Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Followers of Me, The Gospel of Bob

I expect a little more from My followers than the typical blogger. You must comply to My wishes or I will delete you. No exceptions!

The Ten Requirements

1. You must pray to Me 21 times a day. Twenty-one was Roberto Clemente's uniform number. It is holy to Me and now it is holy to you.

2. You must face Me when you pray. Assume I'm in the nearest bar.

3. You will not worship a golden rendering of Arianna Huffington or any of her body parts. You will not visit her blog more than once a day.

4. You must laugh at My jokes no matter how lame. You must leave a comment now and then. All comments will include exclamation marks. :)s are optional.

5. Tithing is required. I demand 10% over the Mormon going rate. Use My PayPal account.

6. You will allow Me to covet your wife, girlfriend or Golden Lab. If you are a wife, girlfriend or Golden Lab, you must allow Me to ogle you and rub your belly.

7. You shall not commit adultery unless you take pictures and send them to Me.

8. The firstborn of a donkey you shall redeem with a lamb, or if you will not redeem it you shall break its neck. All the firstborn of your sons you shall redeem at Shoprite during double coupon week.

9. No Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, Jebusites or Yankee fans.

10. If you meet Me in person and I say, "Walk this way." You must follow with, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder." No ad-libbing. If you follow with, "Talk this way," I will punch you in the face, unless you're Steven Tyler. If you are Steven Tyler, I will force you to watch Me make out with your daughter.

Have a Melonosky day!


  1. I actually clicked on the rules! Yeah! you suckered me in on that. I clicked with one eye open though!

    I will only follow the rules on one condition, your penis has to sparkle like unicorn farts!

  2. Seriously, you must strictly follow the rules -- no exceptions. I demand and deserve devout followers.

    Which maybe why I have only one true follower, or maybe it's because I get no visitors in the first place.

    Stop reading this and start praying, it's probably time. Twenty-one times a day comes out to every 69 minutes not counting sleep. I'm worth it and so is my penis.

  3. wait wait wait, you had me at penis.

  4. oh shit fuck, i forgot the exclamation marks!!!

  5. Paige,

    Hi, welcome to the fold. Your minor sin against Me will be forgiven because you are too funny.

    Start praying I'm sure you're 2 or 3 behind.