My Dick Reviews The Hobbit. Part 2. The Desolation of Smegma

Friday, January 24, 2014

My Dick Reviews The Hobbit. Part 2. The Desolation of Smegma

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

I've known for a while that some pretty big dudes in Hollywood read my blog. I get to spend countless hours snapchatting goofy selfies with Steven, George and Quentin thanks to this blog.

Now, I get to add Peter Jackson as a snapchat buddy. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is definitive proof that Mr. Jackson is a fan.

Remember when my dick reviewed the first Hobbit movie? No? Go ahead, read it, I'll wait.

Too lazy to click? I'll sum up the review in three words Sucked, No Women.

I suggested a dwarf that was a mini Liv Tyler, analagous to the mini Aragorn dwarf that is in charge of all the other misshappen, weird-looking dwarfs. Peter Jackson did me one better. He gave us a new, hot she-elf.

A she-elf named Tauriel that is so attractive that even Legolas shows interest. Legolas was the equivalent of a Ken Doll in the previous movies. He looked good but there was so sign of external genitalia.

Here's a photo of Tauriel enjoying some down time on a beach at Gray Havens.

She looks great and kills bad guys like Rambo. If you were expecting hot elf on elf action, forget about it. Tauriel falls for a dwarf. The only thing elves hate more than watching the extended director's cut of Orcs Gone Wild are dwarfs!

Realism aside, remember that the first Hobbit movie had only one vagina. The icy cold scabbard of the penis-shriveling Galadriel. The Hobbit 2 has a hot elf almost touching the hand of a loser dwarf, a vast improvement.

So, on the standard hobbit scale of At Least One Elf of Childbearing Age Per Movie Please where 1 Zooey Deschanel is me watching her fall in love with Will Ferrell and 5 Zooey Deschanels is me and Zooey spending an entire Christmas vacation melting an igloo from the inside out, I give The Hobbit 2 two and a half Zooeys.