Friday, December 20, 2013

How Did this Awesome Snow Get on this Photo?

AutoAwesomeSnow, AutoAwesome google+ snow automatic

Does anybody know how this photo ended up with snow on it? I posted a bit a couple of hours ago that included this photo sans snow.

The little bell at the top of my google page had a red one on it (I don't believe that's ever happened before).  I clicked on it and ended up at a photo folder with three Christmas alterations.

Was this an automatic google thing to all Christmas-y photos uploaded to the net?

Finally, how do I get them to put snow on the photo of the Lexus on top of dead Santa?  That photo is the real deal.  The Craftsman vacuum is just a riff on the Lexus.

Thanks in advance.

The Home Alone Theme Song Blues

Home Alone funny creepy eating fingers part

When did the song from Home Alone become THE Christmas song on every TV commercial?

You know the song.  It plays when the spoiled brat gets all misty when he looks at the photo of his incredibly irresponsible mother.  If that mother was poor and black, Child Services would have taken away all those kids, and that photo would have shown up on the front page of the New York Post.

Lexus Christmas gift funny dead santa

Craftsman tools, Home Alone. The jewelry store in the mall that isn't "Every Kiss Begins with Kay." Home Alone. 

Every
 

I'm gonna take a minute and rant about Every Kiss Begins with Kay.  How effing effed up is that sediment?  It's the Anti-Christ Christmas slogan.  Does anybody know anybody  that wants somebody that will only kiss them when they give them diamond jewelry? If Every Kiss Begins with Kay, shouldn't I buy all her jewelry at BJ's Wholesale?

No, but seriously, if I go out with this kind of chick, what do I really have to buy her to get some head, a Lexus?

The Lexus Christmas commercials use the Home Alone theme, too.

Da,  da,  da,  da,  da da da,  da...

Who can afford to give someone a Lexus for Christmas? Doctors, drug dealers, the dad in Home Alone, and John Williams.

dead santa funny

John Williams, the guy that wrote the music in Star Wars, Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, ad nauseum, also wrote the Home Alone Christmas ditty -- because his pile of money wasn't big enough.  He even had to sue Lexus because they used a virtually identical copy of it without giving him credit or royalties.

So when is Mariah Carey going to do a cover version?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 12/12/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian nose surgery change 2006 2013 funny
Kim Kardashian and the riddle of her nose: How it has morphed over the years
My Comment: When's Kayne's nose gonna start changing?

Kim hasn't had surgery on her nose?  I call BS.

I thought Kayne was going to be a good influence on Kim.  He seemed smart and grounded, but it seems he's getting more like her everyday.  His talent is shrinking as his celebrity grows. Lately he's as dumb as a Kardashian.

Here's a rare photo of Kayne West and Kim Kardashian from New Year's Eve 2018.

Kim Kardashian and Kayne West New Year's Eve funny

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.   This week I sucked.  Next week I may go for the green.


Paul Wlaker vs Nelson Mandela funerals and media coverage
NELSON MANDELA 1918 - 2013: Former leader will lie in state for three days in a glass-fronted coffin during ten-day mourning period as South Africa prepares for the biggest funeral of the century
My Comment:  What, no headlines about Paul Walker? Your American readership went down 50%.  Rating ▼2

I did not know who Paul Walker was before he died.  Movies about fast cars driven by arrogant-looking douchebags aren't my thing.  Mandela I've heard of.  The next time a rightwing douchebag tells you how great Reagan was just say two words, "Apartheid and AIDs."

