Glory Days -- Books I Writed Part X

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

John Cardinal O'Farrell and the Amazing Girl-to-Boy Serum, 1995 -- Deep beneath the Archdioceses of Greater Boston, in his secret laboratory, our hero, John Cardinal O'Farrell perfects his amazing serum -- despite the meddling antics of the evil, heterosexual government agent, Capt. Larry "The Lutheran" Lawrence.

 

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Spear, 1986 -- Sadly, my best selling book to date. Set during the idyllic summer of 1963, on the beautiful, unspoiled beaches of North Carolina' s outer banks, it's a rollicking celebration of the love of an octopus and her best boy.  No beavers were opened wide for this novel.

Commie Commie Bang Bang, 2003 -- When the KGB steals a magic car invented by Professor Caractacus Potts, Dick Van Dyke gets to work on his less than believable English accent and a Berwick Street strumpet/hooker named Truly Scrumptious.

Glory Days -- Books I Writed Part 9

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Dr. Hasbro and the First Barbie, 1991 -- The evil Dr. Hasbro kidnaps the first Barbie model from ace toy designer Matt Mattel and uses her to compensate for the inadequate size of his penis when he takes photos for his Facebook page.

Elaine! Benjamin Braddock Zombie Hunter, 2000 -- Recent college grad Benjamin spends his days lounging in his parent's pool and his nights fighting zombies. When he shows up uninvited at his true love's wedding, he's a mess.  Is it from running all the way from Beverly Hills to Santa Barbara or has the hunter become... a zombie?

Van Der Graaf Zap-ellin, 1990 -- Back when steam was what heated my fourth floor walk-up and punk was the guy Clint Eastwood had a problem with, I wrote this proto-cool story while high on three tablespoons of nutmeg and half a bottle of Aqua-Velva Blue. Tennis cutie Steffi travels the country in her tricked out van with Scott Baio and me and the always horny Ellen Barkin

Glory Days -- Books I Writed Part 8

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Beach Blanket Berlin!, 2001 -- Eric Von Zipper, the leader of the Malibu Rat Pack Biker Gang, joins the American Nazi Party, kidnaps all the guys and brings them to Berlin for a PR stunt that causes quite a führer.

Congressional Blonde, 1994 -- Elle Woods wants her chihuahua, Bruiser, to reunite with his mother, because she would like Bruiser's mom to attend Elle and Emmett's wedding. Elle hires a detective to find Bruiser's mother, only to discover that the company that has her dog's mother is a cosmetics company that uses Bruiser's mother for cosmetic testing. She finds out that her law firm represents the C'est Magnifique Corporation. Elle decides to leave Boston, where she and Bruiser have settled with her fiancé Emmett, and go to Wahington, DC to work on Bruiser's Bill. Elle is upset that her dog's mother is in a make-up testing laboratory, and decides to take it upon herself to be the "voice for those who can't speak" and to outlaw animal testing. While working for Congresswoman Victoria Rudd, Elle is met with skepticism and other barriers common to Washington politics. Rudd's member of staff, Timothy, sarcastically calls her "Capitol Barbie." After a variety of ups and downs including a failed attempt to improve her work environment by having her co-workers write compliments about one another and place them in the "snap cup", Elle starts to lose her faith in Washington politics. As the story moves along, Elle discovers that Bruiser is actually a homosexual, after she is paged by "The Paws that Refreshes: A Doggy Day Spa." Bruiser has been affectionate with Leslie, a Rottweiller owned by Congressman Stan Marks, the Chairman of some committee which has jurisdiction over Bruiser's Bill. Elle also finds that Congresswoman Libby Hauser, the Ranking Member of the same committee, was a member of Delta Nu. As a result, both Marks and Hauser warm to Elle and eventually come to support Bruiser's Bill. Elle also discovers that Congresswoman Rudd has actually been working against her. So Elle becomes a lobbyist and sleeps with a bunch of fat, bald, smelly congressmen. The End.

It Gave Her Head In More Ways Than One, 1990 -- Golem shacks up with a hot, redheaded witch and forgets all about that stupid ring.

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part 7

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

C-3PO Takes a Wife, 1994 -- After significant reprogramming and the addition of a few extra parts, mild-mannered C-3PO embraces the Barbarian lifestyle. George Lucas was kind enough to write the forward.

I Married A Gal With No Nipples, 2000 -- A moving tale of an illegal alien that is forced to bottle feed her offspring. Made into a movie starring Mike Myers that went straight to video, I still get an occasional residual check.

Nancy Goes Too Far, 1993 --When Ronald sees Arnold's economics trickling down Nancy's thigh, he goes all Irancontra on his ass.

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part 5

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Torpedo to Ecstasy, 1995 -- Water nymphs need love too.

A Rouladen the Hay, 1998 -- Books with German puns were publishing gold in the late 1990's. This one had a fräulein that was kleiner in the hippsen and grossen in the tittsen. And Nazis.

She'd Kill for a Maxi-Pad, 2002 -- Ever come home from work with the milk, the take-out Chinese and a box of Light Days (for use with light flow during the first and last days of her period)? Don't.

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 4

More books from the box in my mom's attic.
Log Jam at Stalag 13 Inches, 2001 -- Nothing like a big, steaming hunk of German bratwurst to satisfy the ladies.

Princess Grace Marries the Lorax, 1990 -- Very high and/or very desperate describes everyone associated with this effort.

Fantastic Voyage to her Cervix and Back, 2002 -- The last Doctor Evelyn Anderson, Lesbian OB/GYN Adventure I ever got to pen. I miss those days. I used to get ten cents a page which was good money in 2002.

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 2

More books from the box.

Most Dangerous Pussy Alive, 1987 -- I was accused of ripping off the Conan series but come on, Derek was a feral wanderer NOT a barbarian.

Not Much of a Beach Day, 1984 -- Teenage romance on the shore. If only I had named my horny heroine Snooki, instead of Centropomi.

Teenage Stewardesses in Peril, 1990 -- Teenage! Stewardesses! Peril! Enough said, except I should mention the long forgotten Japanese soldiers!

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 1

I found these in a box in my mom's attic. Before this blog, before National Lampoon, before Uncle Melon -- I used to be a real writer.

Starfleet Commanders Kick Ass, c. 1984 - This sold well but then I had to give all the money to Gene Roddenberry's estate.

Golf With Grandpa, 1991 -- The New York Times Book Review said, and I quote, "There's A River Runs Through It, Tuesdays with Morrie, and then there's this piece of..." Pretty high praise for yours truly. I didn't have to give any of the money back. It's still in an old pair of jeans.

My Penis Your Destination, 1992 - Arnold Schwartznegger was going to option it but then he didn't.