Friday, February 27, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 2/27/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Giuliana
Giuliana Rancic forced to apologize for 'racist' Oscar red carpet comment about teen star Zendaya's dreadlocks - after saying they 'must smell like weed and oil' 
My Comment:   If she married Rudy Giuliani, she'd be Giuliana Giiuliani -- and they're both racists so they'd probably be happy together.

Can you imagine the balls it takes to make fun of somebody's hair when you're sporting a stringy, greasy orangutang doo?  I can write this because my hair is always perfect.


Lauren Silverman Simon Cowell boobs chest funny
Eyes on the prize! Simon Cowell is distracted by Lauren Silverman's chest as she wows at Elle Style Awards 2015
My Comment:   That chest is a booby prize.  You get a bigger trophy in a box of breakfast cereal.


Nicole Trunfio hot breasts clesvage
Hot mumma! Nicole Trunfio busts out of VERY low-cut burgundy gown weeks after giving birth to her first child 
My Comment:   Wow!  Time to make another baby!  Where do I sign up?


Christina Milian nipple oops hot
Christina Milian suffers wardrobe malfunction as she shows off too much sideboob (and strategically placed fashion tape!) at Focus premiere in LA 
My Comment:   Where can I find a beautiful woman that likes to have her nipples covered in sticky tape?  I'm a young billionaire that enjoys hurting women consensually for our mutual pleasure.



Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Kylie Jenner skank funny
Kylie and Kris Jenner coordinate their black outfits as they spend the day together
My Comment:  Kylie dresses like she's a 30-year old divorced mother of two.  Rating ▲32



Simon Cowell fat funny douchebag
The answer is NO! Simon Cowell says he'd rather cut himself a thousand times in bath of vinegar than work with Katie Hopkins
My Comment:  I'd rather watch Simon Cowell cut himself a thousand times in a bath of vinegar than watch his TV show.  Rating ▼8

For delicious and tender meat, bathe a rump roast of douchebag in vinegar, remembering to slice it 1000 times so the marinade penetrates into the flesh.

Charlie XCX sideboob hot oops
Charli XCX flashes EXTREME sideboob in a backless monochrome gown as she makes a rather racy arrival on the BRITs red carpet
My Comment:  EXTREME sideboob is like EXTREME skiing. The slopes are steep, danger awaits at every curve and the rush is addictive.  Rating ▲1

Seriously, that's some serious sideboob.

Worked once so I gave it another shot.


Rita Ora Ellie Goulding hot cleavage
Rita Ora and Ellie Goulding go all out in the battle of the pop princesses as they display EXTREME cleavage on the BRIT Awards red carpet
My Comment:  EXTREME cleavage is like EXTREME skiing. The slopes are steep, danger awaits at every curve and the rush is addictive.  Rating ▲1

Time for another pitch to my good friends at Fox.

Battle Extreme Celebrity Cleavage boobage funny

In February, The Daily Mail identified 14 EXTREME cleavages.  They are all in that promo (except Rita Ora that I forgot to put in).  Serious cleavages and ample cleavages were not included.   The first caller that can correctly match the celebrity to her EXTREME cleavage will receive a rare Unclemelon.com How to Eat Pussy t-shirt*.

How'd you do?  To be honest, I'm clueless about a couple of these celebrities.

Here's the key.


Battle Extreme Celebrity Cleavage boobage funny

* Readers of the blog PoundTheBudweiser and members of their family are not eligible for this contest.

The Daily Mail is truly the paper of record.
Daily Mail masthead

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 2/24/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny daily mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Kendall Jenner hot tattoos Bentley bumper stickers
'Don't put a bumper sticker on a Bentley': Kendall Jenner says she's sticking with sister Kim Kardashian's no tattoo policy
My Comment:  Given all the ink sister Khloe has, I guess its okay to put bumper stickers on an old Ford van.

This gives me an idea for a cartoon.


Kendall Jenner hot cartoon Bentley bumper stickers

Why not Kardashian Kars Komics?

