Friday, March 5, 2010

The Ball-Busting Beauties of Conservatism

Mr. Brian Morehead
Senior Youth Coordinator
Young Republicans for Freedom

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you because I have a major problem. I am 17 and I think I'm a good conservative. I have attached a photo of my bedroom. You can see that I have decorated it exactly like Bill O'Reilly told us to in his O'Reilly's Factor for Kids Survival Guide.

At the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, you guys were handing out these really big posters of Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter. The nice young women told me that I should hang them up on the wall of my bedroom or office. Then she said I should imagine that I'm married to a conservative lady that looks just like Mrs. Palin or Mrs. Coulter. I shouldn't pretend that I'm actually married to them because Jesus says you shouldn't covet your neighbor's wife.

I always pick Mrs. Palin because she's hot and Mrs. Coulter is so skinny I'm afraid I might hurt her if I try to do sex with her. Then I imagine that the lady that looks like Mrs. Palin and I are in bed and we are trying to make a Christian baby. Usually, another lady that looks like Mrs. Coulter is sitting in my desk chair watching us, while she examines herself for feminine problems.

Then the weird stuff always happens. Mrs. Palin's identical twin sister starts moaning about making the baby "Now!" and then President Ronald Reagan shows up and he's naked. I push the nice lady away, President Reagan teabags me and I splooge into his Brill Creamed coiff. Finally, President Reagan bangs both the broads, steals my wallet and gives my mother an abortion.

Does this mean I'm a liberal?


Lance Straightntrue

Dear Lance,

Please don't worry. You are still a fine upstanding conservative. Your episodes are caused by Borrack the Muslim and the Jews.

However, if you don't seek help from your local minister soon, you may become a Lincoln Log Conservative. "Lincoln Loggers" are conservatives but not very good ones. I have included a photo of Ann Coulter signing her poster to use as cannon fodder. Please try to imagine her fine ass whenever President Ronald Reagan's ass interrupts your imaginary baby making.

Stay the course, Lance. We are planning on releasing an Elisabeth Hasselbeck poster in the near future.

United for a Stronger America,

Brian Morehead
Senior Youth Advisor


  1. Bobby,

    That's sacriledge, Bobby Boy. Can't make fun of the future 50 dollar man. There might yet be a place for you down here. I hope so.

    I'm playing with the President later this morning because that dope Halderman scheduled a conjugal visit during out tee time. I'm going to show him this even though it will require a lengthy explanation.

    I've got both posters -- and they are BIG! I'm using the Ann Coulter to cover up the escape tunnel I'm digging.


  2. Bill,

    Thanks for the comment!

    Those posters are so big... HOWBIGARETHEY? Those posters are so big, you're going to be able to drive a Suburban through that tunnel!


    What do you do with the Sarah Palin poster?


  3. Bobby,

    Those posters are so big... howbigRthey?

    Those posters are so big, Godzilla could use them!

    Interesting hell trivia, Godzilla is not down here but Mothra is. An incident with Japanese twins is the rumor but Mothra pleads the fifth.

    Like every real Republican would, I'm using the Sarah Palin poster as toilet paper. It's going to be at least a year's supply. I'm slowly working my way up to her shit-eating grin.


  4. Bill,

    Thanks for the comment!

    Sarah Palin's smile is so big... howbigISit?

    Sarah Palin's smile is so big, that when she was a girl her smile cracked her skull, her brains drained out on to the floor, and that's why she is so stupid.

    That's why I seldom smile.