Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Disney Week: Snow White and the Medicated Dwarves

I just spent 3 days at Disney World (don't ask) so now you all have to suffer. I am declaring this week Disney Week! First up, a rerun of one of my favorite bits, that's clever, funny, and well-drawn. I have updated the text a little.

hot snow white nurse Snow White has been busy improving the lives of her housemates. With the help of the Pharmaceutical Research Manufacturer's Association (PhRMA), Snow White has all the dwarves on human growth hormone, and has carefully selected prescriptions for each of their "quirks." Snow White has joined us today as a special guest:

Narcoleptic Dwarf (we affectionately call him Narcky), formerly known as Sleepy, was not only the least productive of the dwarves, but also posed a safety hazard in the diamond mine. Everytime the accident bell rang and I had to pull the lifeless bodies of Dopey and Doc from a tunnel, I knew ol' Sleepy had nodded off at the air bellows. Thanks to the research and development efforts of Cephalon, we sometimes call him "Perky" instead. He stares at the task at hand and performs his job. Just don't try and strike up a conversation or chit-chat, because Foggy will just mumble a few words and go right back to work.

Allergic Dwarf, formerly known as Sneezy, was very pleasant and meant well. But just try to eat your bowl of porridge when the dwarf across the table from you is schnuffling, and dripping, and wiping his little snot covered fingers all over the tablecloth. And when he sneezed! Sure we used it for a couple of cheap laughs when we made the movie but I literally had to get out the mop and the bucket and scrub half the cottage everytime he let one loose. Thanks to Claritin and the good folks at the Schering-Plough Corporation, Ally is a happier, less disgusting dwarf that is a pleasure to live with!

Depressy, formerly known as Grumpy, has finally addressed his issues with his mother, and her prenatal habits that led directly to his disability. Once we titrated his dose to 80 mg per day, he's acted as happy as a lark, even if he still sings like a foghorn. We still give credit to Eli Lilly, even though the cheapskates over at Disney will only pay for the cheaper generic version of the drug. Of course, D.P. can no longer masturbate, but that's one less mess I have to clean up every morning!

Social Anxiety Disorder (SADDY) Dwarf, formerly known as Bashful, was a frustrating little dwarf to be around. Oh, if I had a lump of coal for everytime I just wanted to yell, "Just say it already loser!" -- I could have bought this cottage and sent the lot of them on their merry way. But I'm a beautiful, fairy tale princess that has been wrongfully exiled by an equally beautiful evil stepmother, so I just had to bite my tongue and be patient. My tongue was a mess!
Thanks to Paxil and GlaxoSmithKline, SADDY is much less frustrating to live with. My tongue has healed but now my buttocks are sore from his constant pinching. Given the choice, this princess would take SADDY everytime.

Manic, as we call him now, was Happy to the viewing public, but he had a much darker side at home. We could only film during his "highs," and when the bottom dropped out, he'd hide in the mine for days, sobbing uncontrollably. Only Sleepy could get any sleep for weeks on end. Once the electroschock treatments failed and the lobotomy scar healed, we started him on Depakote. The drug worked wonders leveling out his moods. It's enabled Manic to sign a long-term deal, reunite with his long-time lover Dale, and become a productive, if highly unimaginative member of our group.

Once I tell you that Doc was neither a medical doctor, a Ph.D., or a genius, you'll understand why he was committed for much of his life. When I think back to the early years and those weekly pelvic exams, I just want to cry. Look at those wiggly fingers! Now that we've optimized his dose of Risperdal, we've renamed him Schizzy, and we no longer have to deal with piles of woodland corpses on the porch every morning.
While we enjoyed all the free meat on cold winter nights, Bambi was starting to complain. Schizzy shakes a bit now, but he's got a heart of gold, rather than an actual heart on a gold chain around his neck!

Dopey no more, thanks to the good people at Shire Pharmaceuticals and Adderall. I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life embroidering his name on every shirt, but now he's working toward his GED and actually helps the others count their morning pills! We've renamed him Addy, after the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) that prevented him from focusing on diamonds, learning scripts, and protecting his ass in the shower. Sure, Adderall is just a mixture of amphetamines, but he and Narcky are up all night working on new projects for our production company.

And what about me? Prince Charming and I tried to make it work but I realized that I was happier with the dwarves. Thanks to the wonderful world of today's magical pharmaceuticals, my life is like a Disney movie!

A short note about cartoon character bits. Everytime I do a bit about cartoon characters, I start getting lots of visitors from search engines looking for "cartoon porn, Judy Jetson naked, or Charlie Brown and Linus teabagging." Its a great source of traffic. Of course when they get here, everyone is pretty disappointed. As a prophylatic measure (prophylatic will be good for a few hits), here's an image that may qualify as Snow White porn.

naked snow white dwarf butts


  1. Bob,

    I'll give you clever, but funny? No.

    Clever without funny is basically a better than average accountant.

    Grumpy depressed? Grumpy was just pragmatic and boring. If I was Snow White, I would have a very, dry martini waiting for him in a frosted glass every evening. Then Grumpy can sit back in his favorite chair, in a darkened room away from all the other dwarves and listen to Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun.

    I hate hell.


  2. Bill,

    Back from the dead!?!

    I'll settle for 2 out of 3. You have to admit that I drew a killer Snow White, that those dwarf's asses kick ass and that not-so-dopey Dopey is pretty cool.


  3. Bill,

    Forgot your booze idea. Good job, Mr. Safire. Although, I would rather draw Grumpy burning a spliff and might actually do just that for Disney Week.

    Also, the point of the bit was meds with prescriptions.

    Thanks for the comment!