Friday, February 19, 2010

My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics, Vancouver 2010: Women's Curling - USA vs. Denmark

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Watching sports from my point of view is always a challenge. Female athletes tend to wear clothes that help them win and they usually move around a lot. Rarely are they splayed out on satin sheets dressed in Vicky's finest. Just the other night, I began fantasizing about an incredibly cute figure skater only to find out that she was twelve, 3 foot 8, and a boy.

Let's get one thing straight, the women of women's curling are women. They might not prepare for a match with long hours in a gym toning and shaping their bodies, but they definitely wear more makeup than a male figure skater.

And they have curves. These chicks are "off the broom!"

And because the actual sport provides no action whatsoever, there are a lot of close ups. I like close ups and I like these curling women. They tend to have serious triceps and significant junk in the trunk and that is alright by me. I've always been attracted to big sloppy women, I'll take Mariah Carey over Calista Flockhart every time.

So, with the knowledge that these woman are more likely to shop at Lane Bryant than the Junior Miss section at Sears, let the drooling begin.

That's Allison of the US team. I'd like to get my rocks off in her house! (Editor's note: That's funny because it contains two examples of curling jargon, rocks and house.) Unfortunately, Allison is what Garrison Keillor would call a chatterbox. The girl never shuts up. How many times can you say, "Yah, good play, yabetcha!" during a single curling match? Oh, about 57,000 times. She has a midwest accent that's thicker than cream on a cow (Editor's note: I stole that pearl from the Prairie Home Companion). That's when I noticed that the entire US team talked like the pregnant sheriff in Fargo. If it was Iron Chef, the producers would be forced to use subtitles. It's kind of annoying, actually.

Now, I understand why their husbands are all happily at home, back in Minnesota, painting wooden ducks while their wives are out peeling stones at the local rink. Sure these women are smoking, corn-fed hot and can curl your toes six ways on Sundays (Editor's note: I don't have a clue where that came from. All this pastoral goodness must be getting to me). Yah, and that sweeping skill must sure come in handy if you own a porch, which I am sure they all do, but how about a little more sliding and a little less yakking?

Before we move on to the Danes, let's reflect on this photo of US Team Number 2 Nicole Joraanstad. Are we done reflecting and have we cleaned off the keyboard? Regrettably for me, NBC never showed her during the telecast. She pushes her stones second so NBC cut all her best scenes out. Bad NBC!

I'm as American as a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial but I found myself pulling for Team Denmark. As far as I could tell they were the underdogs, didn't have a clue where to put their rocks (Editor's note: The announcers, two old sounding Fargo guys never agreed with their strategy and those guys seemed to know what they were talking about), and then they always "peeled it off the broom" which I think is a bad thing.

And Team Denmark had the Dupont sisters.

Denise and Madeleine Dupont look like the kind of girls you might find in a bus station in LA that want to be actresses and are willing to work really hard to make their dreams come true. That's a good look.

They also speak english like an American in a Chevy commercial. I wouldn't need an interpreter or subtitles. Yeah, okay, I'll say it. They're so hot I'm surprised the ice didn't melt! Yeah, I feel cheap and tawdry. It's a good feeling!

This is the part of the post we have all been dreading, the curling sexual euphemism part. You know, where I go:

I wish those sisters would pebble the stones... between my legs! or
I dropped my hammer on Denise's button and split 'em nicely! or
I sent a spinner to Maddie's tee line, went for the in-turn, and got the steal before she set her guard! or
How'd you like Denise's back house weight... in your face? or maybe
Maddie can come-around my corner guard... anyday!

Hmm, that's my entire load. I think we both were expecting more.


NBC is even more American than a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial. When I went looking for photos of the Curling Cuties I started at, the official 800 billion dollar website of the Vancouver 2010 games. These are the only photos of the Dupont sisters on the site. I guess they should consider themselves lucky that NBC bothered to scan their passport photos.

Go Denmark!

Other posts about women's curling:

Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Really.
Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing

Other posts by my dick:

My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing


  1. Bobby,

    No curling down here because of the heat but some of the old timers play a bit of shuffleboard.


    She came up for air and all I could say was "Nice toss."

    Because "nice toss" means "nice rock" means good shot, and "tossing one's salad" is slang for something to do with the interaction of a man and a woman.


  2. Bobby,

    While I admit curling is like watching grass grow, it is strangely intriguing.


    Feet firmly planted on the "hack," she offered up her "free guard zone" and I wasn't about to "hogger" her.

    Because it sounds tepidly provocative.


  3. Haha, this is hilarious! I found myself in a similar situation to you. I'd never watched curling before, but I switched it to CNBC when they were broadcasting Denmark vs. Canada. DuMont has this intense, hawk-like stare when she pushes the stone. I found myself rooting for the underdog Danes against the might Canucks, but alas Madeiline missed a couple of key shots in the end!

  4. I love me some danish, the pastries not the curlers.

    Looks like Blue Eyes never said nogen to a cruller!

    The one sister looks like Courtney Love... before the sex change


  5. Bill - grass grow? too fast for curling. more like watching grass rot on a compost heap. thanks for the comment!

    Anon - thanks for the comment! maddy seems to miss the easy ones and then knock two out of the house with an amazing shot -- and those doe eyes and pouty lips are nice too

    davem - dad always liked you best. thanks for the comment!

  6. You guys probably don't understand the text, but here is a link to an article about how the Danish curling team made a calender to increase the interest in women's curling. There is a picture here of Madeleine Dupont topless...Worked for me...

  7. Hey Anon,

    Thanks for the comment!

    I posted a PG version of that same photo yesterday but ow we have a link.



  8. my buddy took one of the duponts home at the swift current saskatchewan world curling.
    ps. not even kidding

  9. Dear Anon,

    Damn! That's frickinawesome!!!

    Thanks for the comment!


  10. Who knows what was the first woman in that image waiting for because look at her face and her mouth she didn't seem doing a kind of sort.