Friday, June 18, 2010

The Hottest TV Food Show Hosts I Banged

Top Five Hottest TV Food Show Hosts I Banged

Best of 2010

Bob Melonosky

He's so funny he makes the babes horny. He owns the biggest humor site in the world. He just signed a five movie development deal with Dreamworks. And now Bob Melonosky is going to rank the top five foodies he banged in 2010.

Mixam, June 2010

Female food TV hosts come in three basic flavors: 1.) Too skinny models that have spent most of their lives subsisting on lettuce, carrot sticks and Ipecac. They would be hosting America's Next Model if Tyra Banks had only married David Bowie's son; 2) Women that are hired because they are attractive but not so good-looking that they can earn a living being just good looking. These not-quite-attractive-enough women need a gimmick to make it in show business. The specific gimmick here is the ability to talk and dice without cutting off their fingers; 3) Woman that know so much about cooking that they can look like Bea Arthur before the sex change and still get a show.

So far, in 2010, I have sampled some tasty treats from all three categories.

sexy rachael ray licking5. Rachael Ray

Category 2: Cute girl next door with less curves than a North Dakota highway.

Recipe of the Day: Two Corn Niblets prominently displayed on an endless expanse of bland, mashed potatoes.

hot rachael ray eating strawberryNever has so much been attempted with so little. On the set of Rachael's show, I got to talking with Betty the Boob Wrangler about all the duct tape, double bras and fondant it takes to accentuate what is almost not there. Girl deserves a medal.

When I entered Rachael's dressing room she was wearing nothing but two bras, a half a roll of duct tape and a grin so wide you could shove a whole leg of lamb in there and have room for Mario Batali's left ass cheek. Rachael told the boob wrangler to take a hike and growled in her hoarse, knife accidentally falling into a Cuisinart voice, "Put some EVOO -that's extra virgin olive oil - on that bad boy and get over here - you have a rump roast to baste." A sexy, funny come on ruined by her need to explain that EVOO was what she liked to call Extra Virgin Olive Oil every time she says EVOO.

"How about I just spit on it and then you won't get to say that beyond-tired line 16 more times before I've left your perfectly cooked rump to rest in its own juices," I responded, rakishly removing the single overall strap holding up my pants.

With just 3 ingredients (her, me, and KY), I fixed her meal in 30 minutes, leaving her rump so tender it was falling off the bone. She pleaded with me to call her soon, "OK?" I did, I called her my EVOOH - that's extra voracious overweight over-the-hill host.

giada de laurentiis soaked in special sauce

4. Giada Di Laurentiis

Category 2: Giada has a little body that is so hot, it's like when the oil in a saute pan goes from shimmering to smoking. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Giada has a smoking little body. Unfortunately, her larger than a crenshaw melon head has a jaw on it like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The girl can seriously masticate!

Recipe of the Day: A mouthful of pasta primavera - feeds 8.

sexy giada di laurentiis

I hooked up with Giada at her home overlooking the Pacific Ocean. She buzzed me in at the gate and told me to let myself in. I followed a trail of saffron stigmas across her thick white carpet, up the impressively wide curving staircase to her sun-filled bedroom. Giada looked truly scrumptious lying in a pool of marinara, her delightful pair of meatballs bursting from her Versace gown. I pulled a hunk of Parmigiano reggiano from one hot giada di laurentiispocket and an Alessi Parmenide Bamboo cheese grater from the other and proceeded to cover her with a light dusting of deliciousness. I asked her if she wanted a grinding of fresh pepper but all she did in response was grab me and pull me into her sauce.

I licked my tongue raw that day, my friends, and was rewarded for my efforts with a 12 course meal featuring Giada in every position imaginable. I am the Iron Chef!

hot padma lakshmi

3. Padma Lakshmi

sexy padma lakshmi lickingCategory 1: This woman don't need no gimmicks to get on anywhere. News reporter, actress, model, my wife, the possibilities are endless. She is gorgeous, smart and hornier than Bullwinkle J. Moose.

