Friday, January 31, 2014

Must Be Willing to F**k Ugly Women at a Moment's Notice

Yesterday, while cruising through my favorite sites, I came upon an ad.

family guy cleveland wife donna naked

It was one of those ads that say stuff like:

Must be willing to fuck ugly women at a moment's notice or
Better than Craigs List  or
Your wife will hate this site. 

Just for the record, I have been willing to fuck ugly women at a moment's notice since I was 15.  If you are a man that doesn't look like Brad Pitt, the same goes for you.  Thankfully, ugly women are willing to fuck us, eventually.  If this wasn't true, the human species would have died out a billion years ago.

But let's focus in on the ad.

donna tubbs naked


The first thing you notice is that the woman is the wife of Cleveland, the black neighbor on Family Guy.  The second thing you notice is that it's not his ugly ex-wife Loretta but the beautiful, second wife Donna. Something is fishy about this ad.

An ad that is not for a website that contains cartoon porn but a site that promises to hook you up with ugly women that just want to have sex.

Usually, the women in these ads look like this:

willing to fuck ugly women funny

They tend to be  attractive but without the usual accoutrements that put models and porn stars over the top. Stuff like makeup, hair spray and naughty lingerie.  They also tend to be real women.  They have skin and bones and volume.  (On a personal note, it saddens me that the blonde kid from i-Carly has to perform sex acts on soda cans to pay the bills.)

Imagine you are a pathetic guy like me. Home alone night after night in your rundown apartment. Just you, your computer and a wad of tissues that are about to wish you had used them to blow your nose. You're desperately surfing the web for some relief.  Relief from the boredom, the loneliness, the despair.  You see this ad with a naked cartoon woman dancing dirty.  Granted most of the blood in your body is in an organ that is not your brain but still,wouldn't you realize that you can not hook up with  a drawing no matter how ugly she is or how much you're willing to pay?

Maybe you and me are not the target audience for this ad.

Maybe the target audience are guys like Tom,


Fred,

and George.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 1/29/14

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

funny Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria cuddle up for the cameras as she celebrates being on magazine cover
My Comment:  It's nice to see Alec Baldwin spending quality time with his estranged daughter. Oh, that's his wife? Nevermind.

President Cristina Kirchner hot
Fidel Castro holds court in Cuba as Argentina's Cristina Kirchner stops by for a friendly pre-summit chat
My Comment:  I'd communist party with President Kirchner all night long! ¡Muy inteligente y sexy!

Kim Kardashian before and after photoshop funny breasts
'It's out of control!' Lactating Kim springs a leak on Keeping Up With The Kardashians
My Comment:  I'm surprised Kim hasn't started putting her breast milk into designer bottles and selling it at Wal-Mart. There is nothing too low class for that lot. And there seems to be an ample supply of wholesome milk.

Kim Kardashian breast milk lactating funny

From baby North's lips to God's ears.  Kim Kardashian breast milk for everybody!

And before we move on from Kim Kardashian, a bud of mine that works for a photographer that shall remain nameless found this.


Proof positive that photoshop is a girl's best friend.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kate Gosselin mean mom
'You embarrassed mommy!' Kate Gosselin 'went crazy at teenage daughters' after THAT awkward interview
My Comment:   Those kids paid for everything Kate has -- including all the plastic surgery. She's got her priorities all wrong. They should give all those kids to Angelina Jolie to raise. Angelina knows how to be a celebrity and a mom.  Rating ▲24

Kendall Jenner nose job funny
Has Kendall had a nose job? Jenner, 18, sparks speculation after debuting thinner-looking nose that resembles sister Kim's
My Comment:   It's impossible to obtain a Kardashian with their original equipment. Everything is new and improved.  Rating ▲18

Can  you blame the poor girl?  Look at the honker she has in the photo on the left!  She must have been teased terribly at school.   If she was at my high school, I would have taunted Kendall with the old standards like, "Hey banana nose, leave some cocaine for the rest of us!" or "Dumbo called, he says your nose would embarrass a rabbi!"

