Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mi Nana y Salma Hayek

Apparently, this image needs an explanation. I got a little too cute during my 36 Hours in Mexico City bit.

A reader named DanielBig69, while fiercely proud of his Mexican heritage, is extremely ignorant when it comes to art history. So me, a skinny white boy from New York, is gonna school Big Dan on some art history hecho en Mexico -- even though he claims to be big and mean and violent, and has threatened to shove my own sister up my own cowpiehole (not his words). I have no sister and a very tight cowpiehole so I'm not shaking in my zarape.

Let's start off with the obvious, I like Frida Kahlo. She was very attractive. I totally dig her art. And her bisexuality? Yum! She's on the left, Salma Hayek with a 5:00 shadow pretending to be her is on the right. Yum and yum.

Quick note: If I was Frida Kahlo's agent, I'd have given her some good advice.

Painter Frida: How come my paintings aren't selling better?

Agent Bob: The paintings are super, babe, but let's loose the eyebrow. Take a razor or wax or a tweezer and let's clear a half inch path right there. And then get those 47 self portraits and some Benjamin Moore Cappacino Cream and daub a bit of paint on everyone of those beautiful faces right where your nose meets your forehead. We're talking serious dinero. I'll sell everyone of 'em tomorrow.

Painter Frida: Okay, Hasta manana.

Agent Bob: One more thing, Sweet Cheeks. Put the e back in your name. Frida? What is that? You're asking for a million typos.

Here's the original Frido Kahlo painting called Mi Nana y Yo:

I don't know art but I know what I like. And I like that Frida has painted herself drinking from the tree of life and the tree is a big, brown boob. Yes, the other tree is leaking. Calm down, Big Dan. Paul Gauguin wished he painted this tableau.

So I took a photo of Salma Hayek looking for all the world like a Fertility Goddess.

And a photo of Salma Hayek in a pose that is as close to a baby sucking on a teat as I could find.

Added one eyebrow.
Now remembering that Salma Hayek portrayed Frida Kahlo is a big Hollywood movie, Tah dah! My Mi Nana y Salma Hayek.

Was I trying too hard? Sí. Do I deserve to be sodomized by a Big Dan? Hey Dan, how about you don't laugh and never come back and we call it even?

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