Monday, November 24, 2014

George W. Bush Books I Writed -- Part 1

You didn't believe I wrote twenty-seven books about George W. Bush for the Alabama National Air Guard True Life Adventure Series?  I found the box.


George W. Bush officer dinner funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in Dinner at the Officer's Club, 1996 -- A lighthearted look at the dining options available at the Officer's Club during the Vietnam era.  Lt. Bush preferred a Cornish game hen with black truffle sauce, red wine and a little head. 


George W. Bush Alabama air national guard story funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in a Foreign Exchange Student from UA  Birmingham, 2001 -- Before the femo-democrats started painting date rape as a bad thing, Lt. Bush was quite the lady's man.

George W. Bush officer purple heart Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in A Purple Heart for a Hernia, 1994 --  A Purple Heart, three nurses and enough morphine to put a smile on his mother's face, pretty good for a long weekend.


George W. Bush dead hooker funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in Another Dead Hooker, 2004 -- It's never the goal, and it often leaves you with a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, but acceptable levels of collateral damage are the price Bush was willing to pay in the pursuit of a really good time.


George W. Bush Andrew Wyeth Christina's World funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in George Bush Bangs the Chick from Christina's World, 1989 -- If you get this reference, you're at the wrong frickin' blog, my friend.

George W. Bush battle hamburger hill funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in The Battle of Hamburger Helper, 2002 --  Lt. George W. Bush and his buddies decide that those lucky bastards over in Nam shouldn't have all the fun so they stage the greatest paintball battle of all time.  Bush discovers that paint balls leave little welts so he applies for six Purple Hearts and his daddy makes sure he receives them.  James Caan joined in the fun.

George W. Bush lesbians party high cocaine funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in I Sold My Soul to the Devil to Party with Two Lesbians, 1986 -- The LGBT community called it "a sensitive portrayal."  Karl Rove called it a "slight exaggeration."

Only two parts and eighteen more books to go!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part 15

More books from the box in my mom's attic.


Clockwork Orange funny book bob melonosky
Man With The Mr. Potato Head Eye, 2000 --  In a post-apocalyptic London obsessed with the former Soviet Union and jockstraps, a mad scientist is building a human being from spare parts but forgets to dig up eyes.  Too lazy to go back to the graveyard, he steals an eye from his daughter's Mr. Potato Head.  Sounds stupid now but the kids thought it was the dog's bullocks.


Mitzi Kapture funny bob melonosky book
She Always Had a Headache, or Did She?  1987 -- Mitzi Malone was the perfect wife -  she sang like Mitzi Gaynor, stared vacantly like Mitzi Kapture and didn't have a kid named Paulie like Mitzi Shore.  But when Trevor wanted to consummate their marriage, she always had a headache.  Luckily, the Haitian housekeeper was always up for some action.


george W. Bush military book adventure funny bob melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush Goes Undercover 1995 -- I got to write 27 Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures and Lt. George W. Bush was the star of every single one.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part XIV

More books from the box in my mom's attic.


Bob Melonosky book Pele vs the ALiens funny
Pelé vs. the Aliens with Soccer Balls for Eyes, 1995 --  Back when Pelé could sell books, he single-footedly took on a massive alien invasion.  Atomic bombs, bazookas, the common cold, would not, could not, slow them down.   Luckily, the aliens had soccer balls for eyes and Pelé was really, really good at kicking soccer balls.



Bob Melonosky A Cotton-Top Tamarin Monkey in Every Hole horror story funny
A Cotton-Top Tamarin Monkey in Every Hole, 2004 --  Because everyone knows that there's nothing scarier than a tamarin monkey in a hole.   Now, imagine lots and lots of holes filled with tamarin monkeys. 


Lt. George W. Bush Bangs SOme Bama Bush military story Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures funny
Lt. George Bush Bangs Some 'Bama Bush, 1997 -- I got to write 27 Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures and Lt. George W. Bush was the star of every single one.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 11/5/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Buzz Aldrin rightwing nutjob
‘I am skeptical humans are causing global warming’: Buzz Aldrin says more research - and less politics - is needed
My Comment:  Buzz Aldrin is a fool. From the NASA website, 97% of Climate Scientists agree that the climate-warming trends over the past century are very likely due to human activities.

Buzz used to work for NASA.  Maybe now he works for Big Oil like the 3% of Climate Scientists that disagree.

