Tuesday, September 16, 2014

New Adrian Peterson Plush Doll

Toys R Us has a brand new Adrian "Big Daddy" Peterson doll available on their website!

funny adrian peterson child abuse doll
Courtesy of Eric Stangel

Complete with a Cottonwood switch and an anatomically correct victim doll (for pointing out wounds on your scrotum).

Guaranteed to provide hours of educational and character-building play!!!



Where's Roger Goodell?  He gets paid $40,000,000 a year so the owners don't have to deal with this crap.  The coaches need their own Roger Goodell.

This NFL stuff has taught us that really rich people aren't brave or courageous or decent.   They just have more money than us. These billionaire owners send their football guys out to face the tough questions they should be answering.  One of the cowards cried, then allowed his wife beating player to play, because there's always more money to be made.

***Alert***  You can actually buy that Adrian Peterson doll sans switch at Toys R Us today.   Want to scare the crap out of a 4-year old?  Hurry!  Supplies are limited.


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Yankee Dignity For Sale - Derek Jeter and Steiner Sports

Derek Jeter funny sell out selling memorabilia Steiner Sports

Slimer Sports is the exclusive retailer for every last scrap of Derek Jeter's dignity.  With just a few games left in this, "The Final Season," El Capit├ín is selling out big-time and here at Slimer Sports we're quickly selling out of these exclusive and one-of-a-kind memorabilia.

funny Derek Jeter selling game worn jock straps

Game worn jerseys, game worn uniforms, game worn gloves, game worn socks and now, exclusive to Slimer Sports, Derek Jeter game worn jock straps.  Since the All Star break, Derek Jeter has changed his jock in-between every inning of every game and now he has graciously made them available to you.  Every Derek Jeter game worn jock strap is authenticated and autographed by the Yankee Captain, Derek Jeter.

But there's more.  There's always more.

funny Derek Jeter selling game worn spit

For the regular guy that can't afford to lay out $4,999.99 for a jock strap, Slimer Sports is proud to announce the limited availability of dirt.  For only $199.99, take home a capsule of Yankee Stadium dirt enhanced with the game salivated spit of Derek Jeter.  Each capsule of authentic field dirt is sealed shut and contains a unique, MLB Hologram which can be verified online. Take home a small piece of Derek Jeter from Yankee Stadium today!


funny Derek Jeter Jessica Alba selling game worn condom

For the real Yankee fan, and by real we mean unbelievably rich and willing to pay just about anything for just about anything related to Derek Jeter, Slimer Sports has some unique Derek Jeter items that are sure to be the centerpiece of your Derek Jeter collection. 


funny Derek Jeter Scarlett Johansson selling game worn condom


Derek Jeter has collected over 3,450 hits on the baseball field, but off the field?  The numbers are staggering.  The Elias Sports Bureau, based on original data and statistical extrapolation, estimates that Derek Jeter has gotten to third base with over 647,587 women.  He's hit home runs with 112,327 and busted the cherries of 2,871 virgins. 

funny Derek Jeter Minka Kelly selling game worn condom

The Yankee Captain Derek Jeter has developed a fine taste in wine, homes, and women.   Slimer Sports is the exclusive source of Derek Jeter Celebrity Used Condoms.   These condoms have adorned the sacred penis of Derek Jeter and have entered some of the most desirable vaginas of our generation, including Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, Jessica Alba, and Mariah Carey.

Derek Jeter celebrity worn condoms funny

How can you be assured that these condoms are not common Coney Island Whitefish but are in fact filled with the special seed of the greatest shortstop in New York Yankee history?   Every Derek Jeter Celebrity Used Condom comes with a certificate of authentication complete with FBI DNA analysis of the material inside and out.   Every condom sold by Slimer Sports comes sealed shut with a MLB hologram of authenticity.

My Favorite Real Derek Jeter Memorablia Story

From The New York Post Dec. 13 2011:

Derek Jeter gift baskets

After breaking up with Minka Kelly, while living in Trump World Tower, Derek began sleeping with a different woman every night and sent each off the next morning with a gift basket filled with autographed memorabilia.  Sounds cold but...

If you slept with Derek Jeter back in 2011 and he gave you an autographed baseball with "ROY96" scribbled on it, that's now worth $1,799.99. Not bad for one night's worth of work.

