Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Maybe, and Warren Ellis

Isn't Maddie cute when she's mad?

Two plugs today. And curling. Lots of women's curling! This humble blog got over 2100 visitors yesterday (Editor's note: A normal day would be about 15 visitors). They came for one reason, the smoking hot babes of olympic curling, then they left immediately when they saw what this blog was really like.

The new US embassy to the Court of St James’s has been designed, says the US State Department, to "reflect the values of the American people"

That's a photo of the proposed American Embassy in London. This is a reminder why it is always worth visiting WarrenEllis.com. That was plug Number 1.

Now a reminder that you should never get your hopes up. The 'guy that knows the guy' got me the nude photo of the sexiest American athlete to ever curl my toes with a broom. Yes, its hot Nicole Joraanstad nude!


I didn't even have to photoshop a curling stone on it. How do we know that's Nicole Joraanstad? Damned if I know. The guy at http://oglympics.com/2010/02/16/women-of-curling-fire-on-ice/ seems to have spent a lot of time and effort identifying dozens of curlers in various stages of undress. He even has a couple of photos of Madeleine Dupont that I have seen nowhere else. That's plug Number 2.


I have never seen Nicole Joraanstad's back without a uniform on it but in interviews she claims to have a curling tattoo in the middle of it. For those of you that are not big curling fans, Nicole Joraanstad's front looks like this.

I have also never seen Nicole curl a stone but that's not from lack of trying. NBC won't show her because she is US Team's Number 2 and all her best work gets edited out of the telecast.

Moral of this story? Always check out the back of the calendar where they show you the little thumbnails of each month's photos BEFORE you buy it. Don't get me wrong. It's a great back with beautiful skin and inviting curves but could we have Nicole looking over her shoulder with smoldering eyes, please?

I turned on the olympics last night, flipped from NBC to CNBC to MSNBC, looking for my Team Denmark the Official Home of the Hot Dupont Sisters, and found nothing. A night of the olympics without Danish women's curling is a night without me. I got up off the couch and sat down at the computer.

Here's a photo of Denise and Maddie Dupont discussing the benefits of peeling versus setting a corner guard.

Other posts about women's curling:

Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics - Women's Curling, USA vs. Denmark

Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not! Where's My Curling NBC!?!

I was planning a very special evening. I had cold Tuborgs in the fridge, open-faced, liverwurst sandwiches on chewy rye bread and a nice hunk of havarti on the coffee table, a near Smörgåsbord or kolde bord as my new Danish girlfriends would call it.

I'm sitting on my couch, my broom in one hand, my remote in the other and...

figure dancing and hockey!

Where's the women's curling NBC!?! Where's the UK vs. my scrappy Team Denmark? Where's the Brit's hot skip, Eve Muirhead? Where are my Dupont sisters?


I opened a Turborg and told myself to calm down. Women of this quality are often late. They have pressing demands and NBC never shows anything live.

At 8:00, I flipped from NBC to CNBC to MSNBC. No Madeleine Dupont, no Denise, no nothing. I finally find something in these crap olympics that I like and NBC doesn't bother to show me a second of it. The liverwurst was slowly going crusty and dark, the harvarti was getting shiny and warm, and I was left with nothing but the Tuborgs.

Men's curling? Whothefuck watches men's curling? Women? I don't think so. The only curling these guys are doing off the ice are the 12 ounce variety. Are millions tuning in to see the actual gameplay and strategy? (Editor's note: That's a joke. There is no action in curling.) The only people on the planet Earth that watch men's curling are the team's parents.

Hot girl-on-girl curling action found only in women's curling is what we want to see. The key NBC, is the "wo" part.

No post about women's curling can be complete without mentioning America's own sexy Nicole Joraanstad (Editor's note: I can finally spell her last name without looking it up!).

And just a reminder that the appeal of these gorgeous women is that they are not models. They are athletes that care about more than blow and shoes. Here's Nicole Joraanstad with a trophy so impressively big, I feel compelled to put my own broom away in shame.

A Head's Up

Turns out that I work with a guy, that knows a guy with a brother-in-law, that spent a night at Rikers with a guy, that knows a guy that went to UofW, Madison with Nicole, and I think I may just have an exclusive real soon!

Other posts about women's curling:
Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Really.
Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics - Women's Curling, USA vs. Denmark

Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

When I first saw this image I said, "Vad har en 50-öring med en naken Madeleine Dupont att göra?!" Maddy! Say it ain't so! It couldn't be my sweet, innocent Madeleine Dupont, half of the hot, Dupont sisters of Team Denmark. You remember them. They turned me against my own country -- when they gave me all those come-hither looks over the big, rock in their hands.

All of you laughed when I told you that watching curling was a major turn on. Now the world has taken my advice and jumped on the Danish pastry cart.

So, is that really Madeleine (or maybe Denise) Dupont showing us a bit of her corner guard? Or is it a photoshopped pornoqueen?

Hurray! It is Madeleine Dupont, showing off her sweet, Danish treats to raise money for her curling team. To see what I've hidden under the curling stone, just google "madeleine dupont kalendar." Trust me, she's more delicious than a prune danish.

This got me thinking... if McDonalds, and Coke, and Budweiser, and AT&T, and the list goes on forever, didn't sponsor the U.S. Olympic Team, would our athletes have to pose nude to afford uniforms, and gloves, and other stuff?

More importantly, would I be able to buy a calendar with Nicole Joraanstad posing in nothing but a broom? Damn you, McDonalds!

Nicole Joraanstad could melt the ice in Antarctica. Look how cute she looks wearing culottes and shoes she stole from a pilgrim. Do you think it's an accident that the edge of that monitor is lodged snuggly in between her ass cheeks? It is not!

Quick Note - I must be smitten. I actually looked up the schedule for Team Denmark and their next match is today against the UK at 2 PM. My brother says that the English skip is 19 and easy on the eyes. NBC better not screw this up!

Other posts about women's curling:
Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Really.
Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics - Women's Curling, USA vs. Denmark

My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics, Vancouver 2010: Women's Curling - USA vs. Denmark

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.


Watching sports from my point of view is always a challenge. Female athletes tend to wear clothes that help them win and they usually move around a lot. Rarely are they splayed out on satin sheets dressed in Vicky's finest. Just the other night, I began fantasizing about an incredibly cute figure skater only to find out that she was twelve, 3 foot 8, and a boy.

Let's get one thing straight, the women of women's curling are women. They might not prepare for a match with long hours in a gym toning and shaping their bodies, but they definitely wear more makeup than a male figure skater.

And they have curves. These chicks are "off the broom!"

And because the actual sport provides no action whatsoever, there are a lot of close ups. I like close ups and I like these curling women. They tend to have serious triceps and significant junk in the trunk and that is alright by me. I've always been attracted to big sloppy women, I'll take Mariah Carey over Calista Flockhart every time.

So, with the knowledge that these woman are more likely to shop at Lane Bryant than the Junior Miss section at Sears, let the drooling begin.

That's Allison of the US team. I'd like to get my rocks off in her house! (Editor's note: That's funny because it contains two examples of curling jargon, rocks and house.) Unfortunately, Allison is what Garrison Keillor would call a chatterbox. The girl never shuts up. How many times can you say, "Yah, good play, yabetcha!" during a single curling match? Oh, about 57,000 times. She has a midwest accent that's thicker than cream on a cow (Editor's note: I stole that pearl from the Prairie Home Companion). That's when I noticed that the entire US team talked like the pregnant sheriff in Fargo. If it was Iron Chef, the producers would be forced to use subtitles. It's kind of annoying, actually.

Now, I understand why their husbands are all happily at home, back in Minnesota, painting wooden ducks while their wives are out peeling stones at the local rink. Sure these women are smoking, corn-fed hot and can curl your toes six ways on Sundays (Editor's note: I don't have a clue where that came from. All this pastoral goodness must be getting to me). Yah, and that sweeping skill must sure come in handy if you own a porch, which I am sure they all do, but how about a little more sliding and a little less yakking?

Before we move on to the Danes, let's reflect on this photo of US Team Number 2 Nicole Joraanstad. Are we done reflecting and have we cleaned off the keyboard? Regrettably for me, NBC never showed her during the telecast. She pushes her stones second so NBC cut all her best scenes out. Bad NBC!

I'm as American as a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial but I found myself pulling for Team Denmark. As far as I could tell they were the underdogs, didn't have a clue where to put their rocks (Editor's note: The announcers, two old sounding Fargo guys never agreed with their strategy and those guys seemed to know what they were talking about), and then they always "peeled it off the broom" which I think is a bad thing.

And Team Denmark had the Dupont sisters.

Denise and Madeleine Dupont look like the kind of girls you might find in a bus station in LA that want to be actresses and are willing to work really hard to make their dreams come true. That's a good look.

They also speak english like an American in a Chevy commercial. I wouldn't need an interpreter or subtitles. Yeah, okay, I'll say it. They're so hot I'm surprised the ice didn't melt! Yeah, I feel cheap and tawdry. It's a good feeling!

This is the part of the post we have all been dreading, the curling sexual euphemism part. You know, where I go:

I wish those sisters would pebble the stones... between my legs! or
I dropped my hammer on Denise's button and split 'em nicely! or
I sent a spinner to Maddie's tee line, went for the in-turn, and got the steal before she set her guard! or
How'd you like Denise's back house weight... in your face? or maybe
Maddie can come-around my corner guard... anyday!

Hmm, that's my entire load. I think we both were expecting more.

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Endnotes

NBC is even more American than a country singer in a Chevy truck commercial. When I went looking for photos of the Curling Cuties I started at NBColympics.com, the official 800 billion dollar website of the Vancouver 2010 games. These are the only photos of the Dupont sisters on the site. I guess they should consider themselves lucky that NBC bothered to scan their passport photos.

Go Denmark!

Other posts about women's curling:

Nicole Joraanstad Nude! Really.
Denise and Madeleine Dupont Nude, Not!
Hot Women of Curling - The Dupont Sisters of Team Denmark - Wearing Almost Nothing


Other posts by my dick:

My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing