Monday, March 30, 2015

Best Matzo Ball Recipe Ever - Another Holiday Rerun

This article first appeared in the April 1967 edition of Food and Wine Magazine. It is reprinted here with permission.

best matzo ball soup ever, delicious fluffy matzo balls, funny matzo balls

The best matzo balls I've ever eaten are made by my grandmother, Nana Melonosky. They are light as cumulus clouds with a deep flavor and an "al dente" bite.  On a recent visit to Brooklyn, I spent a few glorious hours in my Bubby's kitchen making the perfect bowl of Passover matzo ball soup.

Leaden versus fluffy?  Sinkers vs. floaters?  Nana has a strong opinion.   She reminded me that a hard-centered matzo ball killed my Uncle Murray Mazer back in 1987.  An autopsy revealed that a leaden matzo ball had become lodged in his colon, causing "blockage and such pain, you shouldn't know from."  Carbon dating traced the ball back to April 1957.  The traces of dried parsley and club soda identified my Aunt Sheila as the most probable suspect.

I asked Nana if her secret was club soda.

"Uch! That farshimmelt idea wasn't new in the 50's.  Drek mit leiber.  Come tatelleh, let Bubby show you how to make the best matzo balls ever."

So that you may serve your family a bowl full of love and deliciousness during the coming holidays, I have translated my Nana's pinches of this and handfuls of that into a recipe you can duplicate in your home.

Nana's Perfect Passover Matzo Balls

Preparation Time: 6 hours

2 cups all purpose flour
1 cup matzo meal
4 eggs separated, whites beaten to soft peaks
A shmear of chicken schmaltz (rendered chicken fat)
1/2 cup finely minced white onions (use a grater)
1/4 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1. In a large bowl combine all ingredients except the egg whites and onions.

2. Carefully fold in the egg whites.

3. In a large frying pan render down 1/2 pound bacon, preferably wood-smoked. Discard bacon.  Cook the onions in the bacon fat until translucent.  Add everything to the bowl and barely combine.

4. Refrigerate for 3 hours or overnight.

5. Fill your biggest pot with water and bring to boil.  With wet hands, form the mixture into the size and shape of one of Natalie Portman's pert, Jewish breasts.   Put gently in the pot.  Repeat.  Cook for 45 minutes.

Serves: 6 hungry bulvans, 4 drowsy alta kockers, 3 gentiles, and 4 kvetching yentas with their "Uch, can I get a half a ball, bubbellah?  They go straight to my hips and no carrots, they give me gas."


I was shocked when I saw Nana use the flour and the bacon.  Nana explained, "The goyim know a thing or too about making dumplings so I borrowed some ideas.  The flour lightens up the matzo balls.  You add matzo meal to water, whatta you get?  You get cement!  Good for making pyramids, not so good for fluffy matzo balls.  And the bacon?  What isn't better with bacon?"

I asked her about keeping Kosher, especially during Passover.  Nana gave an argument worthy of a Talmudic scholar, "Everyone starts out being good but by the third day? Enough with this matzo already.  If you're gonna cheat anyway, why ruin a perfectly good seder?  As Rabbi Jose, the Gallilean said, "What they don't know, won't hurt them."

Given that this is my Jewiest post ever I'm providing my non-Jewish readers with a Yiddish glossary.

Bubby - grandma
Farshimmelt - confused, mixed up
Drek mit leiber - shit with liver
Tatelleh - little father, affectionate
Schmear - dollop
Shmaltz - in this instance, chicken fat
Alta kocker - literally, an old shit or old fart
Bulvan - man built like an ox
Kvetching - complaining
Yenta - gossipy female
Uch - oh my
Bubellah - sweatheart usually used for grandchildren
Goyim - gentiles
Leybikhe - lioness



sexy hot grandma feet, nana melonosky
A younger Nana Melonosky looking like the star of "The Leybikhes of Grossingers."  No comments about her sexy feet, please.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/26/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

'There was a lot of sighing and tutting': Simon Cowell hits out at 'grumpy' airline passenger who complained about baby Eric on long-haul flight
My Comment:  I heard the kid was a bastard on the flight.  Which is funny because the kid really is a bastard.  Simon impregnated his best friend's wife while she was married to the friend.  Cheeky bastard.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Cindy Crawford goes braless in white mesh dress during sexy shoot
My Comment:  Cindy looks like she's fallen and she can't get up... but I rubbed one out to her 25 years ago and I'll probably rub one out in her honor tonight.  Rating ▲0

Not much of a comment but now I know that "rub one out" will get through the censors.  Sweet.


Has Kim Kardashian ruined her hair? Reality star's blonde locks look frazzled after bleaching THREE times.
My Comment:  She's ruined her butt, she's ruined her face, now she's ruined her hair. At least she's consistent.   Rating ▲25


Her little co-star! Kylie Jenner cuddles up to her new puppy Bambi after filming pooch's first scene for KUWTK
My Comment:  Can you imagine the horrible, horrible things that dog will see?!? Bambi should write a book. If Kylie can write a book, I'm sure a dog can. Rating ▲2


Damn, that dog is quick.  Probably figures that by next week she'll be replaced by the latest lip gloss.