Here's the NASA link.




Kim Kardashian pokies camel toe funny
Well, they do call it Silicon Valley! Kim Kardashian turns tech guru as she speaks at conference... but it's her curves that wow in tight white dress
My Comment:  If you press down on Kim's right button will I get a drop down of her panties allowing random access for my hard drive?

Computer euphemisms, more obvious than Kim's nipples. 


Linda Evangelista no make-up ugly funny fat
Linda Evangelista, 49, goes make-up free as she takes in the view from the balcony
My Comment:  That "Honey Boo Boo" show is looking for a new mom.  Linda should try out.



Kim Kardashian breast implant obvious
'My style has become sexier since becoming a mum': Kim Kardashian says revealing clothes make her feel good
My Comment:  In that first photo, the seam in her right implant looks like its about to break through the skin. Yuck!



Kylie Jenner lip botox injections puffy lips funny
'How long are we gonna talk about this lip thing?' Kylie Jenner hits back after critics slam her photos
My Comment:  Smother those lobes with onions and pass the salt.  Kylie's lips look a hunk of pink, juicy liver. 

It's funny because it's true.  Look again, carefully,  one of those botoxed lips is actually calf liver.  Really. Here's the Google Image Search.



Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Kim Kardashian nipples you'll poke you're eye out
Waist training was worth it! Kim Kardashian shows off her toned midriff in tight white dress at family get together
My Comment:  Kim's nipples have been out of control lately. It looks like they are trying to escape for a more normal life where they won't constantly be on parade.  Rating ▲5



Tamara Ecclestone looks like Barbie doll bikini tats funny
A real life Barbie doll! Bikini-clad Tamara Ecclestone displays an INCREDIBLY toned physique as she models for poolside shoot in Ibiza
My Comment:  Barbi doesn't have cheap looking tattoos -- unless you draw them on with a Sharpie.  Rating ▲24

See, now they look like twins, except for the cellulite.



Belle is a trap

Just for the record, after extensive research on Buzz Aldrin I made a sad discovery, Belle is a trap and she's hung like a fire hose. Years of fapping for naught.

Friday, October 24, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/24/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


King Tut Prince Charles separated at birth funny
The REAL face of King Tut: Pharaoh had girlish hips, a club foot and buck teeth according to 'virtual autopsy' that also revealed his parents were brother and sister
My Comment:   King Tut looks like Prince Charles in a nappy.  Maybe they're related.

Seriously, I'll give you that Prince Charles has better hair, but the buck teeth and girlish hips?  They could be twins.


Stephen A. Smith Jesus hates gays
They're besties already! Kourtney and Kim Kardashian's adorable daughters Penelope and North hold hands during family outing
My Comment:  Cousins hold hands!!!  News at eleven!!!

Don't worry Stephen A. Smith, they're probably not lesbians so Jesus still loves them, for now.


Victoria Beckham smiles
Business must be good! Victoria Beckham can't keep a huge smile off her face as she chats to customers at London store
My Comment:  I did the research, the last time Victoria Beckham smiled was June 15, 1967.    She looks pretty when she smiles, almost lifelike.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kim Kardashian fat ass funny
What was she thinking? Kim Kardashian dons a bizarre ensemble of knee-length cutoff jorts, open-back top and heels on date with Kanye West
My Comment:  Thinking? Kim Kardashian stopped trying to think in the 3rd grade.  Rating ▲1


Kim Kardashian fat ass funny 2


Kayne, always the silly prankster, takes advantage of Kim's loss of sensitivity due to her massive implants.  Funny guy.

Kayne prank Kim Kardashian fat ass funny

Ouch, sometimes funny becomes mean.  Poor Kim.

And because I know you want it, and because I care, and because I already went to the trouble of erasing the background, here's a Kim Kardashian Snow White Halloween cutout.  Guaranteed to scare the neighborhood kiddies.


Kim Kardashian snow white Halloween 2014 funny

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Celebrate National Diversity Day 2014!

A re-post from last year.  Since Diversity Day 2013, a white guy in Budget got a DUI and got promoted.  A black woman that worked for him got a DUI and got fired by HR.  Party on, Garth!  Diversity rocks! 


funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2014

About a month ago an e-mail arrived with that image and a bunch of HR crap. The key to that image is the colorless faces. Our clothes may be diverse (not really) but our faces are not. We is white.

