Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Obligatory Michael Jackson Post

From the PtB Archives

Okay, an inevitable post about the recent trainwreck -- not the Mets, the Man in the Mirror.

"You should do a bit about Michael Jackson. Now, that would be funny."

You don't know how many times I've heard that lately. God forbid they should leave a comment so it looks like someone visits. No, its always face to face.

Problem is, I don't find Michael Jackson's death that funny. All that talent, all that money, wasted.

But I am here to please the three readers I have, so I'm going to repost an old Michael Jackson bit from back when he was alive and an old movie that you probably don't remember was in the theaters, Bad Santa.

To be honest I don't find the bit that funny. It was from a time when we were posting a bit a week for some reason I can't remember. I think casting lil' Michael as the dwarf was clever. Oh, and I do not include these photoshops in my portfolio. So now, for the guys at work, I give you Really Bad Santa starring Michael Jackson...

Really Bad Santa
Starring Michael Jackson

Before Bad Santa there was Really Bad Santa, a movie even the Farelly brothers wouldn't touch. The Melonosky brothers tried to cast Bill Murray, but he was too busy playing golf in France, they tried Billy Bob, but he was too busy beating an ex-wife, and then they found Michael. The role appealed both to Michael's inner child and the child he was in. Although never released due to legal wranglings with the distributor and Mr. Jackson's fifth amendment rights regarding self incrimination, I kept some stills from the set of some critical scenes. As you can tell, Bad Santa (playing at a theatre near you) is a blatant rip-off of our earlier work. An incredibly subtle, comic performance by lil' Michael Jackson, as Santa's little helper, who helps Santa find little helpers, almost saves the film.

Fade out.
Roll credits.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

$70,000,000 of Boo-Boos

There are nine teams with smaller payrolls than the Mets DL including my third favorite team, the classy Minnesota Twins.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Our Lovable Ragtag Bunch of Scrappy Blue Collar Guys

In my last post, I affectionately called the latest version of the Mets a "motley bunch of scrappy bush leaguers." Baseball salaries are effing unfathomable so I attempted to put a price tag on the players the Mets fielded last night. Data are from Cots' Baseball Contracts, basically it's salary plus prorated bonus. I assigned Santos, Switzer and F. Martinez the league minimum (I know Martinez got a big bonus when he was 16 but I don't know the length of his contract.).

Starting Lineup
$2,000,000 Cora
$401,000 Murphy
$7,750,000 Wright
$1,700,000 Tatis
$2,800,000 Church
$400,000 Santos
$925,000 Reed
$6,250,000 Castillo
$2,250,000 Redding

$409,500 Stokes
$400,000 Switzer
$400,000 F. Martinez
$9,166,667 F. Rodriguez

The Mets starting nine have a combined salary of $24,476,000. Add the subs (including don't call me K-Rod) and the total is $34,852,167.

So they can't compare to the Yankees 80 million dollar infield, but that ain't chicken scratch. Those 13 guys make about what the Florida Marlins entire roster will make in 2009.

Luis Castillo Giveth and He Taketh Away

Luis Castillo made a play last night that was as good as his drop last week was bad. Ranging way to the right, Castillo dove for the ball, got to his knees, and threw the strongest four hop throw to first that you will ever see.

No hype. Great play.

Castillo also went 3 for 3 with an rbi and two runs scored.

Wow, a positive post. I have discovered that positive posts are rare in sports blogs. This is especially true if a.) you are attempting to be funny and b.) your team is under performing. From now to the allstar break, with the Mets playing a slew of tough teams while sending out a motley bunch of scrappy bush leaguers, I will try my best to avoid typos.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Shameless Plug: The Vermont BJ Company

From the PtB Archives:I reposted a Father's Day Classic, The Vermont BJ Company.

This bit has a special place in comedy history. It was the first time National Lampoon ever rejected one of my submissions. It was called The Vermont BJ Company or How to Write a Funny Article for National Lampoon. Why did they reject it? I'll give you three guesses.
Was it not dirty enough for the frat boys? It's called Vermont BJ Company! Next.
Was it not funny enough? I wrote it! Next.

They were afraid of being sued? This is the U.S. of effing A. Satire and parody are protected under the first amendment, and by satire and parody, they mean any lame attempt at humor even if its not satire or parody, e.g., The Onion.

They rejected it because it made fun of National Lampoon.

That's when I realized that this was not my daddy's National Lampoon.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Is Luis Castillo Smarter than a Little Leaguer?

What's that, Luis? You want catching pop ups for $1,000?

Okay, when catching a pop up should you use one hand or two hands?
You look hesitant. Would you like to use you life line? Sure. Who is it? Gary Sheffield? Uh oh. Why not ask Lakeisha up there. She seemed very confident when she wrote down her answer. No? Okay. What is you answer?

Is Luis Castillo smarter than a Little Leaguer? No.

Look, he's going to catch that pop up 99,998 times out of 100,000. If he uses two hands, he's going to catch that pop up 99,999 times. Maybe that one time is going to be in the ninth inning, with two outs, and two on, up by one, against the hated Yankees, with the despicable Alex Rodriguez at the plate.

Luis, if you use two hands, maybe you catch it. If you use two hands, you definitely won't have to hear about it on sports talk radio from every dick with a phone.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Biden Bid to Bury Boner Beneath Begonias

There's no journalism like Rupert Murdoch journalism -- I'll let you fill in the punchline.

Biden Bid to Bury Boner. Now that's what I call an alliteration!

How about, Illustrative Illiteration Inuendo? I can do it, too.

Except that nobody under 35 knows the dictionary definition of boner. When normal people hear the word boner they think, penis, erection, dick, cock (please note that I put in the extra effort and arranged those words in decending order based on the likelihood of one of them being said by Laura Bush when she's sober. That's the kind of craftsmanship you've come to expect at PtB).

bon·er (bō'ner) n. [Slang] a stupid or silly blunder

When I first read this headline my brain, along with every other brain reading the New York Post, finished it with "in Michelle Obama!" My unique combination of OCD and Tourettes even compelled me to write it in pencil on the page although I managed to stop myself before I included the exclamation point.

You might ask, "What's the point?" I would reply, "Of the article? I have no idea, I never got past the headline. Of this post? Good point, no point. Except, maybe, the obvious, the headlines are the only reason to read the New York Post."

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Morning Camel Toe (or is it cameltoe) and the Struggles of Local Newspapers

This morning I was sitting in my cubicle for only a few minutes, perusing the New York Times website hoping for some early morning stimulation from the wit and wisdom of Frank Rich or one of his esteemed colleagues, when Steve in the next cubicle yelled out.

"Hey, you wanna see some cameltoe?"

Is 6:50 AM a little early for porn? lol Ouch, I just hurt myself.

As I bounded out of my chair, my mind raced. Porn at work? It's not only a no-no, it's an impossibility. Our internet access is so restricted that we can't visit yahoo because it's a "web community" site.

When I finally got to Steve's cubicle, out of breath, face flushed, I mean come on it's almost 5 feet away, I saw this:


It's LoHud.com, the internet home of the Journal News, a Gannett Co. Inc. newspaper serving Westchester, Rockland and Putnam counties in New York. The Pulitizer prize winning Journal staff did a hard hitting investigation into the hot babes lounging on the beach over the weekend. Why am I reading the Times?

Oh yeah, here's the close up of the camel toe because I care about my reader (you know who you are).

There is nothing like the newspaper and the morning's first cup of coffee.