Friday, November 12, 2010

Disney Week: The Future of the Magic Kingdom

I have seen the future of Disney World -- in the movie WALL-E.

WALL-E World disneyThree hours into my vacation at Disney World, I noticed something weird. There were more scooters in the park than there were strollers. When I say scooters, I'm not talking about these things.

not a disney world scooter I'm talking about these things. You know, Evel Knievel's last ride, the Rascal, a tricked out wheelchair, a scooter.

disney world scooter Thousands and thousands of scooters as far as the eye could see. I knew that Disney had gay days, and military days, but Bring a Disabled Fat Guy to Disney Day? It wasn't in the official guide. After careful study, I noticed something unusual about these disabled people:

They all had a smoked turkey leg in one hand
They all had greasy turkey dribblings on all their chins
They all had several chins each
They all got out of their scooters after they parked them next to the stollers and got on line with nary a limp.

This was not a vast army of disabled fatties. It was a vast army of lazy, fat asses.

I have seen the future and it ain't pretty. The good folks at Pixar gave us a warning -- under the watchful eyes of their evil, corporate overlords.

future of disney world, WALL-E World You know how the humans in Wall-E have evolved into chubby, soft, infantesque slugs that can not even get out of there mobile recliner chairs? I screen captured a frame from the movie and look, a smoked turkey leg and a jumbo-sized Diet Coke. Subliminal product placement? I don't think so. Pixar knows that Disney Imagineers are working feverishly, and in less than twenty years, we will be those larva-like, lumps of lard.

The monorail will stop at the Magic Kingdom. Our electric recliner chairs will disembark and efficiently transport us around the park. We'll go to every attraction, no need to get out of our chairs, they just snap on to the rides. No need to think or make a decision, our chairs will visit every gift shop, every parade, every ride and every turkey leg stand, then deposit us at our Disney Resort hotel room fourteen hours later. Restrooms? Only Granny uses restrooms. Colostomy bags and catheters for everyone, complete with ears!

Why do I care if Americans are too damn lazy to walk? Look at this photo I took of the guys I was with on my trip.

my hot chick friends at Disney World The only photo where I finally got everyone to pose in one place and some frickin princess from Tennessee, a slug in training, ruins the shot with her speedy junior scooter.

turkey leg and some damn nice legs If you look closely, there it is, the smoked turkey leg ,and I think I see a second chin begining to emerge.

Be scared people, be very, very scared.


  1. Bobby,

    Have you never been to a WallMart in Alabama? Disney has no monopoly on lazy fat asses, the country is full of them.

    Sweet company! How come you've never introduced me to any of your companions? I'd have never left the suite.

    Did I ever tell you about the time I spent an entire weekend in Anaheim with Annette Funicello and Cubby, and we never wore more than a pair of ears?

    Hey there, hi there, ho there, we were as happy as can be!!!


  2. Bill,

    I'm usually not one to kiss and tell but here you go.

    Top Row (l to r) Heavy Petting, Messy Manischewitz, Flying Squirrel, Hoboken Humbucker, Cleveland Steamer, Golden Letter Opener

    Bottom Row (l to r) Dirty Sanchez, Ring-a-Levio, Crouching Tigeress, Detroit Piston

    Seriously, I wouldn't let you in the same state.

    Annette Funicello? I'm keeping track. That's 3 ways with Annette, Joey Heatherton and Lee Meriweather. Have you banged anyone in the last 100 years?


  3. Bobby,

    I'm impressed and don't know what half those positions entail.

    I'm surprised you didn't perform the infamous "Naughty Monkey Red Peep Toe Pump" on a few of these ladies. Favored by our Queen Mother Grizzly, I find that it is a nice segue when transitioning from a "Pitbull Ring Toss" to a "Hockey Mom Crease Crunch."

    I'd be happy to demonstrate with the blonde in the bottom row.


  4. Bill,

    I wouldn't "Naughty Monkey Red Peep Toe Pump" Sarah Palin with Ann Coulter's dick!