Friday, December 17, 2010

A Very Special Sarah Palin Alaska Christmas

Re-wrapped, re-gifted, repeat, from deep within the archives, for your Christmas comedy enjoyment, Sarah Palin and a kid kill stuff.

Special Sarah Palin Alaska Christmas Edition - Sarah Palin, determined to put the Christ back in Christmas, kills reindeer.

funny sarah palin christmas

Sarah Palin spending quality time with a boy
that looks cold. Christians in Alaska enjoy a Christmas
that is a little bit better than us regular folks.

funny sarah palin christmas

Sarah Palin putting the Christ back in Christmas!
Probably not really a reindeer but close enough
for this New Yorker. Can you be more funny?
e-mail us

funny sarah palin christmasJesse Gonder of Little Rock, AR submits this frightening
Fotoshop Funny. When you think about it,
Santa is a socialist!!! Can't Sarah see the North
Pole from her front step? Has she alerted the
Alaska Air National Guard? Sarah Palin weak on socialists?
I don't think so!

funny sarah palin christmas

VinceDontNoNuthin29 of Jacksonville FL went with a surefire
moose mention and some down home g-droppin'.
I may know nuthin' about no huntin' but that ain't no
moose. Elk, maybe, reindeer, could be, caribou,
probably, but sure as shootin' ain't no Bullwinkle.

funny sarah palin christmas

From jcMartin9, whereabouts unknown. Violence against
a journalist can never be tolerated, unless we're
talking an elitist, Washington insider at CNN. The only
thing Sarah Palin hates more than that Jesus-bashing Santa Claus
is the mainstream media.

funny sarah palin christmas

Ouch! Claude E. Lockwood 's vicious punch to the gut
left me gasping for air. Only complaint, too many
words. But funny is funny!

Friday, December 10, 2010

A Charlie Brown Christmas or Linus is a Teabagger

I saw this old ad on dougsploitation blog and I got to thinking. Wasn't the whole point of the Charlie Brown Christmas special that Christmas had gotten too crassly commerical? Look at Snoopy's doghouse! Can't get crasser than that; Coca Cola and Kellogg's, the Breakfast of Champions. Schulz sold out so fast that they couldn't even wait to find a Kelloggs logo that fit the drawing.

I'm one of the few people that didn't like this TV show. It was way too religious for me. Linus sent a cold shiver down my spine. What kind of kid memorizes the entire second chapter of the Gospel of Luke then recites it at a party?

I'll tell you what kind. A right-wing religious nutjob kind of kid. Don't be fooled by his mellow, thumbsucking ways. Sure he used to lisp quietly and carry a big blanket, but those kind of kids sometimes turn into the ugliest kind of adults.


funny teabgger teaparty sign peanuts And not the good, horny, gay kind of teabagger, the bad hate-filled, Jesus-loving, racist kind of teabagger.

Now visit dougsploitation. It is a very cool site.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Even More ESPN Humor - Instant Karma's Gonna Get You has a regular cartoon strip called "Girls & Sports" that is never funny. You think the title of the strip sucks? Wait until you get to the punchlines.

Here's today's cartoon:

lol? Didn't think so.

Here's the part where I try to be funnier. Remember, we have established earlier in the week that this guy is a poorly drawn Ben Roethlisberger.

funny ben roethlisberger
Okay, here we go:

Nah, I'm only kidding. Making fun of ugly chicks can never be a bad thing. Here's the real cartoon:

Thank you , New Jersey! And good night!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

More ESPN Humor: Girls and Sports - No Ugly Chicks Allowed has a regular cartoon strip called "Girls & Sports" that is never funny. You think the title of the strip sucks? Wait until you get to the punchlines.

Here's today's cartoon:

Awful girl? Is that how guys at ESPN talk?

I haven't been reading this stuff for long so I have no idea who the hell Marshall and Harris are. Maybe they're richer than Bill Gates or nicer than Mother Theresa, but, if they are just loser, douchebag posers that sit home every night watching Sportscenter, then they should be thanking their Personal Savior Jesus Christ like Kurt Warner after a win.

Look at the rack on Jessie! That dwarf Harris could get lost in them thar hills.

Here's the part where I try to be funnier:

espn cartoon ain't funny girls sports

espn girls sports cartoon funny
Wait just one minute, Bob! That's you. You're always in italics and dark blue.

Wait just one minute, Bob! Give and go is a sports reference. Therefore, the strip qualifies as Girls & Sports.

Did you fail to notice that I cleverly replaced "a lot in common" with "both Packer fans?"


