Thursday, August 6, 2015

Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Aerospace Club President

Bob Melonosky high school

Presenting the 1978 Half Hollow Hills High School Aerospace Club.  We met three times.  The first time we elected officers.  The second time we showed up at School Spirit Night and lost the sack race.  The last time we met for this yearbook photo. 

Not too much effort to get Aerospace Club President on my high school transcript.   SUNY-Stony Brook, here I come!  Strangely, for a club that was so undemanding, there were seven presidents.  My pal Dave was secretary, he couldn't handle the pressure of being president.  We made him wear a low cut sweater and bring us coffee.  He ended up at SUNY-Farmingdale.

I often wonder how much Mr. Fistule got paid to be our advisor.  He didn't even bother to show up for the photo.

Whoa, almost forgot the required euphemism.

See Cindy Fiore standing all the way to the left with her sweater vest, miniskirt, and long, luxurious, well-managed hair?  I used to send her to apogee in geosynchronous orbit in the last row of the planetarium (HHH HS East had a planetarium) using only my deep space probing tongue and my lunar roving fingers.  Once, while Cindy was attempting to jettison my payload, my big, Saturn V underwent rapid unscheduled disassembly when Mr. Fistule caught her preparing me for launch.

Throwback Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman
Throwback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo
Throwback Thursday - On a Bob Melonosky Built for Two
Throwback Thursday - My First Real Job
Throwback Thursday - My 6th Grade Spring Dance

Monday, August 3, 2015

A Not Dirty Limerick - The Mom From West Orange

dirty limerick the monkees jack Nicholson west orange


I wrote this not dirty limerick while driving home from the beach.  There was a reason but you will never know.

The Mom From West Orange

There once was a mom from West Orange
With shrubbery so thick you could forage
All day and all night
For the tiniest bite
Her specialty, sausage in porridge

 Been half-rhyming orange since 10th Grade Honors English.


The first caller that can correctly identify the connection between the photo and the limerick will receive a rare Unclemelon.com How to Eat Pussy t-shirt*


* Disclaimer: Friends, family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this contest.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 7/16/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Kim Kardashian Rolling Stone funny semen
Ahoy there sailor! Kim Kardashian sports captain's hat as she puts ample cleavage on display
My Comment:   Sailor Kim?  Could be, she is a woman that would be very comfortable with a boatload of seamen.


Any Schumer topless naked bed Star Wars funny C3PO R2D2
Amy Schumer goes completely topless as she climbs into bed with Star Wars robots for hilarious new GQ shoot
My Comment:  This photo is stupid.  Everyone knows C3PO and R2D2 are gay.

I'm pretty sure they got married last summer in New Jersey.


Kim Khloe Kourtney Kardashian fat as whales funny
Kourtney, Kim and Khloe wear super tight white outfits as younger sisters come to the rescue
My Comment:  Fetch me my harpoon, Ishmael.  There's a pod of Kardashians off the starboard bow.


Kim
North ruins pregnant Kim's $4500 Lanvin coat with her buttery popcorn following trip to the movies with Kanye
My Comment:  Grease?  No way.  Obviously, it's a splooge stain.  Pregnant Kim was probably making a new video in the men's room of the movie theater.  It's all about content, people.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Michelle
Michelle Keegan displays her taut abs in crop top and scalloped skirt as she watches Mark Wright install private gym in marital home
My Comment:  I could watch her watch her husband all day.  Rating ▼41

I'm not complaining but why the negativity?


Donald Trump hates Mexicans funny
Donald Trump calls 'El Chapo' escape proof of Mexico's 'corruption' 
My Comment:  Donald Trump is proof that you don't have to be intelligent to be rich. Especially when your dad gives you all the money.  Rating ▼52



Chantelle Houghton hot package
Chantelle Houghton shows off her weight loss as she coordinates her all-white look to her daughter Dolly
My Comment:  That's quite a package. I'd like to unwrap it in the privacy of my hotel room without the kid. The bow is really nice.  Rating ▼5



Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Donald Trump Hates Mexicans and Jews. Loves Nazis. Tweet, Tweet.

Donald Trump tweet Nazi funny

Donald Trump tweeted this image yesterday of himself and a bunch of Nazis.   It's a campaign ad.  Turns out The Donald hates Mexicans, and Jews.

Don't believe me?  Look.


Donald Trump Nazi tweet funny

Donald Trump, who never takes responsibility for anything, blamed a "very young intern."  A very young intern designed a campaign ad and didn't get approval from anyone on staff?  He'll probably be Trump's Secretary of State.

