Thursday, October 31, 2013

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 10/31/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

funny daily mail comments

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Lou Reed cool
Rock legend Lou Reed dead at 71: Music fans in mourning after The Velvet Underground founder and American icon passes away
My comment: Lou Reed was a genius back when a hairy chest and man boobs were sexy.  Heroin has gotten a bad rap.  It's pretty cool if you know what you're doing.

Emily Hartridge twerking bum
'Twerking would be meaningless without a bum!' Emily Hartridge demonstrates 'ten reasons why bottoms are awesome'
My comment:  Twerking would be meaningless without a bum, therefore Miley Cyrus is meaningless -- A. Einstein 

A lot of you youngsters think Miley Cyrus inventing twerking and that makes a lot of you youngsters wrong. Twerking has been around a long time and was culturally appropriated by Miley. 

Here's a rare photo from pre-war Berlin showing Albert Einstein twerking while sticking out his tongue. "Reparations! I want reparations!" -- A Einstein and a lot of other twerking Krauts. 

funny Albert Einstein twerking

Kim Kardashian childbirth giving birth
'The first thing I did was look at my vagina in the mirror, and it looks better than before.' Kim Kardashian claims 'childbirth is the easiest thing ever.'
My comment:  Of course childbirth was the easiest thing ever when you have a gaping chasm of a vagina.  You didn't feel a thing?  That's what Kayne says.  I'm sure a baby isn't the biggest thing that has passed through that portal of publicity.

Wow. Too many words to be accepted or to be funny.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Clint Eastwood wife NBA
The end of an era: Dina Eastwood files divorce papers to officially dissolve 17-year marriage to husband Clint Eastwood
My comment: Clint has fathered seven children with five different women? He should play in the NBA!  Rating ▲4

Sadly, good NBA jokes are lost on the Brits.

Tori Spelling husband poor
Tori Spelling reveals money troubles are so bad that her husband Dean can't even afford a VASECTOMY
My comment:  Her shoes in the 1st photo cost more than a vasectomy. Fact.  Rating ▲409

When I wrote it, I knew it would go green.  I also had no idea how much those shoes cost.  But for you, dear reader, I did some extensive research on the internet that took 5 minutes and found out those shoes cost $549.

Then I asked my guy and he says you can get a pretty good vasectomy for $350 cash but with Obamacare?  Covered.  So, for a $10 co-pay you can be shooting blanks.  Sweet.   I'm thinking of going in for a booster cut in preparation for a long winter of snuggling and snogging.

Tori: I know that you want to get a vasectomy so that our lovemaking can be more intimate but these shoes are so darling.

Dean (to himself): Damn, I guess I'll have to keep praying for crop failure after sowing my wild oats.

funny downton abbey
Millionaire's daughter is forced to apologise to villagers after throwing all-night 18th birthday party at family's stately home in Devon which could be heard THREE MILES away
My comment:  In the US, a millionaire's daughter never has to apologize -- she just gets her own reality TV show.  Rating ▲17

Kendra Wilkerson pregnant hot cheating
Pregnant Kendra Wilkinson accused of meeting up with ex-boyfriend NFL hunk Shawne Merriman behind husband Hank Baskett's back
My comment:  Good for Kendra! Maybe hubby does not appreciate her. Hooking up with pregnant women is always the best. They are gorgeous and full of raging hormones. Rating ▼15

Thank God nobody likes a pregnant chick that fucks around (except me).  This was my greenest week ever.  Remember I'm trying to get red arrows.  I suck worse than Kim Kardashian with a mouthful of broken glass.

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