Friday, May 22, 2015

Throwback Thursday - On a Bob Melonosky Built for Two

Bob Melonosky girlfriend likes farts

Part 1

My best friend growing up was a guy named Dave DeGreco.  He had long, greasy blonde hair that curled up at the bottom like Mary Tyler Moore, buck teeth, and so many beauty marks on his face that the tough kids called him "Dots." They used to hold him down in the playground and connect his beauty marks with a black marker hoping it would result in an elephant or a Micky Mouse.  It never did.  When they let Dave up, he would cry and hide in the coat closet.

Despite these shortcomings, and a boatload of others too numerous to mention, Dave ended up with a  girlfriend in the 10th Grade.

Her name was Laura.  She was ugly and mean, had hairy arms like Lancelot Link Super Chimp and her dad drove a sky blue Lincoln Continental Mark IV.   They were made for each other.

Prior to his going out with Laura, me and Dave would spend every non-school hour together, playing basketball or wiffleball or watching TV.  After Laura showed up,  I had to renew my friendship with former friends that were even worse than Dave.  Guys like Pete DeSilvio, Tony DePietro and Augie DiDimonico.  Life sucked for me, but on Sundays, the pasta was good.

Then one day, Dave asked if I wanted to go on a double date with Laura's friend Margarita Ruriani.  Turned out Margarita liked me.   Who knew?  I was in 427 classes with her and she never said a word to me.  Once in gym class, during the dreaded square dancing marking period, she tripped me on purpose while I was promenading with Cheryl Satriali.

I had probably rubbed it out to Margarita over 200 times which put her in the same grouping as my math teacher Mrs. Rosner and Trish Nixon.  I couldn't be happier to go on a date.

The girls decided that we would rent bicycles built for two and ride around Hecksher Park before having a picnic and then going to a concert at the band shell.  Pretty damn ambitious for a first date but what choice did I have?

The morning of the big event my grandpa made over-easy eggs with a pile of corn beef hash from a can that was so big, Richard Dreyfus could have used it to build Pike's Peak.  I ate it all.   Then he beat me at Stratego a couple of times even though I moved my bombs.  The old guy was a Statego savant even though he hated the French.

Bicycles built for two were lame but Dave and I had a plan.  Get the girls to ride in front so we could look at their butts.  Margarita was wearing a plaid skirt that had the potential to ride up on her.  It was my lucky day.

Hairy armed Laura gladly sat up front.  Margarita wanted to be in back because she was afraid to steer.  Now she was going to get to look at my butt.  Fuck luck.

As I mounted the bike my stomach began to percolate.  The lethal combination of intestinal tract microbes, corned beef, chocolate milkshake and cold Pillsbury broccoli and cheddar quiche (I had sneaked out of the fridge) were starting to ferment in my lower bowels.   Copious amounts of  nitrogen, methane and hydrogen sulfide were demanding to be released.  Like Gandalf the Grey, I brought all my magical powers to bear on the elassitude of my rectum, "Thou shall not pass gas!"

My determination lasted 20 seconds.  The warm, supple bicycle seat kind of tickled my balloon knot and  I had to let one go.  Years of practice in classrooms and the backseats of cars allowed me to deliver the bomb slowly.  I lifted up a cheek and opened the smallest aperture I could muster, resulting in a silent but steady release of pressure that lasted all the way to the duck pond.

Margarita didn't seem to notice.  I relaxed a bit and carefully repeated the process.  This time my results were mixed as I released a series of staccato sighs as if my anus were blowing kisses to my attractive co-cyclist.  I was now officially and solidly freaked out and in my distracted state proceeded to slice off a hunk of cheese that could have adorned the head of Andre the Giant.  The sound so frightened the paddling of ducks that they left their bread and rose as one, and didn't stop flying until they got to Sunken Meadow State Park and the safety of the Long Island Sound.

Should I apologize or pretend that the obvious didn't happen?  I was fairly inexperienced in the nuances of the dating game so I just peddled on through the heavy stench of rotting cheddar and corned beef.