Favorite Derek Jeter Banging Two Chicks Story 

 From The New York Post Oct. 16, 2007:

"Our spy in the lobby of the Shore Club in Miami early Sunday Morning spotted 'two scantily clad women screaming at the front desk' because they had spent the night at Jeter's penthouse and were then charged for parking."

It's good to be the captain.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Glory Days: I Wanna Be a Football Hero

Bob Melonosky star quarterback Half Hollow Hills football
Bob Melonosky, Star Quarterback, Half Hollow Hills High School East. 1979

That's me standing on the 50 yard line with the perky cheerleader that was assigned to me by my Offensive Coordinator, Mr. Klozoff.  Her job was to make me happy for the duration of the award presentation and the after-game dinner/orgy. I think her name was Claudia DeGreco.  Her dad was in salvage and she thought koala bears were cute.  She was perky in three ways

I was discovered by the Offensive Coordinator in gym class because he was also the gym teacher.  While playing flag football, I threw 47 successful passes to the sorriest bunch of spazzes to ever wear black socks with their Keds.

Spirals flew out of my hand like phasers from the Starship Enterprise (meaning they were incredibly accurate not that an Asian dude was pushing my button to fire said spirals).  I was a natural.  My performance gave Mr. Klozoff more wood than those ball boys in their disco finery.

football coach funny
Mr. Oliver Klozoff, Offense Coordinator

I reported to the first football practice my senior year with unfettered aspirations.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever anticipate being the starting quarterback for the Half Hollow Hills Horses.  I was pretty sure the rules of football meant that the head cheerleader was going to be assigned to me for the duration of the season, maybe even my life.

head cheerleader funny
Head Cheerleader, Theresa Peluso.  Rumor had it that she liked it on top (which was okay by me because Coach said it would save my legs for the game).

Sadly, I discovered that I did not like it when other guys touched me.  Plus the locker room antics were not to my liking. So I quit and went back to flag football where no one touches you, especially perky cheerleaders.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Fonzie Fetus Not Coolest Baby Ever

From the Daily Mail:
Fonzie fetus funny

Here's proof that I was the coolest baby ever.

Fonzie Fetus funny Bob Melonosky baby picture

I can't believe my mom kept this sonogram of me. I look so fat.

I like to think I was giving the finger to my boss that was goofing off in the uterus next to mine.

Friday, August 1, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 8/1/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Lucy Mecklenburgh hot tan
Lucy Mecklenburgh highlights her very bronzed skin with cut-out pastel dress
My Comment:  Lucy Mecklenburgh is the most beautiful Oompa Loompa I have ever seen.  Yummy!

Lucy Mecklenburgh Oompa Loompa beauty queen

A photo of Lucy Mecklenburgh when she competed in the Miss Oompa Loompa Beauty Contest back in 2009.   She won.



Chrisina Milian butt hot
Christina Milian is a sight for sore eyes as she crouches down in mini-skirt
My Comment:  Christina Milian inflated a tire, and my crankshaft, at the same time. Gorgeous!

 Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Slena Gomex butt cheeks hot
Selena Gomez exposes her derriere in VERY short cut-offs while heading to a meeting
My Comment:  Who is she meeting with, her drug dealer?  Rating ▲8

I hope that if I ever have a meeting with Selena (maybe when she decides to portray Becky McGowan, the tough lesbo drummer with a heart of gold, in my screenplay Frankie Filth.) that she wears that exact outfit butt, I doubt she will,  because despite it being casual Friday, Selena Gomez does not dress like that to attend a business meeting.  The Daily Mail knows a nice pair of butt cheeks butt fact-checking? Not so much.


Zayn Malik free Palestine
One Direction star Zayn Malik is bombarded with death threats by outraged Israelis after posting #FreePalestine message on Twitter
My Comment:  The guy is allowed to have an opinion. What's disappointing is he removed the tweet. I guess $$$ is more important than peace.  Rating ▲43

Green arrows?  I defend 1D, sort of, and Palestine, and get no right-wing outrage?  Shame on you nutjobbers.

lion bites woman michigan
Michigan woman blames zoo for losing a finger when she tried to pet a caged lion
My Comment:  More proof that white people should be in cages and the animals should be set free.  Rating ▼8

Making fun of white people = red.  My faith in humanity is restored. Thank you.

