Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Arizona is... - the State of the Week

Every Wednesday I'm going to post a bit on one of the 50 states, of these United States, in alphabetical order.

First state up, Arizona. I'm skipping Alabama because I hate Alabama.

When I think of Arizona, the first three things I think of are racists, John McCain and pretty desert scenes.

Arizona is the most racist state
What does the world think of Arizona?
Arizona is the worst state When you type "Arizona is the..." into google, you get a bunch of ignorable junk and the following insightful answers:

Arizona is the what state

As in, "What the fuck is wrong with Arizona?"

Arizona is the worst state
Arizona is the best state

These cancel each other out.

Arizona is the sunshine state

Proving my theory that the world is full of stupid people. For you guys keeping score at home, Florida is the Sunshine State. Arizona is The Copper State, The Grand Canyon State, The Police State.

Arizona is the most racist state

Proving my theory that the world has a lot of smart, intelligent people in it that never get to be on TV.

Yes, I have been to Arizona. I have camped on the north and south rim of the Grand Canyon. Little known fact, I have never slept indoors in Arizona. Well known fact, the north rim kicks the south rim's aspens.

I would live in New Mexico and commute.

Where in Arizona is the crater? There it is.

where in Arizona is the crater

Another little known fact, I stole this bit from today is my birthday!

More Arizona bashing, my world famous Aryan-zona poster (suitable for framing).

Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Flat Sarah Palin Meeting and Greeting

Friday Fotoshop Funny No. 2: Delegates to the recent Texas State Republican Convention paid $500 for the priviledge of posing with a Sarah Palin cardboard cut out. Houston Chronicle, June 2, 2010

That is one short, stumpy, Republican housefrau
or Sarah Palin is taller in cardboard. Flat Sarah!
Sounds like a good project for Social Studies.
I'll give you guys a shot at the boob jokes and the
crease jokes (Look closely, Flat Sarah folds in half
for easy storage!)

Obvious. But in the words of Rush Limbaugh,
"More obvious. More ratings." Can you be more funny?
Leave a comment or
e-mail me.

Albert Bluford Walker from North Carolina sent in this winner.
Can't go wrong underestimating the intelligence of the voting
public. What did happen to Joe the Dumber? I think my
grandmother once had that dress made into a couch.

Thanks to ChuckRuffing15 for this funny contribution.
I know exactly the chick Chuck is talking about.
She's the only reason to rub one out to
that show/movie/another movie.

HarveyTheKitten from St. Louis got serious lols with the
image of Bill O'Reilly trying to make love to Flat Sarah.
Hopefully, Flat Sarah isn't as fertile as Real Sarah.

Dave Wallace from my hometown, NYC sends in the first
penis joke of the day. I know Sarah Palin gives wood to
most of middle America but when I hear her hate talk,
my balls try to crawl up into my abdomen to hide.
Different strokes for different blokes, I guess.

Can you be more funny? Send in your funny joke, I'll fire up the photoshop and if you have a site/blog/facebook/personal ad or whatever, I'll plug you good!

Update 10/28/2010 - More Reader Submitted Captions!

Mike from Whereabouts Unknown reminds
us that Sarah has unusual neighbors.

Mike again, because every Republican
grandmother wants to be just like Sarah Palin.
Now, that's good family values!

Mike submitted a nice simple third one that I felt the need to eff with.

Pound the Budweiser, interactive since 2009!

One more from me, inspired by my witty repartee
with regular contributor William Safire. If you don't check
out the comment section, you are missing out on
some of the best stuff on this blog.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks

Sports is the only thing I consistently watch on TV with the following two exceptions, The Family Guy and The Simpsons. I want to like soccer. I want to fill the empty void in my life with hours and hours of enjoyable games. Unfortunately, FIFA football sucks.

1. Diving

There is nothing that will make a red-blooded American switch channels quicker than watching a hairy little Italian pussy grab his shin and roll around on the ground as if Tonya Harding had just gilloolyed his ass -- only to discover that the wussy SOB faked it.

Then the stupid referee red cards the Third World defender and the underdog team that you have been rooting for has to play with only 10 guys. Italy, being a vastly superior team, now with an extra player, then overwhelms its opponent and wins the game 1-0.

Watching a supposed athlete fake an injury is embarassing to an American. Nancy Kerrigan, (an actual woman as opposed to a hairy little Italian man acting like a rich bitch from the 1920's) actually gets hit in the shin with a crow bar and than competes in the Olympics. A soccer player almost gets kicked in the leg and he falls faster than Italy in World War II. Leave it to the Italians to excel in a game that covets cowardice.