Later, while sitting under the stars, on a blanket, with Margarita in my arms, listening to the Huntington Philharmonic butcher Beethoven, through whispers and kisses I learned of the joys of eproctophilia.

And thus began the greatest three months of 10th Grade a guy ever had.

End of Part 1

Remember the immortal words of James Joyce:

"It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women."   


Additional Reading: Great Farts in Literature.

Throwback Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman
Throwback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 5/20/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

Kourtney Kardashian naked nude pregnant funny

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


atomic wedgie murder
Man, 33, pleads guilty after 'killing his stepfather with an atomic wedgie
My Comment:  This is truly a public service announcement.  I will never again perform an atomic wedgie.  However, conventional wedgies will still be in my arsenal.


John Travolta wig bald funny
'You're The Wig That I Want!': John Travolta sports layered mullet
My Comment:  When the Scientologist aliens finally arrive on earth, they're going to take the wig and leave the cannoli.

Khloe Kardashian working out fat
Khloe Kardashian hits the gym early so she can have breakfast catch up with sister
My Comment:   "Hits the gym" must be Armenian for "free buffet."


Accepted Comments
 
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kourtney Kardashian breast lift big soft hot
'Thanks for the lift!': Kourtney Kardashian shares snap where partner Scott Disick is pushing up her breast as she sunbathes
My Comment:  
I'd lift those up where they belong
 Where eagles fly
On a mountain high
Rating ▼2


Katherine Jenkins hot pregnant
Pregnant Katherine Jenkins dresses her burgeoning baby bump in a midnight blue number ensemble
My Comment:   When you can't see the bump, it can't be burgeoning. Need an alliteration? Katherine dresses her itsy-bitsy baby bump...  Rating ▲155


Kim Kardashian naked fat
Kim embraces her 'insecurities' with a nude photo shoot in the desert
My Comment:  Kim looks like I-40, a four lane highway through the Mojave Desert. You can park two 18-wheelers on that butt with room to spare.  Rating ▼1


The Daily Mail Mission Statement:
Daily Mail masthead


Extra Special Gift: 

 Because I care, and because hundreds of pussy-faced pudpullers (that's "pus - e faced" - having a face full of pus not a face full of pussy.  Believe me, no readers of this site have ever had their face anywhere near an actual pussy), will visit this site after typing some combination of:

Kourtney

Kardashian

Breast

Naked

Nude

Pregnant.

Here's Kourtney Kardashian naked, and pregnant, with nude breasts, and an eagle, actual size:


Kourtney Kardashian nude naked pregnant breast

Friday, May 8, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 5/8/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Kim Kardashian book signing funny
Kim Kardashian wears daring black dress with high slit and plunging neckline to LA book signing for Selfish
My Comment:   Book signing?  Can Kim spell Kardashian?  Kan Kim spell Kim?



Carroll Spinney narrowly avoided dying in 1986 Challenger shuttle disaster - because his 'Big Bird' suit WOULDN'T FIT inside the spacecraft
My Comment:   When I was a kid, I always thought Carroll Spinney was a woman. I guess he's just a man trapped in a bird's body.


Kim Kardashian butt fat
Kim Kardashian squeezes in another work out ahead of the Met Gala in New York 
My Comment:   Does that label say, "Warning!  Object in spandex is larger than it appears with photoshop."  I'm going to be nauseous all day.


Khloe kardashian butt implants cellulite removal funny
Khloe Kardashian gets cellulite lasered off her derriere as sisters Kim and Kendall watch while eating snacks
My Comment:   Looks like Kim and Kendall are eating Khloe's butt trimmings on crackers.  Yummy!  Butt sadly, high in cholesterol.

Has Khloe's rectum hypnotized Kim and Kendall?  There might be a shiny object in it.

However, now we finally know what Rodin's The Thinker was thinking about.


