Friday, July 30, 2010

Gone Walking

Me and my pack will be traipsing somewhere in Europe for the next week or so.

No internet, no updates, no Sarah or Bristol Palin, no N.Y. Post, no morning cameltoe, no morning camel toe, no Sandra Bullock butt, no C.C. Sabathia's big pants, no inside jokes.

To my six loyal readers (you know who you guys are, I sure don't -- but the server statistics do not lie, you guys are out there), thanks! See you sometime in August.

For those of you that accidently stumble in here, I offer a few links to some better than average posts currently buried deep within the archival anarchy of blogspot:

My Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing (with my dick) - Wherein my dick makes its first appearance on this blog -- as a guest writer.

Another Great Moment in Photoshopping History - Wherein I once again brag about my superior photoshopping skills. If you visit only one humorous post about William Howard Taft today, make it this post.

Our Trip to Latkeland and A George W. Bush Christmas Carol - Wherein I bravely make fun of all the major American religions that won't put out a fatwah on me.

My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D: The Nexus of Religion, Spiritualism and Boinking Aliens - Wherein my dick writes a post with a ridiculously long title.

My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics - Wherein my dick begins my month long obsession with Women's curling and specifically the Dupont sisters of Team Denmark.

More Wall Street Journal Humor - St. Patrick's Day, Leprechaums, But No Irish Jokes Please - A good example of my life-long hatred of the Wall Street Journal and my ability to poke gentle fun at the Irish.

It appears that my dick has written most of the good posts on this blog. Not that surprising given that I have been accused of thinking with my dick more often than my brain likes to admit.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

36 Hours in Nantucket: A Travel Guide*

*Not associated with the series of New York Times articles that pissed me off.

Last week, when the editors at George Magazine pitched this assignment, I jumped at it. With the exception of Houston, Texas, there are not too many places in the world I won't visit as long as I'm paid well and get to expense everything. I borrowed a crisp white shirt with lots of buttons, a pair of Nantucket Reds, and a blue blazer from my obnoxious neighbor Spaulding, and headed for the ferry.

Nantucket is like Martha's Vineyard without the annoying black dog. With a name easier to pronounce than the nearby islands of Tuckernuck or Muskecunt, it is also far more popular. Nantucket is Algongouin for "in the midst of old money," if you ever visit, you literally have to bring a boatload of cash -- not a Boston Whaler, we're talking at least a 41-footer.

Friday 5 PM

Take a stroll down Main Street and stare at people that all look like the grandparents of those precious Lands' End models. It will make you feel good to rudely bump into all these rich assholes that some how manage to spend the whole summer on an island not working, so do it.

Stop in at the revered Mitchell's Book Nook. This store was recently saved from being turned into a Juicy Girl Couture Outlet by the wife of Google Founder, Willoughby C. Googlebinder. Talk about throwing heaps of new money after old. I bought a book of Robert Frost poems set in New England (57 dollars). I plan on sprinkling poems throughout this article in order to haughty it up a bit. Don't worry, they are in the public domain.

Friday 8 PM

The coolest new restaurant in Nantucket is called Dune. Way sweeter than Hard Rock or Mars 2112, you'll be greeted by young Paul Atreides, the heir apparent to Duke Leto Atreides and the scion of House Atreides. Order the tasty Melange-Spiced Duck with a side order of Duncan Idaho potatos (74 dollars) from your lovely blue-eyed waitress.

Good Food in a Fun Setting By Robert Frost

There once was a bistro named Dune
I went there for lunch just past noon
The waitress was hot
A tube collected her snot
When she tossed my salad, I finished too soon.

Friday 10 PM

Have a drink with the young (on Nantucket that's anyone under 62) crowd that gathers down by the water at the Weathered Beam. Try a Boston College Coed on the Beach (28 dollars), that's made with aged rum, Nantucket Nectar Pomegranate Pear Cocktail with a squeeze of an old man's sack. Now try a breathing Boston College coed on one of the sofas that are scattered on the actual beach.

