When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, The Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless eye-ties. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong.
The problem is the censors. I initially thought it was a filter or a computer algorithm that searched on keywords. But it's not. Rupert Murdoch must own warehouses full of Indians looking for inappropriate comments.
Here are some examples.
'I thought Malibu was supposed to be glamorous???': Victoria Beckham and Tana Ramsay sun themselves on beach beside a construction fence.
My Comment: The cops probably put up that fence to keep the rats off her cadaverous body. While you're in the US go to McDonald's and eat a Big Mac and an extra large fries. Girl, you need to gain a few pounds!
The sexy woman formally known as Posh Spice and currently known as the chick married to Beckham is notoriously skinny. Here's a photo of Victoria Beckham shaking the hand of a woman that eats food.
You have to admit that Posh looks like a contestant on Survivor:Biafra. If it wasn't for the implants, she could hide behind a No. 2 pencil. Why was this comment rejected? I didn't use any bad or suggestive words. I was mean to a British woman that married a beloved footballer.
Here's another example of a rejected comment.
'Like 50 Shades of Grey for kids': Furious parents get book that teaches 11-year-olds about masturbation removed from school reading list
My comment: Maybe Kelly-Ann should homeschool her sons. Learning from a book can never replace hands-on training from your mom.
Mom with big boobs bans book in Queens -- because it contains, wait for it, masturbation. My comment, while suggestive, is pretty fucking subtle. I happen to love the book the bitch banned so this was personal.
I do get some comments posted. Here's this week's winner.
Bieber's beauties: Stunning brunette waitresses who 'went home with teen pop star Justin, 19, following his Hampton brawl are revealed'
My comment: Why settle for Selena Gomez when you can get two for the price of one? This guy is my hero! Rating ▼ 453
Defending Justin Bieber while dissing Selena Gomez is comment gold.
Paula Deen rejects Dancing With The Stars offer in wake of N-word controversy
My comment: Sometimes grossly overweight racists are light on their feet -- Bristol Palin is a perfect example. Rating ▼ 34
When I got this one through I thought it was money but the results were disappointing. Is there no rightwing British nutjob love for cute, little Bristol and racist, mama bear Paula? No, there isn't. I don't want to give away trade secrets but Daily Mail Kardashian love is more ample than all their booties and breasts combined.
Khloe Kardashian's marriage rocked by new infidelity claims as lawyer alleges she had 'six-week summer affair' with Lamar Odom
My comment: When you are the ugliest Kardashian, you have to make compromises. Lamar may be a serial cheater but he's rich and handsomer. Khloe, give that man of yours a hug and bake him some cookies. Rating ▼ 124
I'm thinking of holding a contest. If you can get more negative ratings than me in a week you win an extremely rare UncleMelon t-shirt. Stay tuned for details.