Wednesday, April 16, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/16/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kate Middleton and Prince William show affection
They can't keep their hands off each other! Kate and Wills show they're very much in love with tactile displays of affection
My Comment:  Back at Oxford, when I was dating Kate,  we used to show our love with projectile relays of infection.  Good times.

When Kate used to pat my shoulder firmly, I'd shiver with anticipation and have warm memories of my old old rugby coach, Mr. Tully.


Emily DiDonato hot bkini bathing suit Fap Island
Jake Gyllenhaal's ex Emily DiDonato displays her curvaceous figure in several sexy outfits on the beach 
My Comment:  Wow, Emily looks gorgeous!  I'd Fap all over that Island.  Oops, I just did.


Kim Kardashian butt funny tail
Kim Kardashian wants an eye-popping booty that everyone notices 
My Comment:  If she grew a tail, her posterior would be worshiped as a monkey-god in India.


Heidi Klum topless hot nipples boobs naked boy toy
Heidi Klum, 40, goes topless while frolicking with her 27-year-old toyboy lover Vito
My Comment: A chubby, flabby boy toy?  Where do I apply for the job?


Kim Kardashian lands on her ample derriere after taking a tumble
My Comment:  Kim is supposed to look like Audrey Hepburn? It looks like she ate Audrey Hepburn for breakfast, with a side of bacon.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kim Kardashian Paris short hair
Kim Kardashian reveals new short hair while shopping in Paris
My Comment:  Kim looks like one of the guys from Tron except she's too fat to ride a Light Cycle.  Rating ▲1

Kim Kardasian Tron cameltoe camel toe



Billionaire Howard Lutnick sues Southampton zoning boards and MEMBERS for $56m because they reject his plans to build a basketball court
My Comment:  If he doesn't like it, he should take his billions and move to Russia. Good riddance. Real men play basketball at public playgrounds. Another rich wimp.  Rating ▼54

I'd love to ball with this 1%er pussy.  He's bald like Michael but he looks soft, and white, like a kitten's belly.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time Woody Harrelson showed up at our court at the 14th St. Y over on First Avenue.  Woody didn't have much game -- but the weed?   SportsCenter highlight worthy.


Indian monkey god
Indian boy with a tail worshipped as a monkey-like god
My Comment:   A heartwarming story. The Indians have always been an accepting and tolerant people, willing to caste off their differences and embrace everyone without prejudice. Rating ▼152

Wasn't sure why this comment was getting so much negative response -- until I saw the comments on my comment.  The sarcasm was lost and anti-Indianism was carrying the vote.  I'll take the ▼152 anyway I can.  BTW, there was an Indian monkey-god with a tail story a few weeks ago, submitted same comment, didn't get through.


Kylie Jenner before after plastic surgery
'It hurts my feelings': Kylie Jenner, 16, slams plastic surgery claims branding them 'insulting'
My Comment:  Don't go under the knife, if you can't take the strife. -- Emily Dickinson  Rating ▲56

Without the Kardashians, The Daily Mail would be just two pages of monkey tail stories.

Friday, April 11, 2014

My Breakfast Bet of the Day

Danish that looks like Rory McIlroy not betMasters Neil Gaiman

I bought a chocolate danish today that looks just like Neil Gaiman so I placed a  £12,00 bet on Neil to win the Masters. Drinks are on me!

Queen Latifah's Melons

Sometimes this blog makes me smile.

Queen Latifah's net worth

Like when I saw "Queen Latifah's melons" as a search term in the site statistics.  Somebody typed "Queen Latifah's melons" into google and then visited my site.  Cool.  But why?

Queen Latifah's real name

Turns out that I'm number 1 for "Queen Latifah's melons" on google image search.  Yippee!  Click on the photo of Queen Latifah in the top left-hand corner and you end up at my blog.

I took my own trip to wikipedia and found out that when she isn't busy fulfilling all the duties required of the reigning Queen of Latifah, Queen Latifah is an accomplished, amateur botanical geneticist, responsible for the creation of the Latifah melon (Scientific name: Danaelainus owenis).  It's a delicious cultivar of the traditional honey dew and the rare French Charentais.

Sadly, there are no melons belonging to Queen Latifah here.  That google guy left disappointed -- which saddens me.  After an exhaustive search of the internet that took 5 minutes, I could not find a single photo of "Queen Latifah's melons" to share with everyone.

Queen Latifah with fruit

Will citrus do?  Looks juicy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/11/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian Nick Cannon funny
'There have been a lot of people since me!' Nick Cannon disses Kim Kardashian as he reminds the world he once slept with her
My Comment:  Sleeping with Kim Kardashian is like farting in an elevator, every guy has done it, we just don't admit to it.

When I wrote this joke last week, it was about how kissing Tara Reid was like farting in an elevator.  I'm going to milk this baby like North milks mama. 


Ivanka Trump goggie style butt hot
Ivanka Trump takes adorable Arabella through her morning yoga routine
My Comment:  I could "down dog pose" with Ivanka all day.  You know, because I really like yoga.


wet
Coming soon… another self-indulgent video: Bikini-clad Kim Kardashian flips her wet hair in a raunchy tease
My Comment: Free Willy!!!  Whales should not be kept in captivity.  Sad.  #Blackfish

Miley Cyrus kissing dog
'What am I gonna do without him?' Miley Cyrus is inconsolable after beloved dog Floyd dies while she's away on tour
My Comment:   Can you imagine the horrible, horrible things that dog had to watch?  Poor dear probably killed himself.

Seriously, doesn't it look like the dog is afraid he'll get herpes?

Miley Cyrus naked nude nipples
Miley Cyrus goes topless and straddles a horse statue while holding a blunt in leaked new single cover
My Comment:  Never before has so much been made of so little.  Hope they hosed down that horse when they were done.


Kim Kardashian butt photoshop funny
Yes, my bum looks big in this! Kim Kardashian reveals her inflated posterior in a tiny bikini as she poses for beach shoot
My Comment:  Hey girls, Never go to the beach without your towel, sunscreen and photoshop.

See that fake looking gap between her left arm and her hip?  Photoshop.  Luckily, I have an old friend at the American Embassy in Thailand and she was able to send me the unaltered photo.


Kim Kardashian butt photoshop before and after

Kim Kardashian's butt before photoshop.  Yummy!

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

funny Kim Kardashian bikini photoshop fail
She wants to look her best for the wedding photos': Kim Kardashian determined to shed another 5lbs for Kanye nuptials
My Comment:  I think you left off a 0. She must want to lose 50 pounds before the wedding.  Rating ▲35

I'm not usually a fat joke guy but the Kardashians are unbelievable. Rich liars are some of my least favorite people.

Kim Kardashian photoshop fail funny bikini

The Daily Mail - All the Kardashian News That's Fit to Print.

Friday, March 28, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/28/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin consciously uncoupling funny
What is conscious uncoupling? Don't call it a divorce. The teachings behind Gwyneth Paltrow's New Age separation from Chris Martin
My Comment:  You know what's funny?  I've unconsciously coupled with both of them on separate occasions.   We all used to pass out a lot at parties.


Kim Kardashian pee on Kayne West R. Kelly funny
'North peed on him!' Kim Kardashian reveals Kanye West was victim of unfortunate accident during Vogue cover feature photo shoot
My Comment:  R. Kelly would pay good money for that!  I think we found Baby North's future career.

Kim Kardashian breastfeeding funny
Shirtless Kanye West cradles cherubic baby North as inside shots of Kim Kardashian's Vogue shoot are revealed
My Comment:  When do we get to see a shirtless Kim with Baby North snuggling against her massive fake boobs?  Maybe the cover of Hustler?  They should hire me as their PR person.