What does Rodin's The The Thinker think about?  Khloe Kardashian fat ass


Khloe's butt.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors, but not this week.  I may have been banned.  :(


The Daily Mail logo funny



Friday, May 1, 2015

My Dick Reviews Game of Thrones: High Sparrow

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

When in Westeros and points east, can you ever visit too many brothels?  No.  Throw in a naked queen under 40 and you've got a pretty solid episode.  Let's get to it.  


Margaery Tyrell

Margaery Tyrell in bed naked hot

What boy/teen/man/king/maester/black guard/sand snake wouldn't want to switch places with The Kitty Kat King.  Actually, the king stuff Tommen can red keep.  Every king in this kingdom ends up dead before the season's over.  I just want to set a Guinness World Record in bed, with Margaery Tyrell, I don't care how conniving and clever she is.  I'd have my mother boxed up and sent off to Casterly Rock before the sheets dry.  And my mother's nice.
 
Cersi Lannister 

Cersi Lannister stinky funny High Sparrow

Cersi Lannister is one of those rare women that is so repulsive on the inside, that no manner of outside can overcome the deficit.  I'm not talking stuck on a deserted island repulsive.  I'm talking a personality so foul that even a quickie next to the corpse of her close relative is out of the question.

When Cersi glares at the camera, my mighty sword goes from Valyrian steel to one of Bran's legs faster than a Tyrion quip.

Stop me, please. I'm on a roll.

What I'm saying I guess is," I wouldn't fuck Cersi Lannister with Brienne of Tarth's dick" (apologies and respect to Jeffrey Ross and Bea Arthur).

Quick PC Note:  Like only two years ago that would have been funny without a cringe.  Now, with various gay bashing and feminist bashing and fat shaming, it's still funny but a little cringey.  What if I write:

I wouldn't fuck Cersi Lannister with Theon Greyjoy's dick.  You know, the one in the box.  It probably reeks by now.  Better?  Good, we'll go with it.

I've never fucked a dowager and I'm not gonna start with Cersi.  I'd give prune face from Downton Abbey a go first.

Littlefinger's Christmas Spectacular

Littlefinger's Christmas Brothel Spectacular naked seven

We get to see a "Living Manger" of prostitutes representing the Seven Gods of Westeros.

Why didn't I become a hedge fund manager?

Now, I know what happens in a high end Wall Street brothel.  "I'll have the Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene, Balthazar and a couple of those sheep."  Then, after I drop my derivatives time bomb all over their assets, the rockettes come out and dance in celebration, of me.

You know how your mama always told you not to talk to strangers?

Littlefinger Brothel The Stranger prostitute naked

That's why you never listen to your mama.

Littlefinger brothel the seven prostitutes funny

So who would I choose if I was a high Septon or hedge fund manager?  The Father and The Warrior are not my cup of mead, not that there's anything wrong with a warrior now and again.  The Smith is looking good, The Maiden is a no-brainer and I can't tell the difference between The Mother and The Crone so I'll take both.  I prefer a face on my trollop for pay so I'll pass on The Stranger. 

Sansa

Goth Sansa funny cell phone

Finally, some good news on Game Of Thrones.  Sansa gets to marry Ramsay Snow.  Truly, a match made in heaven or The Eyrie, which is close enough.  I hate Sansa.  She's an ignorant, sniveling, wimp.  If you look closely, she's bigger than Littlefinger.  I know she can take him in an arm wrestle.  She could have easily killed him about a 1000 different ways since he "saved" her from Joffrey.

And I'm not digging her goth look.

Volantis Brothel and Some Musing on Dany

Dany Daenerys butt naked

When at a brothel in Volantis does one pay the extra coinage for the Dany lookalike or does one pay standard fare for an inviting diversion that looks like a meatier version of Shae.

dany cosplayer

Personally, I'm going with Shae-lite.  Like Tyrion, I prefer my hookers cynical and grounded and brunette.

Also, I'm fairly convinced that I have a shot at the real Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, future wife of Bob and Mother of Dragons.

Her first husband was an okay provider but a little rough around the edges.  And in bed?  I moved on from horsey position in high school.