The only thing Republicans love more than fear is hate so naturally Donald Trump's poll numbers went up.  He's number 1!!!

I know how to improve Donald Trump's poll numbers even more.


Donald Trump Nazi tweet Hitler Hates mexicans tweet

Less subtle, more votes. Where do I apply for an internship?

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 7/1/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

daily mail nipples funny

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Kym Marsh best butt hot
'All those extra gym sessions paid off': Coronation Street star Kym Marsh is thrilled to be crowned Rear Of The Year 2015
My Comment:  Grandma: 'In my day, we got a fat ass by eating too much, we didn't need no implants or pretending to go to the gym.'


Imogen Thomas hot nips oops camel toe cameltoe
Pregnant Imogen Thomas draws attention to her growing baby bump 
My Comment:   Imogen looks like a big, yellow beach ball with ample nipples and camel toe.  I'd bounce.





Selena Gomez nips slip oops nipples
Cowgirl in a cape! Selena Gomez shows off perfect pins in denim shorts
My Comment:  Calling Selena a cowgirl because her big nipples are showing is mean.

Hey England, cowboys and cowgirls don't wear teeny cutoff  shorts.  If they did, they would get nasty sores on their inner thighs and nobody wants that.  Cowboys and cowgirls wear cowboy boots and cowboy hats.

Only British cowboys wear tiny denim shorts and they look like this.





Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Somebody's gone and thrown out a perfectly good white boy
Charity golfer gets head stuck in bin after 24-hour drunk tournament
My Comment:  If I saw an old guy dressed like that, I'd try to throw him out too.  Rating ▲128

Someone's gone and thrown out a perfectly good white boy.  The first caller to correctly identify the iconic 1980's movie that contained this quote will receive a rare Unclemelon.com How to Eat Pussy t-shirt*.


Lucy Mecklenburgh hot
Fitness fanatic Lucy Mecklenburgh shows off her super-toned curves in skintight gym gear as she heads for a grueling workout
My Comment:  I don't know who this woman is but she always looks great walking to her car.  Rating ▼1

Natalie Portman hot nips slip oops nipples
Braless Natalie Portman looks summery in flirty floral mini skirt as she goes shopping
My Comment:  That kid must have always been hungry. I hope they feed him properly now.  Rating ▼18


Animated rainbow confederate flag
US flag makers stop making Confederate flags in the wake of Charleston shooting
My Comment:  Flags?  What about guns? The US has to stop making so many gun$.  Rating ▼42

Flags don't kill people.  People with guns kill people.  Gun nuts are always good for red arrows.

* Disclaimer: Friends, family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this contest.

Daily Mail mission statement

Friday, June 26, 2015

Bristol Palin Teen Abstinence Queen Pregnant Again

Bristol Palin, The Paid Princess of Teen Abstinence, is pregnant again.

Earlier this month,  Bristol Palin tweeted:
 


How many guys in Alaska are jumping into their 4-wheel drive pickups and heading for Canada today?

Here's a rerun from back in the day.

DWTS - Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy? October 2010

Bristol Palin, Paid Teen Abstinence Advocate, is a contestant on Dancing With the Stars and is doing her darndest to stay modest. That's Bristol down there lying prone on the floor, awash in pink light, her hair artfully arranged by a team of grips and bestboys.


Let's go over the definition of modest, shall we? These Shaker Sisters are my idea of modest.


christine o'donnell, bristol palin and her sisters aren't lesbians, they're abstinent Not only are these gals going to remain abstinent, so are any men that accidently gaze upon them. I'm even willing to bet big money that when these sisters get together to can pickles, not a one goes a missing. I think that's Christine O'Donnell all the way to the right.

bristol palin sexy Bristol looks less modest by comparison.

Now, if I was a total dick looking for a cheap laugh, I would slap some Candie's Foundation abstinence propaganda on that pink porno Bristol Palin photo and see how it looks.

Bristol Palin, Official Teen Abstinence Advocate
Never let it be said that I am unwilling to go for a cheap laugh or that I'm not a total dick.

But Bristol's mom, Sarah would say that we're looking at her daughter with corrupt and evil, East Coast media ivy league bias not heartland, middle America righteous stuff. What do the good people of the prairie see when they look at this image?

bristol palin modest or sexy
Jesus Christ! Really? Damn, I am evil, I live on the East Coast and I get poison ivy all the time. I guess Bristol Palin is modest.