Not only are we white, but management believes that the only thing women are good for is making copies and buying cards when someone is sick, dead or retiring.  And if somebody at the local office is gay? That gay guy is so deep in the closet, he's living in Narnia. 

Previously, we have successfully celebrated National Uniformity Day and National Homogeneity Day. Everyone still talks about the party we had back in 2011 for National Invariability Day.

Diversity, however, was a scary , new frontier.

The e-mail provided helpful and hopeful verbiage.

"This event will be held with much fanfare at headquarters and various local offices." HR codespeak for "this will happen whether you like it or not." I quickly tried to schedule a doctor's appointment.

"Here at ***** we are not strangers to potluck feasts and on this day we encourage an international twist to the foods and desserts that you bring." Hell yeah, we potluck with the best of them, maybe it won't be so bad. I cancelled that appointment.

"In addition, you may want to consider wearing traditional clothes or bring a photo of ancestors or an artifact you can talk about over lunch."  Will the boss wear his grandfather's beloved Gestapo uniform? The National Diversity Day Potluck was becoming a don't miss event.

 Here's a photo from the party.

funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2013

Only kidding. That's just a photo of an ancestor that Stan from Purchasing brought in to share.

Here's a real photo of the HR Diversity Committee in their native garb.

funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2014

When the signup sheet was posted in the break room I wanted to volunteer to bring white bread -- but 27 guys beat me to it. So, I brought in a case of bottled water.


funny celebrate National Diversity Day 2014 potluck feast

I can't wait for National Diversity Day 2015.  Here's hoping that the experience will encourage management to think outside the box and hire someone that likes whole wheat.

Friday, October 17, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/17/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


khloe Kardashian fat ass funny
Khloe Kardashian shows off her shapely derriere in tight leggings as she hits the gym for yet another gruelling workout
My Comment:  Shapely derriere?  Shapely like a Volkswagen bus?  Shapely like a barge full of refuse?  Shapely like a massive, amorphous blob visible from space?  Seriously DM, buy a dictionary.

From Webster's New World Dictionary:
shape · ly (shap-le) adj.  having a pleasing or graceful shape or form.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.



Trinny Woodall oops camel toe
Creature of habit: Trinny Woodall slips on a stylish navy and cream ensemble as she heads out to favourite Mayfair eatery with Charles Saatchi
My Comment:  Wow, Charles has traded in the comfortable Minivan for a sportier model!  Good for him.  She looks like a wild ride.  Rating ▲2

nigella


Who can blame Charles for leaving the Ford Transit back home in the garage? After a couple of years, you have to really press on the choke to get that bag of bolts operating properly.


Bristol Palin mugshot mug shot
Young mother who punched in policewoman's teeth as she tried to arrest her for urinating in the street gloated about attack on Facebook posting pictures of victim's blood
My Comment:  Great idea for FOX TV, this chick and Bristol Palin fight to the death. Guaranteed ratings!!! Call my agent, Rupert, and we'll talk.  Rating ▲7


Bristol Palin new reality tv show funny


If you think Bristol Palin doesn't stand a chance, here's a sneak preview from the "talent" competition.

Britol Palin swallowing a red bull can

That's America's Sweetheart Bristol Palin swallowing a can of Red Bull.   For the finale. those two crazy kids make that can disappear into places not even a pair of Levis would dare to enter.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Jaxson de Ville, Comedy Genius

My favorite mascot, Jaxson de Ville of the Jacksonville Jaguars, got in trouble over the weekend for making light of the Ebola disaster.


Before everyone starts hatin' on poor Jax, let's take a moment and remember all the good times.

How about the first half of that Pittsburgh game? Not bad.



Or this classic from 2012.

Jaxson de Ville ebola funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

When NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was nowhere to be found after the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson fiascoes, Mr. Jaxson was there to ease our pain.

Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

And no NFL Pink Breast October is complete without our man Jaxson increasing public awareness through humor.

Jaxson de Ville breast funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars


Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

After seeing this handmade poster, my grandmother went for her first ever mammogram at the age of 92!

Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars

So, before we all pounce on the hippest kitty to ever drive a Segway tweaked higher than Wes Welker at the Kentucky Derby, remember this.  It isn't easy being the illegitimate child of Cruella de Ville and Tony the Tiger performing in front of an empty stadium for the only team in the NFL that loses money faster than it loses games.

Jaxson de Ville funny NFL Jacksonville Jaguars