Friday, October 24, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/24/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


King Tut Prince Charles separated at birth funny
The REAL face of King Tut: Pharaoh had girlish hips, a club foot and buck teeth according to 'virtual autopsy' that also revealed his parents were brother and sister
My Comment:   King Tut looks like Prince Charles in a nappy.  Maybe they're related.

Seriously, I'll give you that Prince Charles has better hair, but the buck teeth and girlish hips?  They could be twins.


Stephen A. Smith Jesus hates gays
They're besties already! Kourtney and Kim Kardashian's adorable daughters Penelope and North hold hands during family outing
My Comment:  Cousins hold hands!!!  News at eleven!!!

Don't worry Stephen A. Smith, they're probably not lesbians so Jesus still loves them, for now.


Victoria Beckham smiles
Business must be good! Victoria Beckham can't keep a huge smile off her face as she chats to customers at London store
My Comment:  I did the research, the last time Victoria Beckham smiled was June 15, 1967.    She looks pretty when she smiles, very lifelike.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kim Kardashian fat ass funny
What was she thinking? Kim Kardashian dons a bizarre ensemble of knee-length cutoff jorts, open-back top and heels on date with Kanye West
My Comment:  Thinking? Kim Kardashian stopped trying to think in the 3rd grade.  Rating ▲1


Kim Kardashian fat ass funny 2


Kayne, always the silly prankster, takes advantage of Kim's loss of sensitivity due to her massive implants.  Funny guy.

Kayne prank Kim Kardashian fat ass funny

Ouch, sometimes funny becomes mean.  Poor Kim.

And because I know you want it, and because I care, and because I already went to the trouble of erasing the background, here's a Kim Kardashian Snow White Halloween cutout.  Guaranteed to scare the neighborhood kiddies.


Kim Kardashian snow white Halloween 2014 funny

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Celebrate National Diversity Day 2014!

A re-post from last year.  Since Diversity Day 2013, a white guy in Budget got a DUI and got promoted.  A black woman that worked for him got a DUI and got fired by HR.  Party on, Garth!  Diversity rocks! 


funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2014

About a month ago an e-mail arrived with that image and a bunch of HR crap. The key to that image is the colorless faces. Our clothes may be diverse (not really) but our faces are not. We is white.

Not only are we white, but management believes that the only thing women are good for is making copies and buying cards when someone is sick, dead or retiring.  And if somebody at the local office is gay? That gay guy is so deep in the closet, he's living in Narnia. 

Previously, we have successfully celebrated National Uniformity Day and National Homogeneity Day. Everyone still talks about the party we had back in 2011 for National Invariability Day.

Diversity, however, was a scary , new frontier.

The e-mail provided helpful and hopeful verbiage.

"This event will be held with much fanfare at headquarters and various local offices." HR codespeak for "this will happen whether you like it or not." I quickly tried to schedule a doctor's appointment.

"Here at ***** we are not strangers to potluck feasts and on this day we encourage an international twist to the foods and desserts that you bring." Hell yeah, we potluck with the best of them, maybe it won't be so bad. I cancelled that appointment.

"In addition, you may want to consider wearing traditional clothes or bring a photo of ancestors or an artifact you can talk about over lunch."  Will the boss wear his grandfather's beloved Gestapo uniform? The National Diversity Day Potluck was becoming a don't miss event.

 Here's a photo from the party.

funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2013

Only kidding. That's just a photo of an ancestor that Stan from Purchasing brought in to share.

Here's a real photo of the HR Diversity Committee in their native garb.

funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2014

When the signup sheet was posted in the break room I wanted to volunteer to bring white bread -- but 27 guys beat me to it. So, I brought in a case of bottled water.


funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2014 potluck feast

I can't wait for National Diversity Day 2015.  Here's hoping that the experience will encourage management to think outside the box and hire someone that likes whole wheat.

Friday, October 17, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/17/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


khloe Kardashian fat ass funny
Khloe Kardashian shows off her shapely derriere in tight leggings as she hits the gym for yet another gruelling workout
My Comment:  Shapely derriere?  Shapely like a Volkswagen bus?  Shapely like a barge full of refuse?  Shapely like a massive, amorphous blob visible from space?  Seriously DM, buy a dictionary.

