Monday, November 24, 2014

George W. Bush Books I Writed -- Part 1

You didn't believe I wrote twenty-seven books about George W. Bush for the Alabama National Air Guard True Life Adventure Series?  I found the box.

George W. Bush officer dinner funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in Dinner at the Officer's Club, 1996 -- A lighthearted look at the dining options available at the Officer's Club during the Vietnam era.  Lt. Bush preferred a Cornish game hen with black truffle sauce, red wine and a little head. 

George W. Bush Alabama air national guard story funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in a Foreign Exchange Student from UA  Birmingham, 2001 -- Before the femo-democrats started painting date rape as a bad thing, Lt. Bush was quite the lady's man.

George W. Bush officer purple heart Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in A Purple Heart for a Hernia, 1994 --  A Purple Heart, three nurses and enough morphine to put a smile on his mother's face, pretty good for one long weekend.

George W. Bush dead hooker funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in Another Dead Hooker, 2004 -- It's never the goal, and it often leaves you with a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, but acceptable levels of collateral damage are the price Bush was willing to pay in the pursuit of a really good time.

George W. Bush Andrew Wyeth Christina's World funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in George Bush Bangs the Chick from Christina's World, 1989 -- If you get this reference, you're at the wrong frickin' blog, my friend.

George W. Bush battle hamburger hill funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in The Battle of Hamburger Helper, 2002 --  Lt. George W. Bush and his buddies decide that those lucky bastards over in Nam shouldn't have all the fun so they stage the greatest paintball battle of all time.  Bush discovers that paint balls leave little welts so he applies for six Purple Hearts and his daddy makes sure he receives them.  James Caan joined in the fun.

George W. Bush lesbians party high cocaine funny Bob Melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush in I Sold My Soul to the Devil to Party with Two Lesbians, 1986 -- The LGBT community called it "a sensitive portrayal."  Karl Rove called it a "slight exaggeration."

Only two parts and eighteen more books to go!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part 15

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Clockwork Orange funny book bob melonosky
Man With The Mr. Potato Head Eye, 2000 --  In a post-apocalyptic London obsessed with the former Soviet Union and jockstraps, a mad scientist is building a human being from spare parts but forgets to dig up eyes.  Too lazy to go back to the graveyard, he steals an eye from his daughter's Mr. Potato Head.  Sounds stupid now but the kids thought it was the dog's bullocks.

Mitzi Kapture funny bob melonosky book
She Always Had a Headache, or Did She?  1987 -- Mitzi Malone was the perfect wife -  she sang like Mitzi Gaynor, stared vacantly like Mitzi Kapture and didn't have an annoying kid named Paulie like Mitzi Shore.  But when Trevor wanted to consummate their marriage, she always had a headache.  Luckily, the Haitian housekeeper was always up for some action.

george W. Bush military book adventure funny bob melonosky
Lt. George W. Bush Goes Undercover 1995 -- I got to write 27 Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures and Lt. George W. Bush was the star of every single one.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part XIV

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Bob Melonosky book Pele vs the ALiens funny
Pelé vs. the Aliens with Soccer Balls for Eyes, 1995 --  Back when Pelé could sell books, he single-footedly took on a massive alien invasion.  Atomic bombs, bazookas, the common cold, would not, could not, slow them down.   Luckily, the aliens had soccer balls for eyes and Pelé was really, really good at kicking soccer balls.

Bob Melonosky A Cotton-Top Tamarin Monkey in Every Hole horror story funny
A Cotton-Top Tamarin Monkey in Every Hole, 2004 --  Because everyone knows that there's nothing scarier than a tamarin monkey in a hole.   Now, imagine lots and lots of holes filled with tamarin monkeys. 

Lt. George W. Bush Bangs SOme Bama Bush military story Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures funny
Lt. George Bush Bangs Some 'Bama Bush, 1997 -- I got to write 27 Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures and Lt. George W. Bush was the star of every single one.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 11/5/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Buzz Aldrin rightwing nutjob
‘I am skeptical humans are causing global warming’: Buzz Aldrin says more research - and less politics - is needed
My Comment:  Buzz Aldrin is a fool. From the NASA website, 97% of Climate Scientists agree that the climate-warming trends over the past century are very likely due to human activities.

Buzz used to work for NASA.  Maybe now he works for Big Oil like the 3% of Climate Scientists that disagree.

Here's the NASA link.

Kim Kardashian pokies camel toe funny
Well, they do call it Silicon Valley! Kim Kardashian turns tech guru as she speaks at conference... but it's her curves that wow in tight white dress
My Comment:  If I press down on Kim's right button will I get a drop down of her panties allowing random access for my hard drive?

Computer euphemisms, more obvious than Kim's nipples. 

Linda Evangelista no make-up ugly funny fat
Linda Evangelista, 49, goes make-up free as she takes in the view from the balcony
My Comment:  That "Honey Boo Boo" show is looking for a new mom.  Linda should try out.

Kim Kardashian breast implant obvious
'My style has become sexier since becoming a mum': Kim Kardashian says revealing clothes make her feel good
My Comment:  In that first photo, the seam in her left implant looks like its about to break through the skin. Yuck!

Kylie Jenner lip botox injections puffy lips funny
'How long are we gonna talk about this lip thing?' Kylie Jenner hits back after critics slam her photos
My Comment:  Smother those lobes with onions and pass the salt.  Kylie's lips look like a hunk of pink, juicy liver. 

It's funny because it's true.  Look again, carefully,  one of those botoxed lips is actually calf liver.  Really. Here's the Google Image Search.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kim Kardashian nipples you'll poke you're eye out
Waist training was worth it! Kim Kardashian shows off her toned midriff in tight white dress at family get together
My Comment:  Kim's nipples have been out of control lately. It looks like they are trying to escape for a more normal life where they won't constantly be on parade.  Rating ▲5

Tamara Ecclestone looks like Barbie doll bikini tats funny
A real life Barbie doll! Bikini-clad Tamara Ecclestone displays an INCREDIBLY toned physique as she models for poolside shoot in Ibiza
My Comment:  Barbi doesn't have cheap looking tattoos -- unless you draw them on with a Sharpie.  Rating ▲24

See, now they look like twins, except for the cellulite.

Belle is a trap

Just for the record, after extensive research on Buzz Aldrin I made a sad discovery, Belle is a trap and she's hung like a fire hose. Years of fapping for naught.