Bristol Palin sloppy secondsWait, just one Iowa cornhusking minute! Even the most righteous Idaho Mormons have to admit that Bristol looks like she just dragged herself out of a damp bed after a good pounding. Her outfit and her after-sex hairdo is so sexy, it makes the dancer dude look straight. I don't think the good Sisters of New Lebanon would approve but my dick sure does.

Bristol Palin, modest or sexy?

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Throwback Thursday - My 6th Grade Spring Dance

Bob Melonosky Throwback Thursday

That's me with Donna Santoro, my date for the Annual 6th Grade Spring Dance at Forest Park Elementary School.  How good do I look?  You can't beat a shiny plaid suit with big, gold buttons.  Her mom made me take off my glasses "so I would be handsome for the picture."  I guess the suit didn't make up for the glasses.

Mrs. Santoro, I was already a foot and a half shorter than your daughter without a single pubic hair on my underdeveloped body.  Thanks for the confidence boost.

Donna's older brothers, Tony and Frank, after seeing this photo, gave me the nickname Slits.  Slits is the kind of nickname that will stick with a fella.  I was Slits throughout junior high school which is not good.  In high school, they shortened it to Slit.  Slit is an even worse nickname.

1970s Long Island housewife

That's Mrs. Santoro working in her husband's salvage business.  To this day, big Long Island hair makes me big.

Donna and I were not really boyfriend and girlfriend.  You had to be a couple to go to the dance and all the nice, Italian boys were taken.  I think Donna picked me because I looked more Italian than the other non-Italians.

lame 8-track tapes

Turned out that after the dance we spent a couple of Friday nights in Donna's basement listening to 8-tracks on her dad's stereo.  Donna and her dad were partial to The Carpenters, The Beach Boys and Chicago (the band not the city).   Her favorite single?  American Pie by Don McLean.  You had to flip the 45 over in the middle of the song because the guy whined about Buddy Holly forever.

I grew up on Long Island and had a dick so my favorite album of 1972 was Led Zepplin IV from 1971.   Donna's dad didn't get the Led out.


Jethro Tull Thick as a Brick Commack Korvettes

Donna and I kissed a lot and held hands in that basement.   Donna played the flute in the school band.  She had serious lips.  Outstanding kisser.  No, she never played my skin flute, we're talking 1972.  The French hadn't invented it yet.

One night I brought over one of my favorite new albums, Jethro Tull's Thick as a Brick because the main guy in Tull played the flute.  I decided to give the album to Donna.  I thought this considerate, well-thought out gesture might allow me to proceed from the on-deck circle to the batter's box. 

Donna wore a gold crucifix that her dad bought her for her christening or her confession or her first communion or something.  It was big, with an actual golden Jesus hanging on it.  Little Golden Jesus was like 3/4 life size.  He used to hang there on his cross standing guard over Donna's desirable breasts.  It was creepy.  When I slipped my tongue in a little too far or I "accidently" rubbed up against one of Donna's beautiful protuberances, Little Golden Jesus would frown at me.  It was magic, Catholic, half-Jew-hating magic.

I thought Jethro Tull would be my ticket to the paradise located below Little Golden Jesus' feet.  

Turned out Donna hated Jethro Tull.  She hated the name.  She hated the album cover -- and I found out she hated Monty Python after I used Monty Python to defend the  album cover.  Her hate continued.  She hated heavy metal.  She hated the way Ian Anderson played the flute.

I looked down at Little Golden Jesus, the bugger had a huge Kool Aid smile from from ear to pious ear.

That was my first inkling that breasts and vaginas weren't the only things that made girls different.  On the upside, I got to keep the album.

Two memories from the actual dance:

It's really hard to dance to American Pie and not look like a tool.

It's good to be a foot and half shorter than your date when you're slow dancing to Colour My World by Chicago.

Sincerely,

Bob "Slit" Melonosky

Throwback Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman
Throwback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo
Throwback Thursday - On a Bob Melonosky Built for Two
Throwback Thursday - My First Real Job

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/23/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Khloe Kardashian blonde
Khloe Kardashian sports a voluminous platinum blonde 80s-inspired perm
My Comment:  Khloe looks just like the Kowardly Lion if the Kowardly Lion was fat and used up.


Cowardly lion Khloe Kardashian funny

That's an old photo of the Cowardly Lion wearing a dress that's three sizes too small at Pure in Caesar's Palace back in 1938.  Maybe OJ isn't Khloe's father.  Maybe her father is Bert Lahr.  I can't imagine Bert slumming it with Kris Jenner but he was known to have a drink or two.


