Monday, February 1, 2010

The Tooth Fairy: A Movie So Horrific It May Require Multiple Posts

I go to about five movies a year. Last Friday I watched the Tooth Fairy.

Not a surprise, the movie was God-awful.

Now for a surprise. During a two hour comedy called the Tooth Fairy, in which there are dozens of fairies (including male fairies wearing satin and tutus), and where the word fairy is said 637 times, there was not one gay joke, gay allusion, or gay inuendo. Disney don't do gay. It's okay because any gay joke the writers came up with would have been not funny, not fun and probably offensive.

As a comedy actor, The Rock clearly prepares for each scene by bicep curling extremely heavy weights. The man's timing and comedy chops may stink but his arms are excellently scary!

This movie was bad in so many weighs. But let's discuss Ashley Judd. I felt so bad for Ms. Judd as she struggled with a part so underwhelming that I was embarassed for her. The next step down is a commercial for AT&T.

I got started thinking about all the varied movies I've enjoyed that starred Ashley Judd -- and I couldn't think of any. Damn, was the crap filling my eyes affecting my brain cells? When I got home and googled Ms. Judd, I discovered that I have never seen a single movie or television show that she has been in. I've never been collapsed on the couch and perused even a minute. I've seen her on Letterman and other lesser shows and that's it. Can she act? I dunno and the Tooth Fairy provided no clue.

It was the classic humorless role that every Disney comedy must provide for the female co-star. Usually, my favorite actress in the world, Cheryl Hines gets paid to suffer the indignity, or an endless supply of beautiful and overly-talented African-American actresses if Eddie Murphy is the star of the movie.

Walt Disney must have felt that Cheryl Hines was too old for The Rock. The man is dead and stupid! As God is my witness, if I'm ever in negotiations about a script, I will stipulate that Ms. Hines must get a part and I will supply her with funny stuff to do and say. Amen.

Speaking of God, Julie Andrews portrayed the God-like Queen of the Fairies. That's a photo of her from Mary Poppins, filmed 74 years ago next month.

Now, I realize that Ms. Andrews is 92 but plastic surgery has left her eyes scarier than The Rock's arms. I was worried that an over-the-top comic take might cause the sutures to pop and that her real face might unroll onto the screen like a 92 year old scrotum.

Didn't happen.

Next post I will discuss the The Rock and the hockey in the movie. I played a lot of hockey growing up. I got some real ice cred, played against Gordie Howe when he was older than Julie Andrews.
Samoans + hockey = a fantasy harder to believe than the tooth fairy.


  1. You only go to 5 movies a year and you chose Tooth Fairy to be one of them? "splain yourself, Lucy".

  2. A shroom and a half a bottle of prosecco = my typical Friday night.

    Plus, I do moonlight as a comedy writer so I can write it off as research.

    And stop calling me Lucy.

    Thanks for the comment!

  3. I remember a friend talking about the Tooth Fairy movie with the Rock in it a year ago. He told me that he watched a movie after a visit to his dentist in Colorado Springs. He said the movie doesn't fit the Rock's image. Well, we all used to know the Rock as the tough wrestler that he was back when he was still in the WWE.

  4. You're a were obviously not the intended demographic although based on your spelling and grammar skills I am guessing you might be a juvenile.

  5. Dear Anon,

    Ouch! Usually its my obsession with farts, breasts and poop that gets me called juvenile.

    You are right, I am not the intended audience. However, this movie is still a big pile of steaming poop.

    You can make a kid's movie that is as wonderful as Cheryl Hine's breasts but I don't think that The Rock can be cast as the funny guy no matter how many fart jokes you write for him.

    Thanks for your comment!