Senior Youth Coordinator
Young Republicans for Freedom
I am writing to you because I have a major problem. I am 17 and I think I'm a good conservative. I have attached a photo of my bedroom. You can see that I have decorated it exactly like Bill O'Reilly told us to in his O'Reilly's Factor for Kids Survival Guide.
At the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, you guys were handing out these really big posters of Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter. The nice young women told me that I should hang them up on the wall of my bedroom or office. Then she said I should imagine that I'm married to a conservative lady that looks just like Mrs. Palin or Mrs. Coulter. I shouldn't pretend that I'm actually married to them because Jesus says you shouldn't covet your neighbor's wife.
I always pick Mrs. Palin because she's hot and Mrs. Coulter is so skinny I'm afraid I might hurt her if I try to do sex with her. Then I imagine that the lady that looks like Mrs. Palin and I are in bed and we are trying to make a Christian baby. Usually, another lady that looks like Mrs. Coulter is sitting in my desk chair watching us, while she examines herself for feminine problems.
Then the weird stuff always happens. Mrs. Palin's identical twin sister starts moaning about making the baby "Now!" and then President Ronald Reagan shows up and he's naked. I push the nice lady away, President Reagan teabags me and I splooge into his Brill Creamed coiff. Finally, President Reagan bangs both the broads, steals my wallet and gives my mother an abortion.
Does this mean I'm a liberal?
Please don't worry. You are still a fine upstanding conservative. Your episodes are caused by Borrack the Muslim and the Jews.
However, if you don't seek help from your local minister soon, you may become a Lincoln Log Conservative. "Lincoln Loggers" are conservatives but not very good ones. I have included a photo of Ann Coulter signing her poster to use as cannon fodder. Please try to imagine her fine ass whenever President Ronald Reagan's ass interrupts your imaginary baby making.
Stay the course, Lance. We are planning on releasing an Elisabeth Hasselbeck poster in the near future.
United for a Stronger America,
Senior Youth Advisor