A Girl from Nantucket by Robert Frost

There once was a girl from Nantucket

With a cunt so small no one could fuck it
She said with a grin
As it failed to go in
If you want, I can bend down and suck it.

Saturday 10 AM

Stroll through the Nantucket Farmer's and Artisans Market, two whole blocks containing 65 booths filled with every imaginable piece of crap made out of blueberries or driftwood.

Saturday 1 PM

Get a beach permit for $150 because what are you going to do with that kind of chump change anyway, buy another necktie? Rent a big, gas guzzling SUV (200 dollars for 3 hours) and head out west to Eel Point for the Seal and Turf Special (137 dollars for two). Back in the good old days, Nantucket was famous for more than rich, old people and dirty poems, whales and seals fueled the local economy and the local's gastrointestinal tracts. The tender baby seal breasts sauteed in whale oil partnered with broiled Black Lab tenderloins harken back to a simpler time.

Saturday 8 PM

Put on a pair of Nantucket Reds (70 dollars at Murray's Toggery Shop) or a pair of almost identical looking and way more comfortable pink khakis (27 dollars at Lands' End) and sneak into the Nantucket Yacht Club for whatever lame event they have scheduled. Rub elbows with the kind of WASPs you used to watch on TV. Try to get lucky with a visiting niece or hump a dowdy dowager. You could get really lucky and get to spend your summers in a beautiful place, doing absolutely nothing that betters the lives of anyone but yourself.

Love Lost by Robert Frost

There once was a dawk from New Yawk
Who needed a rich bitch to powk
Struck out at the Club
So he started to rub
And sprayed jizz from Nantucket to Montauk

Sunday 11 AM

After waking up alone, with the realization that tomorrow you have to go back to your crappy apartment and your vitality-enviscerating job, visit the Nantucket Shipwreck & Lifesaving Museum (suggested donation, 40 dollars). Sure your life sucks worse than Karl Rove with a mouthful of broken glass, but at least you haven't drowned in an angry, bone-chilling sea, yet.

Sunday 12 PM

There's just one more chance to overpay for a pretentious meal so head over to celebrity chef Todd English's latest excuse to make barges of money, The Summerhouse Restaurant. Sample classic dishes that have been civilized so that they can be easily gummed and pooped into a pair of Depends. Crab cake with corn salsa and Portugese orphan kidneys (57 dollars) is simply a ramped up standard. Warm lobster salad with ramps and poached Kennedy jowls (64 dollars) is another dish that requires the use of a with and an and.

Sunday 2 PM

While taking a final stroll through the dunes at Bluff Walk, marvel that the many mansions covered with weathered and worn wooden shingles could have been spared this indiginity with the prophylactic use of affordable vinyl siding (1.60 dollars per square foot). As your sunburned legs brush past the poison ivy that the billionaire owners plant along the boardwalk to discourage scum like you, leave Nantucket content with the knowledge that the Lyme Disease that the tick burrowed deep in your pubes is injecting into your bloodstream disables those with blue blood just as effectively as regular red-blooded Americans.

Cheap Shot at the Kennedys by Robert Frost

ol' Kennedy was at a place on the Cape
Where he drank and he drank to escape
He once killed a daughter
But it wasn't manslaughter
And his nephew got away with a rape.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Next Blog>> Tuesday

At 12:30 PM on Tuesday, July 20, 2010, I clicked on the Next Blog>> button and got these two blogs. BloggerGoogle claims that these blogs are similar to mine. Let's see how they did.

Blog Number 1: allen. stefanie. & paislee.

First blog up is a nice, young family that doesn't like initial caps or commas but loves Jesus! and periods.

You guessed it. Blonde, smiling, Mormons. I've been to Utah and most Mormons do not look like the Osmonds, they look like these guys. This blog consists of 800 billion photos of their cute, little daughter and their blonde, Mormon friends and family.

Blog Highlights

Please fo not feed the Mormons. I would so do every one of these Mormons and so would you.

After my eyes adjusted to the retina piercing colors, I smiled. That baby better start smiling or they'll ship her to Wyoming. Just kidding, just kidding. I kind of assumed that Mormons would not celebrate Halloween because of Satan and stuff, so, this blog is fun and educational.

