With just 3 ingredients (her, me, and KY), I fixed her meal in 30 minutes, leaving her rump so tender it was falling off the bone. She pleaded with me to call her soon, "OK?" I did, I called her my EVOOH - that's extra voracious overweight over-the-hill host.
Padma sneaked me onto the Top Chef set while the show was on hiatus. I offered her my lovingly prepared appetizer right on the judge's table. I was worried that it was too large, more suitable for a main course portion, but she gobbled it up greedily.
After she swallowed the last morsel she turned to the other judges and asked, "Did anyone else find it a little mushy? Maybe a tad overcooked?"
That's when the gay guy in the Buddy Holly glasses said, "I agree, and it had an off smell, was it tarragon or a little too much violet mustard?"
Tough crowd. Luckily, I knew I never had to go past the quick fire challenge, and that was over in 5 minutes with a good glazing of Padma's vindaloo.
Category 3: Mrs. Deen is chock full of personality, Southern hospitality and cellulite, but my professors at the Columbia School of Journalism never said it was going to be a picnic, so I spread out the checkered tablecloth and got to work.
Recipe of the Day: Mutton.
A picnic in the backyard under a sugar magnolia was the scene of this foodie foray. Paula Deen took one look at me, licked her wrinkled lips, and said, "Is that a Smithfield ham in your pocket or has my son Bobby been busy fluffin' y'all?"
That's when I whipped out my 14 inch Kosher salami, we cut it up and put it on crackers and arranged it on a tray with some Low Country pecan encrusted cheese balls. Then I pulled out my cock, Paula gave herself an egg wash, dredged herself liberally with seasoned bread crumbs, got down on her hands and knees, and presented her bountiful bottom to me with a cackle and a drizzle of white truffle oil.
Three minutes later, Paula swiveled her head around and looked at me over her shoulder, every thrust of my hips caused the folds in her neck to vibrate violently as if Rocky were pounding her midsection like a frozen side of beef, "Hey y'all, you can't churn butter with a toothpick, sweetie, you gonna be down thar til sundown!"
1. Nigella Lawson
Category ?: Yummy.
Recipe of the Day: Scrumptious English Crumpet
I met Ms. Lawson during a book signing tour. I was out promoting my N.Y. Times bestseller, Sorcerer Stoned, she was selling some kind of cook book, I think. Honestly, I did not have a clue who she was. I introduced myself and she showed me the proper English way to kneed a yeast dough to produce a delectable muffin. She showed me under the table, amid stacks of books, as she continually signed her autograph, with a crowd of at least a hundred watching, while I struggled to maintain control, until I doubled in size from all the leavening, before finally collapsing like a roughly handled souffle. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she secretly gave me a handy under a table in the Barnes and Noble at Union Square.