Kendall Jenner cartoon hot Bentley bumper stickers Kardashian Kars Komics
Khloe Kardashian cartoon hot Bentley bumper stickers Kardashian Kars Komics
Kendall Jenner Khloe Kardashian cartoon hot Bentley bumper stickers Kardashian Kars Komics
Kim Kardashian cartoon hot Bentley bumper stickers Kardashian Kars Komics

The Daily Mail, all the Kardashian fit to print.




Joan Rivers Oscar tribute funny
Fans outraged after Joan Rivers snubbed during the Academy Awards 'In Memoriam' segment
My Comment:   Joan Rivers was a snarky biatch that got paid to make fun of real actors.   Why would the Oscars honor her?  Joan's biggest role in a film was the voice of the robot in Space Balls (she never looked better). 


Anna Kendrick Oscars hot dress
Anna Kendrick offers a glimpse of her chest in stunning key-hole coral gown at the Academy Awards
My Comment:   Anna looks peachy!  Like a delicious, ripe, juicy peach, the fuzz tickling your nose as you devour her inner flesh and lick her flowing juices.

I practically write a frickin' love letter to Anna Kendrick and stupid Daily Mail doesn't post it?  Darn you, Rupert Murdoch!


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.



Bruce Jenner rich
Police confirm Bruce Jenner DID rear-end car in fatal wreck and could face six years in prison if found guilty of manslaughter
My Comment:  Bruce Jenner is rich, it's the US, he will never go to jail.  Rating ▲12

You British rightwing nutjobs continue to amaze me with your negative attitudes toward the rich.   In the US, you'd be Democrats.

Extra Kardashian Bonus Surprise!!!


Because I care about my reader, I present, free of charge, print your own Khloe Kardashian Bentley bumper stickers.  Stick them on your Bentley and amuse your chauffeur and the boys at the club.

Khloe Kardashian tattoo bumper sticker funny

Khloe Kardashian tattoo bumper sticker funny

Khloe Kardashian tattoo bumper sticker funny

Khloe Kardashian tattoo bumper sticker funny

Khloe Kardashian tattoo bumper sticker funny

Khloe Kardashian tattoo bumper sticker funny

Thursday, February 12, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 2/12/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian spanx pee
'I always pee all over my Spanx': Kim Kardashian reveals 'disastrous' underwear fail in candid magazine interview
My Comment:  Kanye really picked a winner.  He used to have to pay extra for a golden showers now he gets them for free from the old lady.

There's nothing like an old pair of urine-soaked Spanx -- and for the low price of $499.99 even you can own a girdle thoroughly soiled by the one and only Kim Kardashian.  Guaranteed to smell worse than a NYC subway station.  Act now, while supplies last.

Hmm, maybe we should have realized that Kim pee-peed herself on a regular basis.  There were subtle clues.

Kim Kardashian spanx pee golden shower camel toe cameltoe

And the hauntingly beautiful lullaby Kanye sings to his daughter North every night:

No matter the cash your dead dad left in the banks
The last drop of pee ends up staining your Spanx
Your mama's a dime with brain cells firing blanks
She'll go down in history as the 
Queen of the Skanks...


Posh Spice smile
Susanna Reid behaves like a giddy schoolgirl as she interviews David Beckham on Good Morning Britain
My Comment:  Given that his wife can't smile because of all the plastic surgery, I'm sure David appreciated the genuine expressions of emotion.

Victoria Beckham smile



Kim Kardashian fake boobs cleavage funny
Kim Kardashian reveals her cold front as she steps out in sub-zero New York temperatures
My Comment:  Kim's shiny, fake boobs look like bowling balls on a rack.  I wonder if they  have finger holes and weigh 16 pounds each.

Kim Kardashian fake boobs cleavage funny

What is the freezing point of an isotonic solution of saline?  Those babies look rock hard.


Katy
'I got a word from God': Katy Perry reveals she had a halftime pep talk from The Almighty before her Super Bowl performance
My Comment:   Jesus is so busy making sure all the players do well that Dad had to take over halftime duties.  Maybe if God and Jesus didn't spend so much time worrying about sports, the world would be a better place.




Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

raw McDonalds burger
Northampton man's McDonald's quarter pounder was completely RAW
My Comment:  Gordon Ramsey would call it steak tartare and charge you 15£.  Rating ▲183

Ouch, bad week.

McTartare McDonalds raw burger steak tartare

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I Got Your Cheese Right Here!

Who Moved My Cheese?

Who Moved My Cheese funny I got your cheese right here

My boss, who is always 15 years behind the curve, finally made us read the book Who Moved My Cheese? 

It's a story about two whiny, frightened little human employees that learn a valuable lesson in proper subordination from two brave, ass-kissing mice.  The moral of the story?

Work hard and stop complaining and maybe you'll keep your job.

Be more like happy mice in a maze, less like human beings in cubicles.

Often Corporate America hands out these books to employees before they lay them off.

At my job it's way less dramatic.  We're consolidating from three floors to two floors so everybody is going to have a lot less space -- except the bosses.

There's a good story about this stupid book here.

Friday, February 6, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 2/6/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny Daily Mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Steve Doocy Elisabeth Hasselbeck funny hot
He needs to let it go! Fox News host claims Disney hit Frozen spreads anti-male propaganda by turning men into 'fools and villains'
My Comment:  Steve Doocy would be the perfect male character in a Disney movie, stupid, superfluous, pretty -- and evil because he works for FOX News.

Steve Doocy Fox News hates Frozen feminists Disney funny

Now, all I have to do is write a funny song for Steve Doocy and Elisabeth Hasselbeck and I can pitch it to Disney.


Jennifer Lawrence naked snake feet hot funny
Naked Jennifer Lawrence smoulders as she poses with giant red-tailed boa constrictor 
My Comment:  If I was that snake, I would hid in the nearest hole.

A warm, dark, moist hole.  Because snakes like hiding in holes. 


Lindsey Lohan catches exotic virus at rehab
Lindsay Lohan 'hospitalized in London' as she continues to battle rare Chikungunya virus contracted in French Polynesia
My Comment:  Chickuglycuntya virus?  I didn't know Lindsay Lohan had a disease named after her.

I really thought my clever virus name would get through the censors.

Kris Jenner Kardashian home schooled
Kris Jenner brings Hollywood glamour to the NTAs in a luxurious fur coat and white cutaway gown... but fluffs her lines live on television
My Comment:   Kardashians can hob a knob as well as anybody but reading is not an important life skill.  Remember those girls were home schooled.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Ugandan kills croc that killed his wife marries croc's wife
Mubarak Batambuze kills Ugandan crocodile that ate his wife
My Comment:   The croc was just trying to survive. This guy would make a great American.  Rating ▼464

Whoa, jackpot!  If Bristol Palin was eaten by a moose, Sarah Palin would really, really want to kill that moose.  It's the American way.  We can't help it. We kill stuff just for the fun of it.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

All-Black Ghostbusters Cast Announced

funny all-female Ghostbusters all-Black Ghostbusters

The all-new, all-Black Ghostbusters are here. 

Bill Cosby, Richard Ayoade, the chubby guy from Key and Peele and Adam Sandler ain't afraid of no ghosts!

With the success of the all-Black Annie and the upcoming all-female Ghostbusters, the studio gave the greenlight to another money grabbing reboot.

Bill Cosby will portray Dr. Peter Venkman, the only parapsychologist that was "good with the ladies."   The chubby and verbose guy from Key and Peele will play the chubby and verbose Ghostbuster Dr. Ray Stantz made famous by Dan Aykroyd.  Dr. Egon Spengler will be performed by Richard Ayoade who has already proven he can be a funny nerd with a Jewfro as Moss on the British  IT Crowd.

Adam Sandler will be the token, not-so-funny white guy on the team, Winston Zeddemore.

Bill Murray, an original Ghostbuster, was depressed by the casting, "I wish my dear friend Garrett Morris was alive so he could cash in on this."  When Mr. Murray was told Garrett Morris was still alive, he displayed his famous quick wit, "Still alive?  Really?  Just like Generalissimo Francisco Franco!  Huh, alive?  I haven't seen him in 30 years."


Eddie Murphy Ghostbusters funny

The casting of minor roles was also announced.  Eddie Murphy has signed on as the uptight douche bag EPA guy that is purposely not funny.  "Unless it's a donkey, Eddie don't do funny," said an Eddie Murphy representative.  Ghostbuster love interest/secretary Janine Melnitz will be performed by Madea Simmons.  Diminutive Kevin Hart will be diminutive Louis Tully portrayed by diminutive Rick Moranis in the original.

Director Paul Feig stated, "We'll hire one of those incredibly talented and unbelievably gorgeous black chicks that nobody's ever heard of that co-star in all those Eddie Murphy movies to be Sigourney Weaver."

The studio released a statement that additional reboots in the planning stage include an all-Latino Ghostbusters. an all-Asian Ghostbusters and an all-James Franco Ghostbusters.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

A New Bill Belichick Book by Lacey Noonan and Me

new Bill Belichick balls book funny by Lacey Noonan

Deflated Balls to Remember
A new book by Lacey Noonan (with Bob Melonosky)

Selected Excerpts from Deflated Balls to Remember:

"When Bill's balls broke the plane of my end zone, I felt the pressure decrease, pound after pound after pound, until he showered me with his love, just like Richard Seymour and Rodney Harrison showered Bill with gatorade when the Pats won 19 in a row back in 2004."

"Bill's balls grazed the upright but bounced in for the score, my grip firm despite the wetness, thanks to the scuffing up Tom Brady preferred."  Bill Belichick's face stayed exactly the same, his lips forming a line straight and true, his eyes staring blankly,  as he had the greatest orgasm of his entire life.


Finally, I think I've sucked every last drop of humor out of Bill Belichick's balls.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Bill Belichick's Balls

Bill Belichick balls funny New England Patriots underinflated deflated


Is anybody really surprised that Bill Belichick has deflated balls?

And Because I Can't Help Myself More Ball Jokes

I've always said Bill Belichick has a set of balls on him -- that are squishy and underinflated.

Tom Brady likes his balls scuffed up and soft, so he can get a good grip on them.

Before each game, Bill Belichick submits his balls for inspection.  Officials check the pressure of Bill's balls and weigh each one individually to assure that they meet with NFL regulations.

ESPN is reporting that Roger Goodell is heading to Atlantic City where he'll burn Bill Belichick's balls in an elevator.

Bill Belichick Press Conference About His Balls (courtesy of my brother)

Bill Belichick balls funny

Bill Belichick: My balls are inflated to the pressure that's best for the team.  Next question?

Bill Belichick: My balls have the same inflation they always have, and they treated last game like any other game.

Bill Belichick: My balls need to execute better in all phases of the game.

Bill Belichick: My balls are moving on to Seattle, who's a great team, in all phases of the game, and they are tough, physical and know how to execute.

Bill Belichick Bellichick funny

Bill Belichick: My balls are neither over or under inflated.  They are sagging, in all phases of the game, and they need to execute better.

Bill Belichick: My balls, like in every game, are examined by the referees, who are just doing their job, every game, and I think they try to do their job in every phase of the game, and execute.

Bill Belichick: My balls are something you should ask the NFL about.  I'm focusing on my team, and getting them ready for the next game.

Bill Belichick deflated balls funny


Bill Belichick: My balls on film tend to favor the a-gap, and that's something they've been working on, but we need better execution.

Bill Belichick: My balls were drafted in the late second round, with one of two picks we traded down for, which represents ball value, not deflation.

Bill Belichick: My ball status is something for the trainers and medical staff and I'll wait to see what they say about them and then we'll do what's best for the team.

Bill Belichick: My balls are nothing new, and they've been handled like this since the 60's, and Lombardi handled them the same way, then there was the spread offense, and of course Joe Paterno knew something about ball-handling and it's evolved, so my balls are nothing new.

Bill Belichick: My balls were walk-ons at Rutgers.