Scarlett Johansson one big boob funny
Scarlett Johansson wears red to the Captain America: The Winter Soldier UK premiere… but there’s no sign of her baby bump yet
My Comment:   These celebrity chicks tell everyone they're pregnant while the sperm are still making their way up the fallopian tube.  More importantly, why is Scarlett's pushup bra only pushing up the right one?

Scarlett Johansson boob slip funny

It looks like the under-wire in the left cup had a major design fail from excessive stress.  This concludes the structural engineering portion of the broadcast.


Tara
'I've kissed Tom Brady': Tara Reid reveals she once had a surprise fling with Gisele's quarterback husband
My Comment:   Kissing Tara Reid is like farting in an elevator, every guy has done it --  we'll just never admit it.

If you can look past Tara's incredibly inviting hangers and her incredibly uninviting stretch marks, there's a whole lot of sumpin' happening in her crotch.  Camel toe? More like the whole foot.

Tara Reid cameltoe camel toe

Camel foot?  More like a camel vagina, actually.  Did you know that in northern Australia a camel toe is called a Wanda?  See that W up there?  That's why.  This concludes the etymological portion of the broadcast.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


funny Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian pushes baby North through airport in high heels and skin-tight dress on way to Korea... 
My Comment:  "Korea is the best kountry kause it starts with a K." -- Kim Kardashian, probably. 
Rating ▲14

 
Kendall Jenner butt ass
Not a rip-roaring success: Kendall Jenner flashes more than intended in stonewashed jeans with a tear across her bottom
My Comment:  That's a ripping good bum.  Rating ▲3

Do you think that when Kim looks in the mirror she sees Kendall's body with a gigantic pair of fake boobs? This concludes the cheap  psychoanalysis portion of the broadcast.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

It's Ruin a Childrens Book Day Over on Twitter #RuinAChildrensBook

What you're missing on Twitter because you don't follow me.  Thanks to the 18 followers I do have.  You are the best and most desperate people I don't really know.

#RuinAChildrensBook

 
ruin a children's book green eggs and salmonella
Green Eggs and Salmonella 


ruin a children's book the very horny caterpillar
The Very Horny Caterpillar 



ruin a children's book How the Grinch Stole My Virginity
How the Grinch Stole My Virginity By Cindy Lou Who


I'll add more if my boss stops checking up on me.

 A new one...

Where are the White Women At?
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, Where are the White Women At?


One more...

Winnie-The-Poo


Slow day at work...
The Giving a Handjob Tree


Last one, I promise...

If You Give a Mouse Some Nookie

Friday, March 21, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/21/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Angus T Jones Christian nutjob
Bearded former Two and a Half Men child star opens up about his embrace of Christianity and why he left the $350,000-per-week windfall for Jesus
My Comment:  Forget the lies they teach you in church and remember this truth, "Jesus hates a douchebag."


Lindsay Lohan covered in STDs
Revealed! Now Orlando Bloom, Ashton Kutcher and Ryan Phillippe named on Lindsay Lohan's list of 36 celebrity lovers
My Comment:  She's the new Typhoid Mary.   Thanks to Lindsay Lohan, every decent looking chap in Hollywood has herpes, hepatitis and the clap.  She should be put in quarantine for the good of all mankind.

Add a couple of more celebs to the list of guys who I will never be sharing a joint with.


This photo with the following caption appeared in an article about gays and the New York City St. Paddy's Day parade.

Michael Bloomberg Irish
Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, an Irish American, marched in the parade every year he was in office.
My Comment:   Mikey Bloomberg is as Irish as I am.  His father was Patty O'Bloom from County Kike.  Mikey changed his name when he went into the financial business in order to avoid the Irish prejudice inherent within the system.


Kim Kardashian big butt funny
Kim Kardashian shows off her curvaceous derriere in figure hugging skirt.
My Comment:  My grandmother used to say, "If you can't hide it, paint it red."  Is there any red paint left in Los Angeles?


