Playmates of the Year - 2009

Every year since Playboy's 50th anniversary, I line up the centerfolds of the year and make snarky comments. For wittier comments and uncensored (and really big) photos, head over to Electronic Cerebrectomy.

The year is 2009 and the playmates are white, white-er and white-est. There are three Crystals, six blondes and six non-blondes. Strangely, there are four centerfolds that are not smiling (and only one is attempting sultry) and three that are not exposing their breasts. Boobies are trending toward natural, the butts are bountiful and for a bunch of naked chicks there is almost no sexual tension.


Miss January
Dasha Astafieva
The darkest flavor of the month, Dasha is almost caramel or maybe a very pale olive.

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Miss February
Jessica Burciaga
When I was a kid, I dreamed of wallpapering my room with old centerfolds and installing a gigantic make-up mirror with big lights.

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Miss March
Jennifer Pershing
Ten hut! The General's on base and my missle is locked and loaded. She looks like she's mad that you soiled her life's work. If I were you, I would run and hide.

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Miss April
Hope Dworaczyk
I got nothing except that it looks like they did the photoshoot in my apartment (and that's a camel toe not a gorilla paw).

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Miss May
Crystal McCahill
A sweet 1950's pose. Your dad probably banged her mother while my dad was over in Korea eating pickled cabbage.

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Miss June
Candice Cassidy
She's cute but she definitely has that Fox News reporter look. "And now with more on Sheik Obama's plan to quadruple the tax on oil, our own Fox News political analyst, Candy Cassidy."

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Miss July and August
Karissa and Kristina Shannon
Texas twins! Or not, still 100% barely aged beef.

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Miss September
Crystal Phillips
She looks just like my brother's wife's younger sister, except with long reddish hair that doesn't smell like Marlboros, a smoking body, two eyebrows, teeth and perfect skin. Okay, so her pillow looks just like my brother's wife's younger sister's pillow.

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Miss October
Lindsey Evans
This one has less curves than a straight line. She's so angry that they're exploiting her that she may not even DP Hef and David Spade.

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Miss November
Kelley Thompson
My personal favorite, Kelley looks like she could star in her own Nickelodeon sitcom. Also, I got to use unusual images for her unusual naughty bits.

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Miss December
Crystal Harris
That's a lot of spunk or a lot of hairspray. I'm betting on spunk.

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2009 Yearly Summary

2 chocolate kisses
1 landing strip
1 light bulb

1 back bacon

2 pimples
2 bowling balls
1 camel toe
1 golden raisin
1 Fox News logo
2 100% Texas Beef logos
2 strawberries

2 wood floors
2 peaches
2 puffy marshmallows
1 Hitler's moustache
2 silver dollars

Sadly, another year goes by without the use of an Oscar Gamble.

Pop Culture Significance, Sesame Street's 40 Years vs. 50 Years of Playboy

Remember when Google ran that special Playboy 50th anniversary logo a couple of years back?

Jerry Falwell got so upset he almost popped a boner.

Sesame Street has been around 40 years! You didn't know? What are you as dead as Jerry Falwell? I haven't seen this much media coverage of a pop culture anniversary since Playboy turned 50.

Now, I can appreciate the Children's Television Workshop's significant efforts to

1. teach the abc's;
2. bring Palestinian and Israeli children together with only foam rubber and fake fur;
3. and make the inner city a little less frightening to white people everywhere...

but enough already. If you all don't stop I'm gonna have to get off my lazy ass, wake up my lazy brother and do a bit.

Which leads me to a shameless plug of my Playboy 50th anniversary bit. This bit was so good it actually caused UncleMelon.com to crash for two days.

We got farked and received 70,000 hits in three hours. By noon, the log files on the cheap server that hosted UncleMelon.com were full and the site went down. The always unresponsive but incredibly inexpensive web host took their sweet time and the rest is history.

My site had been farked maybe a dozen times before, resulting in huge increases in traffic -- but nothing like that day that has become known at wikipedia as Pink Tuesday. The difference? The boobies tag.

A Fark boobies tag = outrageous, server crushing traffic.

The bit was a decade by decade review of select centerfolds that stands up pretty well. It's sort of Basic Humor 101 making jokes about cultural changes in hair styles, clothing styles, boob styles, and pubic hair styles.

Everything is still good fun until you get to May 1992, Anna Nicole Smith, ouch. Uncomfortable, yeah a bit, so just skip over it if you're a pussy.

The usual warnings apply, the bit is not suitable for children, pregnant women or discerning readers.

Wait just a second, some of you expected a dissertation on the significance of 40 years of Sesame Street versus Playboy's 50 years. Wouldn't you rather go and admire some mighty fine boobage? It's seriously sweet stuff, just try not to think about what those boobs are doing today. You know, pointing straight to the epicenter of the planet, accidently dusting off the radiator in the bathroom, and scaring the cat.

You still rather read an analysis? Here's one graciously provided by my guest blogger and brother, Dave Melonosky.

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Sesame Street vs. Playboy

Firstly, they both:

1. led to excessive masturbation
2. made many of us question our sexual mores
3. showed alternative lifestyles in a positive light
4. featured fantasy characters that do not exist in the real world
5. went from furrier to less furrier over the years

Now for Playboy's advantages:

1. allowed masturbation in greater privacy
2. was glossier and had funnier jokes
3. more tits, less boobs
4. more pussy, fewer cats and dogs
5. let us count all the way to 13, if you count playmate of the year

Now, Sesame Street:

1. had Kermit,the first openly gay television host
2. had a mixed-species, same gender couple in Snuffy and Big Bird
3. less white, way more colors
4. provided masturbatory simuli but we were often caught by our moms playing on the living room rug

and the winner is.... Playboy! For being less gritty, less gay and more naked.

Editor's Suggestion for CTW: In the future, more Maria, less clothes, way less Elmo.