Tuesday, June 24, 2014

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/24/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

whales, rainbows unicorns and hearts

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Lindsey Lohan skank funny
Lindsay Lohan shows off her legs in thigh high boots as she once again hits Chiltern Firehouse
My Comment:  Lindsey Lohan goes to the Chiltern Firehouse so much, there has to be a fine layer of herpes and gonorrhea covering every flat surface in the place.  The health inspector should shut it down for a good hosing off.

Let's just be thankful that none of her ugly tattoos are visible.  Girl has more bad ink than an Algerian midfielder.

Jessica Alba nipple oops right boob hot
Jessica Alba hints one day she could go NUDE for a movie... as she shows off cute summer outfit on morning show 
My Comment:   Jessica better go nude soon, she's not getting any younger --  and it seems from that side photo that her talent is beginning to sag.

The Daily Mail highlights one of the two reasons to write a story about Jessica Alba.

corporate barbie getting down and dirty with bendable knees funny
Meet Entrepreneur Barbie! New doll comes armed with tiny tablet and smartphone to break the plastic ceiling
My Comment:  Barbie isn't going anywhere in corporate America looking like that if she can't bend her knees.

My bad.  Looks like Corporate Barbie is willing to go to any length to nail that promotion.  Cellphone, colorful graphs and articulated appendages.

Bootylicious Office star Mindy Kaling turns heads in figure-hugging dress as she heads into event in New York 
My Comment:  Mindy has the same butt as Kim without photoshop.  If Mindy ever decides that writing and acting are too much work, she can just buy photoshop and blow a wrapper.

I really thought that by cleverly juxtaposing rapper with wrapper I would get this comment through.  Damn you, Daily Mail and your highly paid censors. 

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Uglier Britney Spears or Kelly Osbourne?
Kelly Osbourne shows off impressively pert derriere in a thong as she poses in racy Instagram shot
My Comment:   Kelly Osbourne makes Britney Spears look good. Now, that's impressive!  Rating ▲2

Because a horrific Britney Spears photo was featured in the article just before the Kelly Osbourne article.  And "pert' and Kelly Osbourne are impressively, mutually exclusive.

Both of these photos have a lot going on but I'll focus on the Kelly Osbourne one.  Who is that guy/gal with the flowers?  I think it's what Hollywood calls a butt wrangler.  Does anybody know how someone becomes a butt wrangler?  I really need a career change. Do I have to go to USC Film School or can I perfect my craft on lesser celebrities until, after years of working in the trenches, I can wrangle some Osbourne booty?

Photographer Ahab pursues white whale 14 years photo looks gray funny
Australian photographer captures Migaloo the elusive white whale in full flight
My Comment:  That whale looks gray in the photo. Disappointing.  Rating ▼169

I'm sorry. That looks like a gray whale.  It's because of the shadows.  The photographer should have asked the whale to jump the other way, with his back to the sky.  Imagine waiting 14 years and getting it wrong?

At least Ahab got to kill Moby Dick (I'm assuming, because I never finished that book and it would be a stupid book if Ahab didn't get to kill the white whale at the end of the book). 

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