Dad after a few too many Grape Fantas.

Mom giving us the obligatory tongue.

I'm giving this blog ***** out of*****. If you want a family blog with a cute baby and a lot of smiles, this is the blog for you. After reading this blog, I kind of wish I was born a Mormon, married this cute, blonde woman and made a baby. Not really, but I have decided to smile more often.

Why is this Blog like Mine?

I'm a half-Jew, atheist from New York City that writes a blog full of raunchy, political humor. The only thing I can think of is that I do take the Lord's name in vain a lot. Does anybody see any similarities?

Blog Number 2: Danice is a scrapbooker!

Great title. I've been singing it to The Ramones' Sheena ia a Punk Rocker for the past 5 minutes. I really like the exclamation mark. You can tell that Danice is a scrapbooker and damn proud of it!

This blog is about Danice's art and her life in New Zealand. It is full of cool, close-up photos of scrapbooking paraphernalia. It is well-written and sincere.

Blog Highlights

On her birthday, her friend made her this cake. Yes, made her this cake. Scrapbookers are multi-talented and seem to be incredibly useful.

And they are hot! Would I do a scrapbooker? Yes, three times!

Kangaroos lounging in the shade. Apparently if you live in New Zealand you can take like a subway to Australia which is better than going to the Bronx.

I'm giving this blog ***** out of *****. This is by far the best scrapbooking blog I've ever visited. I would now like to go to Danice's house, eat cake, fondle her and her friends, and scrapbook -- and that's pretty high praise for a blog.

Why is this Blog like Mine?

I'm the anti-scrapbooker. I let stuff pile up for months then I throw it out without sorting it, or glueing it or covering it with sparkles and bows. I would never be able to organize a book of stuff or even sit still and concentrate for more than 5 minutes. I already stopped humming The Ramones and started singing Fat Bottom Girls by Queen because there was a Brian May look-alike on the site and it totally fascinates me that the lead guitarist of Queen went back to school and got his doctorate in astronomy.

I may have used the words "scrap" and "book" over the past year. I live in New York and Danice lives in New Zealand. I breathe a combination of gases consisting of 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen with traces of other stuff and so does she.


The Next Blog>> button sucks.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston Getting Married Edition

Friday Fotoshop Funny No. 3: Sarah Palin discusses her Southern Strategy with a Teaparty lawyer. The ethics of this strategy have come into question after the NAACP declared it racist.

Yikes! Scary and sexy. If I was that guy,
I'd be sporting wood and wetting my pants at the same time.

I go topical, incestuous, short, the trifecta
of internet comedy. Can you be more funny?
Leave a comment or e-mail me.

rashburn1927 sent in this oldtimey classic.
If I could hypnotize Sarah Palin, I would tell her to act like a moose
and hope that Todd or Dick Cheney, well, you know...

Thomas Agee of Mobile, Alabama asks the eternal question,
pain or pleasure? Sarah Palin in thigh-high boots, leather corset
and a dog sled whip? Whatever gets you through the night.

NailsNYM4 threw off the chains of political correctness with
this tardy submission. Before you babies all start complaining,
let me assure you that Nails is both mentally and physically challenged
from years of steroid abuse.

Brian McRae of Bradenton, Florida makes it personal.
I like to think that Sarah Palin would get a laugh from my stuff.
Then we would hold hands, get down on our knees and pray to
Jesus for my forgiveness and redemption. After I accept Jesus
as my personal savior, we'd get busy making Christian babies while
Todd watches helplessly, his external gentitals left ruined
by years of snowmobiling.

More Friday Fotoshop Funnies Fun
Flat Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin and Henry Kissinger in Love

Can't Get Enough of this Crap?
During the last election I created the site (voted by as the leftist comedy site most likely to be mispelled).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Helping the Little People, A Tampa Bellhop Remembers The Boss

Bobby Melonosky, Bellhop

When I was in college, I worked nights and weekends in a Tampa Hotel owned by Mr. George Steinbrenner. I was a bellhop -- little hat, little velour jacket, I looked just like a monkey. Mr. Steinbrenner had a huge apartment that occupied the entire 9th floor of the hotel. You had to have a special key to open the elevator at that floor.

