Friday, September 30, 2011

My Dick Discusses The Debt

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Saturday night I tried to see Moneyball but it was sold out so I went to see The Debt. This made my dick very happy. While my dick likes Brad Pitt, it turns out that it really, really likes the redhead in The Debt, Jessica Chastain. Not only is she gorgeous and sexy and skilled in the martial arts-- she also kills Nazis which was a huge, unexpected turn on.

I wanted to be the guy that impregnates her then lies in bed with her naked for nine months feeding her my homemade rugulach (which is really easy to make in a food processor but really impresses hot Jewish chicks).

This movie takes place in Berlin in 1966 and Israeli in 1999. Young Rachel is played by Jessica the smoking hot redhead of my dreams. Old Rachel is played by Helen Mirren. This was easily understood. There was only one female Jew in Berlin in 1966 and she had a large, hideous scar on her right cheek. When Helen Mirren shows up with a large, hideous scar on her right cheek, my dick had no problem figuring out who she was. Unfortunately, my dick is not the smartest organ in my body despite the fact that I have often been been accused of thinking with it.

In 1966, there are two male Jews that want to capture a Nazi and bang the hot redhead of my dreams. One is a square-faced, pale-skinned, Irish looking Jew and the other guy is a long, thin-faced, swarthy looking Jew with thick black hair. Both handsome, both Jewish, but they couldn't look less alike. Polar opposites.

In 1999, there are two old male Jews that are interacting with Old Rachel. One is square-faced, pale-skinned and Irish looking and the other is... just guess, I'm not typing all that out again.

Except that they switched. Somehow, thirty years later the Irish guy went swarthy and the swarthy guy went pale. What the fuck!?!

Worst casting ever!!! Why would you painstakingly recreate Cold War Berlin then cast the exact wrong actors in the corresponding roles!?!

I thought that the loss of blood from my brain during all the gynecological scenes may have left me confused so I asked the guy next to me. He was just as befuddled. IMDB confirmed it.

Stupid movie. However, the next time I go to the Carnegie Deli I'm ordering a Rachel sandwich, hold the meat. I'll supply the pastrami, dankeschön.


  1. This fabricated my dick actual happy. While my dick brand Brad Pitt, it turns out that it really, absolutely brand the redhead in The Debt, Jessica Chastain.

    Debt Help

  2. I like the way you think canceraddy!

    You are either extremely high or extremely robotic driven. Either way, I want to party with you!


  3. Bringing us to debt settlement, this activity has been allowance millions of humans get out of debt during this abhorrent recession.


  4. Jacob,

    I totally agree!

    If Obama had made my Dick Secretary of the Treasury like he promised, the economy would be in way better shape.

    Thanks for the comment!


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  6. Dear Shats,

    Are you saying that the director's intention was to focus our attention on the culture and traditon of post-war Nazi hunting by casting actors that looked unbelievably different?

    Because that is brilliant, Ms Shats!


  7. Bringing us to a debt settlement, this activity was the relief of millions of people to get out of this recession odious debt.

  8. Dear Ms. Wear,

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