2. Ties

The only ties in sports should be around the necks of the former players that are announcing the game. Nil to nil is not a score, it's a snoozefest. An American would rather lose while fighting hard than safely tie an opponent for a strategical advantage later on in the tournament.

3. Thousands of Meaningless Passes

Actual quote I heard during a game yesterday after Brazil passed it 37 times in a row before the ball bounced harmlessly off a guy's foot out of bounds.

"Blimey Trevor, I was lucky enough to call the game back in '96 when the Argentines scored the historic 67 pass goal and I thought I was about to see one even better. All for naught, I'm afraid. Beautiful game, indeed."

Basketball used to have hundreds of meaningless passes and endless dribbling until someone with a brain realized it was more more fun to watch a guy actually try to score. Twenty-four second clock. There has to be one clock in South Africa with a second hand. Find it. Use it.

4. Players With Arms Like 5 Year Old Girls

I know they use their legs 99% of the time but would it kill them to hit the weight room once a month? Most of these guys would lose an arm wrestling match with Paris Hilton!

And there is this thing called a "throw in" that requires the use of arms. I would say that they throw like 6 year old girls but that would be an insult to all 6-year old girls. Also, wouldn't the additional body mass provided by actual biceps or shoulders be useful in those battles for a header in front of the goal?

Americans don't like watching highly-paid athletes they can beat up.

A Few Things I like About the World Cup

1. No Commercials!

Don't you foreigners buy beer and cars? I've lost five pounds because I can't get up off the couch every five minutes to visit the fridge. Of course the joke is on me, so little happens during a game that I could go in the kitchen and prepare a three course meal and all I would miss is 800 passes, 12 fake injuries and a near miss.

2. One Game at a Time

If I actually cared about the World Cup, I could actually watch every game on American TV. During NCAA March Madness, I can't do this. I can't even do it during the baseball playoffs.

3. Should Be Called Football
Soccer players use their feet a lot more than American football players. We should start calling soccer football and come up with a better name for our football. I have a few suggestions:

More World Cup Soccer Suckage

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks -- 4 Years Later - More or less this bit slightly updated for 2014

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks - Final 2014 Update - Why I gave up on World Cup Brazil 2014 after only one game.

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Hottest TV Food Show Hosts I Banged

Top Five Hottest TV Food Show Hosts I Banged

Best of 2010

Bob Melonosky

He's so funny he makes the babes horny. He owns the biggest humor site in the world. He just signed a five movie development deal with Dreamworks. And now Bob Melonosky is going to rank the top five foodies he banged in 2010.

Mixam, June 2010

Female food TV hosts come in three basic flavors: 1.) Too skinny models that have spent most of their lives subsisting on lettuce, carrot sticks and Ipecac. They would be hosting America's Next Model if Tyra Banks had only married David Bowie's son; 2) Women that are hired because they are attractive but not so good-looking that they can earn a living being just good looking. These not-quite-attractive-enough women need a gimmick to make it in show business. The specific gimmick here is the ability to talk and dice without cutting off their fingers; 3) Woman that know so much about cooking that they can look like Bea Arthur before the sex change and still get a show.

So far, in 2010, I have sampled some tasty treats from all three categories.

sexy rachael ray licking5. Rachael Ray

Category 2: Cute girl next door with less curves than a North Dakota highway.

Recipe of the Day: Two Corn Niblets prominently displayed on an endless expanse of bland, mashed potatoes.

hot rachael ray eating strawberryNever has so much been attempted with so little. On the set of Rachael's show, I got to talking with Betty the Boob Wrangler about all the duct tape, double bras and fondant it takes to accentuate what is almost not there. Girl deserves a medal.

When I entered Rachael's dressing room she was wearing nothing but two bras, a half a roll of duct tape and a grin so wide you could shove a whole leg of lamb in there and have room for Mario Batali's left ass cheek. Rachael told the boob wrangler to take a hike and growled in her hoarse, knife accidentally falling into a Cuisinart voice, "Put some EVOO -that's extra virgin olive oil - on that bad boy and get over here - you have a rump roast to baste." A sexy, funny come on ruined by her need to explain that EVOO was what she liked to call Extra Virgin Olive Oil every time she says EVOO.

"How about I just spit on it and then you won't get to say that beyond-tired line 16 more times before I've left your perfectly cooked rump to rest in its own juices," I responded, rakishly removing the single overall strap holding up my pants.