Funny thing, his wife didn't have a key. Years later, I found out that they had a similar rule at Yankee Stadium. She was not allowed on the floor where Mr. Steinbrenner had his office. It was explained to me by the hotel manager that Mr. Steinbrenner did not like to mix business with his personal life.

One late night in December I was told to go up to the 9th floor right away -- there was an emergency. I hated going up there because I dreaded that I might do some little thing wrong that would upset The Boss. It was great gig for a college kid and I didn't want to lose it. Lots of money for almost no work and I could do a lot of studying between room service calls.

When I got up there, Mr. Steinbrenner was in the shower. I found a big, fat hooker on his bed. She was dead. It was well known that The Boss liked a lady with some meat on her bones. This one looked like a side of beef. I went to the supply closet in the hallway and got an enormous plastic bag that housekeeping used to use to collect the linens.

After a bit of a struggle, I had the poor woman safely in the bag and was dragging her slowly across the bedroom floor when a dripping George Steinbrenner came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.

What a scene! George Steinbrenner sees me lugging a huge bag of dead whore and you know what he does? He asks if he can help!

"You need help with that, son?" he says.

I was totally freaking out. This guy fired you if your shoe laces were tied crooked and now he was watching my every move. I told him that I could handle the load and then The Boss opened up a drawer, pulled out his wallet and gave me a $100 bill. He said it was my tip!

Two weeks later, I made a repeat visit to the 9th floor -- only this time Mr. Steinbrenner and former President Gerald Ford were both in the shower and there were three dead hookers on the bed. Now, I knew why I never heard about any of this stuff on the news!

He never paid for my college education but the tips were real good.

Even More Best George Steinbrenner Stories Ever

It Happened in an Elevator - John Sterling
Derek Jeter, Gulf Coast League Rookie
Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin and a Cow

The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - It Happened in an Elevator

John Sterling, Yankee radio play-by-play announcer Told during an Emmy Award winning episode of Yankeeography on the YES Network.

Back in 1989, I was in the elevator at old Yankee Stadium heading up to the free buffet when I heard that unforgettable voice bellow, "Hold the door, dammit!"

I was in the elevator with George Steinbrenner III.

"Thank you, John," he said.

George Steinbrenner knew my name. Me, John Sterling, a simple 41 year old kid right off the bus from Baltimore, Maryland.

"We all think you are doing a fine job with the broadcasts," he said, "but..."

I thought I was fired.

He continued, "Can you come up with a way to make them more appealing to those idiots that used to like Rizutto?"

I immediately said, "I have this idea that I can embellish my home run calls by making them personal while invoking important, pop culture catch phrases."

He looked at his watch and pressed the Close Door button.

"Sir, I was thinking about something like, 'Tear down that wall, Mr. Pagliarulo!!! Pags goes deep again!!!' or 'Rocky VIII!!! That's the 8th home run of the year for Steve Balboooooni!!!' or maybe, 'Jesse Baaaaaaarfield drives Miss Daisy over the fence!!!"

He looked up from his watch and said, "That sounds interesting. Make sure Mr. Richman okays everything before you say it on the air."

The elevator opened up at the next floor and a horribly disfigured leper dragged herself in with the help of a skinny, male wog. I pressed into the farthest corner filled with dread, but incredibly, Mr. Steinbrenner embraced the women. "Aparajita, it's great to see you!" he cried.

The woman smiled broadly causing a large chunk of her upper lip to crack off and fall to the floor. "Can you believe Mr. Steinbrenner remembers my name? Calcutta seems so far away."

George turned to the youth and asked, "Son, you're in your third year at Florida State, right? How's that accounting degree coming along?"

In broken english the wog replied, "Very good, Sir. Thank you."

The elevator opened at the next floor and the pathetic pair got off. After the doors closed, George turned to me, "I spend a couple of months every year working with the lepers in India but not a word of this to anyone or you're fired and your dog disappears."