Daario Naharis funny

Her current guy is underwhelming in every way.  He looks like a country singer in the lounge of a Ramada Inn, in Altoona, Pennsylvania, on a Wednesday night.  He belongs with the cosplayer at the Volantis brothel.

Little naked chicks on the pommels of your swords?  That's not only classless and clueless, it's middle school classless and clueless.  Give me five minutes and Dany's making moon eyes at me.  I just need to worm my way into her inner circle.

And advice?  Killing a guy for killing a guy before he has a fair trial, before he has a fair trial?  Public Relations 101.  Not a good idea.  Put everyone in a courtroom for a couple of months with a bunch of lawyers droning on, and on, and on, about due process and those freed slaves will be calling for the guy's head just to put everybody out of their misery.

I'd be good for Dany in bed and in the throne room.

So, on the standard Dany Eating a Horse Heart scale where 1 is me taking selfies with a Dany cosplayer at the DemiCon in Des Moines, Iowa and 5 is me spending her hiatus in the Caribbean with Emilia Clarke and a blonde wig, I give Game of Thrones: High Sparrow three and half Danys Eating a Horse Heart.


Dany

Other articles by my dick:
My Dick Reviews American Hustle
My Dick Reviews The Hobbit 2
My Dick Reviews House of Cards
My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Nicki Minaj - That's the 2nd Greatest Bar Mitzvah Photo I've Ever Seen

Nicki Minaj Bar Mitzvah photo hot funny

Wow.  Nicki Minaj and eight lucky 13-year old boys posing at a Bar Mitzvah.  Props to Rembert Browne at Grantland for a funny, insightful analysis.  I don't agree with his conclusion on this hand.

Nicki Minaj Bar Mitzvah butt photo hot funny

But that's a discussion for another day.  What was missing from the analysis were the two biggest mysteries.

Nicki Minaj Bar Mitzvah boobs hot funny


When Nicki Minaj shows up at your Bar Mitzvah, the girl shows up at your Bar Mitzvah!  Nicki was dressed to impress.  She was like, "Hi boys, today you are men!"  I hope the hedge fund manager dad paid the extra $100,000 for the ice cream sundae bar and the Nicki Minaj Motorboat option. 

But the biggest mystery of this photo is not the largeness of the breasts but that everyone of those horny, 13-year old piles of hormones are looking directly at the camera.


Nicki Minaj Bar Mitzvah photo hot funny

Not a sidewise glance.  Not a future Senator or Vice President in this group.  What could the photographer be holding in his hand that directed their attention away from Nicki?  You know, like a rattle for a baby. 

I got nothing.  Neither did anyone at work.  This bit failed to fire.  A classic coitus interruptus.

Is there anything in the universe more interesting to a 13-year old boy than Nicki Minaj three feet away in a sexy, tight dress?  Having a good photo to post on snapchat?  Shit...  Kids today.

The 1st greatest Bar Mitzvah  photo I've ever seen?  Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah photo.

funny Bar Mitzvah photo

I was there and wrote about it here. And because I remember what it's like to be in middle school my best guess at the nicknames of these young men.

Nicki Minaj Bar Mitzvah photofunny

My nickname when I was 13 was The Radical. It was given to me by Steve "Pretzel Legs" DeGreco and had something to do with Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes and nutritional guidelines. Donna Brisanti gave Steve his nickname in gym class when she saw him in shorts for the first time. A great day to be Steve's friend, not such a great day to be Steve.

Friday, April 17, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/17/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Only the best for North West! Kim Kardashian's 22-month-old daughter totes £600 camera
My Comment:  If that kid knows how to use that camera then she is already smarter than her mother.  But if North wants to stay famous in America, she'll have to sleep with a rapper while Grandma Kris videotapes it.  Her dad doesn't count.

Easy.  Easy.  I just meant that a lot of 2-year old girls sleep in  bed with mom and dad after they wake up in the middle of the night and find an entire film crew in their room shooting pickups --  and they realize that their entire life will be totally fucked up unless they run away to Uncle Rob and live in a cave in the woods.


