Thursday, March 3, 2011

Charlie Sheen is Bigger than Jesus

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On Wednesday, Charlie Sheen joined twitter. One day later he has one million followers. Those are Jesus Christ numbers! If he keeps acting psychotic and hate-filled on camera, in a year he'll have 365 million followers (I used to be good at math in school). You know that the old white men in the Vatican are shaking in their boots or slippers or Nikes or whatever they wear.

According to Google, there are five Jesus Christs with twitter accounts. This is an amazingly small number. Why there are at least six guys at my job that think they are Jesus Christ and one of them is an accountant.

These Jesus Christs have two things is common. First, they are pretty lazy. I would expect at least a tweet a day from Jesus. How hard can it be to quote yourself? Hell, Pat Robertson tweets twenty times a day and he's only God's second cousin on His mother's side. Second, they are all trying very hard to be funny. Jesus is known for a lot of things -- but a sense of humor? Not the funniest guy at the seder table I'm sure.

Let's review the work of all the Jesus Christs in an effort to determine who is the real Jesus amongst them. Let me clarify, there are five Jesus Christs on Twitter in english. God blessed America for a reason. I'm not sifting through all the Jesus Christs on Twitter in Aramaic.

In Reverse Order of Googality

Jesus H. Christ has only 1,904 followers and only eight tweets total from back in April of 2007.
Best Tweet - Solved that Sudoku. In case you were wondering.

Rating - Poser

King of the Jews has 16,881 followers but is following 15,640! Not a good ratio for the Son of God. One of the people He's following is a 15 year old kid from Ireland that only tweets about Taylor Swift.
Best Tweet - Welcoming Ronnie James Dio with open arms, man was that guy surprised to see me.

- Wannabe Jesus

Jesus Christ was propably first because he has the best name, Jesus Underscore Christ. I capitalized the underscore because above all I'm respectful. Unfortunately, He lists his home as Idaho and has only 8,806 followers.

Best Tweet - Jesus needs small indie girls to escort his reincarnation around Spokane.

Rating - Poser, but the next time I'm in Spokane, we gonna hang.

Jesus has 275,336 followers. Not Charlie Sheen numbers but not bad.

Best Tweet - I drive a Dodge Stratus.

Rating - Possible

Most popular according to google, Jesus M. Christ has 191,708 followers and is only following 40. But one of those 40 is Mr. Charlie Sheen.

And he's number 1 on Jesus' speed dial. Did I just hear the entire Vatican Council shudder? Jesus M. Christ is the funniest of all the Jesuses in a Jimmy Kimmel sort of way and seems to be in love with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers. Jesus is supposed to love everyone so maybe I'm just reading something into this.

Best Tweet - The people of Sodom and Gomorrah think Charlie Sheen has been a bit over the top.

Rating - Possible

Being only half-Christian, I can't tell which of the possible Jesuses is the real Jesus. If you're better qualified post a comment or send me an e-mail. All hate mail should be sent here.

Conservatively, if you add the two best Jesuses together, you're only talking a half a day of work for the out-of-work Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen bigger than Jesus? Yes.

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