"Did you pay for her son's college education?" I asked.

"Yes," he said sheepishly. "Karmjit is a fine young man. They're sitting in my box tonight"

"You're a complicated man, Mr. Steinbrenner," I said.

"Stop kissing my ass, Sterling," he replied. "How about you join me over the All Star break and we help build some houses in East St. Louis for the less fortunate?"

I said yes, and we did.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Derek Jeter, Gulf Coast League Rookie

Derek Jeter, Yankee Captain, shortstop
Told to Michael Kay by Derek Jeter during an interview on the show Centerstage on the YES Network

Back when Derek Jeter was an eighteen year old nobody, he was walking alone through Legend's Field, the Yankee Spring Training Complex, when The Boss called out to him. Jeter couldn't believe that Yankee owner George Steinbrenner knew his name. Mr. Steinbrenner put his arm around the young man and told him that the club had big plans for him.

"Son, my baseball people tell me that someday you may be as good as Bucky Dent," said the owner with a smile.

Jeter, always self-confident, politely asked Mr. Steinbrenner if he had heard about the long-term contracts several rising young stars like Carlos Baerga were signing.

Mr. Steinbrenner lost the smile but guided the young prospect up to his office. They sat in silence as The Boss made a phone call.

Arthur Richman soon appeared at the door with a bottle of single malt scotch, a box of Cuban cigars and two attractive prostitutes. The smile returned to The Boss' face and he said, "Don't you worry about what some bush leaguer in Cleveland is getting, son. You're a Yankee now."

After a memorable afternoon, Mr. Steinbrenner turned to his young phenom and offered up some words of advice, "Never validate their parking."

And Derek Jeter never did.

The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin and a Cow

Billy Martin - Yankee Manager, second baseman
Billy told this story on The David Letterman Show, December 4, 1985.

This one time, Mickey Mantle took George hunting. Mickey was a country boy but George grew up in the city. Mickey takes him to a farm right outside Commerce, Oklahoma. Mickey had known the farmer since he was a kid. When he called to make sure the gates would be unlocked, the farmer asked him if he would kill an old cow. The cow had been a family favorite but was now suffering and in lots of pain. The farmer was a tough guy but couldn't bring himself to put the old girl down. Mickey told him no problem -- but let's play a joke on Mr. George Steinbrenner III.

They pull up to the farmhouse in a big, shiny limo. Mickey tells George to wait outside while Mickey lets the farmer know that they are going to be hunting out back. A couple minutes later, Mickey storms out of the house slamming the screen door.

"That old fool won't let us hunt!" Mickey yelled. Then he rushed pass George, grabbed a shotgun out of the car and went into the barn. George chased after him.

"What are you doing, Mickey?" asked an out of breath George.

"I'm gonna kill one of the bastard's cows!" Mickey yelled. And he did.

As they were walking back to the car, the farmer storms out of the house yelling and cussing. Mickey grabbed George and pulled him into the limo. A clearly shaken George whispered something to his driver but instead of gunning the engine, the driver got out of the limo, walked up to the farmer, pulled a revolver from a shoulder holster and put a bullet in the farmer's head, recreating almost exactly, the earlier scene in the barn.

Now, Mickey was shaken and he began crying. He told George all about the joke gone bad. George said, "Don't worry son, I'll handle everything." He had the driver take Mickey back to the airport. Then George spent the entire evening consoling the only surviving family member, a comely daughter.

A month later, George Steinbrenner paid for the abortion and the girl's entire college education. When the sheriff started snooping around, President Gerald Ford himself, made sure nothing came of the investigation.

George Steinbrenner was a complicated man.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

George Steinbrenner - May You Burn in Hell...

funny George Steinbrenner, dead George Steinbrenner egomaniac That image up there that I created years ago summarizes my feelings about George Steinbrenner III. If you are a Yankee hater, it's worth clicking on it so you can read all the little type.

Yes, I stole the World War I helmet from NY Daily News cartoonist Bill Gallo, and I stole the Patton missive idea from Mike Francesa, a talk show host on WFAN, New York, but the Dr. Evil outfit is all me.