Recipe of the Day: Tandoori Breasts with Mango Lassi Smoothies

Padma sneaked me onto the Top Chef set while the show was on hiatus. I offered her my lovingly prepared appetizer right on the judge's table. I was worried that it was too large, more suitable for a main course portion, but she gobbled it up greedily.

After she swallowed the last morsel she turned to the other judges and asked, "Did anyone else find it a little mushy? Maybe a tad overcooked?"

padma lakshmi giving head to a hamburger
That's when the gay guy in the Buddy Holly glasses said, "I agree, and it had an off smell, was it tarragon or a little too much violet mustard?"

Tough crowd. Luckily, I knew I never had to go past the quick fire challenge, and that was over in 5 minutes with a good glazing of Padma's vindaloo.

messy paula deen2. Paula Deen

Category 3: Mrs. Deen is chock full of personality, Southern hospitality and cellulite, but my professors at the Columbia School of Journalism never said it was going to be a picnic, so I spread out the checkered tablecloth and got to work.

Recipe of the Day:

A picnic in the backyard under a sugar magnolia was the scene of this foodie foray. Paula Deen took one look at me, licked her wrinkled lips, and said, "Is that a Smithfield ham in your pocket or has my son Bobby been busy fluffin' y'all?"

That's when I whipped out my 14 inch Kosher salami, we cut it up and put it on crackers and arranged it on a tray with some Low Country pecan encrusted cheese balls. Then I pulled out my cock, Paula gave herself an egg wash, dredged herself liberally with seasoned bread crumbs, got down on her hands and knees, and presented her bountiful bottom to me with a cackle and a drizzle of white truffle oil.

Three minutes later, Paula swiveled her head around and looked at me over her shoulder, every thrust of my hips caused the folds in her neck to vibrate violently as if Rocky were pounding her midsection like a frozen side of beef, "Hey y'all, you can't churn butter with a toothpick, sweetie, you gonna be down thar til sundown!"

I closed my eyes, kicked it up a notch and started imagining what it would be like to be naked in a pile with Cat Cora and the chick from America's Test Kitchen.

sexy nigella lawson
1. Nigella Lawson

Category ?: Yummy.

hot nigella lawsonRecipe of the Day: Scrumptious English Crumpet

I met Ms. Lawson during a book signing tour. I was out promoting my N.Y. Times bestseller, Sorcerer Stoned, she was selling some kind of cook book, I think. Honestly, I did not have a clue who she was. I introduced myself and she showed me the proper English way to kneed a yeast dough to produce a delectable muffin. She showed me under the table, amid stacks of books, as she continually signed her autograph, with a crowd of at least a hundred watching, while I struggled to maintain control, until I doubled in size from all the leavening, before finally collapsing like a roughly handled souffle. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she secretly gave me a handy under a table in the Barnes and Noble at Union Square.

nigella lawson eating
Later that night we feasted on each other until the first light of morning. Nigella has huge tracts of land, a huge appetite for all things and I hope some day all this will be mine. What the meat curtains?


  1. Bobby,

    Interesting, very, very, long fantasy. OK, not that intersting. Wurst post, ever.

    Maybe, instead of this rot, you shold just ask the cute bartender at Benny's Burrito's if she wants to go out sometime.


  2. Bill,

    Stroke? More typos in this four line comment than in your long, illustrious career topside.

    I love this premise and I will continue to use it until the lawsuits shut it down. Those endless top ten lists of good looking celebrities are all about effing why not make it about actual effing?

    Thanks for your comment. I always appreciate your input no matter how mistaken.


  3. Good to know I'm not the only person who noticed A) the woman on America's Test Kitchen,
    B) watches the show

    No love for Sauced Sandra Lee?

  4. Mike,

    Thanks for all the comments!

    Sandra Lee! I try to spend only 1/2 hour a day on these posts so I kept it to five hosts. I'm thinking about an expanded version for that would definitely include Miss Lee.

    She's dating my probable next governor!