Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My Boss Thinks He's God or Rain, Rain Go Away

Rainiest March, ever. In New York City, it has been raining. Not your run of the mill rain. Rain of biblical proportions. Flooding. Power outages. Bronx River Parkway closed. I'm talking significant inconvenience.

But just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, God showed up. He told me to build an ark 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits. I told Him that Noah Shapiro worked three cubicles down near the Women's Room -- which would be a primo spot if we had a few decent looking women working here which we don't.

God said watch that talk, He doesn't need another EEO incident and that I was the point person on this. I told Him I had a lot on my plate, could I get some overtime. He said no overtime, but give it top priority, goofing off on my blog would have to wait. I said what about my weekly progress report that was due every Monday whether or not there was any progress? He said shut up and listen -- and He said it very loudly.

I took notes on a yellow sticky pad: 1- build ark 2- gather pairs of every animal 3- prepare for a long journey with lots of mouths to feed 4- humans will need to procreate so find a mating pair or a suitable mate for myself.

I ask when it needs to be done. He says ASAP. I say ASAP? What kind of crap is that? Fiscal year ends in June, I don't have a budget in place. The best I can do is a feasibility report by September 30th. God says He'll shove the report up my ass, just get it done -- but HR gave a talk last month about how all deadlines should have hard and fast dates that are reasonable.

I know what you're thinking. Monday's suck. But there is an upside. The big Dope didn't leave a paper trail. No e-mails, no voice mails, just a lot of yelling. And wouldn't you know it, I wrote sloppy because I was stressed and then I misplaced the sticky pad.

I know the drill. What seems important to the big shots gets forgotten when the newest crisis bites them in the Holy Ass. I'll do just enough to pad my weekly status report and get a bullet or maybe two in the departmental monthly.

So now I have to build an ark of some reasonable dimension, gather a boatload of animals and a mating pair of humans. Or do I?

A pair of every animal? That's crazy talk. I only have three pairs of shoes ferChristsakes, work shoes, running shoes and basketball shoes, and I get by. What is this Guy? The Imelda Marcos of animals? He must have meant a pair of my favorite animal, I'm thinking golden retrievers, female so I don't have to deal with puppies.

A mating pair of humans... Shitno, I'm not traveling with a mating pair of humans. "Honey, my temperature is up today, do me now but I have a skype with my sister in Germany at 10 so please keep quiet."

Lots of mouths to feed? This has to be one of those management class bullshit things He learned about in one of those training classes He always gets to go to while I cover for Him. I'll display initiative. My yearly review included this gem in the section on Needs to Improve: Bob should proactively display initiative instead of always reacting retroactively to critical situations.

I figured I'd show Him proactive so I got a ticket on this weekend's Carnival Cruise Line Bahamas Getaway -- all the food is included, booze, too. Instead of Golden Retrievers (too big) I got two land snails at WalMart.com. They are going to arrive by overnight tomorrow morning.

I'm as golden as a retriever. The whole ordeal took ten minutes and now I can just pretend to be busy until Friday. Mating pair of humans? If God is going to bust my chops about that, I'll score me a tipsy MILF whose husband has abandoned her for the casino.

Looks like it's Annie Oakley Night on the Fiesta Deck! I don't think I'll have any problem restablishing our species with this bunch.

Life is good.


  1. Bobby,

    There's a funny bit there somewhere, you just didn't find it. Or maybe Bill Cosby did it 100 years ago.

    It would be nice if it rained down here. Real, wet rain, not flaming brimstone. I never had dry skin topside. Down here I'm an itchy, flaking mess.

    When you finally visit do me a favor, bring some Eucerin and a box of tic tacs. My throat is so dry...


  2. Bill,

    Thanks for the comment!

    Agreed. This bit definitely would have benefited from being thrown out into the room for abuse adn feedback.

    Sadly, those days are gone.

    Your throat is so dry, howdryISit?

    Your throat is so dry that when you perform cunnilingus on Barbara Bush's snatch it seems moist and supple.


  3. Bobby,

    Moist and supple? Dusty and brittle, no matter how long I'm down here.

    Speaking of moist and supple, I'd wouldn't mind saddling up the filly with the brown mane done up in braids. She has massive amounts of pasture land...


    My throat is so dry that an extremely well-prepared extra dry martini tastes like a Grape Fanta.

    Sometimes hell is hell.


  4. Bill,

    Your throat is so dry, howdryisit?

    Your throat is so dry that when you deepthroat Richard Nixon he calls you his little belt sander!

    I would glad procreate with any of these cowgirls.


  5. Bobby,

    I forgot to demean the title. A title should succinctly describe the contents of the post. This title sucks the big one.

    Deepthroating Dick Nixon? That works on so many levels. Bravo!

    I've actually seen Dick's dick in the locker room at the club many times. Dick Nixon's dick is so small, howSMALLisit?

    Dick Nixon's dick is so small, you can totally understand why he became a megalomaniac.


  6. Bill,

    Agreed. I should have spent more than no seconds coming up with that title.

    Richard Nixon's dick is so small, howsmallisit?

    Richard Nixon's dick is so small that when he gets to bang Bristol Palin he has to use Ann Coulter's dick!


  7. Bobby,

    That's my line!!! And I used it to describe you! AND it makes no sense in this context. Under what conditions would Richard Nixon ever get to bang Bristol Palin? YOU STUPID FUCKTARD!!!

    You're a dolt and I expect a check for $50 for the use of MY joke.


  8. Bill,

    first - I like that line a lot.

    second - Jeffrey Ross wrote the original joke so I guess I'll have to buy him a few the next time I see him at the Friar's Club.

    Richard Nixon's dick is so small, howsmallisit?

    Richard Nixon's dick is so small that even after he FuckedUsAllintheAss for 4 years, most of the country didn't realize it!