With just 3 ingredients (her, me, and KY), I fixed her meal in 30 minutes, leaving her rump so tender it was falling off the bone. She pleaded with me to call her soon, "OK?" I did, I called her my EVOOH - that's extra voracious overweight over-the-hill host.

giada de laurentiis soaked in special sauce

4. Giada Di Laurentiis

Category 2: Giada has a little body that is so hot, it's like when the oil in a saute pan goes from shimmering to smoking. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Giada has a smoking little body. Unfortunately, her larger than a crenshaw melon head has a jaw on it like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The girl can seriously masticate!

Recipe of the Day: A mouthful of pasta primavera - feeds 8.

sexy giada di laurentiis

I hooked up with Giada at her home overlooking the Pacific Ocean. She buzzed me in at the gate and told me to let myself in. I followed a trail of saffron stigmas across her thick white carpet, up the impressively wide curving staircase to her sun-filled bedroom. Giada looked truly scrumptious lying in a pool of marinara, her delightful pair of meatballs bursting from her Versace gown. I pulled a hunk of Parmigiano reggiano from one hot giada di laurentiispocket and an Alessi Parmenide Bamboo cheese grater from the other and proceeded to cover her with a light dusting of deliciousness. I asked her if she wanted a grinding of fresh pepper but all she did in response was grab me and pull me into her sauce.

I licked my tongue raw that day, my friends, and was rewarded for my efforts with a 12 course meal featuring Giada in every position imaginable. I am the Iron Chef!

hot padma lakshmi

3. Padma Lakshmi

sexy padma lakshmi lickingCategory 1: This woman don't need no gimmicks to get on anywhere. News reporter, actress, model, my wife, the possibilities are endless. She is gorgeous, smart and hornier than Bullwinkle J. Moose.

Recipe of the Day: Tandoori Breasts with Mango Lassi Smoothies

Padma sneaked me onto the Top Chef set while the show was on hiatus. I offered her my lovingly prepared appetizer right on the judge's table. I was worried that it was too large, more suitable for a main course portion, but she gobbled it up greedily.

After she swallowed the last morsel she turned to the other judges and asked, "Did anyone else find it a little mushy? Maybe a tad overcooked?"

padma lakshmi giving head to a hamburger
That's when the gay guy in the Buddy Holly glasses said, "I agree, and it had an off smell, was it tarragon or a little too much violet mustard?"

Tough crowd. Luckily, I knew I never had to go past the quick fire challenge, and that was over in 5 minutes with a good glazing of Padma's vindaloo.

messy paula deen2. Paula Deen

Category 3: Mrs. Deen is chock full of personality, Southern hospitality and cellulite, but my professors at the Columbia School of Journalism never said it was going to be a picnic, so I spread out the checkered tablecloth and got to work.

Recipe of the Day:

A picnic in the backyard under a sugar magnolia was the scene of this foodie foray. Paula Deen took one look at me, licked her wrinkled lips, and said, "Is that a Smithfield ham in your pocket or has my son Bobby been busy fluffin' y'all?"

That's when I whipped out my 14 inch Kosher salami, we cut it up and put it on crackers and arranged it on a tray with some Low Country pecan encrusted cheese balls. Then I pulled out my cock, Paula gave herself an egg wash, dredged herself liberally with seasoned bread crumbs, got down on her hands and knees, and presented her bountiful bottom to me with a cackle and a drizzle of white truffle oil.

Three minutes later, Paula swiveled her head around and looked at me over her shoulder, every thrust of my hips caused the folds in her neck to vibrate violently as if Rocky were pounding her midsection like a frozen side of beef, "Hey y'all, you can't churn butter with a toothpick, sweetie, you gonna be down thar til sundown!"

I closed my eyes, kicked it up a notch and started imagining what it would be like to be naked in a pile with Cat Cora and the chick from America's Test Kitchen.

sexy nigella lawson
1. Nigella Lawson

Category ?: Yummy.

hot nigella lawsonRecipe of the Day: Scrumptious English Crumpet

I met Ms. Lawson during a book signing tour. I was out promoting my N.Y. Times bestseller, Sorcerer Stoned, she was selling some kind of cook book, I think. Honestly, I did not have a clue who she was. I introduced myself and she showed me the proper English way to kneed a yeast dough to produce a delectable muffin. She showed me under the table, amid stacks of books, as she continually signed her autograph, with a crowd of at least a hundred watching, while I struggled to maintain control, until I doubled in size from all the leavening, before finally collapsing like a roughly handled souffle. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she secretly gave me a handy under a table in the Barnes and Noble at Union Square.

nigella lawson eating
Later that night we feasted on each other until the first light of morning. Nigella has huge tracts of land, a huge appetite for all things and I hope some day all this will be mine. What the meat curtains?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

More Funny Sarah Palin - Sarah and Henry Kissinger in Love

Reader Submitted Captions!!!

Mike, who is fast becoming a blog regular, submitted this funny fotoshop funny.

From Mike, whereabouts unknown.
Sarah looks about as much like a cleaning lady
as Dr. Henry looks like a big, glob of goo. No, wait,
Sarah looks about as much as a cleaning lady
as Dr. Henry looks like a stud bagel.

Send in yours and we'll plug you good!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Sarah Palin and Henry Kissinger in Love

Here at PtB we are instituting a new weekly feature, Friday Fotoshop Funnies. I see you shiver with anticipation, or maybe your brain has really had enough of these pedestrian, half-baked rip-offs of the old National Lampoon Foto Funnies that have clogged up the internet pipes. Toughtitties.

Given that this place has become Sarah Palin-palooza lately let's start with a classic Fotoshop Funny from my old site (voted by as the leftist comedy site most likely to be mispelled).

Premise, blank photo stolen from the web. We all supply funny stuff. Here's the The Onion-esque tagline.

Friday Fotoshop Funny No. 1: Sarah Palin made her diplomatic debut yesterday when she met President Karzai, President Alvaro, and former Secretary of State Kissinger. Governor Palin remarked, "Ya know, they were pretty nice for foreigners but that last guy's accent? Are ya kiddin' me?"A.P. September 24, 2008

This photo has unbounded possibilities. Feel
free to use thought or dialogue balloons.
We'll change 'em for you.
e-mail me

We took the lowest road, his unbelievable
past as a stud bagel and her obvious fear of
the unfamiliar. Can you be more funny?

Ed Glynn of New York, NY was our first
reponder. He loses points for reusing Marlo
but kraut talk and schtupp? Always funny.
Send me yours!!!

Thanks to Anna Benson of Atlanta, GA. Sex and Jesus,
always a winner. What would Jesus do is so 1997,
but still, it gave me a smile -- much like Sarah's smile
in this photo. She looks like a trapped lemming.
Maybe its that big, meaty Kosher hand that
has her dainty little Christian paw pinned to her thigh.

This submission was sent in by Clinton M.
Hurdle of the Great State of Michigan. I have
to hand it to him, his hand line is better than mine.

Sent in by RichFolkersIowa38. Henry the K has been
involved in historic negotiations with China,
Russia, and the entire Middle East but, by far,
his most famous quote is about banging stewardesses. Nice!

Kelly Calabrese of San Diego, CA hits a dinger.
Timely and satiny. BTW, you can get sheets
made out of that material from the
Wilt Chamberlain collection at Saks Fifth Avenue .

From Delbert Unser, Decauteur, IL. Two
clean Fotoshop Funnies in a row? Maybe
now we can renew our membership in Focus on the Family.

Can you be more funny? Next friday a brand spanking new Friday Fotoshop Funnies, or not.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor Update!

Reader Submitted Captions!!!

Both funnier than the original Wall Street Journal attempt.

Mike took a shot at celebrity cook/celebrity Rachael Ray.

The wife does look like she would spend her day watching the Rachael Ray Show, with her perky ponytail, her I'm-a-smart-blonde eyeglasses and her standing-on-tippy-toes high heels.

Is there a more annoying small breasted woman in show business than Rachael Ray? Why say EVOO a hundred times a show, if you are going to explain that it stands for Extra Virgin Olive Oil every frickin' time? Do you just assume we've got to be brain dead because we are watching your show? I almost made her Blue Cheese Spaghetti with Dried Cranberries until I realized that it would actually look better going out than going in (taste better, too!).

Regular contributer Bill Safire made fun of the ridiculous pose of the husband and the demise of print journalism. The husband looks like one of those life sized muppets that takes five guys to work and never, ever, looked good.

Join the fun and I'll plug you good. PoundtheBudweiser, interactive since 2009!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

More Wall Street Journal Humor - Let's Make Fun of the Unemployed

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

Ha, ha, ha, everybody is losing their jobs because the economy is tanking. There's something especially evil about the Wall Street Journal making fun of people losing their jobs, not particularly funny but evil, given that Wall Street greed and the capitalism that they worship is directly responsible. If it was funny, I'd give them a pass, but it's not. And once again, the cartoon is drawn for shite. The curving perspective of the walkway is nice but that rug and just about everything else sucks worse than Karl Rove with a mouth full of broken glass (copyright pending).

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me, we'll talk.

And today's winner so far:
I'm sorry, but there are a lot of ways to draw two people waving good-bye, and that's not one of them. Those are definitely Nazi salutes. No accident. The editors, Mr. Murdoch, and Mr. Rove all secretly sport wood when they look at this crap.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor
Clone Wars