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

ESPN Humor: Girls & Sports - Dating Do's and Don't's has a regular cartoon strip called "Girls & Sports" that is never funny. Even the title of the strip sucks. I've got a meeting with the suits up in Bristol next week where I'm going to pitch a comic called "Girls, Sports, Beer & Video Games."

Here's today's cartoon:

ESPN's Girls and Sports sucks the funny out of not Wow, that is so bad that even Derek Anderson wouldn't laugh at it. (Yeah, I'm kissing some serious ESPN ass but forgive me, I really need a paying gig.) You draw a beefy guy wearing Big Ben's number 7, and the guy has a death grip on the wrist of a hot little chick, and that's all you got?

Here's my shot at being funnier:

ESPN girls and sports funny
I could, go, all, the, way!!!

With little cartoon Joann and with this bit. Expect more, it's way too easy. And if you are from ESPN, instead of threatening to sue me, let's talk about ways to put funny into your humor.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

hot pilgrim thanksgiving pin up Prithee! Yon savages aim to plow my virgin
ground with their native arrows.

Give thanks to the Lord on this day!

More Art Appreciation at

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

More Wall Street Journal Humor: Classic Slob on the Couch Bit

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper... and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

Not funny and written for shit. Why did the guy write "we?" Are the two women talking to us, the Wall Street Journal readers? If the straight-haired woman is talking to the curly-haired woman, it should be "I'm waiting..." It's supposed to be funny because a disgusting nobody can't possibly do anything worthy of human drama. Does anybody at the Wall Street Journal watch television? Reality shows are human drama performed by disgusting nobodies.

I have to admit that it's a pretty good drawing but I would have taken the time to erase all those errant pencil marks. I believe that an artist should have some respect for his work, especially if he's getting paid. Also, he forgot to finish drawing the guys arms and those picture frames. Lazy.

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after months of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me, we'll talk.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bristol Palin's Heaving Breasts and More Snarky Comments

Because this blog has turned into, more of the Dancing Queen (not the gay guy, Bristol).

Random Rude Remarks with photos from last night's performance on DWTS.

bristol palin breasts There is no truth to the rumor that Bristol Palin made it to the finals by eating the other contestants. (FYI, those are her heaving breasts)

bristol palin prom Finally, Bristol has flattering prom photos where she doesn't look 6 months pregnant.

Her partner tried to explain to her that musical chairs was not a style of dance popular in pre-war Berlin, but Bristol always knows better.

And now a cheap shot at her mother, Sarah Palin. This is Sarah Palin's actual prom photo.

sarah palin prom

I have to admit that I'm pretty disappointed. Sarah is not all that. She looks like the chubby wannabe loser in Saturday Night Fever that John Travolta boinks in the backseat and then dumps off the Verrazano Bridge. Believe me, Sarah would not win any beauty pageants in Brooklyn. And that cheap date didn't even buy her a corsage. No wonder she ended up with Todd.

This concludes today's Bristol Palin update. Thanks for coming.

More Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe - what happens when too tight pants meet too large labia majora.
Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - see above only plural.
Bristol Palin in a Monkey Suit - see above only furrier.
Friday Fotoshop Funnies: Bristol Palin Shakes her ... - ass.
Bristol Palin or Rare Pink Hippo? - you decide.
Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy? - rare photo of Bristol after she's been ridden hard and put away wet.
I Wouldn't Fuck Bristol Palin with Ann Coulter's Dick! - Bristol goes to a tea party wearing $13,000 earrings.

Black Man Punches Serial Sex Offender Gets Fined $25,000

Richard Seymore of the Oakland Raiders punches the white O.J. Simpson, rapist Ben Roethlisberger.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe (or cameltoe if you live in Kentucky), what's all the ruckus? As you can clearly see from this screen capture, I've been getting a ton* of visitors looking for Bristol Palin camel toe. The only Bristol Palin bodyparts that are getting more attention are Bristol Palin legs and Bristol Palin breasts.

Why are masses of horny, one-handed surfers landing on my beach? Google. I'm number 3 for Bristol Palin camel toe. Yeah, my mom is proud.

While I have her legs displayed prominently in various posts so I can make fun of them, and her breasts (completely obscured by clothing) have been known to hang around here, there have not been any camel toes belonging to Bristol Palin on this blog, until now. I always aim to please my anonymous, dick-holding fans. This toe is for you!

Here she comes, walking down the street.

bristol palin camel toe cameltoe
In too tight pants, licking a frozen treat. Hey, hey its Bristol Palin.