Lindsey Graham wife funny
White House hopeful Lindsey Graham explains why he never married in tell-all memoir: 'I haven't been lucky that way' 
My Comment:   This guy is so deep in the closet, he's living in Narnia.

That's presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham with a potential First Lady/Wife.  I thought I wrote this Narnia line but after googling it, I probably overheard it at Rawhide when I lived in Chelsea.  Props to op.


Kylie Jenner underwear
Kylie Jenner models her 'boyfriend' Tyga's Crisp-brand boxer briefs
My Comment:  Kylie's getting close.  On her 18th birthday, she'll post a selfie with Tyga's johnson in her mouth and then she'll finally be as famous as big sister Kim.  I'm sure her mom can't wait.


Boating Bad! Amazing dead ringer for Breaking Bad's Walter White was coxswain in charge of 1920s Rhyl lifeboat 
My Comment:  Given that Walter White was an orphan, that must be his grandfather.  Journalism is not dead!


Tamara Ecclestone breast feeding oops
Tamara Ecclestone posts intimate picture of herself breast-feeding daughter Sophia in hotel swimming pool 
My Comment: I stayed at a hotel in the Bahamas with a swim up bar.  This is way better.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Bristol Palin porn star
Bristol Palin SLAMS Miley Cyrus for being a hypocrite and anti-Christian in confused blog rant 
My Comment:  There are a lot of churches in the US. Bristol Plain should find one that doesn't preach hate.  Rating ▲27


Bristol Palin Miley Cyrus good Christian

Bristol Palin Miley Cyrus good Christian

Bristol Palin hot ass

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Throwback Thursday - My First Real Job


That's me on the left at my first real job at Teapot RW, Inc. in Bethpage, Long Island.


That's Ted.  He did what I did on the days I didn't go in, but with more zits.



Leonid "No Tweezers" Goronovich, scariest looking electrical engineer ever.




The boss, Lead Engineer Mr. Redd.  Smoked three packs of Lucky Strikes a day.  Smelt a bit but had a heart condition.

Next to Mr. Redd with his penis resting on the back of the young lady is Roger "The Dark Bishop" Hamantaschen.


He was called The Dark Bishop because he played computer chess everyday at lunch with a nerd at the University of Manchester.



The young lady is Mrs. Ingrid Matz.  Her father was Swedish, her mother was a ballet dancer and her husband treated her like crap.  Ingrid was the programmer.  She could do things in FORTRAN that would curl your toes and make your nipples ache til Sunday.  She was the first married lady I ever gerlandeprung.  I gerlandersprung her four times!  Only kidding, I gerlandersprung her i = i+1 times.

I was still just a senior at Half Hollow Hills High School East, but everyday after school, while my classmates were stealing buckets of pickles working the drive-thru at Wendy's then eating the pickles in the parking lot of Adventure's Inn, I was selling secrets to the Soviets.

I worked in the Systems Group maintaining a Sperry Rand UNIVAC 9700 that was like a hundred times faster than an IBM 370 E Series.  One day while pipelining the floating point after some unexpected subthreshold leakage I accidentally read a Top Secret printout detailing the CIA's program to spy on The Swedish Royal Ballet.

I was outraged.  What possible threat could The Swedish Royal Ballet pose to the United States?  I immediately showed the printout to Ingrid because I thought it would enable me to get her out of her peasant dress and get me into her panties.  It did.

Ingrid decided that we should sell information that was passing through our office to the Soviets so that we could save up enough money for her divorce and our subsequent honeymoon in Sochi, and teach the CIA that it shouldn't spy on the dancers of its closest allies.

It didn't take the CIA long to figure out that our office was the source of significant intelligence breaches.  The FBI broke down our doors and arrested Leonid "No Tweezers" Goronovich and The Dark Bishop.  I'm pretty sure the eyebrow was Leo's undoing and that terrible chess nickname came to haunt Roger Hamantaschen.  Those guys are still serving consecutive life sentences in a federal prison.

Ingrid and I stopped selling secrets.  She took all the money and ran off with Mr. Redd.  I graduated high school and went off to the State University of New York at Stony Brook, a little wiser and a little sore from all the gerlandersprunging.  I flunked out two years later.  Nobody cares what happened to Ted.

If you'd like to read more about this story, you can purchase my New York Times seller "Blinky and the Snowgirl" at Amazon. 


Or rent the movie starring a young Randy Quaid as The Dark Bishop and sexy Britt Eklund as Ingrid.


Throwback Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman
Throwback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo
Throwback Thursday - On a Bob Melonosky Built for Two