Wednesday, June 4, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/4/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian Kayne West wedding kiss golden toilet shower tower
A golden toilet tower, Kanye West sawing the bar in half and a 45 minute speech: New report claims to have the inside scoop on Kim Kardashian's wedding
My Comment:   Nowadays no wedding is complete without a golden toilet shower.  There's a typo in your headline DM!  Twas a beautiful ceremony tho a bit damp - R. Kelly

Never thought I'd see Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin photobombing a wedding picture by sneaking some champagne from a golden toilet, but I don't get out much.

Khloe Kardashian and Kendall Jenner frock up in dresses made in Australia
My Comment:  Photoshop!  Photoshop!  Where's my photoshop?  Khloe looks like a sparkly pile of concrete rubble.

"I'm not paying you editors at The Daily Mail to publish ugly photos of me!" snarled Khloe Kardashian as she stormed into my cubicle.

"How's this Ms. Kardashian?"

Khloe Kardashian Kendall Jenner after photoshop funny

"Slammin.  Wanna do some coke, fuck, then maybe get married?" purred Khloe Kardashian as she threw me to the floor of my cubicle and pulled out a video camera.

"No thank you, Ms. Kardashian. I'd just like to get up now," I said.

That's when she hit me in the head with her Proenza Schouler neon yellow handbag ($1,695, Barneys New York).

I awoke the next morning with herpes, a wedding ring and a three year deal with E! Network. 

 Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Tiger Woods young kid playing golf funny
'Tiny Tiger' Xavier Good can hit a golf ball 40 yards
My Comment: The average par 3 in America is over 200 yards so 40 is not going to get you on the green in two. I would crush this kid. I realize that golf might be different in England, but seriously.  Rating ▼46

fat German tourist sunbathing nude funny
Plane nearly lands on German sunbather as pilot flies dangerously low over beach
My Comment:  Germans love to sunbath. I'm surprised he wasn't naked.  Rating ▼6

I was going to go with "Germans love to sunbathe nude. I'm surprised he wasn't showing off his wienerschnitzel," but was scared off by the censors.  I'm going to try it now and see what happens. Update: Wienerschnitzel was a no go.  Too provocative.

Selena GOmez selfie cute funny
Selena Gomez visits Nepal as she focuses on 'spiritual growth' after split from Justin Bieber... while her grandparents open up about the troubled relationship
My Comment: It's probably nice for Selena being around kids that don't want to take a selfie with her. That one boy couldn't look less interested. Doesn't he watch the Disney Channel hour after hour, every day, until his brain turns to mush?  Rating ▲15

Selena Gomez gives me "spiritual growth," in my PANTS!

Kim Kardashian leather hot
Kim Kardashian gives Paris another 'Eiffel' as she squeezes into buttoned-down leather ensemble for ANOTHER visit to tower
My Comment:   An Eiffel? Kim Kardashian is giving the men of Paris a crepe -- a floppy, soft, pancake. Have you seen what French women look like?  Fat they ain't.  Rating ▼1

Eiffel is DM's clever euphemism for erection.  Clever like my Selena Gomez spiritual growth gag.   I guarantee Kim is not causing the erection of towers all over Paris.  If she could just eat a few less crepes?  We'll never know. 

You're skeptical.  I can tell. Here's a to-scale photo of Kim Kardashian and a typical French woman.

Kim Kardashian no photoshop funny

I know what you're thinking, "You're not being fair, Kim looked much better as a blonde."  Here you go, Eva Green and Kim as blondes.

Kim Kardashian blonde photoshop funny

I know what you're thinking, "That's not a typical French woman, that's a famous French woman named Eva Green that started acting on the stage, speaks three languages and has been in lots of movies.  All Kim has ever done is perform oral sex on a no longer famous rapper."

You got me there.  Eva still looks way better.

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