I have this picture in my head. It's the first Dead George Steinbrenner Joke.

George Steinbrenner gets to the pearly gates and is met by a bearded St. Peter and a bearded Jesus Christ.

Jesus says, "We'll forget all about the lying, cheating, envy, avarice, greed, pridefulness and adultery but you will have to grow a beard to get into heaven. Sorry, but it is the rule."

"Never!" bellowed an outraged Steinbrenner.

So, George Steinbrenner is burning in hell.

I know Johnny Damon laughed.

Here's another image of George Steinbrenner I created for a bit that never was.

I had discovered the liquify tool in Photoshop and started playing with images of Barry Bonds. The visuals were cool but the writing was not funny, so I let it die.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Slow News Day = Big, Pink Boobs at the New York Times

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

I was perusing the "Paper of Record," electronically, so no paper was actually involved in my perusal, when I noticed these.

new york times boobs Big, pink boobs. The staid, "All the News Thats Fit to Print," New York Times has strapped on the underwire and is proudly displaying it's broadsheet for everyone to see.

big pink new york times boobs

That added a few column inches to my masthead!

Because this is the "Virtual Paper of Record," the boobs even move. They're preparing the perfect Bloody Mary. Then the camera pulls back revealing an actual woman, the general manager of a trendy NY restaurant, that has a six Bloody Mary mug.

NY Times Editor: "Jesus Christ! Zoom in! Zoom in! Tighter, tighter, good. Beautiful Bloody Mary, my ass! Almost lost the free peanuts and Clamato Cocktail. Wow, talk about the dangers of gonzo journalism."

I'm not a Bloody Mary guy. Give me a perfect Bloody Mary and I'll pop it in the microwave for two minutes and pour it over a bowl of penne.

The LeBron James Variety and Comedy Hour - The bit that never was...

funny LeBron James I was going to have this incredibly cool and funny bit posted yesterday that poked fun at the LeBron ESPN Hour Long Primetime Special from Downtown Greenwich, Connecticut, but my Boss said no. He didn't actually say no, he just piled so much work on that I was unable to take a lunch or go on my entirely legal half hour morning coffee break.

very funny LeBron James It was going to be this great combo of those 70's variety shows with the first name of the host in big funkadelic letters and today's reality television. There's the Knicks owner, James Dolan after a tear inspiring rose ceremony.

lol funny LeBron James
I may have mentioned this before, but I hate my job with a passion worthy of Mel Gibson. My job is mind-numbingly boring, unfathomly useless and demeaning in ways that only a piss bucket boy from the 1700's would understand. Every minute I am at work is a punch in the neck, a kick in the balls, a spike hammered through my eye into the part of my brain where joy resides. Still, it does pay the bills and I'm eternally grateful for all the pain and anguish.

Check this out, I went to the trouble of assembling the flashy greats of basketball, Michael, Dr. J, Magic, and The Big O dressed like the Four Tops!

not quite so funny as the one before it LeBron James
I was going to create this nifty visual with comic legend, Flip Wilson,

flip wilson, no LeBron James
an exceptionally hot photo of Queen Latifa,

Queen Latifa looking do a ble
a goofy LeBron headshot and some words in Cooper Black font,

least funny LeBron James so far

Coulda, shoulda, woulda, frickin' boss.

not so funny LeBron James
I was also going to have LeBron sing
All by myself.
Don't wanna be,
All by myself,
You know, that mushy like a three week old banana song by Eric Carmen of The Raspberries.

The Raspberries, lame name. Did youk now that raspberry has a p in it?  It does.
He was gonna be all misty and sing it in a duet with

mega-star Joey Heatherton. You remember her, Joey looked like Mrs. Brady from The Brady Bunch after a month long bender spent in a hotel room with the entire roster of the Kentucky Colonels.

Joey Heatherton and Florence Henderson and me in a big naked pile with marshmallow fluff and chocolate syrup.Maybe next time.

btw, if I was LeBron I would have picked Miami, too. Great weather, incredible nightlife, stellar teammates and good fans that will not make your life miserable if you lose one game to Minnesota.