Kirstie Alley repulsive and hates Leah Remini
'Leah Remini is a repulsive bigot and my enemy': Kirstie Alley slams her ex-friend while on Howard Stern
My Comment:  Repulsive is as repulsive does (and looks) or The enemy of Kirstie Alley is my friend. Rating ▲160

Amanda Bynes daily mail cute hot
Amanda Bynes leaves rehab and is discharged into the custody of her parents
My Comment:  Great news for you guys. How much are you offering photographers for juicy photos? Rating ▲19

Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.  Now that's a call back.

funny Steve Carell Ron Burgundy hot weathergirl Laura Tobin
'You're all over the place!': Anchorman star Steve Carell hijacks weather girl's slot on Daybreak
My Comment:  Ron Burgundy, News Presenter. I'm sick of the endless Anchorman plugs. This movie must really suck if they're expending this much effort for that 1st weekend.  Rating ▼15

hot weather reporter Laura Tobin bum butt

So, I'm not much of a Ron Burgundy fan and the rest of the world is. I'll tell you what I am a fan of, Laura Tobin's butt. Look at it. Drink it in.  That butt is standing at attention and saluting. Forget hitting it with a car antenna, I want to put the Compleate Oxford Dictionary on it, build a fire and admire it from the sofa, while sipping a brandy.

Laura Tobin weather hot

Or maybe put a nice potted plant on it, a ficus or a fern, and make all my co-workers salivate with envy.

Hot weathergirl Laura Tobin butt or bum

Who is this Laura Tobin and how can I watch her butt forecast the weather every damn day?

Thursday, December 5, 2013

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 12/5/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny Daily Mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

funny Sarah Palin shit mouth
Martin Bashir suggests someone should 's**t' in Palin's mouth
My Comment:  Funny thing, if you paid her enough, she would do it -- with that big s**t-eating smile.
Remember, Sarah Palin got her customary  $100,000 speaking fee to appear at a Veteran's Day event. Can Sarah spell ho?
funny Kardashian Christmas card
Peekaboo! Kim Kardashian showcases her famous figure in a very revealing cut-out dress for the family's annual Christmas card
My Comment:  Kim's famously photoshopped figure!  Check out her waist, totally fake!
funny Kim Kardashian photoshop fail

No wonder Kayne paid the guy 2.5 million bucks for this year's Kim Kardashian Khristmas Kard.  It ain't easy making that figure look fabulous.


Katherine Schwarzenegger Maria Shriver Twins
They could be Twins! Maria Shriver and daughter Katherine Schwarzenegger look like siblings as they go on shopping spree
My Comment:  Twins?  I guess Maria could be a weird, skeletal, horror show, mutant twin that grows out of her daughter's back and eventually takes control of the daughter's body.

Katherine Schwarzenegger hot bikini

Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Lindsay Lohan suing Grand Theft Auto V
Spot the difference? Lindsay Lohan 'suing the makers of Grand Theft V for using her likeness in the game without permission'
My Comment:  If Lindsay Lohan actually looked like the woman in the game, she wouldn't have to spend her weekends "escorting" Arab sheiks. Look in a mirror, Lindsay! . Rating ▲0

funny Lindsay Lohan suing Grand Theft Auto V

Oh wait, Lindsay Lohan is upset about that cartoon image?  Girl might win the lawsuit.


Kayne
'They think I don't realize my power!' Kanye West calls on fans to boycott Louis Vuitton after snub... as he praises Kardashians' interracial relationships
My Comment:  He's got the power! Kayne will pull out his mighty sword, jump on his loyal battle hippopotamus, and storm the gates of those fancy French puftas. Oh wait, that's not a battle hippo, it's Kim Kardashian! Louis Vuitton must be shaking in his house dress.  . Rating ▲47


funny
'The Angel of 9/11': Haunting face appears in mangled girder taken from EXACT spot where first plane smashed into Twin Towers
My Comment:  Not an angel. It looks just like an Ewok from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. Probably a commercial tie-in. If you look closely down near the bottom, you can clearly see Mayor McCheese and Ronald McDonald.    Rating ▲2

Okay, I admit that Ronald McDonald and Mayor McCheese were for laughs but I can make a pretty compelling argument for "The Ewok of 9-11."

The

Angel or Ewok, you decide.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber

funny Bob Melonosky

Nothing turns on a teenaged Catholic girl  more than a boy that sings like an angleic girl.  After nailing the high C in Miserere mei, Deus I'd strut past the tear-stained faces of Father O'Reilly and Father Harrigan to the community room where I was treated like Mr. Justin B.

I was THE boy soprano at St. Matt's, you know, the one over by the expressway.  In my neighborhood, I was responsible for more damp panties than Leif Garrett and Scott Baio combined.