 
Kim Kardashian wardrobe malfunction funny
OMG my dress just broke!' Kim Kardashian left scrambling for a new skirt following embarrassing wardrobe malfunction.
My Comment:   Kim you are fat. Wear clothes that fit. Problem solved.  Rating ▲17

It looks like Kourtney, Khloe and Jessica Simpson have become trapped in that skirt and are struggling to break free of Kim's walnut-crushing thighs.  Or maybe Kim Kardashian is fat.  

Friday, January 24, 2014

My Dick Reviews The Hobbit. Part 2. The Desolation of Smegma

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Tauriel funny hot sexy killing machine

I've known for a while that some pretty big dudes in Hollywood read my blog.  I get to spend countless hours snapchatting goofy selfies with Steven, George and Quentin thanks to this blog.

Now, I get to add Peter Jackson as a snapchat buddy.  The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is definitive proof that Mr. Jackson is a fan.

Remember when my dick reviewed the first Hobbit movie?  No?  Go ahead, read it, I'll wait.

Too lazy to click? I'll sum up the review in three words Sucked, No Women.

I suggested a dwarf that was a mini Liv Tyler, analagous to the mini Aragorn dwarf that is in charge of all the other misshappen, weird-looking dwarfs.  Peter Jackson did me one better.  He gave us a new, hot she-elf.

A she-elf named Tauriel that is so attractive that even Legolas shows interest.  Legolas was the equivalent of a Ken Doll in the previous movies.  He looked good but there was so sign of external genitalia.

Here's a photo of Tauriel enjoying some down time on a beach at Gray Havens.
 
Tauriel funny hot sexy killing machine

She looks great and kills bad guys like Rambo. If you were expecting hot elf on elf action, forget about it. Tauriel falls for a dwarf.  The only thing elves hate more than watching the extended director's cut of Orcs Gone Wild are dwarfs!

Realism aside, remember that the first Hobbit movie had only one vagina.  The icy cold scabbard of the penis-shriveling Galadriel. The Hobbit 2 has a hot elf almost touching the hand of a loser dwarf, a vast improvement. 

So, on the standard hobbit scale of At Least One Elf of Childbearing Age Per Movie Please where 1 Zooey Deschanel is me watching her fall in love with Will Ferrell and 5 Zooey Deschanels is me and Zooey spending an entire Christmas vacation melting an igloo from the inside out, I give The Hobbit 2 two and a half Zooeys.

Zooey Deschanel looking all adorable and sexy cute

Other articles by my dick:

My Dick Reviews House of Cards
My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas

funny Christmas Bob Melonosky italian cousin

In 1980, I looked forward to Christmas like a 6-year-old kid.   At Thanksgiving, I found out that my cousin Claudia and her family were coming over from the old country to stay with us for the holidays.

I had never met Claudia but I had watched her grow up and out from across the Atlantic.  Every time a relative showed up at our house with a pile of snapshots from their recent trip to Italy, I shuffled through all the old aunts and uncles for a new glimpse of Claudia.  She was gorgeous.

I actually stole a photo of her wearing a party dress at her brother Anthony's confirmation.  The photo fit perfectly under the clock radio that sat on the shelf next to my bed.

Christmas 1980 was going to be epic.  I had gotten new glasses for my birthday and my dad finally gave in and I was able to grow out my ridiculous "short regular" haircut.  I looked good, maybe not good, but certainly good enough for a simple, incredibly hot, third cousin once removed that lived in a village on the Amalfi coast. I was planning on showing her how great Christmas in New York City could be.

Claudia's English was sketchy but my entire Italian vocabulary consisted of one phrase, "Manga stugatz!"  I knew enough not to say it in front of her.

Ice skating, Rockefeller Center, St. Patrick's Cathedral -- the magic of the city during Christmas and my new glasses were slowly wearing down Claudia's defenses.  By Christmas Eve, I was more comfortable with Claudia than any girl I had ever known.

In her thick, adorable accent she told me to meet her under the tree on Christmas Eve after everyone else had gone to sleep and she would show me how to flock.  Pretty direct, but I was game.  She said she was famous in her village for her flocking. I was shocked but still ready to be flocked.  I figured I was ready to be flocked three times.

When Claudia snuck down the stairs I was waiting for her with a glass of eggnog and a yule log in my jammies.  I got the flocking of my life. We flocked up one side of that tree and down the other. We flocked until we could flock no more.

I was flocking exhausted.