If you look closely at Kim Kardashian's ample butt, you can clearly see  Phobos and Deimos, the moons of Mars.  I watched Cosmos on Fox at 9:00 EDT last Sunday and learned that the moons got confused and began orbiting Kim during her third trimester.  Cosmos on Fox, entertaining and educational!


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Justin Beiber addidas
Who needs Jimi Hendrix! Justin Bieber poses with a guitar as he stars in new ad campaign for Adidas.
My Comment:  Justin is the man and it's a good-looking shoe. Sweet. I'm gonna get me mom to buy me some. I am a Beibeliever!  Rating ▼26

I got another comment through.  But it got deleted.  I rant on and on about here.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- Special Banned Edition

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog. 

You guys know the drill.  I post comments on The Daily Mail and try to get as many red "dislike" arrows as possible.

The heartbreaking moment The Little Couple star Jen Arnold reveals to viewers she is battling stage three cancer
My Comment:   The Kardashians should take note.  Cancer is great for ratings.  I would figure out a way for the fat brother to get it -- testicular cancer would be perfect for some light-hearted genital jokes.  Khloe would be 2nd choice. You don't want the pretty ones ending up bald and ugly, that would be bad for merchandizing.  Rating ▼157

157 red arrows in about an hour.  This was going to be my best comment ever.  Back in August 2013, I dared to defend Justin Beiber and got a Rating ▼453.  Apparently, readers of The Daily Mail like this little family even more than they hate Justin Beiber -- but then my joy was gone.

I saw a little warning saying my comment had broken the house rules then the little warning closed.  I just studied the house rules and I don't see any rule that this comment violates.  I think one of the rightwing, nutjob, celebrity-worshipper, househags complained about my comment.  I'll never know.

For the record, I have never seen this show.  I never will see it.  I'm sure in real life this couple is good people.

But a reality show is not real life.

This woman is not your friend.  She is a performer on a TV show.  Her show competes with the Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo and The Big Bang Theory for your eyeballs.  Your eyeballs mean $$$.   Reality TV is all about making money.

The Kardashians don't live in the house that's on the show.  It's a set.  If a producer suggested that Kim has to get ovarian cancer for ratings, the mom would do it.  Imagine a bald Kim picking out the prettiest $100,000 wig with her idiot sisters giggling over every choice.  Then The Daily Mail would reveal that it was all fake and everybody would be upset until the next time the girls showed some side boob. 

My comment was not a cancer joke. It was not a dwarf joke.  It was a sophisticated observation about reality television and the diminishing intelligence and decaying morality of their target audience.

I'm a nice guy and I can prove it with a story about me and a "human of short stature."  I used to work with a dwarf.  Her name was Donna.  She was a word processor and was an excellent typist even with her incredibly short fingers.  She was also very nice and pretty hot for a dwarf.

We used to go to lunch together every week.  I used to let her drive even though I was scared to death I would die inside the crumpled, burned-out remains of her Chevy Impala.  It wasn't the blocks on her gas pedal and brakes that were scary.  She was a terrible driver that would not shut up and liked to talk with her hands like an Italian fishmonger.  She was Italian.  She had hairy arms but I dig that.

Did I mention that she used to talk endlessly about her loser fiancee. He worked construction but like many dwarfs wanted to be an actor.   He did some dwarf-tossing at local bars because it was show business and that really upset Donna.  Basically, the guy was a little prick.

Bottom line, I could have banged her.  Easy.  I didn't.   Even though it would have been epic.  I didn't because I'm a nice guy and she was vulnerable, horny and usually tipsy off of one wine spritzer.

So, now that you know I'm a nice guy with only good intentions did you ever hear the one about the little person who finds out that his wife has cancer?  The guy takes his wife shopping to try and cheer her up but it only makes her sadder.   He gets pissed off and asks her why.  She says, "I didn't like any of the headstones and I don't want to be buried in a kid's coffin.  I don't care how much cheaper they are"