See that hot blonde in the demure sweater vest and white tights?  One night she hit on me so hard in the rectory I was sore for a week.  Rectory?  She nearly killed me.  In the photo, I'm standing next to Donna "Lefty" Mantione, the girl in the plaid mini-skirt.  We called her Lefty on account of her left knee was 6 inches higher than her right knee.  Lefty hated me but her mom, Mrs. Mantione?  She used to rub my weiner whenever I got my hair cut at her husbands shop.

Bob Melonosky funny

Then Joseph Michael DePietro moved into the neighborhood.  His family came east from Bensonhurst in a sky blue Cadillac stuffed full of dreams of a better life -- but it was my life that would be forever changed.

funny Bob Melonosky

As you can see from the photo, Joseph Michael was a smug, confident, little mothereffer.  His hair came euipped with a curl that screamed out "I don't want to be so adorable, I tried to stay up there with rest of the hair, I just can't help falling down onto Joseph Michael's forehead."  Oh, Joseph Michael was better looking than me and younger than me and was always called Joseph Michael.

I was just Bob.  I was just Bob and during Christmas break a couple of short stubby hairs had appeared under my arms.   By Ash Wednesday, I was sporting a bush that would have put the fear of God into Moses himself.   We were practicing for  Good Friday mass when my voice broke for the first time.

"Sing in your head, Mr. Melonosky not your chest. Again from the top. Proceed," screamed a stressed out Sister Agnes. And again my voice cracked.  She whipped out her ruler and to my surprise she used it to point to young Joseph Michael. "You get up there and try it Joseph Michael."

Theresa Sagitaria let out an audible gasp and a single tear rolled down her rosy cheek and got caught in the slight moustache that tickled so nicely when we necked in the coat closet of the Catechism Classroom.

I stepped down from the pimp spot and headed over to the lowly tenors who all scootched over leaving enough room for three former boy sopranos.

When Joseph Michael sang, actual angels stopped singing to listen. Then those angels ripped their wings off and headed straight for a bar.  Which is where I would have headed if I had enough facial hair to pass for eighteen.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 11/20/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny Daily Mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week


Karlie Kloss underboob
Karlie Kloss shows some underboob at Victoria's Secret Afterparty
My comment: Underboob is my second most favorite part of a boob. Karlie's underboobs are kaptivating!

Underboob.  Klassic.  Unfamiliar with the favored terminology of Britain's venerable Royal Society of Medicine?  Here's a quick lesson.

Royal Academy of Medicine anatomy diagram boobs Karlie Kloss

The thoracic region is my second most favorite region of the female body.  Here's an anatomical diagram of my favorite region.


hot models kissing camel toe Karlie Kloss Toni Garrn


Jessica Simpson funny chicken of the sea
Mamma mia! Jessica Simpson shows off fantastic post baby body
My Comment: What about that massive body looks fantastic? She looks like she swallowed a zebra! Do you guys look at the photos before you write this stuff?

funny

Which one is the fat zebra and which one is the fat ______?  What is Jessica Simpson exactly?  I forget. Let's go with fat blonde.

Jessica Simpson fat funny

Can you find Jessica Simpson in this Serengeti landscape?  It's like Finding Waldo, look for the stripes.  Jessica, never the brightest ass in the herd, has made a fashion faux pas with her choice of a massive black handbag.  A hungry hyena will no doubt separate her from the safety of her fellow zebras and eat her for lunch.  She will be a big meal.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Playboy
Kate Moss the Playboy Bunny: First glimpse of supermodel on her dare-to-bare 40th birthday shoot
My comment: In the olden days, real Playboy Bunnies were required to have boobs.    Rating ▲2


Taylor
Like what you see, Taylor? Miss Swift admires cleavage at Victoria's Secret Fashion Show... before getting a cheeky pat on the bottom herself
My comment:  Maybe Taylor should try a woman. She has had terrible luck with men.  Rating ▲24

Sam Champion junk in his trunks
Is it a major heat wave? Topless Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion enjoys sun-soaked Rio honeymoon with Brazilian husband
My Comment:  Looks like there's a growing high pressure system is his Speedos.  Sam looks great for 52.  Rating ▲161


