Friday, December 19, 2014

Reruns. A Charlie Brown Christmas or Linus is a Teabagger

From way back in the archives, circa 2010, a Christmas tradition, rerunning old retreads.  I draw a pretty good Linus.  Finding an angry Linus was impossible.
  funny review Charlie Brown Christmas Special Linus is a religious nutjob teaparty republican I saw this old ad on dougsploitation blog and I got to thinking.  Wasn't the whole point of the Charlie Brown Christmas special that Christmas had gotten too crassly commercial?  Look at Snoopy's doghouse!  Can't get crasser than that; Coca Cola and Kellogg's, the Breakfast of Champions.  Schulz sold out so fast that they couldn't even wait to find a Kellogg's logo that fit the drawing.

I'm one of the few people that didn't like this TV show.  It was way too religious for me.  Linus sent a cold shiver down my spine.  What kind of kid memorizes the entire second chapter of the Gospel of Luke then recites it at a party?

I'll tell you what kind. A right-wing religious nutjob kind of kid.  Don't be fooled by his mellow, thumbsucking ways.  Sure he used to lisp quietly and carry a big blanket, but those kind of kids sometimes turn into the ugliest kind of adults.

Teabaggers!


funny Linus teabagger teaparty sign peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas Special

And not the good, horny, gay kind of teabagger, the bad hate-filled, Jesus-loving, racist kind of tea party teabagger.


Now visit dougsploitation.  It is a very cool site.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

George W. Bush Books I Writed -- Part 3

You still don't believe I wrote twenty-seven books about George W. Bush for the Alabama National Air Guard True Life Adventure Series?  Here's Part 3.  If you missed Part 1 and Part 2, you didn't miss much.

George W. Bush Barbara Bush incest book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in Why Are My Mother's Panties in Your Closet?, 1994 --  Bush learns the truth about who wears the trousers in his family.


George W. Bush cocaine book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in The Thin White Lines, 2000 -- A hilarious behind the scenes look into Bush's gridiron exploits at Yale.  Just kidding, it's about all the cocaine Bush snorted.


George W. Bush Nancy Reagan book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in Nancy Liked When I Called Her Mommy, 1990 -- She was a bag of bones with gray pubes hanging past her knees, but her husband Ronald was important, so Karl said he had to do it.  So he did, three times!


George W. Bush beat up book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in Spring into Action, 2005 -- Bush gets into a little hot water with a mattress salesman when he gets caught in a display window banging a local.   Turns out she's the underage daughter of the guy who finds the comfort level a little too firm.  That's why Daddy Bush has lawyers and a very large bank account.


George W. Bush player book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in How to Pick Up Chicks, 2005 -- You know, after they've passed out at a Frat kegger.  When old Yalies talk about the good old days, they make sure that no conscious women are in the room.

George W. Bush STD venereal disease book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in She Gave Me Crabs, 1999 -- A wonderful day at the shore ruined by an invasion of crustaceans.

 
George W. Bush torture book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in How I Met Your Mother, 1997 -- The kid wanted to know so Bush paid me to write a book about it.  Hot stuff.


George W. Bush Mexican immigrants book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in Too Many Mexicans, 1993 -- Bush never thought that there could be too many Mexicans but all those senoritas can tire a gringo out.


George W. Bush cowboy loving funny book
Lt. George W. Bush in Texas Loving, 2000 -- The old red mare, she ain't what she used to be.  Especially when Bush was done putting her through her paces.  That filly dared to spit the bit.  She won't make that mistake again.


George W. Bush hot babes funny
Lt. George W. Bush in Chicks With Guns Saved His Life, 2005 -- Bush gropes the wife of a local bank teller at a Piggly Wiggly.   The young man beats him up in the cereal aisle under the Rice Krispies. Two hot chicks recognize Bush and save him from a good thrashing in exchange for $500.


George W. Bush dead hooker funny
Lt. George W. Bush in No Dead Hooker This Week, 1999 --  Bush tried to hire hookers that were dumber than him but it wasn't easy to find them.  On the bright side, one less legal fee this week.


George W. Bush Kelsey Grammer cocaine book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in Beating Kelsey Grammer in Strip Poker, 2008 -- Of course, Kelsey let him win.  Don't tell Bush.


George W. Bush rat book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in The Rat Offensive, 1991 --  Whenever, wherever, two or more veterans of the 247th find themselves bending elbows, the Rat Offensive will be remembered.  They might recall that Bush was on leave in Crawford.  They might be wrong.  This is Bush's version of the story.


George W. Bush torpedo book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in Damn the Torpedos!, 2000 -- You didn't have to be a Navy man to like the look of those torpedoes.


George W. Bush motorcycle biker book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in I Joined a Scary Biker Gang, 2006 -- The Hellcats were feared from Mobile to Biloxi.  Bush could never ditch his power tie so he was never really accepted by the other gals.

George W. Bush heroin book funny
Lt. George W. Bush in She Had Junk In Her Trunk, 2000 -- You couldn't ride this kind of pony back on the ranch. Sure, Bush had snorted some Mexican Mud and mainlined some Black Tar back in Crawford but chasing the dragon was even more fun than chasing tail. (words in italics are cool drug slang words except for these words used in the explanation of the words in italics)



George W. Bush transvestite crossdresser book funny

Lt. George W. Bush in Got Drunk, Got Implants, Got Lucky, 1989 --  When Bush came home with his pair of Double Ds, his old man took him out to the wood shed and somebody screamed like a girl for over an hour.  Junior couldn't sit down for a week.

Friday, December 12, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 12/12/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Jeff Goldblum wife
Jurassic? No, I'm still young at heart! Jeff Goldblum, 62, looks like a giddy teen while kissing new wife, 31, at LA party
My Comment:  When Jeff was his wife's age, she was an egg.


Here's an artist's conception of Jeff Goldblum's first date in 1983.  It wasn't easy finding a human ovum that wasn't covered in sperm.


Jeff




Nigella Lawson big breast cleavage sexy hot
Nigella Lawson makes a VERY saucy return to The Taste thanks to her low-cut dress
My Comment: I give Nigella a 10 for presentation and her portion size is extremely generous. When do I get to taste her delectable offerings?


snail slime Louise Redknapp
Is snail slime the secret to keeping your skin youthful? Product harvested from creatures is key ingredient in new anti-ageing range
My Comment:  I have the chin of a newborn baby and I try to keep it slathered in snail slime as much as possible.  Louise would you like to volunteer?


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Arianna Grande sexy hot
Bang Bang... into her face! Ariana Grande gets smacked by an Angel wing as she sings in Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
My Comment:  Every time Ariana Grande acts like a diva, an angel gets to swat her with a wing.  That girl has feathers in every nook and cranny.  Rating ▲1


UFO experts claim to have spotted rock resembling President Barack Obama's head
My Comment:  Martians are worshiping Barack Obama like a god but in the US, the Republicans think he's Satan. Stupid Republicans are dumb.  Rating ▼1


Darren Wilson changed elements of his story in aftermath of shooting Michael Brown
My Comment:  Sometimes when you tell a lot of lies it's hard to keep them straight. It's usually easier just to tell the truth.  Rating ▲24

In the words of H. L. Mencken, "sarcasm doesn't get got by the masses."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

George W. Bush Books I Writed -- Part 2

You still don't believe I wrote twenty-seven books about George W. Bush for the Alabama National Air Guard True Life Adventure Series?  Here's Part 2.


George W. Bush golf funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in Four Holes At Once, 1999 -- In the words of J. Edgar Hoover, "never, ever join a country club that lets a dirty whore walk through the front door."  FBI Director, transvestite, poet.


George W. Bush waist deep in the big muddy funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in Waist Deep in the Big Muddy, 2005 -- Bush finds himself on maneuvers with the meanest Mississippi Map Turtles you ever met, a hot dame (and by a hot I mean passed out from the oppressive Alabama heat), and a colonel that refuses to kiss his ass.


George W. Bush wanted pussy funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in All She Wanted Was Bush, 2000 -- When she told him that all she wanted was bush, Bush thought he was the luckiest man alive, you know, because he's dumb and usually really high. 


George W. Bush dead hooker cocaine funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in The Third Dead Hooker This Month, 1991 -- The 247th Flying Rednecks had a motto, "Tag 'em, Bag 'em, Then Tag 'em, Again."  Bush wrote the motto so everybody pretended to like it.


George W. Bush neo nazi funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in a Costume Party at the Officer's Club, 2003 -- The only thing Bush liked better than coke and pussy was dressing up like a Nazi while snorting coke and engaging in sexual intercourse with lots of pussy.  It was a Yale thing.


George W. Bush grandma funny book bob melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in Make Room for Grandma!, 2003 -- Bush was still picking gray pubes out of his teeth during his second presidential campaign.  People used to think it was dental floss.



George W. Bush business failure funny Bob Melonosky
Lt.George W. Bush in Two for the Price of One, 1997 -- Before he failed as the president of a baseball team, before he failed in the oil business, before he failed as the president of our great land, Bush failed to negotiate a satisfactory deal with the Flannery sisters.

Did you miss Part 1?

Monday, December 8, 2014

Kim Kardashian at MOMA

Saturday was cold and rainy, so like every other lumberjacksexual in NYC,  I went to see the Henri Matisse Cut Out Exhibit at MOMA.