Friday, January 10, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 1/10/14

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

funny Simon Cowell Lauren Silverman nipples
Cowell about that! Simon and his heavily pregnant girlfriend Lauren Silverman look cozy onboard yacht
Comment:  That baby will not go hungry!  Nice nipplage times 4.


There's an interesting aside to this story.  It disappeared.  It was there two days ago. I commented on it and I copied the photo.  Now, it's gone.  Do you think billionaire Simon Cowell called up his buddy, billionaire Rupert Murdoch, and asked him to remove it?  Simon and his heavily pregnant girlfriend Lauren Silverman do look like two milk cows.

You can never underestimate the journalistic integrity of a Rupert Murdoch venture.


funny Khloe Kardashian fat ass
Khloe Kardashian shows off her svelte figure after a gruelling three hour workout.
Comment:  Does svelte mean fat in England?



funny Jessica Simpson fat
Weight loss warrior Jessica Simpson shows off her slim pins in leather trousers.
Comment:  lol, she's using a whole dead wolf to hide her beer belly!  I seriously can't remember why we care about this bird.

Do the writers at The Daily Mail actually look at the photos before they copy and paste the text sent to them by the celebrity's publicist?

I just got an email from Jessica Simpson's publicist.  We care about her because this Weight Loss Warrior is a "singer turned fashion designer." lol again.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

funny Eliot Spitzer Lis Smith hot
Eliot Spitzer spotted 'sucking toes' of girlfriend Lis Smith in hot tub of Jamaican family resort
Comment:  No photos? Spitzer is sucking the toes of his topless mistress in front of children and the Daily Mail has no photos. That's lazy journalism.   Rating ▲31


funny Inri Christo
Inri Christo, the Brazilian man who thinks he's Jesus
Comment: That ginger apostle is hot. I'd preach her gospel every night and twice on Sundays.    Rating ▼0


FUNNY HOT WOMAN WITH iNRI cHRISTO

Hey come on, she's no Mary Magdalene, but she's cute and has a nice rack.  If I go out in my bathrobe and sing a few hymns, can I collect a bunch of curvy apostles?


funny Karlie Kloss sideboob side boob
Karlie Kloss struggles to protect her modesty as she flashes some sideboob in flimsy white dress
Comment:  Modesty? Karlie should rent out her side boob as advertising space. It's always on display!   Rating ▲54

Seems that Karlie has already thought of this great idea.

funny Karlie Kloss sideboob side boob

Looks like she wants to make sure the Apple Logo on her side-boob is clearly visible.

funny Karlie Kloss sideboob side boob



funny Charlie Sheen hot porno star wife or girlfriend
Charlie Sheen issues thinly veiled threat to ex-wives Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards after getting sentimental new inking
Comment:  Charlie is living the American dream!!! His new wife is hot enough to thaw Iceland. All the best, dude!!!  Rating ▼38

Thank God for Charlie Sheen. Positive comments about Charlie, Justin Beiber or Hillary Clinton always result in a plethora of red arrows.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club

Bob Melonosky high school German Club

There I am with the rest of my High School German Club practicing our "Heils."  I think I got a C+.  I was never very good with my rights and lefts.

Is there anything hotter than a pigeon-toed cutie in a minskirt?  Nein, there isn't.  That's Gisele Kleinhoffer.  At Oktoberfest, she enjoyed my weisswurst while I licked her sauerbraten until her lufte waffed all over my face.

Why does a high school kid decide to study German instead of Spanish, French or Italian?

Maybe German is spoken in the home, or the kid is a loser nerd obsessed with tabletop wargames that required a ruler, a 300 page rule book and little plastic models of Russian T-34s and German Jagdpanzers that he carefully painted so that the camo was authentic and the tail pipes were covered in soot,

or maybe, the German teacher looked like this:

hot teacher miniskirt, upskirt

Mrs. Hoffman, who laughed at my jokes and never made fun of my terrible accent.  Mrs. Hoffman, kleiner in the hipsen and grossen in the titsen.  Mrs. Hoffman, who liked to sit on her desk and wore special pink panties every Friday.  Mrs. Hoffman, the best teacher I ever had until she broke my heart by getting pregnant, going on maternity leave and never coming back.

I really liked Mrs. Hoffman.