Victoria
'Hanging with Posh': Victoria Beckham gets nostalgic as she cuddles up to her Spice Girl wax persona 
My Comment:  Wow, which is the real Victoria?  Oh wait, never mind, the wax one is actually lifelike and shows a hint of emotion.

Kardashian Armenian cousins hot
Meet Kourtni and Kara Kardashian! Kim introduces her Armenian cousins
My Comment:   Sign those Kousins up!  A dozen implants, $100,000 of plastic surgery and hours and hours of photoshop and they will fit right in.  Khloe might be out of a job.


Monica Bellucci nip slip see through
Glamorous Monica Bellucci, 50, shows she's the ultimate Bond Girl as she goes braless in a sheer blouse for lunch
My Comment:   Nothing wets my appetite like two delicious Italian appetizers prominently displayed. Mangiare bene, Monica!

Mangia quello che piace a te, vesti come piace agli altri!


Elmo arrested Times Square
Cookie Monster arrested in Times Square for allegedly grabbing teen's breasts - but he says it's a case of mistaken identity
My Comment:   Cookie Monster going after melons instead of cookies?  Where's Rudolph Giuliani when we need him?  Probably dressed up as Elmo.


Sex offender Elmo



Khloe Kardashian funny
Khloe Kardashian has a spring in her step as she hits the gym in LA one day after arriving home from Armenia
My Comment:  Glad to see that Khloe escaped from Armenia.  I was afraid she would be mistaken for a mule and you know how they love their mules.

You think you'd be able to tell the difference between Khloe Kardashian and a mule?   Go ahead, try.


Khloe Kardashian ugly mule funny Armenia

Damn, did the sunglasses give it away?  Mules sometimes wear sunglasses, don't they?  I think they do, especially when they're on their way to the gym and their eyes are puffy and red and full of sebaceous secretions because they've been up all night doing drugs and having copious amounts of unprotected sex.

Mules wear sunglasses, I'm sure.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Amanda Holdn nipple insurance breasts funny
Just call her Amanda Hold-em! BGT judge grabs her breasts as she laughs off insurance claims... before dancing while wearing nipple tassels
My Comment:  Never before has so much been made of so little.  Rating ▲65


Always remember the iconic motto of The Daily Mail:

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo

Bob Melonosky Teen Rambo

There I am, the tallest member of the Half Hollow Hills East JROTC Pershing Riflettes.  I wouldn't be the leader I am today if not for my pseudo-military service.  lol   That's funny because as a leader, I'm not.*

As a pseudo-military battalion we were distinguished by our nearsightedness and lack of physical prowess.  During one memorable School Spirit Day, we got beat in dodge ball by the Drama Club and lost to the Robotics Club in a tug-o-war.  What could we do well?  We tied a mean tie, better than most teens in the 70's. You want a Windsor knot?  That's a job for the Riflettes!

The finest physical specimen in our ranks was Major Angela "Legs" Legittino.  She's sitting on the left in the front row.  We called her Legs because Legittino was longer.

Angela used to like tying me up with her aiguilettes, then tickling me with her long nails until the twin solid propellants in my Pershing Missile went ballistic, firing my entire teen payload into orbit.   (I'm required by law to include at least one euphemism in every  one of these Throwback bits)



 Infographic provided to you homeslices because I care.

*Nor was I a follower.  I was a free radical without a nose. Got out of the military just in time. 

Throwback Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman
Throwback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber

Friday, April 10, 2015

The Saddest Pea Ever or The Daily Grind Just Got Rougher

This morning when I dragged myself off my chair, down the hall and into the men's room I had a rude awakening.


The saddest urinal ever


What the fuck is that blue thing in my urinal?

Where's Pinky Pisscadero?


Pinky Pisscadero

You remember the pinkies, my favorite type of urinal cake.  I obsessed over them back in the spring of 1993.

I Invent a New Game at Work - wherein I describe a new game I invented involving urinal cakes.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 2 - wherein I describe the incredibly drab interior design at work and pretend to pee on my boss.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 3 - wherein I reveal that I'm actually pretending to pee on despicable hedge fund manager Michael Weinberg and bitch endlessly about my boss.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 4 - wherein I go on an on about pink urinal cakes.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 5 Game Over! - wherein I describe my efforts to bring the game to the masses by starting a league for young urban professionals.

