Monday, June 21, 2010

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks

Sports is the only thing I consistently watch on TV with the following two exceptions, The Family Guy and The Simpsons. I want to like soccer. I want to fill the empty void in my life with hours and hours of enjoyable games. Unfortunately, FIFA football sucks.

1. Diving

There is nothing that will make a red-blooded American switch channels quicker than watching a hairy little Italian pussy grab his shin and roll around on the ground as if Tonya Harding had just gilloolyed his ass -- only to discover that the wussy SOB faked it.

Then the stupid referee red cards the Third World defender and the underdog team that you have been rooting for has to play with only 10 guys. Italy, being a vastly superior team, now with an extra player, then overwhelms its opponent and wins the game 1-0.

Watching a supposed athlete fake an injury is embarassing to an American. Nancy Kerrigan, (an actual woman as opposed to a hairy little Italian man acting like a rich bitch from the 1920's) actually gets hit in the shin with a crow bar and than competes in the Olympics. A soccer player almost gets kicked in the leg and he falls faster than Italy in World War II. Leave it to the Italians to excel in a game that covets cowardice.

2. Ties

The only ties in sports should be around the necks of the former players that are announcing the game. Nil to nil is not a score, it's a snoozefest. An American would rather lose while fighting hard than safely tie an opponent for a strategical advantage later on in the tournament.

3. Thousands of Meaningless Passes

Actual quote I heard during a game yesterday after Brazil passed it 37 times in a row before the ball bounced harmlessly off a guy's foot out of bounds.

"Blimey Trevor, I was lucky enough to call the game back in '96 when the Argentines scored the historic 67 pass goal and I thought I was about to see one even better. All for naught, I'm afraid. Beautiful game, indeed."

Basketball used to have hundreds of meaningless passes and endless dribbling until someone with a brain realized it was more more fun to watch a guy actually try to score. Twenty-four second clock. There has to be one clock in South Africa with a second hand. Find it. Use it.

4. Players With Arms Like 5 Year Old Girls

I know they use their legs 99% of the time but would it kill them to hit the weight room once a month? Most of these guys would lose an arm wrestling match with Paris Hilton!

And there is this thing called a "throw in" that requires the use of arms. I would say that they throw like 6 year old girls but that would be an insult to all 6-year old girls. Also, wouldn't the additional body mass provided by actual biceps or shoulders be useful in those battles for a header in front of the goal?

Americans don't like watching highly-paid athletes they can beat up.

A Few Things I like About the World Cup

1. No Commercials!

Don't you foreigners buy beer and cars? I've lost five pounds because I can't get up off the couch every five minutes to visit the fridge. Of course the joke is on me, so little happens during a game that I could go in the kitchen and prepare a three course meal and all I would miss is 800 passes, 12 fake injuries and a near miss.

2. One Game at a Time

If I actually cared about the World Cup, I could actually watch every game on American TV. During NCAA March Madness, I can't do this. I can't even do it during the baseball playoffs.

3. Should Be Called Football
Soccer players use their feet a lot more than American football players. We should start calling soccer football and come up with a better name for our football. I have a few suggestions:

More World Cup Soccer Suckage

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks -- 4 Years Later - More or less this bit slightly updated for 2014

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks - Final 2014 Update - Why I gave up on World Cup Brazil 2014 after only one game.


  1. Ties
    -Ties are only allowed in the group stage of the World Cup (in which the objective is to accumulate points, not wins)
    Thousands of Meaningless Passes
    -Part of the game
    Players With Arms Like 5 Year Old Girls
    No Commercials!
    -You WANT commercials?
    One Game at a Time
    -Don't see anything wrong there
    Should Be Called Football
    -The game IS called FOOTBALL, specifically Association Football, officially it is called "soccer" in the US and Canada only. Also football is the most common sport in the world. I mean why not call American Football "Handegg"?

  2. Bobby,

    Wrong again. Today's games are purposely scheduled at the same time so that the sleazy bastards don't manipulate the score of their games to enable specific teams to advance from their groups.

    This post reminds me of a state dinner Nixon hosted for the Italian Prime Minister Emilio Colombo back in 1971. I remember enjoying a delicious filet mignon and "hooking up," as the kids call it today, with Anna Maria Alberghetti in the Lincoln Bedroom, between the Secondo and the Formaggio e Frutta.

    Over digestivos Nixon told this little beauty. How does an Italian soldier get a green beret? He mugs a girl scout!!!

    Damn funny joke when told at the appropriate time.


  3. Dear Anonymous,

    Thanks for the informative comment.

    However, in the future, perhaps you should actually read a post more carefully before commenting. No commercials, 1 game at a time and calling it football were things I LIKED about the World Cup. Therefore, I believe that you and I more or less agree that the World Cup sucks.


  4. Have you ever actually watched soccer before this year? This is the dumbest article I've read in quite some time. It's no wonder people laugh at the ignorance of Americans.

  5. Bill,

    Thanks for the comment!

    Me wrong. You right. Leave it to the Italians to manipulate the score of their game to allow the Germans to invade Sardinia.

    Your comment reminds me of a joke Father O'Reilly used to like to tell in the bus after we lost another CYO basketball game.

    Why do they wipe dogshit on the walls of the church during Italian weddings? To keep the flies off the bride.

    Father O'Reilly was a mean, hate-filled, often-drunk, Irishman but at least he never hit on me.


  6. Adam,

    Thanks for the comment!

    I have watched soccer before. A couple of years ago I watched a crazed French/Algerian headbutt a cheatin little Italian guy for taking so many dives.

    Admit it, Greg Louganis would be a great striker on the Italian team.


  7. Bobby,

    Reminds me of this joke Nixon once pulled on John Volpe. Volpe was the only Italian-American in the cabinet. Nixon made him Secretary of Transportation because, in his words, those greasy eye-ties know a lot about cement.

    We were tallying our scores after the front 9 and Nixon shows Volpe the back of his scorecard and says, "You know what that is, don't cha? It's a list of Italian War heros."

    Volpe shot about 30 over par the rest of the way.


  8. Very Valid Points. But you forgot about the bitchy soap operas, in fighting, blame game and crazy fans.

    The hot fans rock too.

  9. Alpha Za,

    Thanks for the comment!

    I know about those hot fans from the internet but the US telecasts have been disappointing.

    I watched a lot of two Brazil games and only spotted 1 hottie.


  10. Americans see Italians as pussies, but let me ask you a question. Why are there so many faggots in the US? It is in your blood to be a pussy.

  11. Dear Anon,

    That's pretty tough talk coming from a pussy.

    We don't like the f-word here so in the future you will have to do your gay-bashing somewhere else.

    Thanks for your comment.