When I'm sitting alone on my couch, there is nothing I like better than a good Women in Prison movie, except maybe, watching porn or telenovelas on the Spanish channels.
Women in Prison movies MUST contain the following to make me happy:
Must Have 1: Innocent Newbie - that just doesn't belong in prison.
The wrongly accused heroine that doesn't fit in. She should be attractive with big, puppy dog eyes. OITNB has a blonde yuppie named Piper that was cured of her lesbianism by Jason Biggs. Euwww!!!
If the most gorgeous woman in the world sleeps with Jason Biggs
If the Head Bitch In Charge gets her pal the Russian hit man to kill Jason Biggs while he's wearing a shirt and she stops having flashbacks to Jason Biggs being charming, she would be okay -- maybe one of the lipstick lesbians can give her some mascara and blue eyeshadow.
Must Have 2: Linda Blair - as innocent newbie.
Nope. She's not even a warden in a ridiculously short skirt.
Must Have 3: Head Bitch in Charge - to scare the innocent newbie and provide big boobs.
The Head Bitch in Charge is Red, a Russian cook with a bad back. I think she's the same actress that was the scary mom in Goonies that threatens to put Chunk's hand in a blender. Sadly, she's not so scary anymore.
Red apears to be a new kind of Head Bitch In Charge. Instead of hitting, whipping or forced pussy eating, she attempts to starve Piper. Starving can take a long time, especially when a prisoner can exchange sad looks for candy or hot peppers.
This Head Bitch In Charge sucks, and not literally.
Don't you dare fall asleep or these bad mothers are gonna tuck you in and kiss your forehead.
Must Have 4: Shower Scene - to provide gratuitous nudity.
Yes! A shower scene. But what's with the curtains? There are no shower curtains in prison. The first thing that every warden cuts from the budget when it's belt-tightening time is the shower curtains. Shower curtains prevent group showering! What kind of prison is this?
Prison showers should be one big, tiled room with lots of shower heads and even more naked women.
Must Have 5: The Gauntlet - to show that prison is not going to be all fun and crafts.
Again, there was The Gauntlet, but it was the worst The Gauntlet ever. The Gauntlet is supposed to make the innocent newbie feel helpless and exposed. This was one catcall and a big pillow to hug that hid her boobage and anxiety. I'm surprised she didn't have her favorite blanky and a Hello Kitty doll with a photo of Jason Biggs in a heart shaped necklace.
Walking through the mall entrance at Macys with those perfume chicks spritzing you with unwanted cologne is more of an ordeal.
Must Have 6: Big Butch Female Guards - self-explanatory.
There are no big, butch, female guards. The guards are three men that are the least butchy guards in the history of prisons.
The main guard, I'll call him Freddie Mercury, looks like he could be in a Village People tribute band that has a steady Tuesday night gig at a Ramada Motor Lodge in suburban Indiana. That's him on the right.
If Jason Biggs was visiting his fiance, he might feel threatened, but no woman would.
The second guard looks 14, and in keeping with my musical theme, would be the guy that sings the high, girly stuff in a boy band. He's the slightly fuzzy guy that looks like he was photoshopped on to an image of Big Time Rush.
Do you know which guy in a boy band should never be a prison guard? The member of the band that a 10 year old could imagine having her first kiss with. Even Jason Biggs wouldn't be threatened by this guy, in fact Jason might be tempted to wrap his significant man boobs around this guy, finish him off, and say thank you with a sweet kiss on the cheek and a Hello Kitty doll.
The third guard looks like Curly Joe from The Three Stooges. The good Curly couldn't even land a chick. This guy has no chance.
Must Have 7: Rapey Warden Pimp - because the Head Bitch In Charge is still just a bitch.
It's not clear who is in charge of this so-called prison. There is an old guy in a big office that wears a uniform that is so nice, it's creepy. He also hates lesbians every other minute so he might be the chaplin. He's kind of scary and has potential. I don't see him recruiting Piper into his secret, prisoner prostitute ring but he may make her sit in his lap. That would be hot.
So, on the standard Linda Blair Getting Ready to Go Roller Skating (because sadly, there is no image of Linda Blair getting psychically molested by Scott Baio on the internet) where 1 Linda Blair is the quality of Exorcist 2 and 5 Linda Blairs is Freaky Friday with me switching places with Rick James and spending the rest of my life with Linda Blair, I give Orange is the New Black 1 Linda Blairs (it's not zero because I wanted to see one version of Linda at 100% transparency).
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My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing