My Dick Reviews Netflix's House of Cards

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

My Dick Reviews Netflix's House of Cards

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

All I want from a television show is a reason to pump my corpus cavernosum full of blood, I don't have to like any of the characters -- and I don't. When it comes to pumpage, House of Cards delivers like an ace in the hole.

But first you have to get past Robin Wright. I don't think I've seen her since Forest Gump. WhatTheFuckHappened?

When did she go from the Princess Bride to the Scary Queen of Icy Stares?

Who am I kidding, when did she get a sex change?

Phoebe Cates, when she was 22, could pull off that hairdo -- and she pulled off some other things and I pulled off quite a bit, too.

But when you're old and wrinkled, that hairdo is a challenge. When Robin Wright's character stares at you, you wither and shrivel up like the Wicked Witch's feet when Dorothy's house landed on her.

After watching the first couple of episodes, I felt compelled to go home to my mom's house. Get the photo of Anna Kendrick that I took back in 2009 at Comic Con and rub one out old skool into a sock.

As I flipped the sock to the floor, where my mom would some day collect it and throw it in the laundry, I realized why Up in the Air was not nearly as good as House of Cards.

Which brings us to Kate Mara. When we first meet her hardworking, new breed of journalist, she's unimpressive, and she actually has a job on a real newspaper which is surprising.

A hoodie and a pair of comfortable shoes might get George Zimmerman's blood flowing but not mine.

Then you start to notice little nuances about her.

And Kevin Spacey starts to notice things, too.

And then you realize that this girl will do anything for a story, kind of like Bill O'Reilly

And finally, in the greatest piece of acting Kevin Spacey has ever crafted, the old man eats her pussy while she's talking to her dad on the phone.

This is what is called a writer's fantasy. An old, wrinkled guy that looks soft and plump goes down on a really hot, young babe and gives her the best orgasm of her life -- forever making the young woman grateful and head over heels in love with the old guy. My corpus cavernoii are still aching from the change in pressure.

And now you know why Up in the Air will never be as good as House of Cards. George Clooney never went down on Anna Kendrick and never gave her a life-altering orgasm. He could have. Poor Anna was all vunerable and horny. Instead, he falls in love with the Robin Wright character and has his heart broken which I never bought into, not for one frickin moment.

So, on the standard Anna Kendrick Getting her Pussy Eaten Scale where 1 is Anna does not get her pussy eaten and 5 is me eating her pussy and forever changing her life and making her fall in love with me, I give House of Cards 2.5 Anna Kendricks.