From Webster's New World Dictionary:
shape · ly (shap-le) adj.  having a pleasing or graceful shape or form.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.



Trinny Woodall oops camel toe
Creature of habit: Trinny Woodall slips on a stylish navy and cream ensemble as she heads out to favourite Mayfair eatery with Charles Saatchi
My Comment:  Wow, Charles has traded in the comfortable Minivan for a sportier model!  Good for him.  She looks like a wild ride.  Rating ▲2

nigella


Who can blame Charles for leaving the Ford Transit back home in the garage? After a couple of years, you have to really press on the choke to get that bag of bolts operating properly.


Bristol Palin mugshot mug shot
Young mother who punched in policewoman's teeth as she tried to arrest her for urinating in the street gloated about attack on Facebook posting pictures of victim's blood
My Comment:  Great idea for FOX TV, this chick and Bristol Palin fight to the death. Guaranteed ratings!!! Call my agent, Rupert, and we'll talk.  Rating ▲7


Bristol Palin new reality tv show funny


If you think Bristol Palin doesn't stand a chance, here's a sneak preview from the "talent" competition.

Britol Palin swallowing a red bull can

That's America's Sweetheart Bristol Palin swallowing a can of Red Bull.   For the finale. those two crazy kids make that can disappear into places not even a pair of Levis would dare to enter.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Jaxson de Ville, Comedy Genius

My favorite mascot, Jaxson de Ville of the Jacksonville Jaguars, got in trouble over the weekend for making light of the Ebola disaster.


Before everyone starts hatin' on poor Jax, let's take a moment and remember all the good times.

How about the first half of that Pittsburgh game? Not bad.



Or this classic from 2012.

Jaxson de Ville ebola funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

When NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was nowhere to be found after the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson fiascoes, Mr. Jaxson was there to ease our pain.

Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

And no NFL Pink Breast October is complete without our man Jaxson increasing public awareness through humor.

Jaxson de Ville breast funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars


Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

After seeing this handmade poster, my grandmother went for her first ever mammogram at the age of 92!

Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

So, before we all pounce on the hippest kitty to ever drive a Segway tweaked higher than Wes Welker at the Kentucky Derby, remember this.  It isn't easy being the illegitimate child of Cruella de Ville and Tony the Tiger performing in front of an empty stadium for the only team in the NFL that loses money faster than it loses games.

Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

Friday, September 26, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 9/26/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Kendra Wilkinson without makeup tranny
Kendra Wilkinson grins as she heads to the gym as her private life makes headlines
My Comment:  Why shouldn't she be happy?  Her husband sleeping with a transexual is great for her career!  Looks like she's ready to be a guest star on Honey Boo Boo.

Barry Manilow to release 'Dream Duets' album with Judy Garland
My Comment:   If Barry Manilow married Bruce Jenner, the 1970's would cease to exist -- but their kids would be gorgeous.

Here's a photo of Bruce Jenner, with his first wife Steve Guttenberg, and their best man.

Bruce Jenner first wife funny


Here's a photo of Barry Manilow and his first wife Valerie Perrine.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kaie Price hot milf

'Some may ridicule our choice - I really don't care to be honest': Katie Price hits back at criticism over baby daughter Bunny's name
My Comment:   Way better than calling your kid Miley or Lindsay Lohan Price.  Rating ▲3

I think Bunny is a good choice.  Now, when her daughter grows up she won't have to think of a stripper name all by herself -- because thinking is hard.



Kim Kardashian breastfeeding mama bare
Fur the love of North!  Kim Kardashian is in protective mama bear mode holding her daughter close as they jet out of LAX
My Comment:   Kim is a Mama Bare!  Rating ▼2

That, was the greatest Daily Mail comment ever  --  and I get no love or hate.

Daily Mail Exclusive! Kim Kardashian  Leaked Nudes!