Hot asian woman plays tickles dog
Bark's symphony: Taiwan dog owner tickles her pup in time to music so it looks like a living instrument
My Comment:  If she tickled me like that, I'd complete Beethoven's 9th Symphony, in her lap!  Rating ▲5  

The Daily Mail Ass Crack of the Week!

Feeling cheeky?  See if you can guess the owner of this delightful celebrity ass crack.

Daily Mail celebrity ass crack Lindsay Lohan

The first correct caller will receive a rare Unclemelon.com How to Eat Pussy t-shirt*.  I'll give you a hint. Lately, this freaky drama queen has been in rehab more often than she has been on a movie set.  That's not much help.  I just narrowed it down to every actress in LA.

Lindsay Lohan bathing suit hot not

More hints:  She has the butt of a 14 year old boy, the pasty, semi-translucent skin of a 114 year old woman and was accused of being a high priced escort for several Arab sheiks.  And by high, I mean on drugs.


Lindsay Lohan saggy sideboob side boob

Haha, I tricked you.  That's not a tempting ass crack.  It's the damp, unappealing spot where a saggy sideboob meets amorphous side chub.  Did you guess America's former sweetheart Lindsay Lohan!?! 

Wow!  If Lindsay was hanging on the beach with her former co-star Herbie it would be hard to tell them apart.   Her current body shape is very Volkswageny.


* Readers of the blog PoundTheBudweiser and members of their family are not eligible for this contest.

Monday, July 28, 2014

The NFL: Violence Against Women? Not So Bad

Back on February 20th, I made a prediction about Ray Rice punching a woman.

RayRice punches a woman prediction punishment ridiculous

Commissioner Roger Goodell gave Ray Rice a two day suspension.  If you're an NFL player and smoke a joint in the privacy of your own apartment, you get four days.  If you punch the snot out of a woman until she's unconscious then get caught on video dragging her out of elevator to cover up the crime, you only get two days.

Roger Goodell is sending a message.

NFL pink logo violence against woman NFL cares breast cancer awareness

Ouch.  That's tough.  Did you not hear?  Ray Rice a punched a woman until she collapsed, unconscious.   Ouchy ouch.

Baltimore coach John Harbaugh is making like Tammy Wynette and standing by his man.  What if Ray Rice was caught dragging John Harbaugh's wife out of an elevator after knocking her out?

What if Ray Rice punched his coach into unconsciousness and got caught on video dragging John Harbaugh out of an elevator?  Is Roger Goodell soft on Violence Against Coaches?

Of course when the season starts and everyone goes pink for NFL Cares About Breast Cancer, all this will be forgotten.  Nike and the NFL have to sell jerseys.

Ray Rice pink jersey violence agasnst woman NFL funny

What woman wouldn't like a Officially-Licensed Limited-Edition Pink Sweetheart Ray Rice Nike Baltimore Ravens #27 jersey?  It's shiny and pink, and form-fitted, so that your breasts really stand out. 

I have another prediction.  Ray Rice's pink jersey will not be a best seller, except in Baltimore.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 7/10/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Lindsay Lohan hung over ugly bloated no hot
Lindsay Lohan flaunts her cleavage and legs in a plunging floral-print playsuit as she steps out in New York
My Comment:  In the fashion industry we call that look heroin un-chic.


Holy eggplant, that's a spicy meatball
Father, son and the holy vegetable: Cook finds God...in an eggplant
My Comment:  Upside down that eggplant clearly spells COD.  Maybe it dreamed of being served on a plate with a nice piece of fish.


Kim
The fun of the fair! Kim Kardashian enjoys rides and churros at the Jersey Shore
My Comment:  Putting penis-shaped objects in her mouth on camera is Kim Kardashian's career.

That's not the first time Kim has gotten all hot and bothered by a churro and a corn dog.   Remember the Ray J video?