Come closer, Bristol. Closer. Pay no attention to the camera I have duct taped to my shoe.

bristol palin camel toe cameltoe Got it. Time to zoom in.

bristol palin camel toe cameltoe
Sweet merciful crap, that's a beautiful camel toe. Are you sure that you wouldn't rather have a nice photo of Britol Palin's beer gut? I'm going to have to use photoshop to enhance the toe. It's there, it's just hard to see. Give me a few minutes.

bristol palin camel toe cameltoe

I'd rather have the frozen yogurt. What is it with you guys and your camel toes? Breasts, I understand. Legs, I like the legs. A juicy, bouncy butt rippling and jiggling with every move that she makes. Duh. A cute face, a beautiful face, nice shiny hair? Yes. Yes. Yes. Even a big sloppy, puffy vag stuck in my face, I can get with that program. But a camel toe - the slight indication that a woman may have an orifice concealed under clothing that we all know she has. It don't yank my chain.
*Ton is relative. Maybe a kilo of visitors would be more accurate.

Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - An Update

funny bristol palin camel toes or cameltoes
Now we know why Bristol dances like shit.

Seriously, her mother should shoot a camel and make slippers out of those bad boys. They look warm and snuggly.

Does anyone know why camel feet have that weird hole in the front?

Big thanks to regular contributor William Safire for suggesting this update in his comments!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Michael Vick is a Video Game

Michael VIck is a video game, Michael Greenberg is an asskisser

The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game
Circus After Dark Productions
Platform: Xbox Rated: Mature
☆☆☆☆☆ (
32 customer reviews)

Price: $39.99

399 new from $9.89 8 used from $2.99

In stock.
Processing takes an additional 4 to 5 days for orders from this seller.
Ships from and sold by Circus After Dark Productions.

Product Features

  • Take a young, agressive prospect through the keep all the way to The Show.
  • Start out as a junior handler, shit shoveller, bucket boy, NFL quarterback, enforcer or getaway driver.
  • Need to get rid of puppies that are too nice? Drown 'em, strangle 'em, break their necks, skin 'em, you decide!
  • Play by Cajun Rules or make up your own damn rules.
  • Test your dog's gameness with 12 different bait animals including rabbits, kittens, poodles, and the ever popular Mexican Hairless.

Product Description

Dogfighting, we've all dreamed it but do you have what it takes to join the ranks of the cruel, ruthless dogmen? Heartless enough to turn a lovable scamp into a cold-blooded Grand Champion? Find out, order The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game today!

Celebrity Reviews

"Not since Jesus of Nazareth has a better, more deserving man risen from the ashes! Michael Vick is the greatest man ever, until Tiger Woods wins another major. I love him and want to bear his children and wipe his ass with my tongue." Mike Greenberg, Mike and Mike in the Morning, ESPN Radio.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Disney Week: And Disney Created Woman...

I'm ending Disney Week with a regurgitation of a favorite bit updated for 2010.

Disney World has a major problem. Mother nature and her darned DNA can't make a woman that lives up to the standards created by the horny artists locked up in those Disney Studios. While standing in long lines in the hot sun, I expect the type of eye candy ol' Walt used to put up in Cinemascope. Instead I get this...

Ariel, The Little Mermaid

Ahhh, there is nothing like a sweet, innocent, half-fish, half-gorgeous teen, with beautiful C-shells. (For the purposes of this discussion lets assume she's at least 18. She got married in the movie and it didn't look like Arkansas.)

Okay, so the woman (I can't bring myself to say "actress") portraying Ariel is attractive but compared to the cartoon version she looks like yesterday's bait! Look at Ariel's body! What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to filet that tuna!


Poor, bookish Belle, alone in a spooky mansion with a beast that lisps like that half-a-fag Robbie Benson. Her only friends? A candle and a bunch of other household crap. God, she must have wanted to crush that loud-mouth teapot into a whole family of Chips.

Whoa, look at the mug on the human Belle. What rodent did she sleep with to get the job? What rodent did her mom sleep with to get that kid?


Jasmine, in a perpetual tie with Pocahontas for sexiest, non-white Disney babe, she's fallen a bit from grace what with Aladdin sitting in Guantanamo and her magic carpet perpetually grounded because her name keeps getting put on Homeland Security's "No Fly List."

Again, I'm sure the human Jasmine is cute when she dresses up as Chip 'n/or Dale but she doesn't even look Arabic (OK, that might a been what the suits in Orlando were going for). Look at the cartoon Jasmine! A 10-inch waist, a nice full B-cup, and more curves than the Saudi peninsula. Ya never had a friend like me, baby!

