thing missing is a couple of band-aids and some bruises.  How much for a happy ending,  Kourtney?

Ohio couple heroin overdose at McDonalds
Couple jailed after overdosing on heroin while at a McDonald's play area with their children
My Comment:  It might be this smack I just shot up while at KFC but aren't they the same person?


cross-dressing twins Ohio couple heroin overdose at McDonalds

Seriously. there's nothing better than a Happy Meal with a Snowball chaser, especially when I'm stuck in Ohio.


Kelly Brook boyfriend hot badger breath
Animal lover Kelly Brook 'tore strips' from ex-Gladiator boyfriend for crashing van full of dead badgers into bus stop
My Comment:  Talk about disappointment!  I thought she literally tore strips off him, maybe to fashion a cute human skin skirt.  You English with your funny sayings and your more tolerant PETA members.

Kelly Brook, hot model and PETA supporter, dates a guy that gets paid to drive a truck full of dead badgers.  I'm thinking that if I buy a hip, new outfit and stop shaving, I have a shot.  I am a veggie. 


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kate Gosselin terrible mother bangs bodyguard
Kate Gosselin held hands with her married bodyguard and yelled at twins Mady and Cara, 13, at Demi Lovato concert
My Comment:  If Lindsay Lohan was going through menopause. she would be Kate Gosselin.  Rating ▲157

I used to write jokes for Dennis Miller.


Gemma Worrall hot
I've got 17 GCSEs says Gemma Worrall who thought 'Barraco Barner' was President
My Comment: She's obviously smarter than any of the Kardashians, and better looking. If she has "relations" with a rapper on video, she can be a big star in America. Good advice. Rating ▼9


Who wore it better? Kim Kardashian or Alessandra Ambrosio
Double take! Alessandra Ambrosio wears a VERY tight curve-hugging dress... that Kim Kardashian modeled three months ago
My Comment:   Kim Kardashian would wear that same outfit, in the same size, and look like a concrete bunker.  Rating ▲13

Thursday, March 6, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/7/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Matthew McConaughey hot wife Camila Alves
‘Let’s make another baby!’: Matthew McConaughey tells wife Camila Alves he wants another child after Oscars win
My Comment:  When they make a new baby will his dad be watching in his underwear while holding a can of Miller Lite?

Because the whole idea of dead relatives watching us from heaven is creepy.

Kim Kardashian annoying escort
Kim Kardashian 'flees Vienna Ball after man in black face mimics Kanye West'... as date who paid her $500k complains she's 'annoying' 
My Comment:  Being annoying and having sex with rich men is what Kim Kardashian does -- it is her reason for being.  If he didn't "get lucky," he should get his money back.

Kim Kardashian escort ad funny

If I paid an "escort" $500,000 for a night of fun, I wouldn't expect a happy ending, I'd expect three happy endings and a AVN Award winning video for best male performance with a Kardashian.

New father Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman go helmet free to zip around Miami on scooters
My Comment: She looks terrified but she knows that if she leaves his side to spend time with the baby, Simon will impregnate one of her close friends.  Then she's old news.


It's starting to piss me off that I can't get a "Simon Cowell impregnating a friend" comment through. The guy did impregnate the wife of his best friend.  The Daily Mail considers it newsworthy. Let my comments go...


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Nina Agdal bikini hot
Supermodel Nina Agdal shows off her flawless figure in multi-coloured bikini for new campaign
My Comment:  She looks more like a SlightlyBetterThanAveragemodel.  Rating ▲48

Back in my day, if you wanted to be called a supermodel, you had to have super powers. Cheryl Tiegs had gravity defying breasts. Christie Brinkley often had sex with Billy Joel without throwing up. And Carol Alt could melt a hockey player's heart simply by gazing into their souls with her deep, blue eyes. Nina is just a kid that looks good in a bikini.


Kendall Jenner can walk and show off her nipples at the same time
Her biggest coup to date! Kendall Jenner cements her model standing as she walks the catwalk in Chanel's Paris Fashion Week show
My Comment:  It's official, Kendall is the only Kardashian that can walk and chew gum at the same time.  Rating ▲1

Photographic evidence that Kendall Jenner can walk and has not had massive breast implants surgically inserted into her body.

Justin
EXCLUSIVE: Pictured, Justin Bieber's bad boy dad dancing in a grass skirt enjoying '$50,000 allowance' his son gives HIM at mansion superstar bought him
My Comment:  My son only gives me an allowance of $15 a month. Cheap poser.  Rating ▼0


Jessica Alba
She's earned her fashion stripes! Jessica Alba is zesty in a colorful coat as she arrives at JFK airport
My Comment: Poor dear, her husband has left her and she's had to make a coat out of a carpet she stole from a bank. By the way, I like my Italian dressing zesty; I like my gorgeous celebrities perky, or maybe sassy.  Rating ▼2

My bad.  I got this one mixed up with the horse-faced one from 90210.  Not much of a comment but at least I got a couple of reds.