Friday, September 18, 2009

My Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing (with my dick)

When Patrick Swayze died, I thought about it like I think about almost everything, with my dick. My dick kind of hates Patrick Swayze. Obviously, my dick doesn't hate the version of Patrick Swayze that looked like an old lesbian or the wasting away version that decorated the aisles of every supermarket over the last several months. And my dick doesn't even hate the Roadhouse version; dancing, lisping tough guys with hair like Lady from Lady and the Tramp amuse me and my dick. My dick just hates the Dirty Dancing version of Patrick Swayze*.

By every God given right, I should have had a legitimate shot at banging girls like Jennifer Grey. Once again for clarification, not the post-surgery, teeny-nosed, massively-boobed Jennifer Grey. I'm talking the really cute, Jewish girl with the tighter than average body. As a teen, I was kind of a cute boy with a tighter than average body. But after watching Dirty Dancing 18,000 times on HBO, every girl that looked remotely like "Don't Put Baby in a Corner" Baby aspired to mates far better than me. "Damn that Patrick Swayze!" cursed my dick.

Back in the day, my old man wasn't competing with a tall, massively muscled gentile that was so soft spoken that the bastard seemed non-threatening. He wasn't trying to outshine a bulging hunk of non-kosher meat that could flitter and float like a beautiful butterfly. My dad was competing with Butchie, the slightly plump son of the butcher or Schmutzie, the bespeckled son of the dry cleaner. Those guys couldn't have lifted a brisket over their heads nevermind a hot, little number like Baby.

See that poor guy up there with Baby. That guy thought he had a shot and so did I. And just like me, the poor guy probably ended up sleeping with the watermelon.

*Notes From The Author
1. Growing up I was a boy so I never watched any scene in Ghost that didn't involve Demi Moore giving clay a handjob.

2. You: "You're so gay! You know so much about Dirty Dancing!"
Me: Dirty Dancing is basically a sports movie. I like to think of it as the Jewish Rocky.
3. These same girls grew into women that all thought that they were going to marry Jerry Seinfeld. Life is so unfair -- not for them, for my dick.4. Too soon? When was I going to post this bit, three years from now? Out of respect, I waited like a whole week knowing full well that I would lose all those cheap google "Patrick Swayze" hits.

Other posts by my dick:

My Dick Reviews The Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular

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