Aurora, Sleeping Beauty

I've never seen the movie Sleeping Beauty (at one point growing up I was a boy). I'm sure the story is very nice, involves her mother being dead and includes some lesbian-overtones with furry, little woodland creatures.

I think the human Aurora's been snoozing, after filling up with ribs at the Piglet cookout. They needed the leftover material from Jasmine's pants for that dress! The "real" Aurora looks more like a Barbie doll than a Barbie doll. Can a woman have a waist smaller than 10 inches? Where does she put her important stuff, like her stomache, intestines and gall bladder?


Ah, Cinderella, everyone's dream girl, always on her knees in front of her evil stepsisters, spending hours taking care of their wood floors. Scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, until they're both satisfied with her handiwork. Oh my, where was I? Oh yeah, blogging.

Now this Cinderella is cute in a girl-next-door-to-the-grain-elevator-you-can-get-drunk-with-some-Jack-and-Kool-Aid-and-cop-a-feel-kind-of-way. The real Cinderella looks more like a Barbie doll than Sleeping Beauty, 'cept she has that collar on. I like that collar. Where's my leash and my chew toy?

Jane, from Tarzan

Jane is hard to talk about 'cause I keep thinking of that big headed woman who did her voice, who women think is good-lookin' but we all know really isn't (except for Matt Damon but he was supposed to be an idiot savant Mic in that movie and can't really be taken seriously). She's kind of like Meryl Streep or maybe more like Glenn Close, I mean come on I would have been more likely to do John Lithgow than Glenn in that movie and she was wearing an old school nurse uniform which usually does the trick for me.

Let's just focus on the necks. The human Jane is cute, but cartoon Jane's neck is so thin you could wrap your thumb and forefinger around it -- twice. Why is that HOT!?! And while we're talking about necks that look like the stick in a Tootsie Blow Pop, what did Jane Jetson see in George?


This was almost a tie! Apparently native americans are hot in acetate and human flesh. I asked for her number at Goofy's Beach Club Character Breakfast. She told me that her long tortuous relationship with John Smith had left her with a strong distaste for the white man. Damn English!

Of course the cartoon version has tom-toms the size of wigwams and a face that can not exist in the real world, especially on the Rez. Pocahontas' face is so caucasian that it looks like it belongs on one of those sexy goldfish from Walt's early days. She has no nose, just slits -- because fish breathe with gills, stupid. And if her eyes were any more spread apart, she would have no depth perception at all, but would be able to see a larger fish sneaking up on her from behind.

Minnie and Daisy

Actually, Minnie is kinda cute and what does it matter what the chick inside looks like? I'm going to make her keep the head on anyway. Daisy? She's keeping the whole suit on. I've yet to experience a cloaca.* Come to think of it, if she's only done it with Donald she's has no experience with external gentalia, so we're both in for a treat.

Update for 2010

Princess Tiana

Hottest African-American princess ever. Looking good in the flesh and as a computer graphic. I have no jokes because I am old and have not seen a Disney princess movie that's come out after 1999.

Alright I'll give it a try. The cartoon Tiana looks like she's fifteen so you know R. Kelly would hit it -- with piss. The human Tiana is way older and looks just like Phylicia Rashad, but I would hit it. Wait, it is Phylicia Rashad! Phylicia Rashad working at Disney World. It's sad but I'd still hit it.
That's what I get for trying. Next time I'll mail it in.

The highlight of my visit to Disney world was not the real life characters. Human Jasmine was a major disappointment. She was wearing a bathrobe with a hood and was showing less skin than Mary Poppins.

However, if you are a pervert, do not miss Mickey's Philharmagic. Jasmine and Ariel both make an appearance in glorious 3-D and shove their considerable assets right in your face. I instinctively whipped out my wallet and tired to shove a few bills into their g-strings.

Finally, take a look at Ariel, specifically where her body transforms from human to fish.

What is that adipose fin-like appendage that circles her waist and points directly at her vagina (if she has a vagina). It can't be used for propulsion and isn't even aerodynamic.
Here's a close up.

I did exhaustive research on mermaids on the internet for five minutes and found these guys.

mermaids None of them have Ariel's g-string-ish fin thing. So, the horny Disney artists must have invented it. I like to believe that they included a zipper hidden beneath her scales that allows for easy access.

Finally (for real this time), during my research I found this photo of Alyssa Milano dressed as a mermaid. Enjoy.

alyssa milano mermaid

*Cloaca - the posterior opening that serves as the only such opening for the intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts of certain animal species. Some fish, and all birds, repitles and amphibians possess this orifice.