Kim Kardashian Ray J video oral funny

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Jennifer Lawrence side boob oops
Making a boob of herself! Jennifer Lawrence reveals an eyeful as she goes braless at Dior show.  The Hunger Games star flashed some serious sideboob..... before facepalming Emma Watson! 
My Comment:  "The Hunger Games star flashed some serious sideboob."   I'm a big fan of sideboob but serious sideboob is my least favorite. Give me flirtatious sideboob, supple sideboob, playful sideboob, lots of sideboob but serious sideboob?  I never figured Jennifer Lawrence would have a serious side.  Rating ▲3


Kardashian beauty contest Kourtney hot
Sexy sisters in the city! Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian show off enviable legs in form-fitting outfits on a New York stroll
My Comment:  Kourtney is the only one with good legs and she's preggers.  Rating ▲3


Jessica Simpson wedding photos hot
'It was magical': Jessica Simpson raves about her wedding day as she shares first glimpse of her Carolina Herrera gown
My Comment:   While her husband kisses her, Jessica is focused solely on the camera -- perfectly capturing the shallowness of her personality.  Rating ▲10


Daily

Starting this week, I'm introducing a new feature to my weekly Daily Mail bit.

The Daily Mail Pokies of the Week!

Feeling perky?  See if you can guess the owner of these delightful celebrity nipples.


Selena Gomez pokies nips oops hot

The first correct caller will receive a rare Unclemelon.com How to Eat Pussy t-shirt*.  I'll give you a hint.  Those "magical" pokies do not belong to Emma Watson.  I'll give you another hint.  I biebelieve that the astounding display of cleavage and perkiness is achieved without a bra but justin case I'm wrong, oh baby, that's an impressive... Screw it , that's enough hints.



Selena Gomez nipples pokies nips cleavage hot

Did you guess America's sweetheart, Selena Gomez!?!  Wow!  Selena is a hot, sweaty mess of deliciousness.

Justin (Bieber) case you missed the pokies in the first photo, the considerate editors at The Daily Mail include three more.

Selena Gomez nipples pokies nips cleavage hot


* Readers of the blog PoundTheBudweiser and members of their family are not eligible for this contest.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 7/3/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Jennifer Ellison hot pregnant funny
'Doctors said I wouldn't be able to conceive again!': Jennifer Ellison reveals she is six months pregnant with her third child 
My Comment:  Obviously, those doctors underestimated the incredible amount of spunk Jennifer possesses.  Spunk she's not afraid to use, over, and over again. You show 'em, girlfriend!


Lindsay Lohan kissing girl, Monica Lewinsky kissing girl, Hillary Clinton kissing girl
Monica Lewinsky is out on the town in London as Hillary Clinton jets in to promote her book
My Comment:  Hopefully, they'll both party at the Chiltern Firehouse and they'll both get caught making out with Lindsey Lohan.  Now that would be news!

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


RFK Jr. Cheryl Hines hot cheating funny daughter
Robert F Kennedy Jr will be deposed by husband of 'mistress' Chelsea Kirwan same week he plans to wed Cheryl Hines
My Comment:  Why don't those two have a reality TV show? Their lives are a joke.  Keeping Up With the Kennedys!  Rating ▲86

I'm going to pitch it to E!  That daughter will need breast implants and butt implants and then we're good to go.

Keeping Up With The Kennedys Cheryl Hines hot

On a very special KUWTKennedys, Cheryl gets upset when Junior selects small-breasted Taylor Swift to be on his touch football team before he selects her.  Is the wedding off!?!



first black Yale hockey player
Maya Peterson forced to resign as Lawrenceville School's first black student-president
My Comment:  White people have no sense of humor, especially the snooty 1%ers. #RomneyDumb  Rating ▼54


Las Vegas No water no planning no joke
Las Vegas in danger of running out of water by 2036
My Comment:  This is not a surprise.  Build a big city in the desert with no planning and you get what you deserve. The high rollers can drink champagne.  Rating ▲86


Kim Kardashian before photoshop Chantelle Houghton bikini hot not
'I'm not feeling great in myself': Chantelle Houghton opens up about piling on the pounds as she displays fuller figure on holiday
My Comment:  Somebody please tell Chantelle that they make one piece bathing suits with skirts or maybe a sweatsuit would be better.  Rating ▲15

Remember Kim Kardashian's 3 Ps for the perfect image -- plastic surgery, photoshop and personal photographers (It's really 4 Ps but don't tell Kim.  She'll cry and then eat a cheesecake).