This new blue piece of plastic just lies there and gets wet much like a young Kim Kardashian in that video I've never seen.

When I complained to the building guy, he was like "It's a urinal screen.  It's the latest industrial design to keep a urinal free flowing and odor free."   He went on to say that the unique web design and channeled texture prevents splash back and that the bubblegum scent is guaranteed to last 30 days.

I didn't smell any bubblegum the last time I pissed.  I'm not sure how close you have to get to smell any odor other than the earthy scent of man urine.

The pink urinal cakes used to smell strongly of cheap soap and hard candy -- just like my grandma.
Unique web design prevents splash back.

So now I'm expected to spend 45 seconds doing nothing but peeing when I pee.  No stimulation whatsoever unless I rub one out.

Before my next visit to the men's room, I'm going to go outside, hang with the smokers and sneak a cigarette butt.  Then I'm going to throw it in the urinal and have an old fashioned cigarette hosing party. 

Disclaimer:

I love my boss funny



For the record, that's a picture of my coffee mug, and I do love my boss (wink). So, while it is true that I hate my job with a passion worthy of Mel Gibson, and it is true that my job is mind-numbingly boring, unfathomably useless and demeaning in ways that only a piss bucket boy from the 1700's would understand, it does pay the bills and I love my boss (wink).

My boss and everyone else in charge work very hard -- to make the rest of us feel small, insignificant, and miserable. But as my dad used to say, "Work is work. If it didn't suck worse than Karl Rove with a mouth full of broken glass, it wouldn't be work."

You saw the wink, right?

Thursday, April 9, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/9/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Kanye Kim Kardashian go to church Easter funny
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West take North to church as they celebrate Easter
My Comment:  If Kim goes to church regular, prays for forgiveness, and stops sinning, Jesus will put a baby in her belly.  I mean Jesus the gardner, obviously Kanye's shooting blanks.

Are we sure they're going to church?  It looks like the Yeezus Tour went so badly,  Kanye is taking on work as a house painter.


Kendall Jenner hot church Easter
Is that REALLY suitable for church? Kendall Jenner bares midriff in crop top for Easter service... then posts naked bunny snap 
My Comment:  At the Khurch of Kardashian all manner of wardrobe are accepted equally, be they midriffs, nipple exposing tight tops, or painter rags full of rips and hos.  Remember that Our Savior Kim went down on a rapper for our sins ON VIDEO. 


Kendall Jenner Kardashian Easter card hot funny

And so have I.


Mindy Kaling hot dating funny
Mindy Kaling denies knowing her brother pretended to be black when he applied to medical school 
My Comment:  You know what's funny?  Mindy pretended to be white on Tinder.  After meeting for coffee, I hooked up with her anyway because she was nice and nice looking.


Kelly Brook hot pose missionary funny
Kelly Brook shows off her yoga skills and ample assets
My Comment:  My yoga instructor used to call that The Missionary Position.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Tom Cruise mad disowned Suri Scientology
Tom Cruise 'hasn't seen eight-year-old daughter Suri in over a year'... as he starts work on 90-day shoot in Atlanta
My Comment:  Because Tom is a Mormon, he only really cares about his son. If Suri was with Tom, she would have to share her husband with other women so she is better off with her mom.  Rating ▼392

 Mormons really don't like Tom Cruise or being compared to Scientology.   In addition to the red disapproval, I got over 20 comments on the idiocy of my comment.  I felt bad so I responded.

My Comment on the Comments:  Scientology? I apologize. Sometimes I get those wacky tax-exempt cults confused.   Rating ▲14

Mormons are a forgiving people.

Tom Cruise not Mormon South Park funny

I do apologize, but in my defense, like most people,  I get all of my Mormon and Tom Cruise knowledge  from South Park.  And that is clearly Tom Cruise leading the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.