Justin
Quite the welcoming party! Justin Bieber's private jet searched by custom officials after arriving home to U.S.
My comment:  Disgusting! George W. Bush and Dick Cheney snort coke in the White House yet these Federal bozos mistreat my boy Justin because he's Canadian. Beibeliever 4ever!  Rating ▼1

I know.  One fricking down arrow. Why?  I have a theory.  In order to click on the red arrow, a visitor has to see the comment.  This comment took at least 12 hours to show up on the homepage and by that time there were several newer Justin Beiber stories on the site.  You wouldn't think it but people like Justin and Kim and every reality star on a Fox show do newsworthy things every few minutes.


Glee mini-me! Lea Michele posts Instagram shots of herself and Fox show co-stars with their Muppet lookalikes
My Comment:   It's funny that the only Glee Muppet with legs is the guy whose legs don't work.   Rating ▲5

On a normal website making fun of a diabled kid would garner a negative response.  God bless The Daily Mail.

An entire Rejected Daily Mail Comment post and nothing on the Kardashians?  Say it ain't so.  It ain't so. Here are three cheap shots that got through but aren't worth individual photos.

Kim

Fuller-faced Rob Kardashian battles the bulge as he steps out in a not-so-slimming black ensemble
My Comment:  Kim might be fatter.  Do you look at the photos before you write this stuff?  Rating ▲0

Kim Kardashian squeezes her most famous asset into a VERY tight, sheer pencil skirt for a trip to her cosmetic treatment center
My comment:  That skirt must be made out of the same stuff as Superman's suit. Talk about some serious tension and some serious lack of fashion common sense.  Rating ▲13

Kim Kardashian 'pulled over for speeding by police' on busy LA freeway... and the incident causes 'traffic chaos'
My Comment:  Kim Kardashian passed a driver's test? Unbelievable. Isn't reading required?  Rating ▲1

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 11/13/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.


When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

horse wedding funny
Couple choose HORSE as bridesmaid (but she wasn't allowed in the church)
My comment:  I've heard of horse-faced women but this is ridiculous.  Oh wait, is that one a real horse?

British women dress up as 9 11 twin towers funny
9/11 families' fury after two British students WIN fancy dress competition wearing TWIN TOWERS outfits
My comment:  The North Tower is hot!!! (No pun intended.)

Okay, calm down people. Granted she has questionable judgement but she is attractive.  Would it help to imagine me consensually banging her in costume, if I was dressed as a New York City fireman?   Because lately, that is my "go to" fantasy.

funny hamster belfie
Cute photos of hamsters baring their backsides go viral as the animal kingdom hops on the belfie bandwagon
My comment: Oh great, now Kim will take a belfie of a hamster butt coming out of her butt.

Will belfie be Oxford Dictionary's Word of the Year 2013?  Damn, in the time it took for me to type that sentence Kim Kardashian has posted another belfie.

new kim kardashian selfie butt funny belfie

I knew she visited my blog.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.


Paula Deen husband affair
Paula Deen's husband 'walks out after she confronts him about alleged year-long affair with 'sexy' brunette'
My comment:  Who's he having an affair with? Mrs. Claus?   Rating ▲389


Striking images look like any other collection of photographs... but they are in fact pencil drawings
My comment:  A camera would be quicker, and probably better, and in color.  What's the point?  Rating ▼39

cute bodybuilder
Amputee Jonas Zimick wins first prize in fancy dress modelling contest as one-legged pirate
My comment:  On leg day, he only has to do half the reps. Not really fair.  Rating ▼32

Because he's obviously a bodybuilder. Funny and red. It's a win/win.


funny
Just 50,000 people have signed up for Obamacare insurance on Healthcare.gov
My comment:  First, you rightwing nutjobs hated ObamaCare, now you can't sign up fast enough.  Make up your minds!  Rating ▼28

Finally, after years of trying, I get an ObamaCare comment through. Big whoops. Calling Kourtney the ugliest Kardashian gets more of a reponse.