Friday, April 17, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/17/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Only the best for North West! Kim Kardashian's 22-month-old daughter totes £600 camera
My Comment:  If that kid knows how to use that camera than she is already smarter than her mother.  But if North wants to stay famous in America, she'll have to sleep with a rapper while Grandma Kris videotapes it.  Her dad doesn't count.

Easy.  Easy.  I just meant that a lot of 2-year old girls sleep in  bed with mom and dad after they wake up in the middle of the night and find an entire film crew in their room shooting pickups --  and they realize that their entire life will be totally fucked up unless they run away to Uncle Rob and live in a cave in the woods.


Victoria
'Hanging with Posh': Victoria Beckham gets nostalgic as she cuddles up to her Spice Girl wax persona 
My Comment:  Wow, which is the real Victoria?  Oh wait, never mind, the wax one is actually lifelike and shows a hint of emotion.

Kardashian Armenian cousins hot
Meet Kourtni and Kara Kardashian! Kim introduces her Armenian cousins
My Comment:   Sign those Kousins up!  A dozen implants, $100,000 of plastic surgery and hours and hours of photoshop and they will fit right in.  Khloe might be out of a job.


Monica Bellucci nip slip see through
Glamorous Monica Bellucci, 50, shows she's the ultimate Bond Girl as she goes braless in a sheer blouse for lunch
My Comment:   Nothing wets my appetite like two delicious Italian appetizers prominently displayed. Mangiare bene, Monica!

Mangia quello che piace a te, vesti come piace agli altri!


Elmo arrested Times Square
Cookie Monster arrested in Times Square for allegedly grabbing teen's breasts - but he says it's a case of mistaken identity
My Comment:   Cookie Monster going after melons instead of cookies?  Where's Rudolph Giuliani when we need him?  Probably dressed up as Elmo.


Sex offender Elmo



Khloe Kardashian funny
Khloe Kardashian has a spring in her step as she hits the gym in LA one day after arriving home from Armenia
My Comment:  Glad to see that Khloe escaped from Armenia.  I was afraid she would be mistaken for a mule and you know how they love their mules.

You think you'd be able to tell the difference between Khloe Kardashian and a mule?   Go ahead, try.


Khloe Kardashian ugly mule funny Armenia

Damn, did the sunglasses give it away?  Mules sometimes wear sunglasses, don't they?  I think they do, especially when they're on their way to the gym and their eyes are puffy and red and full of sebaceous secretions because they've been up all night doing drugs and having copious amounts of unprotected sex.

Mules wear sunglasses, I'm sure.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Amanda Holdn nipple insurance breasts funny
Just call her Amanda Hold-em! BGT judge grabs her breasts as she laughs off insurance claims... before dancing while wearing nipple tassels
My Comment:  Never before has so much been made of so little.  Rating ▲65


Always remember the iconic motto of The Daily Mail:

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo

Bob Melonosky Teen Rambo

There I am, the tallest member of the Half Hollow Hills East JROTC Pershing Riflettes.  I wouldn't be the leader I am today if not for my pseudo-military service.  lol   That's funny because as a leader, I'm not.*

As a pseudo-military battalion we were distinguished by our nearsightedness and lack of physical prowess.  During one memorable School Spirit Day, we got beat in dodge ball by the Drama Club and lost to the Robotics Club in a tug-o-war.  What could we do well?  We tied a mean tie, better than most teens in the 70's. You want a Windsor knot?  That's a job for the Riflettes!

The finest physical specimen in our ranks was Major Angela "Legs" Legittino.  She's sitting on the left in the front row.  We called her Legs because Legittino was longer.

Angela used to like tying me up with her aiguilettes, then tickling me with her long nails until the twin solid propellants in my Pershing Missile went ballistic, firing my entire teen payload into orbit.   (I'm required by law to include at least one euphemism in every  one of these Throwback bits)



 Infographic provided to you homeslices because I care.

*Nor was I a follower.  I was a free radical without a nose. Got out of the military just in time. 

Throwback Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman
Throwback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber

Friday, April 10, 2015

The Saddest Pea Ever or The Daily Grind Just Got Rougher

This morning when I dragged myself off my chair, down the hall and into the men's room I had a rude awakening.


The saddest urinal ever


What the fuck is that blue thing in my urinal?

Where's Pinky Pisscadero?


Pinky Pisscadero

You remember the pinkies, my favorite type of urinal cake.  I obsessed over them back in the spring of 1993.

I Invent a New Game at Work - wherein I describe a new game I invented involving urinal cakes.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 2 - wherein I describe the incredibly drab interior design at work and pretend to pee on my boss.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 3 - wherein I reveal that I'm actually pretending to pee on despicable hedge fund manager Michael Weinberg and bitch endlessly about my boss.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 4 - wherein I go on an on about pink urinal cakes.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 5 Game Over! - wherein I describe my efforts to bring the game to the masses by starting a league for young urban professionals.

This new blue piece of plastic just lies there and gets wet much like a young Kim Kardashian in that video I've never seen.

When I complained to the building guy, he was like "It's a urinal screen.  It's the latest industrial design to keep a urinal free flowing and odor free."   He went on to say that the unique web design and channeled texture prevents splash back and that the bubblegum scent is guaranteed to last 30 days.

I didn't smell any bubblegum the last time I pissed.  I'm not sure how close you have to get to smell any odor other than the earthy scent of man urine.

The pink urinal cakes used to smell strongly of cheap soap and hard candy -- just like my grandma.
Unique web design prevents splash back.

So now I'm expected to spend 45 seconds doing nothing but peeing when I pee.  No stimulation whatsoever unless I rub one out.

Before my next visit to the men's room, I'm going to go outside, hang with the smokers and sneak a cigarette butt.  Then I'm going to throw it in the urinal and have an old fashioned cigarette hosing party. 

Disclaimer:

I love my boss funny



For the record, that's a picture of my coffee mug, and I do love my boss (wink). So, while it is true that I hate my job with a passion worthy of Mel Gibson, and it is true that my job is mind-numbingly boring, unfathomably useless and demeaning in ways that only a piss bucket boy from the 1700's would understand, it does pay the bills and I love my boss (wink).

My boss and everyone else in charge work very hard -- to make the rest of us feel small, insignificant, and miserable. But as my dad used to say, "Work is work. If it didn't suck worse than Karl Rove with a mouth full of broken glass, it wouldn't be work."

You saw the wink, right?

Thursday, April 9, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/9/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Kanye Kim Kardashian go to church Easter funny
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West take North to church as they celebrate Easter
My Comment:  If Kim goes to church regular, prays for forgiveness, and stops sinning, Jesus will put a baby in her belly.  I mean Jesus the gardner, obviously Kanye's shooting blanks.

Are we sure they're going to church?  It looks like the Yeezus Tour went so badly,  Kanye is taking on work as a house painter.


Kendall Jenner hot church Easter
Is that REALLY suitable for church? Kendall Jenner bares midriff in crop top for Easter service... then posts naked bunny snap 
My Comment:  At the Khurch of Kardashian all manner of wardrobe are accepted equally, be they midriffs, nipple exposing tight tops, or painter rags full of rips and hos.  Remember that Our Savior Kim went down on a rapper for our sins ON VIDEO. 


Kendall Jenner Kardashian Easter card hot funny

And so have I.


Mindy Kaling hot dating funny
Mindy Kaling denies knowing her brother pretended to be black when he applied to medical school 
My Comment:  You know what's funny?  Mindy pretended to be white on Tinder.  After meeting for coffee, I hooked up with her anyway because she was nice and nice looking.


Kelly Brook hot pose missionary funny
Kelly Brook shows off her yoga skills and ample assets
My Comment:  My yoga instructor used to call that The Missionary Position.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Tom Cruise mad disowned Suri Scientology
Tom Cruise 'hasn't seen eight-year-old daughter Suri in over a year'... as he starts work on 90-day shoot in Atlanta
My Comment:  Because Tom is a Mormon, he only really cares about his son. If Suri was with Tom, she would have to share her husband with other women so she is better off with her mom.  Rating ▼392

 Mormons really don't like Tom Cruise or being compared to Scientology.   In addition to the red disapproval, I got over 20 comments on the idiocy of my comment.  I felt bad so I responded.

My Comment on the Comments:  Scientology? I apologize. Sometimes I get those wacky tax-exempt cults confused.   Rating ▲14

Mormons are a forgiving people.

Tom Cruise not Mormon South Park funny

I do apologize, but in my defense, like most people,  I get all of my Mormon and Tom Cruise knowledge  from South Park.  And that is clearly Tom Cruise leading the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Monday, April 6, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/26/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Scott Disnick Kylie Jenner hook up
Scott Disnick poses with Kylie at Kourtney's Pool 
My Comment:  When Scott Disnick gets blind drunk, which is daily, do you think he has a klue which kuntry he's in?

I thought my klever use of k's would sneak this by the kensors.


Amanda Holden nipples nips oops slip
'It's something I've suffered with all my life': Amanda Holden reveals she has to wear nipple covers for daytime TV modesty
My Comment:  She's suffered her whole life with being extremely horny?  Me, too.  We should hang out together.

Sometimes, when I think about all the suffering in the world, I need to rub one out.



Khloe Kardashian worried Rob
Desperate Khloe Kardashian breaks down while pleading with brother Rob to accept help
My Comment:   When you're the ugliest Kardashian, you have to pretend to be concerned about your loser brother.  It's in the script.



Bella Thorne hot
Bella Thorne oozes heaps of sophistication in a chic grey dress and a tailored cream coat
My Comment:   If I ooze heaps of cream on Bella Thorne's coat will I be sophisticated?

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Victoria Beckham easter happy
Egging him on! David Beckham and son Brooklyn share pictures of their Easter hunt... as Victoria gets her bake on at home
My Comment:  What was she baking? A cold, icy stare?  Rating ▲58


And because I care, and I already went through the trouble of erasing all the background anyway, a Victoria Beckham Halloween mask.    Guaranteed to shrivel up the most stubborn eggplant.  Not suitable for children, pregnant women or people with heart conditions.



Victoria Beckham halloween mask costume funny

Monday, March 30, 2015

Best Matzo Ball Recipe Ever - Another Holiday Rerun

This article first appeared in the April 1967 edition of Food and Wine Magazine. It is reprinted here with permission.

best matzo ball soup ever, delicious fluffy matzo balls, funny matzo balls

The best matzo balls I've ever eaten are made by my grandmother, Nana Melonosky. They are light as cumulus clouds with a deep flavor and an "al dente" bite.  On a recent visit to Brooklyn, I spent a few glorious hours in my Bubby's kitchen making the perfect bowl of Passover matzo ball soup.

Leaden versus fluffy?  Nana has a strong opinion.   She reminded me that a hard-centered matzo ball killed my Uncle Murray Mazer back in 1987.  An autopsy revealed that a leaden matzo ball had become lodged in his colon, causing "blockage and such pain, you shouldn't know from."  Carbon dating traced the ball back to April 1957.  The dried parsley and club soda identified my Aunt Sheila as the most probable suspect.

I asked Nana if her secret was club soda.

"Uch! That farshimmelt idea wasn't new in the 50's.  Drek mit leiber.  Come tatelleh, let Bubby show you how to make the best matzo balls ever."

So that you may serve your family a bowl full of love and deliciousness during the coming holidays, I have translated my Nana's pinches of this and handfuls of that into a recipe you can duplicate in your home.

Nana's Perfect Passover Matzo Balls

Preparation Time: 6 hours

2 cups all purpose flour
1 cup matzo meal
4 eggs separated, whites beaten to soft peaks
A shmear of chicken schmaltz (rendered chicken fat)
1/2 cup finely minced white onions (use a grater)
1/4 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1. In a large bowl combine all ingredients except the egg whites and onions.

2. Carefully fold in the egg whites.

3. In a large frying pan render down 1/2 pound bacon, preferably wood-smoked. Discard bacon.  Cook the onions in the bacon fat until translucent.  Add everything to the bowl and barely combine.

4. Refrigerate for 3 hours or overnight.

5. Fill your biggest pot with water and bring to boil.  With wet hands, form the mixture into the size and shape of one of Natalie Portman's pert, Jewish breasts.   Put gently in the pot.  Repeat.  Cook for 45 minutes.

Serves: 6 hungry bulvans, 4 drowsy alta kockers, 3 gentiles, and 4 kvetching yentas with their "Uch, can I get a half a ball, bubbellah?  They go straight to my hips and no carrots, they give me gas."


I was shocked when I saw Nana use the flour and the bacon.  Nana explained, "The goyim know a thing or too about making dumplings so I borrowed some ideas.  The flour lightens up the matzo balls.  You add matzo meal to water, whatta you get?  You get cement!  Good for making pyramids, not so good for fluffy matzo balls.  And the bacon?  What isn't better with bacon?"

I asked her about keeping Kosher, especially during Passover.  Nana gave an argument worthy of a Talmudic scholar, "Everyone starts out being good but by the third day? Enough with this matzo already.  If you're gonna cheat anyway, why ruin a perfectly good seder?  As Rabbi Jose, the Gallilean said, "What they don't know, won't hurt them."

Given that this is my Jewiest post ever I'm providing my non-Jewish readers with a Yiddish glossary.

Bubby - grandma
Farshimmelt - confused, mixed up
Drek mit leiber - shit with liver
Tatelleh - little father, affectionate
Schmear - dollop
Shmaltz - in this instance, chicken fat
Alta kocker - literally, an old shit or old fart
Bulvan - man built like an ox
Kvetching - complaining
Yenta - gossipy female
Uch - oh my
Bubellah - sweatheart usually used for grandchildren
Goyim - gentiles
Leybikhe - lioness



sexy hot grandma feet, nana melonosky
A younger Nana Melonosky looking like the star of "The Leybikhes of Grossingers."  No comments about her sexy feet, please.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/26/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

'There was a lot of sighing and tutting': Simon Cowell hits out at 'grumpy' airline passenger who complained about baby Eric on long-haul flight
My Comment:  I heard the kid was a bastard on the flight.  Which is funny because the kid really is a bastard.  Simon impregnated his best friend's wife while she was married to the friend.  Cheeky bastard.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Cindy Crawford goes braless in white mesh dress during sexy shoot
My Comment:  Cindy looks like she's fallen and she can't get up... but I rubbed one out to her 25 years ago and I'll probably rub one out in her honor tonight.  Rating ▲0

Not much of a comment but now I know that "rub one out" will get through the censors.  Sweet.


Has Kim Kardashian ruined her hair? Reality star's blonde locks look frazzled after bleaching THREE times.
My Comment:  She's ruined her butt, she's ruined her face, now she's ruined her hair. At least she's consistent.   Rating ▲25


Her little co-star! Kylie Jenner cuddles up to her new puppy Bambi after filming pooch's first scene for KUWTK
My Comment:  Can you imagine the horrible, horrible things that dog will see?!? Bambi should write a book. If Kylie can write a book, I'm sure a dog can. Rating ▲2


Damn, that dog is quick.  Probably figures that by next week she'll be replaced by the latest lip gloss.




Whoa, I found another at Amazon.  Smart dog, somebody has to pay for her kibble and kokaine.



The Daily Mail is truly the paper of record.


Friday, March 20, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/20/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny daily mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Bristol Palin engagement photo 2015 Dakota
Bristol Palin says she's engaged to Medal of Honor recipient 
My Comment:   Will the marriage last longer than the pregnancy?  Watch Bristol's new reality TV show coming this fall to find out!

I know what you're thinking.  Why would a smart, courageous young man get engaged to a brainless skank from the most dysfunctional family in America?


Bristol Palin Dakota Obama

Because he wants to run for congress and Obama is already married.


Simon COwell thums down up funny
She has no class, no taste, she'll never work again': Louis Walsh says Natalia Kills will never get hired after bullying a contestant on The X Factor
My Comment:   Simon Cowell has no class, no taste, impregnated his best friend's wife and is an insufferable bully -- and he has a great career.  I think she'll go far.


Chloe Sevigny lobster hot naked
Chloe Sevigny poses for provocative naked cover shoot with BIZARRE lobster prop between her legs

My Comment:  Sevigny juice has just replaced garlic butter as my favorite lobster accompaniment.

My Comment:  Dangle your red wiggler anywhere near Chloe's honey pot and it's liable to get snipped off.

My Comment:  Look! Look, one crawled behind the refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed at night.  Looks like Woody Allen was right.

The extremely rare triple rejection sulkow.


Busy Phillips funny
She's keeping Busy! Ms Philipps wears two bright dresses in one day as she is honoured for her children's charity work 
My Comment:   I wouldn't mid getting busy with Busy.  Philling her lips with mine.  Getting our Freak and Geek on as we... or screw it, this'll never get accepted.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Elton John Victoria Beckham
Is the boycott over already, Elton? John holds a D&G shopping bag in LA just one day after furious row with designers who called IVF babies 'synthetic'
My Comment:   Give Elton a break, that bag is adorable!  Rating ▼118



Dolce & Gabbana controversy
Dolce & Gabbana under fire AGAIN as critics discover ad that depicts 'woman being gang raped' 
My Comment:  Dolce & Gabana are obviously trying to appeal to college frat boys. Anything for money, this is the U$.  Rating ▲9


Chloe Sevigny lobster hot naked
Chloe Sevigny poses for provocative naked cover shoot with BIZARRE lobster prop between her legs
My Comment:  I've dated a girl with crabs but this is ridiculous! Rating ▲2


If at first you don't succeed, try, try again -- until your pleopods are snuggled deeply into the folds of  of Chloe Sevigny's nether regions.