Cut Off by a Lover of Jesus

Warning! The following post is a rant. It contains lots of f-words and is not funny.


This morning I was cut-off by an asshole with a Jesus fish on his car. I'm not talking about a slight, sorry but I didn't see you cut-off. I'm talking about a narrowly escaped a five car pileup I had to slam on my brakes so hard that now I'm going to have to replace them six months earlier kind of cut off.

Where the fuck does a good Christian have to go so badly at 5:40 AM that he's willing to risk my life?

Because if Jesus was driving that fucking Toyota minivan on the New York State Thruway at 5 fucking 40 in the morning, I think he may have used his left hand turn signal and waited for an appropriate time to change lanes-- regardless of his urgency. But what do I know? I'm not a fucking Born Again Christian.

Just in case I missed the subtle Jesus Fish, Mr. Turn the Other Cheek While I Ram my Toyota Sienna Up Your Ass had a hot pink bumper sticker proclaiming his love for Jesus for all the world to see. Thanks a lot Dickhead! Now, I know who to hate.

I'm glad you love Jesus. You know what I love? I love masturbating.

But I don't slap a fucking bumper sticker on the back of my car so I can feel better than you.

Look, God knows that I rarely honored my mother and father, I often covet my neighbor's wife and I love to take the Lord's name in vain -- but you know what I don't do? I don't risk another person's life because I'm late for fucking church.

Typos, National Lampoon and a Shameless Plug

I was just reading a bit that is posted over at the site, admiring my own cleverness and wit, when I found two typos. I hate typos. What pisses me off about these particular typos is that not only did I miss them, no fewer than two editors at National Lampoon missed them two. (I did that on purpose cause it's whacky).

I have this dislexic thing about your and you're. I know I have this problem. I've always had this problem. You would think that whenever I type these frickin' words I would be extra careful. You would be wrong.

The bit is called Eighteen Magazine's Guide to the Prom. It's memorable for a couple of reasons.

1. National Lampoon bought it even though it had been on UncleMelon.com for years and had been read by several dozen people. A couple of Benjamin Franklins for absolutely nothing, sweet.

2. I really, really like the photoshop job I did on that dandelion corsage. I especially like the two dangling flowers. Most of the stuff I do is crap but not always.

3. The loser with the pink cummerbund is Stuttering John Melendez from the old Howard Stern Show. Why did I use it? Because dogs can lick they're own balls. I got a thing about their, there, and they're, two.

Is Your Life Worth Living?

Everyday on my way to work I have to go over the Tappan Zee Bridge. And everyday I see that sign. And everyday it ticks me off. How the hell does the New York State Thruway Authority know if my life is worth living? They can't even fill a pot hole in a timely fashion.

Maybe my life isn't worth living. Maybe being stuck in God awful traffic because the New York State Thruway Authority doesn't bother to supervise the construction contractors it over pays has made my life a living hell.

The New York State Thruway Authority doesn't give a rat's ass if you off yourself. Just don't do it on their bridge. If the sign was truthful, like this version, I would have less daily agita.

Steve, from HudsonValleyEXXXposed.com, while too frightened to leave an actual comment, suggested this alternate sign during our 8:30 coffee break.