Why World Cup Soccer Sucks -- 4 Years Later

Sports is the only thing I consistently watch on TV with the following two exceptions, Game of Thrones and Orphan Black. I want to like soccer. I want to fill the empty void in my life with hours and hours of enjoyable games. Unfortunately, FIFA football sucks.  This is a barely updated version of a post first posted in 2010.

1. Diving and Flopping

There is nothing that will make a red-blooded American switch channels quicker than watching a hairy little Italian pussy grab his shin and roll around on the ground as if Tonya Harding had just gilloolyed his shin -- only to discover that the PUSSY faked it.

Then the stupid referee red cards the Third World defender and the underdog team that you have been rooting for has to play with only 10 guys. Italy, being a vastly superior team, now with an extra player,  overwhelms its opponent with a barrage of shots (one) and wins the game 1-0.

Watching a supposed athlete fake an injury is embarrassing to an American. Nancy Kerrigan, (an actual woman as opposed to a hairy little Italian man acting like a female genitalia) actually gets hit in the shin with a crow bar and than competes in the Olympics. A soccer player almost gets kicked in the leg and he falls faster than Italy in World War II.  Leave it to the Italians to excel in a game that covets cowardice.

2. Ties

The only ties in sports should be around the necks of the former players that are announcing the game. Nil to nil is not a score, it's a snooze fest. An American would rather lose while fighting hard than safely tie an opponent for a strategical advantage later on in the tournament.

3. Thousands of Meaningless Passes

Actual quote I heard during a game yesterday after Brazil passed it 37 times in a row before the ball bounced harmlessly off a guy's foot out of bounds.

"Blimey Trevor, I was lucky enough to call the game back in '96 when the Argentines scored the historic 67 pass goal and I thought I was about to see one even better. All for naught, I'm afraid. Beautiful game, indeed."

Basketball used to have hundreds of meaningless passes and endless dribbling until someone with a brain realized it was more more fun to watch a guy actually try to score. Twenty-four second clock. There has to be one clock in Brazil with a second hand. Find it. Use it. Fun will happen.

4. Players With Arms Like 5 Year Old Girls

I know they use their legs 99% of the time but would it kill them to hit the weight room once a month? Most of these guys would lose an arm wrestling match with Paris Hilton!

And there is this thing called a "throw in" that requires the use of arms. I would say that they throw like 6 year old girls but that would be an insult to all 6-year old girls. Also, wouldn't the additional body mass provided by actual biceps or shoulders be useful in those battles for a header in front of the goal?

Americans don't like watching highly-paid athletes they can beat up.

A Few Things I like About the World Cup

1. No Commercials!

Don't you foreigners buy beer and cars? I've lost five pounds because I can't get up off the couch every five minutes to visit the fridge. Of course the joke is on me, so little happens during a game that I could go in the kitchen and prepare a three course meal and all I would miss is 800 passes, 12 fake injuries and a near miss.

2. One Game at a Time

If I actually cared about the World Cup, I could actually watch every game on American TV. During NCAA March Madness, I can't do this. I can't even do it during the baseball playoffs.

3. Should Be Called Football

Soccer players use their feet a lot more than American football players. We should start calling soccer football and come up with a better name for our football. I have a few suggestions:

Handball -- too much like pocket pool.
ReallyBigThighBall -- too racist.
Smashball -- too painfully suggestive.

Penaltyball -- too accurate.

GroundPossessionBall -- Are you ready for some GroundPossessionBall?