Whoa, I found another at Amazon.  Smart dog, somebody has to pay for her kibble and kokaine.



The Daily Mail is truly the paper of record.


Friday, March 20, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/20/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny daily mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Bristol Palin engagement photo 2015 Dakota
Bristol Palin says she's engaged to Medal of Honor recipient 
My Comment:   Will the marriage last longer than the pregnancy?  Watch Bristol's new reality TV show coming this fall to find out!

I know what you're thinking.  Why would a smart, courageous young man get engaged to a brainless skank from the most dysfunctional family in America?


Bristol Palin Dakota Obama

Because he wants to run for congress and Obama is already married.


Simon COwell thums down up funny
She has no class, no taste, she'll never work again': Louis Walsh says Natalia Kills will never get hired after bullying a contestant on The X Factor
My Comment:   Simon Cowell has no class, no taste, impregnated his best friend's wife and is an insufferable bully -- and he has a great career.  I think she'll go far.


Chloe Sevigny lobster hot naked
Chloe Sevigny poses for provocative naked cover shoot with BIZARRE lobster prop between her legs

My Comment:  Sevigny juice has just replaced garlic butter as my favorite lobster accompaniment.

My Comment:  Dangle your red wiggler anywhere near Chloe's honey pot and it's liable to get snipped off.

My Comment:  Look! Look, one crawled behind the refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed at night.  Looks like Woody Allen was right.

The extremely rare triple rejection sulkow.


Busy Phillips funny
She's keeping Busy! Ms Philipps wears two bright dresses in one day as she is honoured for her children's charity work 
My Comment:   I wouldn't mid getting busy with Busy.  Philling her lips with mine.  Getting our Freak and Geek on as we... or screw it, this'll never get accepted.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Elton John Victoria Beckham
Is the boycott over already, Elton? John holds a D&G shopping bag in LA just one day after furious row with designers who called IVF babies 'synthetic'
My Comment:   Give Elton a break, that bag is adorable!  Rating ▼118



Dolce & Gabbana controversy
Dolce & Gabbana under fire AGAIN as critics discover ad that depicts 'woman being gang raped' 
My Comment:  Dolce & Gabana are obviously trying to appeal to college frat boys. Anything for money, this is the U$.  Rating ▲9


Chloe Sevigny lobster hot naked
Chloe Sevigny poses for provocative naked cover shoot with BIZARRE lobster prop between her legs
My Comment:  I've dated a girl with crabs but this is ridiculous! Rating ▲2


If at first you don't succeed, try, try again -- until your pleopods are snuggled deeply into the folds of  of Chloe Sevigny's nether regions.

Monologue Jokes I Tried to Sell to Jay Leno

Jay Leno jokes I sold not

The Gunman starring Sean Penn.  Because Liam Neeson was busy that week.

It's going to snow again in New York City and residents don't seem too happy about the idea of another 2 to 5 inches.  Kind of like when Jimmy Fallon and I take turns with my wife.

"I Pity the Tool." Not what my wife says, the new home improvement show starring Mr. T.

Kim Kardashian claims that she has sex with Kanye 500 times a day and still can't get pregnant.  Now we know what's inside her massive butt.

You think you have problems?  Did you hear about poor John Stamos?  After he has sex with women, they all want to take selfies.   Hey John, my sex life is selfies!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/17/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Jessica Simpson hot mug shot
Jessica Simpson wears an ill-advised outdated ensemble for date night.
My Comment:   Jessica looks like a transvestite convict in "Orange is the New Black."

Hey Big Jess, I have more hormones than I need and your 5 o'clock shadow is kicking in before lunch.  We should talk.


Suzanne Shaw pregnancy test funny
Suzanne Shaw announces she is expecting her first child with fiance Sam Greenfield with cute candid video.
My Comment:  Classy!  The next celebrity mom-to-be will share a selfie of the creampie.

I predict that Kim Kardashian will be the first celebrity to post a creampie selfie of the moment of conception of her 2nd child.

Kim Kardashian creampie funny

Oops, looks like I'm right again.  Kim has revealed that she and Kanye have sex 500 times a day but she still can't get knocked up.  Do you think they're using the wrong orifice?  Not the two brightest stars in the reality skies.  Also, not sure they understand how to count.


Victoria Beckham make up funny
Victoria Beckham risks ruining her flawless make-up as she sheds a TEAR at Alexander McQueen fashion gala 
My Comment:   Victoria looks like an evil stepmother in a Tim Burton movie.  You expect a maggot to crawl out of her implants.  Corpse Bride II: The Unsmiling Undead?


corpse bride funny

Maggot:  Yuck,too many artificial ingredients.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Revived by the power of love: Incredible moment 'dead' premature baby came back to life after mother begged to cuddle him for a few last moments and ordered baby's dad to take off his shirt and help
My Comment:  It is well known in the Aborigine culture that rubbing a hairy man chest on a dead baby will bring it back to life. Western medicine can learn so much from misunderstood "savage" societies.  Rating ▲4

Or maybe the baby wasn't actually dead and why did this nasty comment go green?  St. Patty's Day, maybe?