To kill more time before the Florida State game, I wandered through the permanent collection to admire the incredible amount of beautiful women that are always in these museums.

Kim Kardashian Picasso MOMA

That's when I found a Kim Kardashian painted by none other than Pablo Picasso.   Google informed me that Kayne commissioned the work but rejected it because Kim's boobs looked way too small.


Some Notes on Henri Matisse Cut Outs

Henri Matisse cut outs MOMA

I always say that there is nothing like a good Matisse and these cut outs were nothing like a good Matisse.  When you first look at the exhibit hall you're like whoa, "I hope they're selling shower curtains in the gift shop.  These eye-catching colors will brighten up my dark, dingy bathroom."

Then you look closer.


Matisse cut out closeup


Look at the thumbtacks!  The old Frenchie painted them over to fool us but those are definitely thumbtacks.  Henri was really mailing it in towards the end of his life.

If I was Matisse, and I was making a masterpiece out of construction paper, I would go to the trouble of making little loops of scotch tape and attaching them to the back of the cut outs so that you couldn't see them in the final product. 


Matisse loops of scotch tape

Art snobs are laughing at my ignorance right now because they know that Matisse didn't actually attach the little cutouts himself.  He had a bevy of comely female assistants do the hard work.  He sat in his chair and had this long bamboo stick that he used to hit his assistants with when they worked too slow.  He also used the stick to point to the place he wanted stuff to go.

If I was Matisse, I would have also used that stick to point out where the little loops of Scotch Tape should go.

Sadly,  I walked off into the rain back to my apartment without a new shower curtain and without a hot, sexy art lover.

And Florida State, with their roster full of rapists and felons, won their game, again.


Other Artsy-Fartsy Posts 

The Louve or An American Asshole in Paris
How to Draw John Bolton in a Suit
Monet, Picasso and Burton: I Play Hookey From Work at the Museum of Modern Art
The Last Staff Meeting
I Peed the Mona Lisa

Friday, December 5, 2014

Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos

Bob Melonosky half hollow hills yearbook 1970's funny

That's me on the right.

I worked all year on the yearbook committee just so I could sneak funny stuff into it the night before we went to the printers.   Day after day, hour after hour, I slowly earned the trust of Mr. Rabinowitz. Until, pow!  Right in the kisser!

Bob Melonosky half hollow hills yearbook 1970's funny

There I am sitting next to Rabby for the Yearbook Committee photo. A fortuitous benefit of my evil and hilarious plan was the incredible horniness of those nerdy babes.  I made out with Lisa Levine and Angela Garafallo in the school darkroom.  I also completed an extremely rare (especially in those days!) Hauppage Humbucker with Vicky Bellami while printing out contact sheets in that same darkroom.

All these years later, the smell of fixer still causes an 8" x 10" enlargement of my telephoto lens.  Hey Vicky, if you ever read this, hit me up on facebook.  I  keep a bottle of fixer in my nightstand.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

My Dick Reviews The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Katniss crying Mockingjay Jennifer Lawrence funny
Through the whole 2 hours and 15 minutes, I never peeked my head out of my briefs.  I stayed hunkered down in District 13, safe, slightly bored, flaccid.

The sexiest thing about this movie were Gale's eyes. Gale is a dude.

Given that this movie has more important female roles than an afternoon of Spanish soap operas, the lack of stimulation is astounding.


Katniss Everdeen hot or not Jennifer Lawrence funny Mockingjay
Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen
Jennifer Lawrence's face was incredibly puffy. And her nose was raw and rashy from all the blowing. And her eyes were red and moist. BECAUSE ALL SHE DOES IN THIS MOVIE IS CRY!

I never thought I would write a paragraph about Jennifer Lawrence that included the words, puffy, raw and moist and not get hard. Thank you, Mockingjay!

Boo hoo, they knocked down the Hall of Justice in my hometown. Boo hoo, everyone in District 8 is dead.   Boo hoo, Peeta looks like he lost weight.  Boo hoo, they didn't destroy an old photo of my dad. Boo hoo, my bratty sister, that I risked my life for when I volunteered in her stead at the culling, is showing a complete lack of appreciation by going off to save her stupid cat during a fucking air raid.  Boo fucking hoo.

Did I mention Kat was wearing a Katwoman suit?  I didn't?  Because it didn't matter.   She never kicked any ass in it. In between tears, she sat in a bunker and watched Peeta get saved on TV.   Watching Peeta get saved is my job.  Miss Katniss Everdeen, you're job is saving Peeta's skinny ass.

Did a crying Superman ever sit in his Fortress of Solitude watching Aquaman save Lois Lane on his big screen TV?

Did a crying Spider-Man ever sit at home in Queens watching The Sub-Mariner save Mary Jane on Aunt May's old black and white?

Did a crying Batman ever sit at home in his cave watching The Flash save Robin on his 3D High Def Bat-o-Vision.

Katniss is a girlie girl. Now, it's my turn to cry.  Boo hoo.



Elizabeth Banks hot or not funny Mockingjay
Elizabeth Banks as Stylist Chick
It's well established that I like me some eyebrows.   Elizabeth looks like Edward Scissorhands in drag.  Wait, she just looks like Edward Scissorhands.  Cue the Pac-Man dying sound effect.


Margaery Game of Thrones hot or not funny Mockingjay
Hot Princess with Push-Up Bra from Game of Thrones as Hot Director (hot as in currently popular or in demand) 
The sports bra and weird futuristic hairdo/tat made her look too much like a Bride of Christ hooker from an old Transmetropolitan comic book.  Yuck.


Julianne
MILF Porn Star from Dirk Diggler as President Hippie Bride of Frankenstein
Her profile gets shown a lot in this movie.  Never seems to be her good side.


Gale Mockingjay hot or not funny

Admit it, even Gale looks less dreamy without eyebrows.  Although, the way I photoshopped him, he kind of looks like a hunky Romulan.

So, on the standard Nicole Kidman in The Hours scale where 1 is me getting a hand job from Edward Scissorhands and 5 is me taking a bubble bath with a nymphomaniac, I give The Hunger Games: Mockingjay -- Part 1 one Elizabeth Banks masturbating in the bath.


Elizabeth Banks bathtub hot

Other articles by my dick:
My Dick Reviews American Hustle
My Dick Reviews The Hobbit 2
My Dick Reviews House of Cards
My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

Monday, December 1, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 12/1/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

Giada De Laurentiis hot sexy tomato sauce

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Giada De Laurentiis sexy hot oral swallow spit funny
The secret of how size two Food Network chef Giada de Laurentiis stays so slim: She 'spits her own food into a bucket while filming' 
My Comment:  Why would she go through all that effort if she's not going to swallow the delicious results?  Spitting is for quitters.

I always figured Giada was a swallower.   She's still my 2nd most favorite hot celebrity chef that I want to marry.


Kendra Wilkinson Hank Tranny transvestite hot funny
Kendra Wilkinson's father urges the I’m A Celebrity star to take back her estranged husband Hank Baskett
My Comment:  Once your husband has had a taste of the "D,"  he will never be satisfied by just a woman.  Kendra leave him forever and find a new husband that will improve TV ratings.  Gary Busey would be money in the bank!


Robin Thicke 19 year old April Love Geary hot sexy funny
Stunning model, 19, posts morning selfie from 37-year-old Robin Thicke's bed as he moves on from marriage split
My Comment:  Her mother must be very proud.  How many STDs do you think Robin gave her as a parting gift?


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.



Peter Dinklage takes to the streets of NYC on a scooter during family outing... and daughter Zelig's got one too
My Comment:  Peter looks taller on TV.  Rating ▼1

This bit is so easy that sometimes I get paranoid that The Daily Mail has blocked me.  I hadn't gotten a comment through in a couple of weeks so I pitched this softball.  Pheuw.   


Rudy Giuliani gay for Kerik fascist funny
Rudy Giuliani wants to focus on 'black-on-black' crime not police brutality 
My Comment:   I live in NYC. Before 9/11, Rudolph Giuliani was the most disliked mayor in the history of the City. He is a hate-filled, fearful little person.  Rating ▼223

Rudy can't fail!  Rudy can't fail! I've gone weeks without getting any red down arrows which is the point of these stupid bits.  Thanks Rudy!

If you don't recognize the man Rudolph Giuliani is french kissing then you don't have any right to have an opinion on MY former mayor.   I'll give you a clue.  Rudy's boy* pleaded guilty to eight felonies and ended up working on his golf game at a Federal Prison.

Before 9/11 everybody hated Rudy including his wife (he had two girlfriends), his kids (they sided with mom) and almost every other New Yorker.  He was a bully and an elitist.   Jimmy Breslin called him "a small man in search of a balcony."

Breslin also wrote a great story about a night at Yankee Stadium when both his girlfriends (Cristyne Lategano and Judy Nathan whom he later married), his second wife (Donna Hanover who had an affair with Rudy while he was still married to his first wife) and his son were all seated in corporate boxes and all had been transported in separate police escorts.  It's good to be the mayor!

*That's Bernie Kerik!  Former Police Commissioner, former Interior Minister of Iraqi, former scumbag that took advantage of 9/11 to shack up with his mistress on the City's dime, and current convicted felon and all around low life piece of shit.