Throwback Thursday - My First Real Job

That's me on the left at my first real job at Teapot RW, Inc. in Bethpage, Long Island.

That's Ted.  He did what I did on the days I didn't go in, but with more zits.

Leonid "No Tweezers" Goronovich, scariest looking electrical engineer ever.

The boss, Lead Engineer Mr. Redd.  Smoked three packs of Lucky Strikes a day.  Smelt a bit but had a heart condition.

Next to Mr. Redd with his penis resting on the back of the young lady is Roger "The Dark Bishop" Hamantaschen.

He was called The Dark Bishop because he played computer chess everyday at lunch with a nerd at the University of Manchester.

The young lady is Mrs. Ingrid Matz.  Her father was Swedish, her mother was a ballet dancer and her husband treated her like crap.  Ingrid was the programmer.  She could do things in FORTRAN that would curl your toes and make your nipples ache til Sunday.  She was the first married lady I ever gerlandeprung.  I gerlandersprung her four times!  Only kidding, I gerlandersprung her i = i+1 times.

I was still just a senior at Half Hollow Hills High School East, but everyday after school, while my classmates were stealing buckets of pickles working the drive-thru at Wendy's then eating the pickles in the parking lot of Adventure's Inn, I was selling secrets to the Soviets.

I worked in the Systems Group maintaining a Sperry Rand UNIVAC 9700 that was like a hundred times faster than an IBM 370 E Series.  One day while pipelining the floating point after some unexpected subthreshold leakage I accidentally read a Top Secret printout detailing the CIA's program to spy on The Swedish Royal Ballet.

I was outraged.  What possible threat could The Swedish Royal Ballet pose to the United States?  I immediately showed the printout to Ingrid because I thought it would enable me to get her out of her peasant dress and get me into her panties.  It did.

Ingrid decided that we should sell information that was passing through our office to the Soviets so that we could save up enough money for her divorce and our subsequent honeymoon in Sochi, and teach the CIA that it shouldn't spy on the dancers of its closest allies.

It didn't take the CIA long to figure out that our office was the source of significant intelligence breaches.  The FBI broke down our doors and arrested Leonid "No Tweezers" Goronovich and The Dark Bishop.  I'm pretty sure the eyebrow was Leo's undoing and that terrible chess nickname came to haunt Roger Hamantaschen.  Those guys are still serving consecutive life sentences in a federal prison.

Ingrid and I stopped selling secrets.  She took all the money and ran off with Mr. Redd.  I graduated high school and went off to the State University of New York at Stony Brook, a little wiser and a little sore from all the gerlandersprunging.  I flunked out two years later.  Nobody cares what happened to Ted.

If you'd like to read more about this story, you can purchase my New York Times seller "Blinky and the Snowgirl" at Amazon. 

Or rent the movie starring a young Randy Quaid as The Dark Bishop and sexy Britt Eklund as Ingrid.

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