Kim Kardashian new leaked nudes
Mama Bare Kim Kardashian Leaked Nudes. Kayne West gets caught checking out his wife's best assets. 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

NFL tells ESPN to Suspend Bill Simmons. Stay tuned for Sportscenter where you won't hear anything about it because the NFL tells us exactly what to do.

NFL vs. ESPN Bill Simmons suspension funny
NFL vs. ESPN: The Battle of Evil Empires


Who am I kidding? NFL vs. ESPN is more like this:


NFL vs. ESPN Bill Simmons suspension funny
NFL vs. ESPN: Thank you, Sir! May I have another?

Bill Simmons badmouths NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and he gets a three week suspension for failure to meet "ESPN’s journalistic standards." NY Times Article

Did you guys know that ESPN had "journalistic standards?" The network that had Pedro Gomez holding the needles and kissing Barry Bonds acne-scarred ass as Steroidman chased Babe Ruth's record.  The network that lets Chris Broussard spout his homophobic hate speech with no suspensions. The network that pulls its popular entertainment programming and an investigative documentary because the NFL told them to.

The network that suspended Stephen A. Smith for 1 week for saying that women should stop provoking their men into beating the shit out of them.

ESPN has journalistic standards?   Even FOX News is laughing about that idea.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Steve Biscotti Will Protect This House - Thank You Under Armour

Steve Bisciotti Will Protect This House© with the help of Under Armour.

Under Armour Steve Bisciotti owner Baltimore Ravens Ray Rice Domestic Violence

My interview with Steve Bisciotti:

Me: How will you protect this house?

Steve Bisciotti:  I will... lie, lie, lie, not wear socks, lie, lie, lie, throw Ray Rice under the bus, lie, lie, lie, rehire Ray Rice after all of this chick stuff blows over, lie, lie, lie.

Me: Thanks for your candor.



Under Armour Kevin Plank Steve Bisciotti owner Baltimore Ravens Ray Rice Domestic Violence
Steve Bisciotti and Kevin Plank, owner of Under Armour, discussing the serious issue of domestic violence.

Seriously, with respect to the serious issue of domestic violence, Under Armour could have pulled that logo background before yesterday's press conference, if women mattered more than money.

Friday, September 19, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 9/19/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Lucy Mecklenburg sexy orange
Tumble star Lucy Mecklenburgh showcases her athletic physique
My Comment:  
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me

What do you get when you spray on a tan?
Ending up all orange like an orangutan
Worrying too much about the way that you look?
Lucy'd be more attractive if she opened a book.

Oompa Loompa's are a very judgmental people.


Posh Spice Victoria Beckham plastic surgery scary
'I'll be behind the till!' Victoria Beckham heads to check on her flagship store as she reveals 'David will be on the door and Brooklyn working as a Saturday boy' 
My Comment:  If she smiled at a customer would the stitches behind her ears pop out, and her face fly off?  Posh Spice has become Scary Spice.

 
 Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Kim Kardashian stupid
As if it wasn't hot enough already! Kim Kardashian sizzles in white crop top and tight skirt as she steps out on sweltering LA day
My Comment:  That skirt is stupider than Kim. Preggo Kourtney looks better and more comfortable.  Rating ▲12


Joan Rivers dead selfie
Joan Rivers's doctor 'took a SELFIE' with her as she was under anesthesia
My Comment:  If you take a selfie with Joan Rivers, you're gonna look good because that woman looks freaky! Rating ▼8



Isis King hot
Transgender model who found fame on America's Next Top Model 'struggles to find love because she was born in a male body' 
My Comment:  She is beautiful!  Maybe ISIS isn't the best name for on-line dating.  She should change her name to Emily or Kate.  Rating ▼63

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

New Adrian Peterson Plush Doll

Toys R Us has a brand new Adrian "Big Daddy" Peterson doll available on their website!

funny adrian peterson child abuse doll
Courtesy of Eric Stangel

Complete with a Cottonwood switch and an anatomically correct victim doll (for pointing out wounds on your scrotum).

Guaranteed to provide hours of educational and character-building play!!!



Where's Roger Goodell?  He gets paid $40,000,000 a year so the owners don't have to deal with this crap.  The coaches need their own Roger Goodell.

This NFL stuff has taught us that really rich people aren't brave or courageous or decent.   They just have more money than us. These billionaire owners send their football guys out to face the tough questions they should be answering.  One of the cowards cried, then allowed his wife beating player to play, because there's always more money to be made.

***Alert***  You can actually buy that Adrian Peterson doll sans switch at Toys R Us today.   Want to scare the crap out of a 4-year old?  Hurry!  Supplies are limited.


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Yankee Dignity For Sale - Derek Jeter and Steiner Sports

Derek Jeter funny sell out selling memorabilia Steiner Sports

Slimer Sports is the exclusive retailer for every last scrap of Derek Jeter's dignity.  With just a few games left in this, "The Final Season," El Capit├ín is selling out big-time and here at Slimer Sports we're quickly selling out of these exclusive and one-of-a-kind memorabilia.

funny Derek Jeter selling game worn jock straps

Game worn jerseys, game worn uniforms, game worn gloves, game worn socks and now, exclusive to Slimer Sports, Derek Jeter game worn jock straps.  Since the All Star break, Derek Jeter has changed his jock in-between every inning of every game and now he has graciously made them available to you.  Every Derek Jeter game worn jock strap is authenticated and autographed by the Yankee Captain, Derek Jeter.

But there's more.  There's always more.

funny Derek Jeter selling game worn spit

For the regular guy that can't afford to lay out $4,999.99 for a jock strap, Slimer Sports is proud to announce the limited availability of dirt.  For only $199.99, take home a capsule of Yankee Stadium dirt enhanced with the game salivated spit of Derek Jeter.  Each capsule of authentic field dirt is sealed shut and contains a unique, MLB Hologram which can be verified online. Take home a small piece of Derek Jeter from Yankee Stadium today!


funny Derek Jeter Jessica Alba selling game worn condom

For the real Yankee fan, and by real we mean unbelievably rich and willing to pay just about anything for just about anything related to Derek Jeter, Slimer Sports has some unique Derek Jeter items that are sure to be the centerpiece of your Derek Jeter collection. 


funny Derek Jeter Scarlett Johansson selling game worn condom


Derek Jeter has collected over 3,450 hits on the baseball field, but off the field?  The numbers are staggering.  The Elias Sports Bureau, based on original data and statistical extrapolation, estimates that Derek Jeter has gotten to third base with over 647,587 women.  He's hit home runs with 112,327 and busted the cherries of 2,871 virgins. 

funny Derek Jeter Minka Kelly selling game worn condom

The Yankee Captain Derek Jeter has developed a fine taste in wine, homes, and women.   Slimer Sports is the exclusive source of Derek Jeter Celebrity Used Condoms.   These condoms have adorned the sacred penis of Derek Jeter and have entered some of the most desirable vaginas of our generation, including Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, Jessica Alba, and Mariah Carey.

Derek Jeter celebrity worn condoms funny

How can you be assured that these condoms are not common Coney Island Whitefish but are in fact filled with the special seed of the greatest shortstop in New York Yankee history?   Every Derek Jeter Celebrity Used Condom comes with a certificate of authentication complete with FBI DNA analysis of the material inside and out.   Every condom sold by Slimer Sports comes sealed shut with a MLB hologram of authenticity.

My Favorite Real Derek Jeter Memorablia Story

From The New York Post Dec. 13 2011:

Derek Jeter gift baskets

After breaking up with Minka Kelly, while living in Trump World Tower, Derek began sleeping with a different woman every night and sent each off the next morning with a gift basket filled with autographed memorabilia.  Sounds cold but...

If you slept with Derek Jeter back in 2011 and he gave you an autographed baseball with "ROY96" scribbled on it, that's now worth $1,799.99. Not bad for just one night with Number 2.

Favorite Derek Jeter Banging Two Chicks Story 

 From The New York Post Oct. 16, 2007:

"Our spy in the lobby of the Shore Club in Miami early Sunday Morning spotted 'two scantily clad women screaming at the front desk' because they had spent the night at Jeter's penthouse and were then charged for parking."

It's good to be the captain.