My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics, Vancouver 2010: Women's Curling - USA vs. Denmark

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.


Watching sports from my point of view is always a challenge. Female athletes tend to wear clothes that help them win and they usually move around a lot. Rarely are they splayed out on satin sheets dressed in Vicky's finest. Just the other night, I began fantasizing about an incredibly cute figure skater only to find out that she was twelve, 3 foot 8, and a boy.

Let's get one thing straight, the women of women's curling are women. They might not prepare for a match with long hours in a gym toning and shaping their bodies, but they definitely wear more makeup than a male figure skater.

And they have curves. These chicks are "off the broom!"

And because the actual sport provides no action whatsoever, there are a lot of close ups. I like close ups and I like these curling women. They tend to have serious triceps and significant junk in the trunk and that is alright by me. I've always been attracted to big sloppy women, I'll take Mariah Carey over Calista Flockhart every time.

So, with the knowledge that these woman are more likely to shop at Lane Bryant than the Junior Miss section at Sears, let the drooling begin.

That's Allison of the US team. I'd like to get my rocks off in her house! (Editor's note: That's funny because it contains two examples of curling jargon, rocks and house.) Unfortunately, Allison is what Garrison Keillor would call a chatterbox. The girl never shuts up. How many times can you say, "Yah, good play, yabetcha!" during a single curling match? Oh, about 57,000 times. She has a midwest accent that's thicker than cream on a cow (Editor's note: I stole that pearl from the Prairie Home Companion). That's when I noticed that the entire US team talked like the pregnant sheriff in Fargo. If it was Iron Chef, the producers would be forced to use subtitles. It's kind of annoying, actually.

Now, I understand why their husbands are all happily at home, back in Minnesota, painting wooden ducks while their wives are out peeling stones at the local rink. Sure these women are smoking, corn-fed hot and can curl your toes six ways on Sundays (Editor's note: I don't have a clue where that came from. All this pastoral goodness must be getting to me). Yah, and that sweeping skill must sure come in handy if you own a porch, which I am sure they all do, but how about a little more sliding and a little less yakking?

Before we move on to the Danes, let's reflect on this photo of US Team Number 2 Nicole Joraanstad. Are we done reflecting and have we cleaned off the keyboard? Regrettably for me, NBC never showed her during the telecast. She pushes her stones second so NBC cut all her best scenes out. Bad NBC!

I'm as American as a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial but I found myself pulling for Team Denmark. As far as I could tell they were the underdogs, didn't have a clue where to put their rocks (Editor's note: The announcers, two old sounding Fargo guys never agreed with their strategy and those guys seemed to know what they were talking about), and then they always "peeled it off the broom" which I think is a bad thing.

And Team Denmark had the Dupont sisters.

Denise and Madeleine Dupont look like the kind of girls you might find in a bus station in LA that want to be actresses and are willing to work really hard to make their dreams come true. That's a good look.

They also speak english like an American in a Chevy commercial. I wouldn't need an interpreter or subtitles. Yeah, okay, I'll say it. They're so hot I'm surprised the ice didn't melt! Yeah, I feel cheap and tawdry. It's a good feeling!

This is the part of the post we have all been dreading, the curling sexual euphemism part. You know, where I go:

I wish those sisters would pebble the stones... between my legs! or
I dropped my hammer on Denise's button and split 'em nicely! or
I sent a spinner to Maddie's tee line, went for the in-turn, and got the steal before she set her guard! or
How'd you like Denise's back house weight... in your face? or maybe
Maddie can come-around my corner guard... anyday!

Hmm, that's my entire load. I think we both were expecting more.

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Endnotes

NBC is even more American than a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial. When I went looking for photos of the Curling Cuties I started at NBColympics.com, the official 800 billion dollar website of the Vancouver 2010 games. These are the only photos of the Dupont sisters on the site. I guess they should consider themselves lucky that NBC bothered to scan their passport photos.

Go Denmark!

Other posts about women's curling:

Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Really.
Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing


Other posts by my dick:

My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing