The Tooth Fairy: Last Post, Promise. The Hockey Ain't So Good, eh?

Growing up, I played a lot of pond hockey and street hockey.

Later on, I played a lot of the kind of hockey where you wear helmets, and shin guards, and shoulder pads, and gloves with Rhino Thumbs. Mostly, I played in rink leagues. In and around NYC, because ice time is so expensive, games could start at midnight, last two hours, then drinking would be required, then going to work. Going to work with bruises, and pulled hammies, and loose teeth. I don't play hockey anymore.

Your team name was the color of the cheap jersey they gave you. I was on Team Red, Team Gold, I remember Team Blue was a good team.

You didn't really know the names of the guys on your team except for maybe the two guys on your line and the best player on the team. The goalie was goalie. Everyone else was Guy. As in, "Hey Guy, howabout you stay onsides, eh? You're fuckinkillin us!"

I played with worn out varsity guys from Cornell and Colgate, French Canadian beer truck drivers with no teeth, an African-American from Central Islip, dozens and dozens of NYPD cops, a tough chick from Minnesota, and even Gordie Howe (he was probably 70 but when we went into a corner together, he raked me with his elbows, I went down, and he skated away with the puck). I've seen them all in nothing but jock straps and garters (except the girl, she changed at home).

I own a pair of cheap elbow pads lined with a quarter inch of dried blood. I know what a studio apartment smells like when every available piece of furniture is draped with sweat soaked pads, socks, and a 30 pound pair of armored pants from Finland.

I have asked grown men with 70's disco hockey mustaches to dance while two cement heads both rip off their full cage helmets so that they can punch each other in the face. "It's the right thing to do, eh?"

I've looked down at the blue line in order to stay onsides and woken up ten seconds later, flat on my back, teammates cheering because the guy that decked me got two minutes for interference.

Let's just say I've been around the rink a few times.

But in all my years of chasing a puck, I've never seen a Samoan play hockey. The only thing less believable than a 270-pound, steroid-induced tooth fairy is a Samoan playing hockey. If Eddie Murphy was the star of Tooth Fairy (and I heard from my agent he turned it down), it would have been more believable.

Paul Newman skated in Slapshot. Netflix it and bring the kids.

The Tooth Fairy: A Movie So Horrific It May Require Multiple Posts

I go to about five movies a year. Last Friday I watched the Tooth Fairy.

Not a surprise, the movie was God-awful.

Now for a surprise. During a two hour comedy called the Tooth Fairy, in which there are dozens of fairies (including male fairies wearing satin and tutus), and where the word fairy is said 637 times, there was not one gay joke, gay allusion, or gay inuendo. Disney don't do gay. It's okay because any gay joke the writers came up with would have been not funny, not fun and probably offensive.

As a comedy actor, The Rock clearly prepares for each scene by bicep curling extremely heavy weights. The man's timing and comedy chops may stink but his arms are excellently scary!

This movie was bad in so many weighs. But let's discuss Ashley Judd. I felt so bad for Ms. Judd as she struggled with a part so underwhelming that I was embarassed for her. The next step down is a commercial for AT&T.

I got started thinking about all the varied movies I've enjoyed that starred Ashley Judd -- and I couldn't think of any. Damn, was the crap filling my eyes affecting my brain cells? When I got home and googled Ms. Judd, I discovered that I have never seen a single movie or television show that she has been in. I've never been collapsed on the couch and perused even a minute. I've seen her on Letterman and other lesser shows and that's it. Can she act? I dunno and the Tooth Fairy provided no clue.

It was the classic humorless role that every Disney comedy must provide for the female co-star. Usually, my favorite actress in the world, Cheryl Hines gets paid to suffer the indignity, or an endless supply of beautiful and overly-talented African-American actresses if Eddie Murphy is the star of the movie.

Walt Disney must have felt that Cheryl Hines was too old for The Rock. The man is dead and stupid! As God is my witness, if I'm ever in negotiations about a script, I will stipulate that Ms. Hines must get a part and I will supply her with funny stuff to do and say. Amen.

Speaking of God, Julie Andrews portrayed the God-like Queen of the Fairies. That's a photo of her from Mary Poppins, filmed 74 years ago next month.


Now, I realize that Ms. Andrews is 92 but plastic surgery has left her eyes scarier than The Rock's arms. I was worried that an over-the-top comic take might cause the sutures to pop and that her real face might unroll onto the screen like a 92 year old scrotum.

Didn't happen.

Next post I will discuss the The Rock and the hockey in the movie. I played a lot of hockey growing up. I got some real ice cred, played against Gordie Howe when he was older than Julie Andrews.

Samoans + hockey = a fantasy harder to believe than the tooth fairy.